How Not to Die (Again): A Guide To Surviving Your Afterlife (Vice-Captain Edition)

Being a Shinigami can be tough – trust us, we know. On top of the trauma that six years at the Academy can inflict, then there's the actual problem of the Gotei-13. That's why we're here to help you.

We're Back!

We have returned, by popular demand, to give you, relevant and IMPORTANT information in surviving your first few weeks in the Gotei-13! As you don't get to see the actual Captains that much (lucky ducks), there was the idea that maybe Vice-Captains were more your speed, and – thus! This comprehensive Guide to the Vice-Captains of the Gotei-13 was born! In here, you will be told the ins-and-outs of how to address each individual Vice-Captain, which ones you can run to when you're in trouble, and which ones you should avoid at all costs (there are more of them than you'd think).

Remember: Vice-Captains are only second in strength to actual Captains, so try to Keep On Their Good Side, or you might just…well…there have been accidents, in the past. Mysterious, unexplained and – often – unregistered accidents that have left bodies. These people don't come under as much scrutiny as their higher-ranked members of the Gotei-13, and therefore can Get Away With A Lot More.

As such, in order to stop you newbies from getting on their bad side, we introduce: The Thirteen Steps to Surviving The Gotei-13 (or: A Guide To The Vice-Captains That Want To Kill You).

Number One: Sasakibe Chojiro Is An Unknown Entity that We Suggest You Avoid

There isn't really much to say about Vice-Captain Sasakibe, other than he's reliable and good with paperwork. Like, really good with paperwork. Serial Killer good. There's never a mark out of place, a sheet half-done, or ink splotches in the corners: it is all filled out with psychopathic precision.

Not that we're insinuating anything, of course – oh, no, don't even think about it. Vice-Captain Sasakibe has been around longer than…anyone…which means that he knows pretty much everything that's going on. Here are some rules we suggest you follow:

If you see him: Bow.

If he sees you: Bow. Really, really low.

If he wants to talk to you (ha!): Continue to scrape your tongue on the floor, because he's kind of terrifying and older than most of Soul Society, so if he even thinks you're slacking off, you're done for. At best, you can expect a long, painful lecture. At worst, no one's ever going to see you again.

In short, address him with the respect he deserves.

Also, don't mess around with his tea. Just don't.

Number Two: Marechiyo Omaeda Is Faster Than He Looks (no, really)

Right, in case you don't know who Vice-Captain Omaeda is: he's the fat one. Who eats a lot. And usually sports bruises in all kinds of interesting places, courtesy of his temperamental Captain. Take it from us: this guy is an absolute pig, who doesn't know the meaning of 'courage'. He'll run in the opposite direction of danger, first chance he gets (unless his Captain is mocking him).

He's stinking rich.

Emphasis on the stinking.

How do you think he got into the position, anyway? It wasn't based purely on talent (and boy, are we glad this is an anonymous publication, or we'd be in for a law-suit bigger than Second Squad's bathhouse – which, by the way, is way nicer than the public ones available to all members of the Gote-13. Yeah, sure, Squad Two has to deal with a psycho for a Captain and a slob for a Vice-Captain, but they get to do it in style), though – loathe as we are to admit it – he does possess some. Not that he, y'know, likes to admit it. He'd rather be off eating somewhere.

Number Three: Kira Izuru, Angst Extraordinaire And All-Round Sweetheart (except when he isn't)

We love Vice-Captain Izuru. Really. Not only is he the voice of sanity to an otherwise psycho Captain (quick side note: we want to once again reiterate the need to run screaming should one see Captain Ichimaru), but he's good at his job. While he can be a bit of a downer, he's adorable enough to get away with it.

On that note: WARNING.

Vice-Captain Izuru has had to deal with prolonged exposure to Captain Ichimaru. He's not exactly stable. While we can't really fault him for that (say it with us, guys: Captain Ichimaru = run screaming. We are going to beat that into your thick skulls, until it manages to stick), it also means that talking to him is often an exercise in walking on eggshells.

Plus, he'll give you these looks. These awful, terrible looks that make you question everything about yourself, and about your life-choices, and oh, for the love of all that's holy, why would you choose to go into the Gotei-13? Why? Soul Society is such a cruel place, his eyes say, how could you willingly subjugate yourself to such cruel and unusual punishment, as to work with any of the Squads?

Not, ahem, that such a thing has ever happened to us. No. Not at all.

(Seriously, though, don't look the poor guy directly in the eye. It kind of freaks him out).

Number Four: Isane Kotetsu is Protected by Unohana-taicho – Fair Warning

Now, a lot of people take one look at Vice-Captain Kotetsu and think: easy mark.

Let us remind you why she's not:

She's protected by Captain Unohana

She's protected by Captain Unohana

She's protected by Captain Unohana

She's protected by Captain Unohana

And (because we think we're pounded that little titbit of information into your brains enough):

She's got enough kido skill to put you in Fourth Squad with a nasty bout of ditherer (and then refuse to treat you)

Don't get us wrong – Vice-Captain Kotetsu is an amazingly hard worker, who's honestly earned her position in the Gotei-13. She also possesses the weirdest phobias (note: DO NOT MENTION FISH-CAKES AROUND HER) and pretty much anything but porridge in the dining hall is going to set her off. When that happens, leave immediately, because if it even looks like it was deliberate…

Well, let's just say Captain Unohana won't be very happy.

Number Five: Momo Hinamori Is the Sweetest Thing Ever (Don't Insult Her Captain Within Hearing Range)

Vice-Captain Hinamori is diligent, resourceful, good at paperwork and one of the most competent Vice-Captains in the Gotei-13. She's not the most powerful, but she is one of the most logical, and always quick to help out anyone with a friendly smile. She was promoted almost entirely based on her kido results, so if you ever need an expert opinion, she's the go-to gal for all things demon-magic related.

Don't insult her Captain.

Look, she's sweet. She's great. We love her – we do. She also goes berserk if she thinks someone is hinting that there's something wrong with Captain Aizen. To date: seventeen people hospitalised, thirteen in need of therapy and nine have formally withdrawn* from the Gotei-13. If you hear the words "Snap, Tobiume!", then you're pretty much screwed. Nice seeing you. Bye-bye.

We're exaggerating (probably), but you should just be a little cautious when bringing up the subject of Captain Aizen, okay?

Number Six: Renji Abarai Has Serious Issues

Right. Okay. Vice-Captain Abarai is…

Well.

He's good at his job, for the most part. Paperwork is generally filled out on time (if not by him, than by his frost-bite inducing Captain), and he's easy to talk to. He came from the outer reaches of Soul Society, folks, so don't be shy to say 'hi' if you see him walking around. He might not be the most intelligent, but he's crazy strong, and we're all expecting big things from him.

He has a bit of a hang up about Captain Kuchiki.

Now, don't let that turn you off him. He's a real sweetheart – when he's, y'know, not yelling at people for not getting enough work done (read: not getting his work done), mopping up after Captain Kuchiki's latest law suit (he gets more of those than you'd think – none of which actually ever get into, y'know, a court). He's brash, and he's rude, but he's funny, too, and nice enough.

Here's the scary thing: he's probably one of the most stable Vice-Captains out there.

No, wait, we're serious. Disregard the pineapple hair and the crazy-ass tattoos for a second. Ignore the fact that he usually has the table-manners of a baboon, and that his sword is all kinds of strange and messed up (side note: don't spar with him. Just don't, okay? Not that we expect you to be anywhere near his level, of course – just, if he invites you, he's probably looking for a demonstration partner. Or a test dummy). In comparison to most of the Vice-Captains of the Gotei-13, Vice-Captain Abarai is actually (and we can't believe we're saying this) relatively sane.

Which means that you'd best go to him, if you're in trouble.

Just don't, y'know, try to kill Captain Kuchiki or anything. We think he wants to do that, first (and after all the shit he's had to put up with over the years, he's probably earned that right, too).

Number Seven: Tetsuzaemon Iba Is Really, Really Cool (SUNGLASSES!)

This guy is awesome.

Now, compared to some of the more…flashy Vice-Captains (*cough*Abarai*cough*), he seems almost ordinary. It takes a while to realise that, as always with the Vice-Captains, He's Really, Really Not.

Firstly, Vice-Captain Iba's paperwork sucks. Now, that's not generally a sign of an insane mind – to be fair, most of the paperwork, regardless of where it comes from, is really, really bad. It's the minority who's working their asses off trying to compensate for pretty much everyone else (we're part of that minority, honest!).

Also, another reason as to why he's not sane:

HE. WAS. IN. ELEVENTH.

He was Ikkaku Madarame's superior officer (more on this psycho later).

If that doesn't scream: CRAZY, than we don't know what else to tell you.

Also, he wears sunglasses. Indoors.

Number Eight: Nanao Ise is Hardworking, Diligent, and Can Concuss You With a Book at Ten Paces (in a blindfold)

This is a hard one, simply because she's so competent. She doesn't take bullshit or stupidity well, which is why we're a bit surprised that Captain Kyoraku has managed to survive this long without being smothered in his sleep. Granted, that probably wouldn't even phase someone on his power level, but that's not the point. She takes notes when asked, carries out orders to the letter of the law, and has a violent mean streak that means she can survive an overly-extended period in Captain Kyoraku's presence (which, let us tell you, isn't always fun and sake).

Don't hit on her.

If she doesn't put you in the Fourth, than she's either amused or interested. The first one is a good thing, because it means you'll get off almost scott-free: never do it again, and you might even live the full life-span expected of a Shinigami (which, after you manage to last the first few months, dramatically increases).

If she's interested, you're dead.

Captain Kyoraku is…old. In a healthy, sexy, totally robust way, of course (we're blunt, not suicidal), but he's still lived one hell of a lot longer than you have. He is also possessive, if you get out meaning.

You do? Good.

In conclusion: Vice-Captain Ise – Organised, Intelligent and Out Of Your League.

Number Nine: Shuuhei Hisagi Is A Serial Killer In the Making (we have evidence)

No, wait, don't wright us off just yet. Vice-Captain Hisagi is one of the best multi-taskers in the Gotei-13 (case of point: he manages to get most of his paperwork done on time, we well as editing for the Seireitei Communication Magazine and going on missions). He's really nice, too, if you manage to talk to him, if a bit harried because of all the responsibilities that he's forcing onto himself.

He also has a freaky-ass Zanpakutō.

Now, now, we hear you say: so what? Lots of people have scary Zanpakutō – that doesn't mean that they're the Serial Killers of Tomorrow. Oh, you poor, naive things – think about it this way. Zanpakutō are the reflection of people's souls. Vice-Captain Hisagi has twin reaper scythes.

He has publically claimed that he finds said blades loathsome to look at. Watch out, newbie, otherwise you might be next on his Hit List.

Okay, okay, so we're kidding. He's not a complete psycho. He's a real sweetie, honest. (Now, why don't you just scuttle over to Ninth and tell him that to his face, hmm?)

Number Ten: Rangiku Matsumoto Is Pretty (Terrifying)

You'll look at Vice-Captain Matsumoto and think: pretty.

After a few weeks in her presence, you'll look at her and think: Terrifying.

Vice-Captain Matsumoto is one of the coolest, most laid-back people in the Gotei-13 (Captain Kyroruku aside, of course). She likes drinking, she likes partying, and she usually dumps pretty much all her paperwork on either a) some poor unlucky moron who's too interested in her neckline to actually think about what she's saying (a.k.a. you) or b) her Captain. This will usually lead to frequent bouts of hypothermia in the Tenth barracks and, more often than not, the destruction of property.

We have no sympathy whatsoever.

Don't worry, we've all been there. She's so friendly, at first – look at poor Vice-Captain Hisagi. She's been running him ragged since Day One. Yes, she's really friendly. Yes, she's fun to be around.

No, she won't hold back when you're sparring, because she's a Vice-Captain and she gets a lot of sadistic joy in knocking people down. Remember that next time she asks you for drinks – or, alternatively, when she asks you to fill in this report, pretty please, I've just been so busy

If you see her running away from something, get out of the way. Odds are it's going to be Captain Hitsugaya, and he Doesn't Care About Collateral.

Number Eleven: Yachiru Kusajishi – RUN! (Guest Starring: Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa)

WARNING: Anyone in Eleventh is to be treated with biohazard-level precaution, preferably with backup at LEAST fifth-seat or above.

That's for the rookies.

Eleventh has a penchant for breaking things. Glass, walls, teeth, bones – you name it, they've probably had it splinted beneath their knuckles. They're a bunch of rowdy psychos with little to no empathy and a fanatical devotion to their freaky-ass Captain. They'll take anyone who falls in line with their ideologies (namely: FIGHT AND DIE LAUGHING), and when we mean anyone, we mean anyone.

Vice-Captain Kusajishi is a pink-haired child who kicks the shit out of anyone but her Captain and smiles (oh, that smile…). She is Dangerous. She is Not Cute. She is Not To be Touched. Here's a list of simple instructions we recommend you poor new recruits follow to the letter:

If You See Her, Run The Other Way

If You Know Someone On Her List (you'll know when that happens – the screaming usually helps) Avoid Them

If She Comes Up To You, Give her Candy and Back Away

If you Don't Have Candy, You're Screwed (bye-bye)

Are we overreacting? HELL NO.

Now, for our special mentions: Third-Seat Madarame and Fifth-Seat Ayasegawa

But we're learning about vice-captains, we hear you protest. We don't need to know about these losers! And what happened to fourth seat, while we're on the subject?

Excuse us while we laugh.

Eleventh has a screwed-up system of power, in that we're pretty sure at least one of these guys is Captain-class. Do they show any intention of trying for a Squad? No, and we're forever grateful for that fact. Don't underestimate these guys based on their ranks, and for the Love of Everything Holy, don't insult Fifth-Seat Ayasegawa's hair! He's pretty much the brains of Eleventh (emphasis on the 'pretty'), but that doesn't make him a weakling. He will Destroy All Your Internal Organs with a single glare, we are not kidding.

In conclusion: Avoid Eleventh.

Number Twelve: Nemu Kurotsuchi Is Gorgeous, Talented, and Has the Scariest Father EVER

Vice-Captain Kurotsuchi is Captain Mayuri Kurostuchi's daughter.

Just putting it out there in case one of you little twerps gets any…ideas. If you haven't heard of Captain Kurostuchi, we suggest you refer back to the earlier chapter on his…attributes. Yeah, attributes. That's what we'll call them.

Moving on.

Vice-Captain Kurostuchi is competent to a fanatical precision, but also has an unfortunate tendency towards misplacing certain pieces of paperwork and/or documentation that links into her father's experiments. She's fanatically loyal to him, despite how he treats her (and, boy, he does not treat her well), and will give you a smile anytime someone asks her why she sticks around (we've got bets on mind control).

Seriously, though, don't hit on her. Just don't.

It really, really isn't worth the pain.

..

Number Thirteen: …er…

Um. Right.

Here's the thing: currently, Thirteenth doesn't actually have a y'know, Vice-Captain. The last one…sort of…died.

But, hey, that happens, right? It's one of the risks of being in the Gotei-13!

Well! This brings us to the end of another chapter in How Not To Die (Again): A Guide to Surviving Your Afterlife. Hopefully, by following our practical (and free – remember, kids, this guide is free!) advice, you should live through your first few months as members of the Gotei-13. After that – well, that's up to you!

Good luck, fellow Shinigami! You have a three in five chance of surviving! We'll see you on the other side!

Happy Hollow Hunting!

….

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*or, you know, not. Welcome to the Maggot's Nest, my pretties…. *evil laughter*

A/N: *grins* I went a bit overboard on Eleventh… :) They're just so much fun to mock… Anyway, I hope this is enjoyable. Thank you very much to: Krazyfanfiction1, Schmoes, Meow.IamTHEcat and poodlecake85 (who gave me the idea for doing Vice-Captains) for reviewing. Hope this was funny! More Sorting Hat stuff coming later!

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach in any way, shape or form.

(Also, apologies for mistakes. I wrote this coming off a sugar-rush).

See ya!

MM