It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew
CHAPTER ONE:
It's 4:03 & I Can't Sleep
They were arguing again. Trent kept accusing her of hanging on to her past, he kept telling her that even if she said she loved him, she didn't really mean it, that her heart belonged to someone else.
She raked her hands through her dark brown hair and tried distancing herself from the fight they were having, from the truths he kept shouting at her. But it shocked her when he walked into the kitchenette of her small temporary apartment in Louisiana and put his arms around her, said quietly, "This came in the mail for you today, chere. I think you know what you gotta do. I'm done fighting. I cannot fight with a ghost, I can't compete with this Jacob guy. I'm not gonna keep tryin either."
He'd left after that, she hadn't stopped him, because she was still standing there, floored in shock as the realization crashed down on her that she really did love Jacob. And thanks to her walking away from that, she might have lost him forever.
She winced as she heard the last thing she'd begged Jacob to do, find someone that he could fall in love with on his own, without some genetic quirk deeming it necessary to love her first. She'd taken a risk, letting him go like that, but she had to know if he really meant that he loved her before he imprinted on her.
She poured herself a shot of Wild Turkey and grabbed a box cutter, sliding it carefully under the edges of the small white envelope. The invitation fluttered out and fell onto the counter as she continued to let her mind wander, drifting in and out, going back on every little mistake she'd managed to make to this point in her life.
To the outside world, she might seem like a daring person, because she'd been known to take a lot of risks, liked to live dangerously. Slamming back the shot of alcohol, she shook off the bittersweet burn as she wiped her lips and let the realization she was in the grips of wash over her in waves.
She was a chicken shit, plain and simple. She ran from love. She kept everyone at arms length for the simple fact that if she didn't have to try and let anyone in, she didn't have to be hurt when she fell and they didn't catch her.
She didn't want to hurt like her mother had in the past. She didn't want to make a mistake, delude herself into thinking she loved a guy only to find out she didn't and wind up hurting him worse.
So she ran like hell when Jacob confronted her and told her how he felt, told her about his being a shifter, told her about the fact that she was his soulmate. The thing of it was, he almost looked ashamed when he said it, as if he didn't want this to happen.
She realized now, looking back on the situation as she stood alone in her 3 room apartment in New Orleans, that he hadn't been ashamed. Like her, he'd been scared to death of being rejected. And he'd gotten rejected for his efforts because for whatever messed up reason, she'd simply panicked and left town after.
She'd told Charlie and her mom where she went, of course, explained that she wanted to volunteer, take a little personal time before starting college, and she wanted to do something good with the personal time, but she hadn't told Jacob where she went, she hadn't told any of her high school friends, nor had she told her own sister.
She didn't want them finding her. She didn't want the messy confrontation, because she realized now, that had they confronted her, made her own up to her real feelings, she'd never have been able to put it into words.
She'd never been really good at emotional scenes. She hated fights and she hated anger fueled arguments. And she'd been angry at both of them, her sister and Jacob, at the time, because they'd been trying to save her, in a sense.
Sighing, she looked at the invitation as she took a few more shots. The alcohol had her buzzing by the time she realized she was drunk, and she'd booked herself a flight back to Forks for the next afternoon.
"It's probably too late. What if he did what you asked him to do, and he moved on?" she muttered in the darkness of her bedroom as she tried to settle down and shut off her mind, shut off the memories, the realization she'd just had, the total mess she'd probably made of her life.
She rolled over and looked at the clock, grumbling when it's bright blue display read 2 am.
At this rate, she'd never get to sleep. And she just wanted to stop thinking for a while. She just wanted to let her mind rest.
Jacob sat around the fire with the rest of his pack, not speaking. Apparently, he was going to be the first to have an imprint reject. He'd promised himself he'd give her time to process everything, he'd give her space, especially considering how much their friendship had been through in the past.
But it'd been almost 6 months now, she hadn't even made an attempt to contact anyone that he knew of, and she didn't seem to be in a big hurry to come back. Her last words should have been an indication. He bit his lower lip, scowled bitterly as Leah sat down beside him and said quietly, "She left because she was scared, Jacob. Not everyone can handle the level of devotion."
"So I should just give up and do what, Leah?"
Leah sighed and said "I'm not saying give up, Jacob. I'm trying to keep you from doing that. I'd kill to imprint on someone, anyone, just to get over the pain I feel. I'm just telling you I don't think the imprint rejected. Sometimes it's not an instant connection. Maybe she needed the space."
"Or maybe she didn't ever actually care about me to begin with. I mean we did start out hating one another, remember? And then that whole thing with that bastard Sawyer." Jacob said quietly as he sipped a soda, stared at the cliffs for a few moments.
"Fine. Be an idiot and give up. I'm telling you, for whatever reason, there's more to this than you realize. You haven't even tried to look at it from her perspective." Leah said as Jacob shrugged and said "Don't need to. She actually made it really clear when she left without a damn word."
Leah grimaced as she watched Emily with Sam before pointing out, "Look at what Sam went through with Em, Jacob."
"Em wasn't gone for 6 fucking months, Leah." Jacob said calmly, his voice coming out deadly calm as he tried to keep from just punching something.
He'd imprinted on the girl of his dreams. Only to have said girl turn and run.
Their entire friendship, if he had to look at it, had been a rollercoaster. But he honestly did love her even before he'd imprinted on her. He'd tried fighting it, he hadn't wanted to hurt his child hood friend Bella, who happened to be her half sister, at the time, given that she'd just lost the love of her life, so he'd tried to step away out of respect for his friend, not wanting to rub anything in Bella's face.
"If she doesn't come back for Bella's wedding, Leah, I'm giving up. End of story." Jacob said firmly as Leah walked away exasperated. Jacob made his way home and flopped across his bed, prepared for yet another sleepless night.
Life was hell when your soulmate didn't feel the same way.
