Chapter 2
"Hey Danny, it's me again. Um, I'm just checking on you, man. I just want to see how you're doing…
…I'm thinking about you, buddy. Bye."
Danny listened to the message on his phone and he was thinking about calling Steve when he checked on his watch. It was 5 in the afternoon, which made it roughly around 11 p.m. over in Honolulu. Steve was probably asleep and he didn't need him to wake him up. Part of Danny wanted to call Steve so bad, but the other part not so much. It hurt a lot and he knew he should be reaching out for his friend. Danny sighed.
He dialed Steve's number with shaky hands, against his own advice. On the second ring Steve picked up.
"Danny?"
"Hey, Steve. I got your message and thought I'd call you."
"Took you long enough. I started to worry, you know."
"No need to worry. I'm a big boy."
"How are you feeling Danny?"
"What do you think?"
"I can't be sure. You haven't been really open to me recently and you are hard to read."
"That I am."
"So how's everyone? How are you holding up?"
"Would you believe me if I told you I was fine?"
"Yeah, right. Like hell I'd believe you."
"Then no need to explain myself, I guess. It's tough. Everyone is expecting answers and I'm not sure how the hell am I supposed to give it to them. And everyone is walking on eggshells, trying to play it cool, but I know they are just hurting too and nothing I can say can make them feel better. I feel like a failure."
"You are not a failure, Danny. I know deep down you feel like it, but you are not. You went there in Colombia, and even if you didn't get Matthew alive, you brought his body back home and gave your family and yourself a closure."
"I don't know..."
"You are not a failure. Period. Stop thinking low of yourself, Danno."
"Yeah, whatever."
There was a loud crash in the background which made Steve jump from his seat in his office. That and the absence of Danny on the other side set off the alarm bells in his head.
"Danny? Danny, are you okay? Danny, damn it, pick up the phone!" Steve now yelled, thanking God that Kono, Chin and Grover were long home after they wrapped their case, because he was not sure he would've been up to explain his yelling to them.
"It was the stupid vase." His partner's voice brought Steve back to reality.
"A vase?"
"I guess I kicked it when I was pacing, because you know, it's not in my nature to sit still."
Steve didn't know what was worse, Danny ranting or Danny rambling about a 'stupid' vase as he put it.
"Danny..."
"It's okay. I'm okay. It was just a stupid vase..." the voice caught in his throat and Steve knew that it wasn't just a stupid vase. A loud sigh was his answer.
"Danny, buddy, talk to me."
He could hear clanking in the background and he figured Danny was picking the shattered pieces off the floor. His partner that was mildly OCD, ever since he got to hang around Steve too much.
"It was a vase that I and Matt bought for mom for Mother's Day the year before he disappeared."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah. I guess there goes my sanity. I worry over a stupid vase shattering on the floor, yesterday I fucking shot at a mouse in the garden, because it was making an awful noise and I thought someone was there in the bush. Tell me how I'm gonna get through this, Steve, huh? Tell me! Because I have no answer to that question myself."
A shattered vase. It was the last straw that brought Danny to a breaking point and Steve didn't know what to say. At this point anything he'd say or do could send Danny in withdrawal, but he was trying with all his might not to cry, because memories of his father flooded his mind, given the recent case.
"I can't promise you it will go away, but you will learn how to live with it. It will be tough, and you will experience moments when you just want to go on a wild rampage. Your family and your friends will help you get through that hard time. Eventually you will heal, but that thought will pop up from time to time, as a painful reminder of what you once had, but now is lost."
"Are you talking about me, or yourself?"
"I... um, I don't know. You asked me and I answered. I think it applies to both."
"Something happened?"
"No, nothing happened."
"There is something in your voice that tells me you've gone down that road again, and if I am the detective that I am I'd say probably you went down memory lane, or maybe there's a case connected to the past or something. And it hit you right home."
Steve opened and closed his mouth for a few times, before he said anything.
"Are you sure you are not hiding somewhere on O'ahu? 'Cause you might as well be here, or right next to me as far as I know."
Danny chuckled on the other end of the line. "You could've just said I was right. Now spill it."
"This is a conversation about you and how are you doing, not about me and the case."
"So, there is a case indeed."
"Oh, Danny, will you drop this?"
"Um, no?"
"You really know to push my buttons even from thousands and thousands of miles that are separating us."
"What can I say, babe, I have a way of convincing people, and that's what makes me successful at my job."
"Hey, I'm not a suspect in one of your cases, Williams."
"You are certainly not. So, do you need more prodding, or poking maybe?"
"One day if I make myself a Facebook profile, you can poke me there."
Danny laughed now. It was so good to hear his laugh, after a long time, but Steve knew this would be short-lived. Danny was a sensitive man that tended to go into withdrawal mode when he was too hurt to go for words. Right now that was happening, and Steve wasn't there to help him out.
"Hey, you've gone to sleep or what?"
"No, I'm here."
"I'm waiting, ya' know?"
"Okay." Steve sighed. When Danny had something in mind, you couldn't go against it.
So, Steve went on and on and on about his morning visit at the cemetery, meeting Ellie, and solving one of his father's cold cases for her.
"I should be there."
"No, you should be there with your family. We can handle ourselves fine, Danny. What you need is time to heal."
"I don't know if being here with all of the reminders that Matty is not here anymore can do me any good in the process of healing, Steve."
"Then maybe you should talk about it. Get it off your chest. Nothing like the good old talk dear." Steve was teasing now.
"You mean like talking to my family about what happened?!"
"Your family, me, and whomever you want." Steve didn't say shrink directly, but it was implied. "You need to get it out. Plus you are always savvy with your words, I don't see the problem with it, Danny."
"I'm not so sure I should talk about what happened like ever again."
"It's not healthy to keep it inside."
"I know, I know. But what I'm trying to say here is, what if I sometimes shut up and just let it go? I am always voicing my thoughts and I wonder sometimes, what if no one listens to what I say, or if I should've said what I said and such. I just don't know, Steve. I sometimes feel like I need to pull the plug off my tongue or hit the brakes, because sometimes my words are too honest even for me to swallow them. And frankly, I don't want to cause someone to swear or curse me, after whatever there is, comes out of my mouth.
"It's pretty messed up, I think. And that's why I kept my silence for a while, but I know there will be time when I have to tell them what lead to this mess in the first place. The looks they give me, whenever I pace like a ghost up and down this house, says it all."
Exhaustion was evident in Danny's voice and Steve could hear the distinct doubting tone in Danny's voice, the one he had when he gave second thoughts on his life decisions. He was overthinking it, again, and he was doubting himself and second guessing everything he said and did so far.
Steve sighed, unable to answer the question that was asked silently.
"I don't know what to say, buddy. I know you are going through hell now and I'm not sure whatever my answer will be, it would help ease your mind." Here, he was honest. With himself and Danny. "Do what you think it's the best. I have faith that you will do good."
"And here I thought that no one was listening." Danny said with a huffing voice that could be translated to laugh, but it was muffled over the phone.
"I'm always listening, even when you think I'm not."
"That's greatly appreciated. Thanks for the talk, Steve."
"You are welcome. I know that you needed this conversation. I'm just glad you called me when you did."
A long pause followed in which neither man spoke. The silence was enough and the only sign Danny didn't hang up was his steady rhythm of breaths.
"I somehow sense this is not over." Steve said.
"No, it's not." Danny said. "I was just contemplating all the memories I had with Matt in this very house. It's interesting how when you lose someone so close to you that you start to feel how important they were. When was the last time I told him I loved him, huh? I pretty much shot him, the last time I saw him. He was running away. He didn't want my help, can you imagine that? He didn't want his big brother's help. I would've helped him, you know that, right?"
"Yes." Was the silent reply.
"Even if it meant the end of my career. I would do everything for my family." Danny sniffled. "And here I am, thinking of him in past tense, because I lost him to a fucking drug lord. Because I wasn't there to help him out. I lost my only brother and it hurts, Steve. Hurts like a stab wound, only it's worse and it doesn't bleed." He was sobbing by now and nothing that Steve could say through the phone could've calmed him down.
Steve knew that Danny built a wall around him the moment they touched U.S. soil. He didn't let his pain show, and it broke his heart to see him so devastated, he was so defeated, that Steve was wondering how the hell Danny managed to hold on to his mask for so long.
"You have your sisters and your parents, Danny. You have us, your ohana. You are not alone."
"I know that, but Matt... He was my brother. I told him everything, we could goof off without anyone saying something. When I needed to talk about something, he was my first choice, because sometimes you can't talk with girls about certain things. And he did the same thing with me. He came to me when he was feeling down or when a girl dumped him. I wonder where I did wrong."
"Wrong? How could you possibly do wrong, Danny?"
"Well, one day he was the closest I ever had, and the next moment he alienated himself from me, and I'm left with thousand questions as to why that is happening exactly. And I never got an answer to my questions. I guess he just kinda grew up and thought that no one would miss him when he walked away."
"Sorry to hear that."
"I feel guilty."
"You shouldn't."
"I know. But, I can't help it."
"It's not your fault that Matthew went the wrong way, Danny. He knew the risks when he boarded that flight. He knew what he was getting into. I know it hurts, but he chose to go away than to let his brother help him. Nothing you could say can change my mind about that."
Again, there was a long pause.
"Danny, you still here?"
"Yes, yes, I am."
"I want you to know that no matter what I'm here for you. No matter what. Remember that."
"I already know that, you goof. I probably tell you more than I should. You know everything about me."
"Yeah, well brothers should know everything for each other."
That sentence stung a little, because it reminded Danny, again, for why exactly he was in Newark right now, and not in Hawai'i.
Steve recognized the silence for what it was worth, and he spoke with more certainty to clear things up. "You are my best friend. We may not be brothers by blood, but deep down I feel you as my brother. I want you to know that. Not that I didn't have the chance to say this to you, but it's the truth and nothing will change my mind. I feel you as my brother, and as a brother I will always be your supporting pillar."
Steve finished the sentence with a change in his voice, because tears were gathering in the corners of his eyes. He knew if he kept getting no answer from the other side, he'd probably end up boarding the first flight leaving for Newark, NJ.
"I feel the same." Came the short reply. "Thank you, for being my friend and brother." Danny said. Another sob escaped him. He should stop crying and gather himself, but he couldn't. Danny was hurting and he needed this emotional outlet in the form of a conversation with Steve.
"If you want me, I can come right now."
"No, no, please don't. I'm okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. I'm okay. Listen, uh, I have to go, so we can talk more tomorrow, okay?"
"Sure thing."
"Bye Steve."
"Bye Danno. I love you."
"Love you, too."
With that both partners hung up.
The moment Danny ended the call he hugged himself tighter and let the tears fall freely while he was crying for the hundredth time that day. He didn't hear the soft footsteps approaching him, but he felt the gentle touch of his mother's hand on his shoulder.
No need for words he moved a little on the couch to make more room for her. She sat and enveloped Danny in a tight embrace, mother and son drawing strength from each other while crying simultaneously. Eventually Danny cried himself to exhaustion. His mother held him and softly placed a kiss on his forehead.
She knew her boy was troubled and she felt he was hiding something very big and scary from her and the whole family. But, she figured he'd tell them when the time was due for it, so she didn't push it. She also knew there was an enormous burden Daniel carried all by himself. And now more than ever he needed the support from the one person that would do anything for him.
She carefully placed Daniel's head on one of the pillows and smoothed some flying strands of hair back. He at least looked calmer.
She picked up the phone on the table and re-dialed the last number, moving to the kitchen so Danny won't hear her.
"Danny?"
"Um, no, Steven, it's Clara. I want to talk to you about something."
…
Danny replayed the conversation he just had with Steve over the phone and he couldn't help, but ask himself what did he do to deserve such a great friend like Steve McGarrett?
Then Danny's thoughts went to the countless times Steve was there for him.
Steve gave him three days hotel stay for him to have a nice place where he could have his daughter, at the end of their first case. Steve didn't have to do that, yet he did. Steve was with him when he almost lost Grace to Rick Peterson. Was there on the day the custody hearing was held. Steve supported him when he said he wanted to take some time off after their near-death experience when they were trapped under that building. Steve was there with him in Colombia. He was there when Danny killed Reyes.
He wasn't nothing but supportive throughout the years. Danny knew there were a lot of emotions that Steve didn't show, and Steve's ways of dealing with it were different than his. But, he also knew that he loved him and that he felt the same, although he hated him in the start.
Steve saying that he was his brother broke his heart, because of the raw emotions in Steve's voice, while he realized he felt the same thing. And it was like he was cheating on his brother with thinking and feeling like that for Steve. But it healed him at the same time.
With that thought Danny went to sleep.
Tomorrow was Matty's funeral.
…
