It is so hard to see Ana leaving. What have I done? I was just carried away while caning her. Why she did not shout yellow instead of red? Why she did not give me a second chance?
It all started when she fell into my office. There was an attraction that draws me to her. I did sense she wanted more but I don't do the girlfriend thingy. What do get from more? I need a sub and she seems to be a perfect one. Down the road three months later, she shouts red. She has been tolerating all the caning, belting and whipping. But why did she decide to leave now? I have never felt this empty when my previous subs left but when I see Ana walking out …. I feel part of me is ripped off. What can I do to get her back?
I head to her room and I see she has left her blackberry, laptop, car keys and even did not touch the clothes that I have bought for her. She is nothing like my previous subs. They take everything. They don't even leave a dust behind. I sit with my hands on my head.
'Mr Grey..'
'Why are you here? Have you sent Ms Steele back?'
'She refused Mr Grey. I insist but she pushed me off and head to the bus. I am sorry.'
'She is stubborn. I want Sawyer to monitor her. I want updates.'
Taylor leaves with a nod. She is stubborn. I tried changing her into what I want. I did give her some slacks. I was not as hard as I was with other subs but it did not do any good. She still feels I am hard on her. I can't forget the look she had on her face after she shouted red. She looked at me and I could see she is disgusted with me. She looked at me like a shit. She looked very hurt when I appear in her room. She pushed me out of my room.
'Ana! Finally.' And silence. I know I look horrible. I cried the whole journey back to Kate's apartment. She will always know when I cry. I can't hide my now red eyes from her.
'What happen? Why are you crying… you never cry Ana… What did that creepy bastard did to you? Did he hit you? Did he abuse you? He broke up iwht you?' She is soooo right.
'Say something … Damnit.'
'I broke up with Christian.' That is the only thing I can say to her. What else I can say? The pain and torture I went through? The hope I had that he will change and will want more? The day I agree to be his sub? The day I signed the damn contract?
'What happen? Sit… I will get some wine.' It's awfully painful to sit but I sat quietly. I know I have to say something to Kate or she will not let me go.
'Here. Now spill!'
Kate sits on the single seater and looks at me. After letting go a big sigh, I start.
'I left Christian. I just could not tolerate his controlling attitude. He is suffocating me. We had a big fight and I decided to call it a quit.'
'Bravo! You should have done that long time ago. I told you he is a control freak. He wants to cage you so no one will ever see you. Leave it Steele. There are more fishes out there.'
'I just love him so much… I can't ...'and I crack. I still can't accept the fact that I walked out. Our contract says that if I walk out, that's it. No more contact. He will go on looking for another sub. I am the one who is heartbroken and wounded. I don't think I will be able to love anyone else like how I loved Christian. But I think love is not his thing.
'I am going to take some Advil and go to bed.'
'Umm.. Babe… I am going for dinner with Elliot. Will you be ok?'
'I will be fine Kate. Don't worry.' With that I head to my room and drop my luggage case and crash on my bed. I cried and cried until there are no more tears left. My back is still stinging but its bearable now. I remember the dreadful day that I signed the stupid contract.
After shifting to Seattle and settling at Kate's apartment, I went to meet Christian at Escala on Sunday. He showed me the picture of us from graduation in Seattle Times. I was happy that instead of contract he is showing us. It gave me hope. But moments later we head to his study and he gave me the contract – a revised contract – to sign. I thought I can change him but submitting and naively I signed the contract.
My training started that afternoon after lunch. He was kind enough not to introduce me to whipping or canning but he did introduce me to the raiding corp. The pain was bearable but he made me believe that its more of pleasure then pain. After a strenuous session and coming 6 times, I could not take it and I collapsed. When I opened my eyes, its dark and I am alone in the sub room. I guess I will not be sleeping with him because now I am his sub.
After bath, I head to the great room and Christian was there ready. Where is he going? He sees me.
'I am going to my parents place. My sister is back from Paris. I will see you on Friday evening. Have a nice day. Umm... And I will be telling Kate that you have declined coming for this dinner due to your interviews tomorrow. I hope you understand that I can't take you to my parents place. Good Day Ms Steele.'
And with that he leaves me like an idiot. I hurried up to my room and gathered my things. Kate is away with Elliot to the Grey mansion for dinner. I was so stupid to think that I will be following Christian tonight. YOU ARE AN IDIOT STEELE. My ever present subconscious.
That was the dreadful first day I had with Christian and it has only become worst over the three months. Lucky Kate bought my story that I had to prepare for interviews. She did show that she was not convinced 100% but it did the trick.
