Chapter Two

It wasn't until later, after Caroline had driven me to the boarding-house and held my hand while I drank the cup of AB neg that she had thoughtfully warmed, that it hit me. No one had even questioned if I wanted to complete my transition, they had just proceeded like there was no other option. And weirdly neither had I.

And it was weird. I knew intellectually that if asked only yesterday if it came down to this very choice I would have been horrified and at least torn by the thought of having to make that decision. But somehow waking up in the morgue knowing that I could choose to live as a vampire or die, it all seemed kind of... well, stupid was what sprang to mind.

Okay, so I'd never have kids and grow old with the man of my dreams. Yeah right. Who was I kidding, I was dating a freaking vampire and my best friends were another vampire and a witch. My only remaining family member could see ghosts and wore a ring that brought him back from death but might possibly drive him insane if he kept wearing it. The only other person I cared about was the brother of my boyfriend, also a vampire and every other non supernatural person I had ever cared about was either dead, or in Matts case in the hospital, all because of me.

I remembered that day Stefan and I had hiked to the top of the falls to watch a sunset, the whole conversation now seemed so melodramatic and pointless. What the hell had I been so scared of. That girl seemed so young when I looked back on that day.

I had lost Jenna that very night and my own birth father, John Gilbert, had sacrificed his life to keep me living that girls fantasy.

Damon had nearly died and Stefan had become an emotionless killing machine in order to save him. In the end even Ric had died because of me.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

If I had turned back when Damon fed me his blood, both Ric and Tyler might still be alive. Klaus would have had no doppelganger blood to create hybrids with in the first place and all the mess with originals most likely would have been different.

Esther probably would have stayed in her coffin for another thousand years and I knew somehow we would have found a way to help Alaric lose his less than pleasant alter ego.

All of those events were a direct consequence of my desire to stay human, all because one little girl didn't want to give up her childhood dreams.

God, I was disgusted with myself. Everyone had been so willing to sacrifice themselves on the altar of Elena's life and I just stood by and let them. How was I any better than Katherine, she at least had never pretended she was anything but self centred .

As Caroline led me up the stairs to one of the spare rooms and tucked me under the covers it occurred to me that there was something else that even now I was doing my best to avoid thinking about, something that I needed to face, that up until now I had deliberately refused to look at too closely.

Something that becoming a vampire had brought into focus in such a way that I could no longer avoid thinking about it.

Okay Diary this is it, time to get real.

Why, if I loved Stefan so much, had the thought of turning to be with him been so repugnant. Surely if I loved someone as much as I claimed to love him then sharing eternity with him should have been the logical next step.

Out of nowhere my mind had flashed back to Matt's truck and my conversation with Damon. No Matter what I feel for you I never unfell for him.

My God, I'd deliberately pushed Damon away, told him I had to let him go, for what? for a guy that I knew, even then with all the yearning and angst, that I didn't necessarily want forever with. So the big question was why didn't I want forever?

And while I was being honest with myself the feelings that I had for Damon, the ache of longing I'd felt that night in the hotel while waiting for Ghost Rose to reappear? those emotions were not the feelings of a girl totally in love with someone else. The kiss that we'd shared that night was beyond anything I'd ever shared with Stefan.

I'd been on the verge of giving myself to Damon with no thought of Stefan and our epic love and only now could I admit that if it wasn't for Jeremy's timely interruption I wasn't sure that I wouldn't have.

Lying there freaking out over my thoughts I'd taken an unneeded breath and decided to shelve the emotional angst, to try and look at things logically.

Why was I so frightened of the way Damon felt about me and why had I stubbornly clung to my relationship with Stefan when I'd realized that his feelings might not be as one sided as he thought.

Okay, so Damon had done horrible things to me and mine in the past but I had seen him change, not only with me but in his interactions with the other people in my life.

Not so long ago even the man who had come to town to kill him had taken comfort in his presence. Somehow the vampire who'd killed Ric's wife had ended up being the man who'd stayed to share his last hours.

And yes back when he'd saved Caroline and Tyler last year he'd done it for his own reasons, but saving me had been his reason and getting bitten by Tyler had only happened because of Caroline's plea to free him. The old Damon would have staked Caroline and ripped Tyler's heart out, problem solved. Instead Damon had very nearly died because of his feelings for me and the people I cared about.

And then there was Stefan and the badness that had happened because of that bite. He had also done some really terrible stuff, mostly to people I didn't know, and in Andie's case didn't like, but to be fair, Klaus's compulsion had been to blame for most of it and it was his love for Damon that had given Klaus his hold in the first place. Still, did the fact that I didn't know the majority of his victims personally make him any less guilty of the same crimes I was so quick to convict Damon for.

The old Stefan was gentle and kind, always respectful of my decisions and willing to stand by my side no matter my choices. But even after Klaus had freed him from his compulsion it was still a much darker Stefan that had returned to Mystic Falls, one hell bent on punishing Klaus. As much as I hated to admit it not even his love for me had deterred him from that particular goal. He'd been ruthless that night on the bridge, in a way that I doubted even Damon at his worst could have been been.

So why was it that Damon in all his psychotic glory still put me first, even if it wasn't what I wanted. While Stefan seemed more than willing to use me as a tool to assuage his own anger, anger that despite his supposed switch being flipped back to normal had been strong enough that his hurting me for his own agenda had not been a problem.

My head was aching with all of my thoughts. .. Both of them loved me and both of them were good men in their own way.

Both of them had a dark and bloody past and had in the time I'd known them done things that should have sent me screaming for the hills. So why was I willing to treat each of them so differently. How was what Stefan had done any different to Damon's actions. Did what Klaus had done to him really excuse the way he'd been acting and how he'd treated me since he'd come back to town.

Was I in love with a guy that no longer existed?

How could the man that killed Damon's whatever she was and frightened me nearly to death that night in his car be the same guy that had told me he'd love me forever. The same guy that only hours ago had done what I asked and let me drown while he saved Matt.

And what the hell did that mean?

Did Stefan let me die because it was what he knew I wanted or because he figured he was going to die and it really didn't matter either way. And more to the point where had that cynical thought come from and why was I even questioning his motives in the first place.

If I loved him as much as I thought I did then I was pretty sure that I shouldn't be even entertaining such macabre thoughts, let alone doubting his love.

The fact that I was a vampire was a pretty big indicator that something had not gone right with the whole Klaus thing. But Damon had seen Alaric kill him so why were any of Klaus's line still alive? And had Stefan known that as he was saving Matt?

Which again led me back to Damon.

I knew there was no way, his rant at the morgue proof enough, that he would have allowed me to die while he saved Matt, but knowing Damon he would have done his best, (Hello vampire strength), to save the both of us.

Okay yes, if it had come down to it, it would most likely have been me that he'd have chosen to save first but not before trying to get us both out of that wreck. Damon, self confessed emotionless Damon, would always save me and to him that equated to saving the people I love.

God I was so confused, my thoughts were ping-ponging all over the place.

So it was at that point that I wisely decided that maybe if I slept on it everything would be clearer in the morning.

I was settling down to do just that when Caroline came out of the bathroom and slipped into bed next to me. She smiled tentatively and when I smiled back she seemed to relax for the first time since we'd arrived at the house.

Opening her mouth to speak I'd reached for her hand and cut her off before she could begin.

I'd reassured her that everything was going to be fine and that I just needed to sleep, that I was fine with the way things had worked out and we could talk about the rest of it in the morning. I'd reminded her that I knew what to expect with the turning because of the last time and that we would have tomorrow to work out the details. As for the whole blood lust thing, well we would deal with that when I woke up, that I trusted her to make sure that I didn't hurt anyone I cared about and that I just needed sleep more than I needed anything else, even blood.

I'd been careful to not mention Tyler because I wasn't ready to deal with the pain that particular name was going to bring up, both hers and mine.

I could tell she was still worried that I was in denial but after the night I'd had I decided to ignore it because if I didn't get my brain to switch off I might have just thrown that hissy fit she was so worried about. Mollified but only partly reassured she'd wished me a good night and settled down to sleep.

Of course nothing ever goes like I'd planned so the fact that I'd found myself waking up only a few hours later with a couple of new memories shouldn't really have surprised me, and it didn't, It was my reaction to them that did