JACKSON
I can't keep April off my mind much the next day. Even if nothing major had really happened between us, it still felt like there was something there, some kind of natural connection that I couldn't explain. Maybe that was just what it was like with the first time. Putting it behind me seemed like the most logical thing to do given how short our time together had been in the first place, yet something about it just stuck with me.
My morning jog is a weak attempt to try and take my head off of her, feet pounding against the pavement. There's not much else to do until another match was selected for me, and this was an easy way to try and kill some of the time between now and then. But getting my mind off of her was easier said than done – it's too easy to think about those auburn waves of hair, the soft smell of shampoo that I'd only been able to pick up on when the two of us had been in bed together. Her smile, however, is the one thing that was obvious and still impossible to shake. That was the kind of grin that could take man to his knees. Like it'd done to me.
So much for keeping my mind off of her. I slow my pace a bit as I head up one of the hills in the park, pulling my coach device out of my pocket. There's the slightest pause to catch my breath before I can get my question out to it.
"So how do I know she really wasn't the one? I mean–"
"Your ultimate compatible other has not yet been selected." The device interrupted me before I could get out the rest of my words, trying to tag on some kind of explanation as if it was going to listen to me. I sighed, running my hand over my head.
"Yeah, I know but–"
Interrupted, again.
"The system gains insight of each participant progresses through numerous relations and uses the gathered data to eventually select an ultimate compatible other."
Nothing about the robotic female voice surprised me at this point, things that I'd more or less heard before. But something about it still doesn't settle with me right. Reaching the top of the hill, I stand there for a moment and glance around, absorbing the view. "But I've got to go through many relationships before I get there," I assessed, mostly to myself. The coach doesn't mind chiming in regardless.
"That is correct."
Great. I plop down onto the grass for a moment, knees bent and allowing myself to relax. The weather was pleasant enough outside, just comfortable enough to run in long sleeves. It's nice to just sit in the stillness without distraction from the outside, even if it's inevitable that it doesn't last for very long. Peace and quiet was something that was nearly impossible to find these days.
Jinxing myself, a beep from the coach pulled my thoughts away from the bliss of simplicity. Another match. I can't help but roll my eyes and let out a sigh, pushing myself back onto my feet. Dating was something that I'd never thought was going to be exhausting, but if each one was going to take this much thought out of me, it looked like I had more on my agenda than what I had originally planned.
Heading back to my place, it doesn't take me long to get changed out of the jogging gear and into something more appropriate for a first date. I didn't know how long this one was going to last – whether it'd be hours or perhaps weeks, but I didn't want to leave a bad impression nonetheless. Slacks and a light blue button-down are put on, knowing the atmosphere of the meeting place this time. I tried to rush, not wanting to keep her waiting for too long, and head over as soon as I'm presentable and smelling more like body wash instead of sweat.
I'm guided to the table by my coach, where a younger looking black woman was sitting, dressed in a purple blouse and wearing her hair back in some kind of bun. She wasn't looking around nervously at all, though, instead focused on picking apart a salad already placed down in front of her.
"Hi," I cleared my throat. "I'm Jackson."
"Hmm." Some kind of judgmental noise, one that I wasn't capable of picking apart on such short notice. Not a good sigh. "Stephanie," she answered with a tight smile. "I've been waiting for awhile," she complained.
"Sorry, I was changing," I explained as I slowly sat down in front of her. "I see you started without me," I observed, somewhat trying to make conversation and unsure what else to say.
"I was hungry." She said shortly.
"Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm sorry about that." Another apology quickly, settling into my place on the booth across for her. For a moment, I fiddle with the napkin, setting it down across my laps. It's already awkward and I don't want to make it any worse between the two of us, so I leave it up to her to say something away from the conversation about my lateness.
To my fortune, she doesn't hesitate. "Come on then, let's check the expiry! Get it out of the way." Stephanie suggested, already pulling out of her coach. There's a moment where I blink in surprise before nodding quickly, pulling out my own.
"Oh! Yeah, of course," I breathed out. I'd only done this once before but I remember the steps without any kind of explanation, swiping to the right place. We both lean forward across the table with our devices nearly next to each other, making eye contact with each other for a brief moment before pressing the button for the reveal at the same time.
One year.
Oh.
Oh.
There's a tense moment between the two of us, both debating what to say. Even if things didn't seem great on a first meeting, well, there was always the potential for things to get better. The system knew better than I did, right? That was the whole point of it being in place because it knew best. Things with April had been great right off the bat and that'd had such a short time period, maybe this would just be the opposite of that. Of course, making the comparison so quickly… not a good sign for the supposed year that was to come between us, but I suppress it quickly, trying to offer up some kind of piece of optimism before things could become too awkward.
"It could be a mistake," Stephanie says before I got the chance. Ouch. Even if I wasn't feeling too great about it, I definitely wouldn't have blurted out something like that – not so immediately, and not right in front of her. "Coach, is this a mistake?" She questioned the device.
"No, it is not a mistake."
"Jesus fucking Christ," she swore.
Honestly, at the moment, I was feeling just about the same. And her attitude about it wasn't helping in the slightest. I couldn't imagine how the two of us were going to get through a year of a relationship together when it didn't even seem like she liked me after one day. Going home together? That sounded like another mountain that I was in no position to climb. There was no excitement, no rush to finish the meal and make the most of our time together. It's a complete contrast to last night in the worst of possible ways.
"I'm sure that there's a reason for it," I offer up as sympathetically as I can muster. She stared at me blankly for a moment and I'm grateful for the interruption of a waiter bringing me my food – chicken masala, by the looks of it. At least that was one improvement from last night. I thanked him with a nod of my head and picked up my cutlery, already dreading the silence that had formed between the two of us. This was going to be a long night. I could only hope it wasn't going to be reflective of the year between us.
Silverware scraped against the plates between us, and the conversation made is… well, nothing. I attempted a joke near the beginning and she's shot that down with a condescending comment and glare. It made downing my glass of a wine much easier and faster than what it should have been.
When we finally go home that night, the awkwardness hadn't evaporated between us yet. I let her shower first and she takes what seems like forever as I try to adjust to the new living corridors, somewhat nicer than the last though not substantially so. I hop in the shower after she does, taking my own time for the sake of avoiding her. This wasn't going to work. I didn't have a clue how the hell the system thought that we would be capable of staying together for an entire year when I didn't even want to spend a single night with her.
The sex is awful. I should have seen that one coming, too. She laid there as if she were dead, only opened her mouth to complain – usually, well, complaining about me making any sound. I'd never struggle to finish before, but apparently, she made that possible.
The next day, avoiding her by working out is just about the only thing that I can look forward to. I find myself at the gym fairly early in the day, tennis racket in hand and bouncing it off the wall over and over again. It wasn't much of a distraction, even if it kept my gaze somewhere. I couldn't get rid of the unsettling feeling inside of my gut that came with being with her. Maybe I was being too harsh, comparing her too much… but it really didn't make any sense to me. Matches should have been getting more accurate, not less. I shouldn't have hit it off with the first girl and then dreaded being around the second, especially with the contrast in the lengths of the relationship. Most people trust the system without thinking a lot about it, but now all I could do was doubt it.
Talking to the coach about it was at least better than trying to make any sort of conversation with Stephanie about it, though. Her negativity about it wasn't something that I found myself having much patience for. Hopefully, it was something that I'd at least be able to adjust to soon.
"So what, I can't just… I don't know, leave her?" The question feels harsh, but it's something that I have to ask. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it was a tempting thought.
"That is correct. One day it will provide you with your ultimate match."
As if I hadn't already heard that one before. The ball bounces toward me once more and I swing the racket with more force than what was necessary, jogging over to meet where it bounces off to next and trying to relax.
"One day, one day…" I mutter with a shake of my head, intentionally missing the tennis ball this time as it bounces back toward me. That one day wasn't going to be within the next three hundred and sixty-four days. No, those were going to be miserable at best. But maybe it'd at least come somewhere in the near future after that. This game didn't seem like it was going to be an enjoyable one.
The next few weeks pass with some kind of pattern establishing between us, even if the comfort isn't quite there. We learn to exist within each other's space without completely driving the other up the wall, even if I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around her. It's hard to tell if she felt the same way, really: she was blunt. She didn't care much about what I said or thought, that much had been pretty obvious from day one. On the bright side, I've been working out so much that I'm now in the best shape of my life. At least that was one, tiny silver lining in the midst of all of it.
A big social event was being held, and it's an excuse to get out of the house together without suffocating in each other's presence. Bailey and Ben – whoever the hell they were, some advocates for the system meant to excite people. It didn't really matter to me. Getting the chance to socialize with other people, normal people, was a blessing all by itself.
Walking down the pathway to the party, once we reach the crowd, it doesn't take Stephanie long to leave my side. I don't mind. The tension in my shoulder disappears almost immediately and I can feel myself relaxing from the mere absence of her critical presence. One of the waiters walked by with a tray of drinks and I don't hesitate to take a glass of champagne, swallowing a mouthful as I slowly meander around the place. There's not a lot of familiar faces, unsurprisingly. It's not like I've been circling around this crowd for a while. But what does catch me off guard is a mane of red, curly hair that I would have been able to recognize from a mile away. From the first time in awhile, I smile.
April was standing with another man, taller than her but not quite as tall as me, light brown haired and fair looking. I couldn't hear a word of what they were saying, but she was smiling, even laughing a little. I wondered how long this relationship of hers was supposed to go long, if she was with him for a year, too. If she was, well… there's jealousy there for a multitude of reasons. But at least one of us looked happy.
Everyone gathers around to listen to Bailey and Ben's story, and I can't find myself particularly interested in. They laugh and joked with each other as if they'd known each other for decades, clearly comfortable and happy in their relationship. It was something to look forward to, one day, but I knew that day wasn't near… Bailey spoke to doubting the system, of course, and just having to power through. Seemed like it was a lot easier said than done when you were standing up there with your ultimate match instead of stuck in a relationship with a woman that you could hardly tolerate, that much was for sure. The reassurance doesn't stick with me in the way that it should. I clap with everyone else for the sake of appearances but don't so much as spare a glance at Stephanie. I know that she's far from the one for me.
As people separate their own ways after the speech to continue with the gathering, I make my way to the food table. At least I knew where I could be completely comfortable, loading up a tiny plate with the different o'dourves that had been placed out for the guests.
"Hi!" A chirpy voice snuck up on me out of nowhere, hand jumping to my shoulder.
"Hey," I greeted her with a quick smile, coughing for a moment with a piece of throat caught in the middle of my throat.
"Was that your–?" April asked, waving over to Stephanie's direction.
I grunt out a nod for a moment, choking on the middle of the food. A few more coughs escape attempting to dislodge it before I can panic about it, hand curled into a fist covering my mouth in an attempt at being a little more casual about this.
"Oh, are you really?" Her eyes widened for a moment examining me, and I nodded my head with another cough. She moved behind me, a tiny fist pounding on my back a couple of times. With her help, I end up spitting out my food on the ground, accidentally getting a bit of strawberry on her show.
"Thanks, uh, sorry, thanks for that," I quickly stutter out an apology, embarrassed by the situation. "You look nice." I throw in a compliment quickly, trying to smooth it out.
"Well, I'd return the compliment, but uh," she tucked her hair back behind her ear as she glanced down at her heels. "You did just spit up on my shoe."
"In my defense, they're kind of terrible." I chuckled out, pulling out a dazzling smile.
"Really?" She feigned shock. "Guess that means they'll be good for kicking you with." Playful attitude not to be forfeited under the circumstances, the heel of her shoe gives me shin a light, teasing nudge.
My hand comes over my chest, pretending for a moment to be hurt and watching her face light up with the laughter that spilled from her lips. I couldn't help but return the smile with something as simple as seeing her laugh, feeling more at ease and at home in her presence over a stupid conversation than I have in the past few weeks with Stephanie. April lifted the burden off my shoulders without so much as trying. I needed that.
Interruption came in the form of the man that I saw laughing with her earlier approaching, clearing his throat and offering me a polite smile. April straightened up suddenly, her own smile shifting toward a more cordial one as her gaze bounced between the two of us.
"Oh, right, sorry! Matthew, this is Jackson. Jackson, this is Matthew." She introduced the pair of us politely. I extended my hand in greeting with a smile of my own, giving him a firm shake.
"Hi, great to meet you," I offered up.
"Hi."
"We were, uh, together, for a wee bit," April began to explain, looking forward Matthew and placing a hand on his arm.
"Just a short bit," I interjected, unsure if I was making things more or less awkward.
"Yeah, right before the two of us got together," she finished up with a nod of her head.
"Oh, so you two are together?" For a brief moment, I act as if I hadn't watched the two of them earlier. I don't want to make it look weird. "Wow, that's great. Really. You two, you uh, you look like a great team." I exhaled loudly with the words.
There's an awkward lull in the conversation, April giving out a shrug of her shoulders and a little huff of laughter. Before things could get much weirder between the three of us, the sound of applause takes over in the crowd once again and pulls us away as we all look over to see what were going on. Ben and Bailey were heading out, apparently. Even if I'm not ready to say goodbye to her just yet, the interruption is vastly appreciated. We all exchange quick goodbyes and polite smiles, trying to keep up good terms, before the two of them head off and I'm tasked with finding Stephanie among the crowd again.
It doesn't take particularly long with her trying to do the same thing, everyone following out the main attraction as pairs. We don't take hands like many of the others do, instead, just trailing off near the end of the following couples. No conversation is bothered to be exchanged between the two of us. We both know that the other doesn't care much about how they had spent their separate time.
My eyes scan the crowd in front of us again, and it's easy to spot that fiery spark of hair midst the crowd. To my surprise, April glanced over her shoulder for a moment, clearly looking behind her for something.
Or someone. A long moment of eye contact is shared between the two of us, and I smile once more. She was somehow the only one here capable of pulling a real, authentic one out of me. I don't think Stephanie had managed that in the weeks that we'd been living together, and now that I have the reminder of just how wonderful April had been, going back to the situation that we were in was only going to be harder. The lingering stare can only last for so long, and I watch as Matthew catches her from stumbling over herself. The last part of her I see is the waves of red hair, no doubt wondering off to their own vehicle.
Stephanie and I do the same, returning to our place without much conversation between us. Our nightly routine is pretty much the same as it always is: we undress, she showers first and spends awhile in the bathroom. I've learned not to complain about the length of the time that she takes in there, and go in wordlessly once she's done. We fall into bed or not. Depending on her levels of complaint, we make our way through boring sex. And she falls asleep.
I, on the other hand, am tasked with listening to the sound of her snoring for what felt like an impossibly long time each night. No matter what position, Stephanie snored like there was no end. Some nights I sleep on the couch, others I suck it up and fall asleep. Tonight wasn't one of those nights.
Instead, I pull myself out of bed and move to the couch, stretching out across the length of it, feet and head both propped up on the arms of the furniture due to my height. Between throw pillows, I've pretty much mastered making the position comfortable enough that I don't wake up with a stiff or painful neck in the morning. Just another one of those things that I've learned to make due with since having to live with her.
But tonight, for once, I fall asleep with happier thoughts on my mind. Thoughts about a woman who could really make me smile and light me up with joy.
April.
