She just had to hang on for a little while longer. She could do it. She was a soldier, an officer in the Air Force. Just be brave Sam and keep your head up. Soon you can go hide in corner and collapse in a puddle of guilt and remorse. Unless she was arrested of course. In that case she'd be going to the brig and wouldn't have the luxury of a private pity session.
The Colonel had said he didn't think it was – that word. That it had been alien influence and so not her fault. She tried to tell herself that was true, but her mind wouldn't stop returning to what she'd done. It had come back to her in all its glory, or in reality all its shame. She couldn't stop thinking about his eyes – how horrified he'd looked.
She didn't care what he said. It had been rape. Oh, he hadn't done anything to stop her, but she'd known, from his eyes, that he hadn't wanted it to happen, he'd just been powerless to stop it. God, what was she going to do? What was Hammond going to do? He couldn't ignore this, couldn't let it go. She would be court martialed, she would be sent to jail, her career and her life in tatters. It would be worse for the Colonel though –was already worse. He had to live with the memories of what she'd done and, if it got out, the humiliation. It was bad enough for a woman – but for a man, especially in the military, it would be horrific.
"Major!" The Colonel's voice sounded sharply in her ear. She swiveled her head to look at him, expecting to see guards advancing on her. Instead she saw him peering at her in confusion. It was only then that she realized she was standing on the ramp in the gate room with Daniel, Teal'c and the Colonel all looking at her in concern.
"Sorry Sir. What?"
"We're to go to the Infirmary to get our post mission check Carter. Come on, you're holding things up."
"Oh." She took a step down, feeling like she was walking to her doom. As she moved she could feel a hand take her arm. It was only as she pulled away sharply that she realized it was Daniel, not the Colonel. "Sorry", she said softly.
Daniel didn't know what was going on but knew that something had happened back on the planet. He'd been so excited by his discovery that he hadn't realized that Jack and Sam were both acting strangely. He'd noticed Teal'c's puckered brow and only then had clued in to the fact that the two of them were looking pale and tense. Jack moved ahead quickly towards the Infirmary, which in itself was a clue that something was wrong. He was usually the last one out of the gate room,feeling it was his responsibility to ensure his team all made it that final step home.
By the time they reached Janet's domain, Daniel was really worried. He could tell that Sam was shaking, something he'd never seen her do before. Jack was already in the examination room but was arguing with the nurse. Well, at least that was normal!
"No, you can't examine me. I'll wait for Dr. Frasier.", he told her, his voice sounding more harsh than usual. He didn't like getting checked out but was usually pretty gracious about it, at least to the nursing staff. He knew it was required and that it wasn't fair to take his abhorrence of medical checks out on them. They were only doing their duty.
"But Sir, she's with SG7. They arrived a little while ago and there were injuries. She told us to go ahead and finish the tests. It could be hours before she's done."
O'Neill gritted his teeth and looked, for a moment, like he didn't know what to do. Daniel frowned again. What was going on? There was something very weird here. Jack surely wouldn't want to wait for Janet when he appeared healthy – he frowned again. Okay, he didn't exactly look healthy, although he wasn't injured, at least that Daniel could see. He was definitely pale and – wait, there was some kind of a mark, a scratch or something, down the side of his neck.
Daniel glanced down at Sam who stood silently beside him. Her shaking had stopped but he noticed that her eyes were focused on the floor in front of her. He didn't think she'd looked up except the one time he'd taken her arm. "Sam? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine Daniel", she answered him in a voice so low he could barely hear her words. "I just want to get this over with." Although her words were simple enough, to Daniel they had a much more ominous sound. Teal'c also looked as though what she said meant something more than the desire to get the tests finished.
"Okay everyone", Jack took a deep breath and looked at his team members. His eyes only rested very briefly on Carter before they swiveled away to the two men. "Let's get this over with", he said clearly, unconsciously echoing Sam's words. He took the few steps to an exam table and hopped up, although he grimaced slightly when he landed. He'd forgotten that he was still – sore.
Sam followed his implied order and made her way to another table, the one farthest from where the Colonel was seated. She carefully sat and refocused her eyes on the incredibly interesting floor. Daniel and Teal'c followed next, although they looked at each other as they moved to their respective tables. Something was definitely not right with SG1.
"Uh Sir?" The nurse who was feeling the back of his neck for any unwelcome passengers, stopped and took a step back, a definite frown on her face. She reached up again and tried to gently lower the Colonel's shirt around his neck. She was stopped when a hand reached up and grabbed hers.
"It's okay Lieutenant", he told her gently. "I just scratched myself shaving. Just make sure that no alien parasite has taken up residence and then you can let me go. You've already taken my blood and checked my eyes with that damn light. I'm fine."
"But Sir", she said softly. "Protocol says I'm to report any kind of open wound and those scratches -"
"Are nothing. I – did them to myself. You don't need to worry about them."
The young officer was looking panicked. She knew her duty and knew that Dr. Frasier would have her liver for breakfast if she didn't follow proper protocol. On the other hand, the Colonel had told her to back off. She didn't know what to -"
"Jack, come on", Daniel couldn't take the look on Lieutenant Farrow's face. "You're not being fair. She needs to look at the scratches or Janet will give her – uh – trouble. Just let her take a look and then you can get out of here."
Jack sighed and dropped the hand holding the nurse's wrist. His eyes closed briefly but then he nodded. He reached up and pulled the t-shirt down. "There, you can just put some stuff on them and they'll be fine."
The nurse took a tentative step closer and looked down at the scratches. It was obvious that they extended down past the Colonel's neck and were much more extensive than a simple scratch while shaving. How he would have done that anyway, while shaving, was beyond her. "I'm just going to take a swab Colonel, to make sure there's nothing in there that might cause an infection."
Daniel turned his eyes quickly when he heard the strange sound coming from Sam's table. She continued to look down, but he was pretty sure she was shaking again. "Sam? Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine Daniel."
His eyes clouded over at her answer. It wasn't the words, but the inflection that worried him. What she said implied that she was okay, but that someone else wasn't. His head turned slowly towards his CO – he was pretty sure she meant Jack. Was she talking about those scratches? Could that be worrying her? But if so, why didn't she just bug the Colonel about getting them looked at? She normally wouldn't be frightened of something like that. She was very good – better than either Teal'c or him – in getting Jack to do things he didn't want to do. And they were just scratches – unless he'd gotten them doing something he shouldn't – oh God!
Daniel's head jerked up so fast he almost dislocated his neck. Teal'c instantly noticed and tilted his head in inquiry. "Uh – nothing", he answered the silent query. "I just remembered that I – uh – left something on the stove."
"Daniel?" Jack looked over at him, a strangely blank look on his face. "You'd better contact someone and have them go to your place right away. You don't want to burn down your apartment building."
"It's okay. The stove wasn't on."
Everyone, except Sam, looked at him strangely, but then went back to what they were doing. Daniel watched as Farrow took a Q-Tip and reached towards the Colonel's neck. He wasn't surprised to see the older man flinch away.
"Do you really need to do that?" he asked the young nurse.
"Yes Sir, it's protocol."
"Fine, can I go now?" he asked when she'd finished. "You've got everything you need."
"I'm sorry Sir, but those scratches look like they extend farther under your shirt. I really need to clean them up before you go. If you'll just take your shirt off I can do it quickly."
Jack sat as if frozen, his face still a blank mask. It was only when Daniel glanced over at Sam that he saw that she too looked like a statue. "Uh Jack – what's going on?" he finally asked.
It was then that Sam let out a soft whimper. It was barely above a breath of sound, but in the silence of the Infirmary it sounded as loud as a gunshot.
"Sam?" Daniel hopped down from his table and made his way over to her. He reached out to put his hand on her knee but she flinched away from him. "Sam, what's wrong. What's going on?"
She simply shook her head, looking a bit like a young child refusing to answer its parent.
"Sam, come on – you have to tell us what's going on. What happened on the planet? Did you guys run into someone there and you're not telling us?" He turned slightly and spoke to the man sitting so still on the table, the young nurse standing there looking frightened. "What's going on Jack? What happened down there?"
"Nothing Daniel. Everything's fine."
"It is not fine O'Neill. Something is obviously wrong and Samantha Carter is very upset. What occurred on the planet?"
"Nothing. What the hell is wrong with you two? Can't you bloody well hurry up", he said to the nurse. "I want to get out of here!"
Nurse Farrow backed up a step, tears springing to her eyes. "I'm sorry Sir", her voice quavered. "I just -"
"Damn it Jack! Don't take it out on her and stop lying. Sam wouldn't be in the shape she's in if something hadn't happened. You know you're going to have to tell us – if not now when we debrief with Hammond. Just let the nurse do her job and quit saying you're fine!"
Without warning Sam suddenly broke down, the effort of trying to stay calm and focused just too much. She began to cry, at first softly, but that soon turned to gulping sobs. Daniel tried to comfort her but she resisted. When Teal'c went over to see what he could do she pulled away from him, unable to let anyone try and help her.
"What the hell Teal'c?" Daniel glanced at his friend, who shrugged in confusion and helplessness.
"I do not know Daniel Jackson. We should ask Dr. Frasier to come." Both of the men then turned to where Jack still sat on his exam table. Neither of them could understand what was happening. At any other time he would have been the first one to Sam's side, trying to comfort and help her, but this time he sat as still as a rock.
"Jack?" Daniel said reproachfully. "Sam needs you."
"No she doesn't", he answered shortly. "I'm sure I'm the last person she wants to see right now." He seemed to come to a decision then, however, and jumped up off the table, waving away the poor nurse who now looked like she wanted to flee. "Carter", he barked, his jaw clenching. "I told you already – it was alien influence. Just let it go!"
She raised her head at that, a look of anguish and pain etched deeply on her face, the tears dripping slowly down her cheeks. "No Sir", she hiccupped softly. "It wasn't – it was – it was rape Sir. Nothing more, nothing less." With that she pulled herself away from Daniel and Teal'c and ran from the room. Daniel went to follow her but when he heard the sound of Janet's voice he stopped. After a few minutes it grew quiet – the Doctor obviously having taken the Major into another room.
The two men – the one who had been a warrior for many years and had found freedom and honor among the Tauri, and the other – the one who had been a lost soul but who had found purpose and a family here, turned slowly and looked at the man they both held responsible for their present lives.
"Jack?" Daniel's voice broke. "It's – not true. It can't be."
"O'Neill. What has happened my brother?" He took two steps forward and stopped, his expression one of disbelief.
Jack slowly raised his eyes and saw his two friends, the men he held as closely as brothers, peering at him with expressions which – he couldn't understand. "What?" he asked, glancing from one to the other. "What are you looking at?"
"Jack – you didn't. Tell us you didn't?"
"Didn't what?" His confusion grew. What were they talking about? All he could seem to remember was Sam, looking at him with wounded eyes and then running from him. What had she said? What was this – oh God! She's said –
"NO!" he practically shouted. He saw a slight movement at his side and turned to find Nurse Farrow cowering away from him. He put his hand out to steady her, to stop her but she squealed in fear and stepped back, immediately losing her balance. She crashed to the floor and he hurried to help her – causing her to cringe away even more.
"No", she whimpered, her arms held protectively over her face.
"What's -"
"Jack – leave her alone!" Daniel raced over and helped her to her feet. "Just – leave her be. You've frightened her."
The Colonel leaned wearily up against the table and closed his eyes. He felt so tired – and he hurt, both inside and out. He just wanted to sleep, to lie down and – no – that would bring back the memories, would make him remember lying there, helpless, unable to stop her. He straightened up and glanced at Teal'c, who was staring at him with a strange expression on his face. "Teal'c? Go find her. Make sure she's okay", he told his friend softly. "She needs to be checked out by Janet, to make sure she's okay."
"Do you believe she is injured O'Neill?" The Jaffa asked, his voice suddenly cold.
"No – I don't think so, although the alien thing may have messed with her. She – needs to get checked out. Can you get Frasier? I don't think she'll want to see any guys for a while."
"She is with Dr. Fraiser already", Teal'c answered abruptly.
"God no Jack!" The exclamation sounded as if it was forced from Daniel.
"What?" Jack looked at him again in confusion. He couldn't figure out why they were looking at him like that. What was going on? Did they know? He suddenly felt dizzy and leaned back against the exam table, not wanting to pass out but afraid it was going to happen. It was all just too much and he couldn't take it. He kept seeing her eyes – first staring down at him with that terrible expression, touching him, hurting him – and then, just now, looking lost and hurt. He wanted to help her, to tell her again it wasn't her fault, but part of him did blame her. Part of him hated her for what she had done to him – and he also hated himself for even thinking that of her.
God – he had lost her - and yet he had never really had her.
"Did you do it Jack?" Daniel reached out and gently laid his hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Did I do what Daniel?" he looked at the younger man, almost at the end of his rope. He didn't realize it, but he was in shock, everything that had happened finally catching up to him. "What are you asking me?"
"What Sam said. Was it – was it – rape?"
What to answer? He closed his eyes wearily and sighed. He shook his head slightly, not wanting to answer, not wanting to admit to the shame of it. He would just explain that it was the alien device, that it was no one's fault and she shouldn't be blamed. They would just chalk it up to their travels through the gate and go on, just like they'd gone on after so many other missionss. He'd tell them that, explain it all to them. But right now, he was just too tired. "Yes", he breathed, and leaned forward, wanting to rest.
He didn't see the shocked looks on the other men's faces, didn't see their anger or their consternation. All he knew was he'd had enough.
Even through his horror and despair, Daniel wasn't able to let his friend fall to the ground when he passed out. He caught him as he fell and, with Teal'c's help, they laid him gently on the table.
"Call Frasier and then call security", he told the nurse. With a small shake of his head his eyes rested on the still form of the Colonel. "And God help us all."
