Kana: (sigh…sigh…sigh) Just…read the damn story…(flails into bed and falls asleep) I just spent a few hours reading the new Grey Griffins book (who cares if its WAY below my reading level? It's a marvel of human creativity) and I was all BOING when Vlad Dracula came in! I probably annoyed my poor, poor friend babbling on about the spiffiness.

Disclaimer: When I own Hellsing it will be the year 2012, and the world will be destroyed (but only if you listen to Nostradamus…or the Mayans…(sobs) We're all gonna die!).

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Dead, Death, and Dying

Chapter Two: Family Matters

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"Walter, hold him back!"

"I'll injure him!"

"I don't care – he'll kill him!"

"I won't kill him, I'll impale him slowly! I'll murder him! It's two different things because the former implies that I kill him quickly!"

Walter was struggling to keep Alucard from tearing Radu apart, then stabbing each of the pieces. The young man had put all of his weight into securing his wires around the vampire's chest, wrists, and ankles, effectively making him drop to the floor with his arms down near his sides. But he was slowly working his way through the sharp strings, loosing a layer of skin at the same time. Integra was putting all her strength into the seals, but Alucard was struggling against them, the insignia on his gloves glowing as bright as coronas. He must have been in a world of pain.

"Permission for limited release!" Alucard screamed, writhing in vain.

"Denied!" Integra walked over to him and, from lack of being able to think of anything else, bluntly kicked him in the head. Alucard yelped and stiffened, continuing to glare at Radu as if it would make the man explode. "Now stand down and let the man talk!"

Alucard growled, but complied, putting his face into the carpet and banging his head. One of his eyes peeked out at the bleeding, twitching body before him as Radu licked his wounds, his gentlemanly attitude gone in favor of a more beastly one. He was currently having a bit of a problem working around the silver bullets, which burned his tongue.

After the atmosphere had finally relaxed, Walter sighed. "We're becoming quite the dysfunctional group, are we not?"

"It would seem so." Integra rubbed her temples slowly, tapping her foot next to Alucard's head threateningly. She may not wear stilettos, but her rounded shoes hurt more than one would think.

OOOOO

Seras's eyes were as wide as dinner plates as she peeked in on the situation through a crack in the door. Her heart beat frantically as she prayed that her master was too occupied to notice her, and at the same time wanting him to see her, or perhaps become the Count again and smile (for she had been wishing that since the war ended). Maybe the introduction of his brother would make him do so.

A boyish whistle that obviously wasn't hers rang through her head, making Seras bristle. Boy, Fillette, you get way too hung up about that master of yours.

She bit her lip to hide her squeak. "Oh shut up; didn't you ever crave attention from your parents?" she whispered.

I don't remember, Girly, but I would not be this desperate just for a smile, Pip chuckled, grinning in her Mind's Eye.

"Shut up!" Seras hissed, protecting herself even more with her demonic arm. "You know, I'd rather you out here talking to my breasts than in my head where I can't tune you out!"

Oh, you are such a coquette, Cherie, Pip purred.

Seras blocked him out and focused on the scene behind the door, fiddling with the hem of her uniform with her good arm. Her master was struggling on the floor, grumbling. Integra tapped her foot a few times and then said something to Walter, who bowed respectively and stood back, his wires flying back to his palms.

If these Hellsings get any weirder that Iron Maiden is going to begin to go insane –

"Pip!"

Just for no reason start going 'dumdum diddee' and wear shirts with 'HEH' written across the front –

"Pip!"

And Big Red Fedora Hat over there will start using the phrases 'stupid' and 'dope' and go 'Yeeah boi' all the time –

"PIP!" Seras didn't know how loud she was getting as she flushed to her hairline. Her master acting like that – it was so unreal.

And then maybe this new Radu guy can finally get us on an American reality show –

"PIP!" Seras was screeching now.

"Miss Victoria," Walter was standing above her, making Seras realize that she had been kneeling. "Is there something you and the Captain wish to add to this reunion?"

Seras made a tiny 'meep' sound and shook her head, still blushing heavily. Walter smiled. "Good. Perhaps you care to join us?" She nodded this time. "That's a good girl." He tapped her head twice and walked back into the room, leaving Seras to blush in peace.

I blame you.

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Radu had this way of making tea so that it also appealed to the pallet of vampires. He gave a cupful of the odd, sweet-smelling tea to Integra, who – for once in her life – hesitated and sniffed it before sipping. She was a bit surprised that he could still move, especially while Walter was plucking the bullets from his spine with medical tweezers. The butler was a bit reproachful at having to remove them from a moving target.

"I've never tasted this kind of leaf before," Integra mused, taking another – longer – sip.

"It's Japanese," Radu grinned, watching with slight amusement as Seras did the same thing, only with much more enthusiasm. "With rice."

"Don't count the rice, Police Girl." Alucard snapped when Seras began to stare fixedly at the shallow, yellowish tea. His cup lay untouched as he nursed wounds on his wrists from Walter's wires, licking the gashed until they healed. He was so repulsed by the tea that he used his foot to make it scoot further away from him. "You'll never be able to stop."

"How do vampires drink this without becoming ill?" Walter asked, digging the tweezers deep into a wound, pushing apart the muscle and finding the third and last bullet. It was wedged into Radu's spine, molded to the bone. It was a wonder he was still moving his legs.

Radu was smiling so wide his lips were going off his face – literally. "It all comes down to immunity. Genmaicha used to only be served to the poor, and because of their numbers, vampires would usually drink from common folk, who would usually still have the tea in abundance in their blood. I'm not sure of how it works, but that's the gist of it." He didn't even flinch as Walter ripped the last bullet from his spine, and instead looked back to survey the work. "Hmm, you're quite good at this for such a small boy."

Walter blushed so hard Integra was surprised his head didn't explode. Seras muffled her giggle by taking another sip, and had to think depressing thoughts to keep it from going up her nose – which was not very pleasant for a vampire. Once Pip had made her laugh when she was having a meal from a ghoul, and the blood had come right out her nose, to Alucard's evident joy.

"Oh, look at the time," Walter looked at his watch – damn, he didn't have a watch; time to improvise. "I think I hear the kettle." He was halfway to the door when –

"The kitchen is below us, and I hear no kettle." Integra smirked, taking another sip and chewing on the bit of rice that was left at the bottom.

"Yes, but I do." And then Walter was gone.

"Did I say something wrong?" Radu looked around in curiosity.

As if on cue, Pip decided to chime in with his own comment.

The butler is black…the butler is blue…cause he looks like…he could go out with you…He sang, making Seras's ears ring. Or maybe her mind rang, since the sound was centering inside her head instead of on the sides.

"Oh shut up," She snapped, chewing on the rice.

Alucard, at the moment, was sitting on the back of a delicate 'fancy' couch. And like every delicate 'fancy' couches, it was very unstable with him sitting on it. And even a vampire king was bound to make a delicate 'fancy' couch topple over.

So as soon as Integra got off her side of this delicate 'fancy' couch to get closer to Radu, gravity got the best of the poor Nosferatu and sent him falling backwards – with more than a few curses – onto the floor.

"Damn it all!" He bellowed before disintegrating into the floor.

Integra glared at the spot and the fallen couch, wondering whether she should lock him in his coffin until kingdom come. Then she thought against it, as she didn't feel like listening to him whine.

"Well," Radu stared nervously at the toppled couch. "Now I know I've done something wrong…" He fidgeted uncomfortably. "Maybe I should leave…"

"No," Integra snapped, holding him back in his chair as he tried to get up. She stared at the door. "He's always like that."

"He's always irate?"

"No – he's always a jackass."

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"You know…you people need to learn how to knock."

Integra squinted into the darkness, trying to see through the thick atmosphere. The last time she'd stormed in here without checking she'd nearly killed herself tripping over his coffin. That was something she did not wish to experience again.

Alucard had draped himself over his 'throne', his long legs over an arm with his elbows on the other. He had his hat over his face, as if the sudden light spilling in from the open door hurt his eyes, but she knew he could see her just as well as anyone else. A few fresh piles of blood bags were at the seat of the chair, most of them only half empty and thrown away, as if none of them were up to Alucard's standards.

"Shut up and look at me." Integra hissed, walking up to his chair. A half-empty bottle of red wine mixed with warm blood was sitting on his little table, but the glass was no where in site. Upon inspection of the room, she saw the glass's fragments in a corner, probably after having been thrown. The poor, unsuspecting wine glass.

"I am looking at you," he rasped, holding up his palm, where an eye was blinking innocently at her. "See? You look very lovely when you are angry."

"Look at me with your actual eyes or I'll personally jab all of them out with silver nails." Integra tapped her foot, making clear clicking noises on the cobble stones. Her hand shot out and grabbed his fedora, tossing it over her shoulder. If she had looked back she would have seen it disappear in a flurry of shadows before it hit the floor.

"That's not very nice," Alucard smiled pleasantly at her, but Integra did not need to struggle to see the antipathy in his eyes. "That's my favorite hat."

"It's your only hat." She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest, looking down her nose at him. "I know you're not one to accept someone's forgiveness and drop a grudge, but how could one man give you so much grief?"

Alucard's hat materialized over his face again as he rested back once more. This made it impossible for her to read his expression.

"He made my wife jump from the tower." He mumbled to the hat's lining. "The bastard made her commit suicide."

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Kana: Aw, Alucard's so sad! (hugs Vlad the Impaler and gets…impaled)…(bleeds) You guys better be happy about this update, since its two AM here and I'm running of pure insomnia! Dracula is SEXY! X3 What…is it only my opinion? T-T

Review Responses:

Cannot fathom a PenName: I FREAKING LOVE YOU! Sorry, I do that when a review is expressive like that XP I love the Alucard – Walter relationship during WWII, I often use it as a base for a lot of my original characters.

Mina: Where'd you get your facts? Radu Dracula was a traitor to his family when he converted to Muslim and became a kind of 'figure head' and war tactician for the Turks.

KageAmaya491: Nah, the furry plot bunny of DOOM is still in development…but I'm working on it. This is the fuzzy plot bunny from HELL. There's a difference. MY Radu was turned – not by Alucard – but by something else ;) I'm not telling. I love Walter too (though it's more Dawn Walter and not DARK Walter). Why can't you laugh during homework? I laugh a lot – usually cause my math book is appalling and has a lot of 'LAWLZ' crap written in it. Aw, but I love Yami no Malik. He AND Sessy are cute (Fluffy and Spiky).

VampireEgyptian: (sniffle)…(sniffle)…(bursts into tears) WHA! (runs away) (Touzoku: Oo Oh dear…I think you hurt her feelings…) (Alucard: (nod-nod) Indeed…if Kana-kun was here, she would first scold you for saying such a thing in all caps, then thank you for liking the story, then say some strange things – most of which include me without a shirt – and then RAWR you back before walking away)

Master of the Boot: I love a good Radu/Alucard/family fun story. The Dracula family was FUCKED UP…'nuff said. A plot bunny is another term for a story idea that just seems to 'pop' up, very much like a bunny and very erratically. There are also 'kinds' of plot bunnies (I usually get black emo/angst plot bunnies, pink yaoi plot bunnies, orange humor plot bunnies, weird little purple poetry plot bunnies, or the very, very rare crimson heterosexual plot bunnies). There was this ONE time I got a very awkward smutty bunny during History and it wouldn't leave me alone until I fantasized about it and drooled on my sleeve – which was noticed. X3 I'm very bad…

End Responses

Kana: I'm currently working on two more Hellsing fics before I force myself back into a Yugioh obsession (probably with some AE arc manga and subs cause Touzoku makes me laugh with his girl scout voice (cackles)) one is a sort of Seras-conflict thing because Fortune made me see how many fans Seras has – and I feel like working on writing her personality – and the other is a Hellhound humor fic. I'd get through them faster but…well…I've been back into a World of Warcraft phase again with the new WRATH pack coming out. Plus I've met some new friends on there (all of which are guys…Oo and one is the cutest thing you could ever meet – hope he isn't a stalker)

I must go now, for I have school in…a few hours X.X

REVIEW! PLEASE!