A/N: I was told that if I didn't post this chapter in a timely fashion, I was going to be removed from a favorite author's list. I honestly cannot believe I'm on anyone's favorite author's list, because I am shit at this. More at the bottom. For now, enjoy! Warning for Sebastian being a twelve year old girl. Nick too.


Episode 2

A few months had passed since the first day of school. Jeff was doing weekly shows as RikeЯ in LA. The second show he'd done, the one after Nick had found out Jeff was RikeЯ, Jeff had offered Nick a choice.

"I know how much you love RikeЯ, so… I can get you a GA ticket, even though it's sold out… or…"

"Or?" Nick asked.

"You can come with me, backstage," Jeff said. "We can get you some RikeЯ~esque clothes, shades, a hat… RikeЯ's best friend?"

"Do I get a cool name?" Nick asked.

"Nick… Niccolo… Machiavelli," Jeff riffed. "Nicolaus Copernicus."

"No," Nick shook his head.

"Fine, what do you like?" Jeff asked.

"Megatron!" Nick grinned. Jeff raised an eyebrow. "Or Batman."

"No."

"Bruce Wayne," Nick said.

"No."

"Why not? You're like Clark Kent with your glasses and your hair dye," Nick said. "Why can't I be Batman?"

"Cuz I said so," Jeff said. "What about Everett?"

"Not bad," Nick said. "Where'd that come from?"

"When I was 7, I wrote this short story about this kid who became a superstar, and when I was 12, that kid turned out to be me. Riker originally had a middle name and a last name, and he had a brother too, because I always wanted one."

"You named your fake brother Everett?" Nick asked.

"Nah, his name was Ross," Jeff said. "Everett was my fake best friend."

"But I'm Nick, your real best friend," Nick said.

"Exactly," Jeff agreed. "So yes?"

"Oh yes," Nick grinned. "What are you going to do about Sebastian?"

"You're referring to his unhealthy obsession with RikeЯ, yes?"

"Yeah."

"I dunno, he'll get over it."

It had been a few months and Sebastian didn't seem to be over it.

"Nick, are you going to the RikeЯ concert tonight?" Sebastian asked.

"Nope!" Nick said brightly. "Movie night at Jeff's. We've got Cars, Enchanted, and High School Musical!"

"Are you guys, like, 12?" Sebastian asked.

"You're the one obsessed with RikeЯ, what is he, like, 12?" Jeff asked.

"Fifteen," Sebastian corrected him. "Almost sixteen, and I'm sixteen. So?"

"I'm curious, Sebastian," Jeff said. "You're obsessed with this guy you have no chance with, yeah?"

"Oh!" Sebastian exclaimed. "Don't say that. RikeЯ will love me back someday, I promise. You'll see."

"I really hope I won't," Jeff remarked.

"I thought we decided he was straight," Nick said.

"Oh, yeah," Jeff recalled. "We did decide that, didn't we?"

"Yeah, well, that is a miniscule factoid I'm choosing to ignore," Sebastian snipped. "I'm gonna ask Blaine to come with me." He got up from their table and crossed the cafeteria.

"What the hell am I gonna do?" Jeff asked. "It's not that I mind the attention, but it's a little weird."

"Are you scared he'll find out and be in love with you too?" Nick asked.

"Not really scared," Jeff shrugged. "He seems nice, I don't think he'd be awful to date, I just find it creepy how much he knows about me. And it's not just stuff about RikeЯ, personal stuff about me. Like my birthday. Or like last week, Blaine and Sebastian were having a very, very not-safe-for-work conversation about whether or not RikeЯ's ever screwed anyone in his dressing room and then proceeded to make some very scarily accurate guesses about his dick size. It makes me uncomfortable and I want him to stop. But I don't know how to do that without telling him the truth or seeming like a prude. Which I'm not!"

"Have you ever screwed anyone in your dressing room?" Nick asked.

"No!" Jeff exclaimed. "Do I seem like the kind of person who would do that?"

"No," Nick admitted.

"I really wish Sebastian would transfer his obsession to, like, the Jonas Brothers. There's three of them, and they're all sort of cute," Jeff said. "I mean, Sebastian snuck into my dressing room last week, nearly jumped onstage the week before, and just when you think he can't get any more obsessed, bam, he kicks it up a notch. I don't even want to know what he'll do this week."

"Probably jump in the limo with us," Nick said. "You could have security ban him."

"But he's my friend," Jeff protested. "Maybe I should just tell him."

"You just watch out, because if he finds out, he's not only going to be in love with RikeЯ, he'll be in love with you too," Nick told him.

"Why do you keep saying that like it's a bad thing?" Jeff asked. "Sebastian seems like a nice guy, I'm sure he knows how to please a man. Since the only thing he does besides yak about RikeЯ is yak about all the guys he had in Paris last summer."

"And then the only thing he'll yak about is how he's slept with RikeЯ," Nick said.

"Who has?" Sebastian asked, sitting back down.

"No one here," Jeff said.

"You want my opinion, RikeЯ's doing that 'best friend' of his," Sebastian said. Nick and Jeff looked at each other.

"No, no, he's not," Nick said at the same time Jeff said, "Don't be gross."

Later that afternoon, Nick and Jeff were getting ready to go to the show, when Nick brought it up.

"Why is the idea of us being together 'gross' but Sebastian seems 'nice' and like he'd be a good lay?" Nick asked, finally. He'd been stewing on it all day.

"Nicky," Jeff sighed. "Forget it."

"No, it's been bothering me all day," Nick said.

"The question is irrelevant, I'm not going to be screwing anyone in my dressing room," Jeff said. "Absolutely least of all Sebastian. Better?"

"Not really," Nick muttered.

"Nick, I honestly can't deal with another one of my friends being in love with me right now. Let me deal with Sebastian first, then we can talk about you."

"I'm not in love with you," Nick said. "I just want to know why Sebastian's a more viable candidate than I am."

"He's not! No one is a viable candidate! RikeЯ is straight and I am too busy pretending to be him to be going on dates!" Jeff yelled.

"Okay! Fine!" Nick exclaimed. He pulled one of Jeff's striped shirts on over his head and picked up some sunglasses.

"Are you upset with me?" Jeff asked.

"No."

"I'm sorry if I offended you or hurt your feelings, but what I really need right now is a best friend," Jeff said. "I've never had one before, I was always the weird kid, or the gay kid, or the kid who liked to dance more than play soccer. I'm finally at a place where I can at least pretend to fit in."

"You're a superstar, I imagine it would be hard to have friends," Nick said. "And I'm sorry too. I don't want to date you at all, I've just known Sebastian my whole life and I know how he is, and, yes, he's cute, but he's cute in the same way ring around the roses is cute until you find out it's about the plague."

"Oh," Jeff said. "Misunderstandings on both sides, let's just forget this ever happened, alright?"

"Definitely," Nick agreed.


"Wow, did we manage to get all the way through the night without Sebastian doing something stupid?" Jeff asked Nick as they drove away in the limo.

"Seems like it," Nick said, opening the moon roof. Then a head poked into the limo from the moon roof. Jeff and Nick screamed.

"Don't be scared, it's me, Sebastian Smythe," he said, his head hanging into the limo. "Wow, you're even hotter upside down."

"Aw, you're so sweet," Nick said, pretending to be flattered.

"I think he was talking to me," Jeff frowned. "Look, you are very sweet, but… I'm… I have…" Jeff sighed, cursing his career. "I have a boyfriend already."

"A boyfriend?" Sebastian asked. "I haven't ever read any gossip news to that effect."

"It's supposed to be quiet, I really don't want everyone knowing my business," Jeff said. "I've been trying not to hurt your feelings, but I'm just not interested."

"Okay," Sebastian said, sadly. "I get it. I won't bother you anymore. God, you must think I'm pathetic."

"No," Jeff said. "It's normal. I went through a Timberlake phase. I never jumped on his limo, but…"

"I'm sorry," Sebastian said.

"It's okay, now get off the roof before you dent it," Nick said.

"Please tell me your boyfriend isn't him," Sebastian said. Jeff and Nick looked at each other.

"Look, Sebastian, it's Sebastian, right? Who Rikes's boyfriend is doesn't matter," Nick began, but Jeff cut him off.

"Yeah, he is," Jeff said.

"RikeЯ!" Nick exclaimed.

"Everett," Jeff replied. "He was just going to find out anyway."

"I'd be a much better boyfriend than him," Sebastian interjected. "I have references and everything." Sebastian rummaged through his pockets and dropped a piece of paper into the limo. "I'll back off for now, but I'll wait for you forever, RikeЯ!" Then he was gone and Nick closed the moon roof.

"What the hell was that?" Nick asked Jeff.

"What?" Jeff shrugged.

"He's going to tell people about – Everett and RikeЯ. It'll be in scandal magazines before dawn," Nick exclaimed.

"Oh, hush, he won't tell," Jeff said. "I'm more interested in this." He leaned forward to pick up Sebastian's references.

"You really don't want to read that," Nick said quickly, trying to take it from Jeff.

"Yes, I do," Jeff said, tugging it gently from Nick's grasp and folding it. "Sexual experiences: Blaine Anderson, Thad Harwood, Wes Montgomery, 'Beats' – oh God, this has been a lesson in too much information. Kissing references: above, plus Santana Lopez – what the fuck, I'm going to need that story – Trent Nixon, Nick Duval – Nick DUVAL?!" Jeff looked at Nick incredulously.

"We were like 11, and I wanted to know what kissing was like," Nick said, taking the piece of paper from Jeff lightly. "It was not an altogether horrible experience. Bastian was my best friend before you came along, and I really don't have to justify myself to you."

"Fine," Jeff said. He pulled his hat off his head, revealing pristinely streakless blond hair, pulled his glasses from his pocket, and took off his long coat to reveal normal jeans and a t-shirt. Nick did a similar transformation beside him, and the limo stopped. "Thanks!" Jeff yelled to the driver as they got out and walked up Jeff's driveway. "Movie time now?"

"Yeah, I really want to watch Enchanted for some reason," Nick said. Nick's phone lit up with a text. "Ugh, it's Sebastian, he want to come over and moan. Quick, we've got to Bastian-proof your room." Nick and Jeff ran upstairs. Nick quickly put the DVD in the player while Jeff hid all his incriminating RikeЯ stuff. Hurriedly, Nick dumped a bag of popcorn into a bowl, and the pair of them jumped onto Jeff's bed just as Sebastian burst through the bedroom door.

"Wow, you're actually watching a movie," Sebastian commented. "I half-expected you two to be fucking, the way my night's gone."

"How do you know we weren't, and then cleaned up really fast when we got your text?" Jeff asked. Nick hit him. "Ow!"

"What happened tonight, Bastian?" Nick asked.

"Remember at lunch, how I said RikeЯ and Everett are probably hooking up? Well they are," Sebastian said.

"Are they really?" Jeff laughed.

"Aw, poor baby, the celebrity you're in love with likes someone else," Nick cooed sarcastically.

"Thanks for being nice about it," Sebastian replied even more sarcastically. "Why did I think coming over here would be a good idea?"

"Because we're your best friends," Nick said. "I think you just need to get a boyfriend. Do you want me to hook you back up with Blaine?"

"No, he's seeing that new transfer kid, Kurt whatever."

"How about Hunter, then?" Nick asked.

"He's at military school, as you know full well, and back on one of his not-even-remotely-bicurious kicks," Sebastian said.

"What about Nick!" Jeff exclaimed. "You guys would be perfect together."

"Excuse me?" Nick and Sebastian both said.

"You're both stubborn," Jeff said.

"I am not," Nick and Sebastian both said, crossing their arms.

"See, you always agree with each other!" Jeff exclaimed.

"No we don't," the other two said.

"I am definitely seeing a couple here," Jeff grinned.

"You're not – because I'm not – !" Sebastian and Nick said to each other in unison. "Thank dead wizard God."

"And, you know, that's smart," Jeff said, continuing to Sebastian, "because what if a friend loved another friend, but they didn't get love back? Then things would get all weird and uncomfortable and the friends couldn't be friends anymore. And there is nothing more important than our friendship, Sebastian."

"Oh, man, you love me!" Sebastian exclaimed.

"No," Jeff said decidedly. "I mean, I do love you, like a brother or a pet fish. You know, I'd cry if I had to flush you down the toilet, but I don't want to kiss you."

"That's for the best, because while I admit you'd probably be a good fuck, it wouldn't last, but I do think you and RikeЯ could end up being close friends," Sebastian said.

"Oh, lovely," Jeff sighed.

"Once RikeЯ and I are together, we'll have you over for sushi," Sebastian said.

"Looking forward to it," Jeff said through gritted teeth. He took a pack of gum out of his pocket and downed two pieces, because the thought of RikeЯ and Sebastian. "Want some?"

"No, definitely not," Sebastian said.

"I'll have some, have to get the thought of me dating Sebastian out of my mouth, thanks," Nick said, taking a piece. "Bastian's been strictly anti-gum since this one time in the second grade, some kid spat gum in his hair and he had to have it buzzed off."

"Oh, God, I would die if someone got gum in my precious blond locks," Jeff said. "I feel you buddy."

"Yeah… I'm just gonna go home," Sebastian said. "Tonight has been sufficiently depressing without the loss of a beautiful hairdo." He left Jeff's room and soon they heard him leaving the house.

"I think I thought of a way to break Sebastian of his RikeЯ obsession!" Nick grinned.


"Oh, My, God, I can't believe you saw RikeЯ and Everett get in a huge fight at our mall at the same time I was just finishing my Sunday morning fuck for Satan," Sebastian said.

"I know, right? It's like knock-knock, who's there, fate," Nick said. "He's right over there." Sebastian looked across the courtyard and there was RikeЯ, reading a magazine near the fountain. The courtyard was deserted otherwise, it was far too early for the mall to be open. Sebastian cautiously approached RikeЯ.

"RikeЯ?" Sebastian asked softly. Jeff dropped his magazine.

"Hey! The kid from the moon roof. Look at you all upside right!" Jeff exclaimed, adjusting his prescription sunglasses and chewing gum loudly. Sebastian backed up in alarm. "Where are my manners? Have a seat!" Jeff pulled Sebastian to sit down with him. "Want some gum?" He offered Sebastian from the pack in his pocket.

"I… didn't know you liked gum," Sebastian said, leaning away from Jeff. "I've searched all of your websites and none of them mentioned you were a chewer."

"Oh, I'm a chewer alright," Jeff said, smacking loudly. "I chew in the morning, the afternoon, the evening, all the time, like a train. Choo, choo!" Jeff laughed. "If it can be chewed, it's in my mouth."

"G-good to know," Sebastian said, standing up. "You might want to think about updating some of your websites."

"Why? Does it bother you?" Jeff asked, standing up as well. "It really turns off some people. They can't even be around me. They love me, but I disgust them."

"Well, I'm not like that," Sebastian said, bravely.

"You're not?" Jeff asked, taken aback. "Because it's okay if you are." Jeff slung an arm around Sebastian's shoulders.

"No, relationships are about sacrifice, and I accept you just the way you are," Sebastian said sweetly.

"Good to know," Jeff said, surprised. Then he decided to go for the gold. "New chew, coming through!" He took a piece of licorice gum and started to chew it. Sebastian was visible grossed out.

"You're… uh… turning black," Sebastian said, backing out of Jeff's grasp.

"That's cuz it's licorice!" Jeff exclaimed. "I love licorice! Don't make me laugh, it comes out my nose. Wanna see?"

"No!"

"Too late!" Jeff exclaimed. Sebastian reached forward and grabbed Jeff's nose. "Am I grossing you out? Because I totally understand if you want to transfer your obsession to the Jonas Brothers."

"No, no, my love is bigger than my disgust," Sebastian said, releasing Jeff's nose.

"Watch this!" Jeff said. He began to blow a huge bubble which subsequently popped all over Sebastian's face. Sebastian screamed. "How do you like me now?" Jeff asked, angry Sebastian wasn't giving up. Sebastian tore the gum off his face.

"I still love you!" Sebastian said.

"What does it take with you? What more do I have to do? You and RikeЯ are never going to happen!" Jeff yelled.

"Why not?" Sebastian asked sadly.

"Because…" Jeff said. He took off his sunglasses and dunked his hair in the fountain, the coloured streaks washed away, and he took his glasses from his pocket, putting them on. "…I'm RikeЯ." Sebastian stared. "Me, Jeff." Sebastian fainted. "That went well."

When Sebastian came to, he had a lot of questions.

"So, you were RikeЯ in the limo when I was upside down?" Sebastian asked.

"Yeah."

"And backstage when I was hanging out of the window?"

"Yup."

"And when I hid in your bass drum and rode on your tour bus all the way to Phoenix?"

"You did what?" Jeff exclaimed.

"Nothing," Sebastian said, hurriedly. "How come you didn't tell me? I have said things in front of you I would have never wanted RikeЯ to hear in a million years. I'm creepy, but I'm not that creepy."

"I'm sorry, I just thought since you were so in love with RikeЯ, you might have been in love with me too," Jeff said.

"Do you think I am?" Sebastian asked.

"… you tell me," Jeff said.

"I stand by my assessment. You'd be a good lay," Sebastian said. "God, the way you move your body does things to mine no one else ever has. But I don't think it would last." Jeff nodded. "Well! That's two years of my life I'll never get back."

"Sorry," Jeff said. "Whaddya think, are we gonna be okay?"

"One question," Sebastian said.

"Shoot."

"You and Nick aren't really hooking up in your dressing room, are you?"

"No," Jeff said. "Definitely not."

"Alright," Sebastian said. Jeff gave him a consolatory hug, which Sebastian sadly returned.

"Anything?" Jeff asked.

"You're pushing it, Jeff, you're still damn hot," Sebastian said. Jeff let go of Sebastian immediately. "So, uh… the Jonas Brothers. You don't happen to have any of their numbers, do you?"

"Damn, you bounce back fast!" Jeff exclaimed.

"Nah, that was a joke," Sebastian said. "I'm done being a fangirl for now."

"Well, good, cuz I don't have their numbers. I met them for like a second at an awards show last year," Jeff said.

"You and Nick, though," Sebastian said.

"Nick Jonas?" Jeff asked.

"No, our Nick," Sebastian said. "I can see that. He needs a good guy, you're a good guy. You're hot as hell. He's not a bad kisser… Hold on, did you actually read the references I dropped you?"

"I started to, but Nick took them away from me," Jeff said.

"So, you didn't get down to 'special skills'?" Sebastian asked.

"…no…" Jeff said. "What are these special skills?"

"No, no, no," Sebastian said. "I have to get that paper back from Nick."

"Sebastian," Jeff asked.

"What's up, kiddo?" Sebastian asked.

"You're not gonna tell Blaine, are you?" Jeff asked. "I don't want the Warblers to know. They'd treat me different – like… show choir royalty, and I'm really more comfortable being the quiet kid who dances in the back."

"Nah, I'm not gonna tell Blaine," Sebastian said. "Blaine is… he was the best three months of freshman year, but… then he changed. Nick and I, we've been best friends our whole lives, there have been times when it's been him and me against the whole world. He's let you in, and I think you'll be a good addition to our friendship."

"Alright cool," Jeff said. "And what exactly is a Sunday Morning Fuck for Satan?"

"Exactly what it sounds like," Sebastian said. "I convince a nice-looking choir boy to do me instead of going to church. Corrupting the teenage boys of Los Angeles one Sunday at a time."

"You're sixteen years old," Jeff said. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"You?" Sebastian suggested with a shrug.

"No, thank you," Jeff said. "I mean, don't you have a hobby?"

"Like a secret blog where I put thousands of beautiful pictures of RikeЯ's face? And more gifs than I could possibly count of that hip thing? No, I don't do that," Sebastian said. "And if I did, I certainly wouldn't tell you about it, and I definitely wouldn't point out that Nick's is way more obsessive than mine, he's just a little more composed about it in real life. And while I'm not telling you things, Nick's url is definitely not RikersCaliBoy."

"Whaat?" Jeff laughed.

"Seriously, you want obsessed, look at Nick's blog," Sebastian said. "I was a warm up act compared to him."'

"Yeah, no," Jeff said. "I will not be invading Nick's privacy like that."

"Yeah, if I was you, I wouldn't want to read all that cutesy shit about how in love with you he is," Sebastian said. "He's not a bad artist, either, I mean, he posted some really good drawings on RikeveЯett last weekend."

"RikeveЯett?" Jeff asked.

"No one ships RikeЯ and Everett more than Nick," Sebastian said. "Now that I think about it–"

"I have to go," Jeff said, taking off in the direction of home.

Jeff got to Nick's house and burst into the living room without knocking.

"Nick, I have to tell you something," Jeff exclaimed. Nick looked up from his laptop and immediately slammed it shut upon seeing Jeff.

"What's up?" Nick asked, moving his laptop to the coffee table, and putting three books and a bottle of soda on top of it.

"Remember that short story I said I wrote when I was seven?" Jeff asked.

"Yeah," Nick nodded, standing up and walking toward Jeff to further draw his attention from the laptop.

"Everett wasn't RikeЯ's best friend," Jeff said. "He was his boyfriend." Nick stared at Jeff. "His best friend was a penguin, but I was 7 and that's beside the point."

"What are you saying?" Nick asked.

"I'm saying I want to be your boyfriend," Jeff said. "I want you to be my Cali Boy and I'll be your superstar. I'm saying I love you." Nick stared.

"Since when?"

"Since Hey and let's play Monopoly," Jeff said. "If it's too weird for you, we'll work something out, but–" Nick cut him off with a kiss. "Thank Dead Wizard God."


A/N: Squeeeeeeeeeeeee. So um. Niff is a thing that exists, and that should hold you over for quite some time now, right, because, while I'd love to be on a weekly or biweekly or semiannual updating schedule, like I was in, let's say... summer 2008 (when i would publish something every day except Saturday), I don't think I can do that anymore, because it's 2013, and I have a job, so I can't spend all day lying on a picnic table writing. Buttttt I will be trying to get stuff out to you guys in a more orderly fashion than I do. I'm starting The Only Exception, the fourth installment in the Dark Side 'verse, probably later today, and, um... I really wanted to start publishing more stuff that I'm working on, like this Soulmate!AU Niff thing, and updating Artie's Shitty Life and my Hogwarts!AU, oh and my McKinley!Seblaine AU but, um... you know I won't be doing any of that haha.

Samantha.

Next time on Best of Both Worlds: It's Jeff's birthday, and the celebrity friends that Jeff didn't know RikeЯ had are throwing him a VIP party. Everett's on the guest list, but will Sebastian make the cut? Tune in next... eventually... to find out!