Disclaimer: I Don't Own Glee
xxxxxxxxxx
Surprisingly, I was able to get through the rest of the school day without a single word from Brittany or Mr. Davis. I saw him looking at me at lunch, however, he didn't say anything. I knew he wanted me to tutor Brittany, but there were many reasons to why I shouldn't. 1. She bullies me on a daily basis. 2. She doesn't deserve to be tutored as it since she doesn't even listen in class. 3. I'm in love with her and if I tutored her I am pretty sure she would find out. Plus it isn't as though she wants a tutor otherwise she would go and find one herself which she actually liked and respected. Does she respect me? No. She never would respect me and I couldn't work with someone like that. I would happily tutor someone who was willing to learn, but just seeing how Brittany acts it isn't as though she cares about her education. I had better stuff to be doing with my time than tutor Neanderthal's like her.
It was coming to the end of the day and all I had to get through was my free period then I could leave. Unfortunately I don't have the advantage of being able to go home early since I was still in high school. I was writing a paper in English which I had half completed, however, I was only given it earlier today so you can't blame me for not having it done already. I saw the chair in front of me get pulled out from under the table from the corner of my eye. Great. Brittany was most likely sat in front of me. Perfect.
"Can I help you?" I asked, looking up to see Brittany sat there with her arms leant on the back of the chair. Yeah, she doesn't sit on chairs properly since apparently it's cooler to have the back of the chair in front of you instead of behind you.
Brittany shrugged her shoulders. "I need to graduate, and since you are my only ticket out of here, I'm going to allow you to tutor me. You're welcome."
Looking up, I gave the blonde a look of disgust. "You're going to allow me to tutor you? Oh aren't you just a kind one. Last time I checked you're the one who needs me, so if I were you I would act less like an asshole."
I watched Brittany raise her eyebrow. "I'm being the asshole? Aren't you nerds always wanting to help other people with their homework?"
"Yes, unless the person in question is like you, then we tend to avoid them like the plague." I said before going back to my work. If I timed it right I could get this done in the next hour and have the evening to myself. Just thinking of that prospect made me even more excited to finish my paper, well, until a hand covered it up to prevent me from writing. "What do you want now?" I added looking up again to see she was still there. Urgh, why did she have to come into my life and make everything more complicated?
"You are going to tutor me, Lopez." Brittany said in the same harsh tone she always uses. "I'm not playing around. I need to get out of this place and since you are the only person who can help me, you are going to."
I pushed Brittany's hand from my paper. "Okay to start with you really need to learn how to ask someone for a favour, because that is not how you do it. Ordering me to help you is definitely not going to make me want to be around you and last of all if you want help you'll have to pay me."
"Are you fucking serious?" Brittany asked in annoyance. "Why the hell should I pay you to help me?"
I shrugged leaning back in my chair. "It's either that or you'll be here for another year after everyone you know has gone off to college. You don't seriously want that, do you?"
Brittany chuckled. "Not bad, Lopez. Not as good as me but not bad. Just meet me here after school."
I rolled my eyes standing up gathering my stuff. Sam's lesson finished shortly so maybe I could just go and wait for him until he finished. I really did not need this right now. I loved Brittany yes, but I was not going to waste my time no matter how much I wanted to be around her. "It's not happening Brittany, alright? And stop trying to bully me into agreeing with you too. It's getting old."
I was about to walk past her when she took hold of my jacket glaring at me. It was scary but it was kind of hot at the same time. How the hell does someone who is threaten you look so good? I closed my eyes expecting her to hit me or something but when it didn't happen for a few seconds I opened my eyes and saw a teacher standing behind her. Thank the lord.
"Brittany let go of her." Mr Davis ordered which Brittany listened to. "If you want to be tutored that badly I'm sure one of the other students can help."
"I don't want to be god damn tutored!" Brittany snapped at him with a glare. "Whatever, I have somewhere to be."
With that, Brittany stormed out of the library. It was sad thinking that she needed to go to threatening behaviour to get what she wanted, but I'm pretty sure it isn't her fault. She must act this way for a reason and I understood that to some extent. Even though she was failing in one of her classes, or multiple, she at least had dancing going for her. She was actually really good; I had seen her perform at one of the glee assemblies. Of course she was in the background behind Rachel and Finn but I only noticed her. She was the only one I wanted to notice. Shaking my head I turned my attention to Mr Davis.
"Sorry you had to see her like that, sir." I apologised on Brittany's behalf. "I'm sure she doesn't mean it."
"You are a good person, Miss Lopez. It was why I wanted you to tutor her in the first place in hopes of you influencing her but, of course, I don't think that will be happening." He praised with a smile before walking away away from me.
I was not going to let that thought get to me, in any way as a matter of fact. I walked out of the library towards the hallway to wait for Sam since his class finished in five minutes. Making my way there I stood at the side, leaning against the wall waiting. Brittany must have gotten the message since I couldn't see her anywhere. I shook my head trying to forget about the situation when the door opened and his class came out. Finally.
"Hey Santana." Sam greeted with his goofy smile. "Ready to go?"
"Yeah let's go."
We made our way towards the exit walking towards my car. Sam has failed his test a few times now so I think he is giving himself a break before he tries again. I don't blame him to be honest. I'm lucky to have passed first time but not everyone gets that lucky. Sam and I usually played video games after school so that is what I planned to do. I just wanted to forget about the whole Brittany situation going on through my head right now an focus on something less stressful. It was what I needed to keep my stress levels down with the whole baby situation on top of everything else.
"You know for someone who is 3 months pregnant you can hardly tell." Sam said once we drove away from the school. "Do your parents know?"
I raised my eyebrow glancing at him before looking at the road once again. "Are you serious? You have met my parents so do you really think I would still be living at him if they knew? No, I'm trying to avoid the situation as much as possible."
"I understand. Well whenever they find out I'll be there the whole way."
I couldn't help but smile. "Thanks Sam. I'm lucky to have you as my best friend."
We didn't go to my house a lot since it was Sam's house where all the video games were. I did have my Xbox at my house but I bought that with the money I earned from my job. Since my parents worked as surgeons they had really good paying jobs and wanted me to do the same thing. I told them once that I wanted to be a singer =, this was back when I was around six or seven years old, however, my dad had told me that to succeed in life you needed to have a good paying job which was why they were so big on education. It was also most likely one of the reasons why I liked to study now. I grew up within that atmosphere so I became that kind of student in school. Of course my parents loved it because they hope that I'll become a surgeon or doctor one day but I don't want to do that with my life. I want more than that. What I want is to have happiness as well as success. It wasn't that much to ask for really.
"Has Brittany or Mr David talked to you anymore about tutoring?" Sam asked whilst I parked my car in his driveway.
"Yeah they did. I had both of them ask me about it actually. Well, it was more Brittany trying to threaten me to tutor her but still." I responded shrugging my shoulders before getting out the car. "She needs me, but I can't get myself to help her."
"You shouldn't even feel the need to help her, San." Sam argued getting out the car himself walking inside with me. "She only cares about herself and that's it. What would she have done for you in return exactly? I can assure you, she would have done nothing."
"Why do you think I said no?" I asked him throwing my bag down on the floor of his room sitting down in one of his bean bag chairs. "The fact of the matter is I wouldn't have been able to work with her because I love her and it would be hard for me."
"You don't even need a reason for not talking to her. She's a bitch and that's that."
Sam did have a point. Even though she was part of the Cheerios, she still made time to be a bully towards others. She was actually worse than Quinn and, coming from me, that is saying something because Quinn is a horrible person. The both of them were a team actually, the only difference being that Quinn had a limit and it seemed like Brittany didn't. Sighing, I picked up the spare remote waiting for Sam to turn on the Xbox leaning back into the beanbag I was sitting on.
"What's up, San?" Sam asked sitting beside me picking up the other remote looking towards the TV. "Don't you want to play?"
"What? No, of course I do!" I exclaimed sitting up. "Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind."
"I get it. With the whole pregnancy you have a lot to think about."
I sighed nodding my head. "Exactly, and I'm raising the child alone too. I'm going to have a young child to look after with no parents to support me."
"I'm always going to be there to support you even if I need to get a job too just so I can help you." Sam said nudging his shoulder against mine. "You're like my sister."
That's what is so great about Sam. He's always been here for me so even if I have to raise this child alone I'll at least have Sam, which gives me a little hope. I have been so scared doing this whole thing alone. I have no clue how to raise a baby and to be a single parent is even worse. I couldn't even get help from my parents because this happened to another person in my family and they were kicked out and never spoken about. My family was against everything to do with children being born before marriage. Especially if the child is born to a young parent which makes me a disappointment, You have no idea how hard it has been to please them throughout my life.
"Okay let's make you less depressed before you start crying." Sam said with a chuckle which I couldn't help but do too. "I bet I can beat you at this once again."
I smirked looking at him. "I don't think so. I'm going to win."
"Winner gets bragging rights?"
I laughed nodding. "Plus they have to buy a chocolate bar for the other."
"Oh you are so on, Lopez." Sam said before we both got straight into the game.
xxxxxxxxxx
Later that night I found myself standing in front of my favourite places in Brighton. The Bailgate Lounge. I had been working here for the past year and a half and it's been so amazing. I have customers that come in just to hear me sing every Friday and Saturday. I chose to apply here specifically since it was in a quiet location where it was highly doubtful that people from school would just walk in and take a seat. It might be quiet but I liked it that way. Plus I got along with all the staff here and that was a bonus since Sam was genuinely my only friend outside work. It was okay though because at least I knew who my real friends were.
"Santana!" Dave, my manager, cheered when he saw me giving he a hug. "How are you, my dear?"
"I'm good, Dave." I responded hugging him back before pulling away. "Same old; you know me."
"I do." He said chuckling. "I'm sure you're glad to be back though."
Nodding my head, I couldn't help but agree. I always missed this place when I was gone for most of the week. If only I could work here full time and go to school but I would be exhausted and Dave was the one who wouldn't allow it. He said I should be focusing on my education instead of jumping right into work which was fair enough in my opinion. I wish I could work more since it really did make me happy, and I do when it comes to summer since that's what I did last year. I may possibly do the same thing this summer, however, if I have a child that might counteract my mothering responsibilities.
"I am. It's the best part of my week." I said truthfully. "How is the crowd tonight?"
"Actually not bad. You have the usual people that come and see you and there are some new ones who have shown up too."
Nodding my head I made my way to the back room where I usually put my stuff down and freshened up before I performed. I have had my song picked out all week which does show how excited I get. I just love the way performing feels. It makes me feel calm. Content. The way it feels is indescribable, but if I was to describe it I would say that it is basically the feeling you get when you are in your favourite place in the world. Another way to describe it is when you are thinking of your happy place. Your body warms up, everything going on in your life or around you doesn't matter anymore and all you can feel is pure happiness. That is how I feel when I come here. I feel at ease, calm and everything just feels better which is how I need to feel throughout this pregnancy. I need that. If this baby is going to stay in there for the full 40 weeks I need to stay grounded and make sure I don't get too stressed. It was one of the reasons I kept coming back here every week. After a rough week at school it made everything better.
I looked at myself in the mirror smiling to myself. I don't know if this is going to sound silly to any of you, but I give myself a pep talk before going on stage just to make sure I don't back out or get nervous. I know that sounds weird with how much I love singing but it's not as though I'm alone out there. There are other people watching me. Judging me in a way. It would be crazy if I didn't get nervous beforehand.
"Okay, you can do this." I spoke to myself in the mirror whilst sorting my hair out a little bit too. "You love to sing, you love the people who watch you sing but, most of all, you need to remember that this is for you."
I took a deep breath before walking out onto stage. I saw a few familiar faces who turned their heads towards me when I walked in where as everyone else just kept to their own conversations. It didn't bother me though; I had to set up and everything first. I took a quick glance at the audience with a smile before sitting down at the stool where the piano was. I put the sheet music I was holding in front of me spreading it out for me to read as well as adjusting the microphone, so I would be able to be heard through all the noise of everyone talking amongst themselves.
I looked over the song I was going to sing making sure I was familiar with the lyrics as well as the chords on the piano. I had always had a love for acoustic music which is why I learnt the piano. I had to beg my parents, of course, but they agreed and now I am very good at it if I do say so myself. I nodded my head. I knew I was ready.
"Good evening, everyone." I began with a smile to the audience who seemed to have quietened down. "I hope you are having a good night tonight. If there is any place in Ohio that I would say sells good food then it would be this place. So basically all of you here today have made a very good decision." I added chuckling a little along with the audience. "So I've seen a few of you before so I will thank you all for coming back. I hope I don't disappoint. As for the rest of you who I haven't seen before, I hope you enjoy my performance. This song is called Neptune."
I looked over at the sheet music and before I knew it I had closed my eyes and began to sing.
Pitch black, pale blue
It was a stained glass
Variation of the truth
And I felt empty handed
You let me set sail
With cheap wood
So I patched up
Every leak that I could
'Til the blame grew too heavy
I looked at the audience and noticed how invested they were into my performance. I kept a list of songs in my notebook that I wrote whenever I had an idea for a song. I generally just wrote ideas down throughout the day, before I go to bed or when I wake up and when I have inspiration I turn it into a song. Well, that was what happened to most of my songs. Sam even helped me sometimes but it was mostly me. I liked to write my own stuff and perform it which was why I believe a lot of people come back because they want to hear more. It was very flattering actually even if it was only a couple of people. It still meant the world to me.
Stitch by stitch I tear apart
If brokenness is a form of art
I must be a poster child prodigy
Thread by thread I come apart
If brokenness is a work of art
Surely this must be my masterpiece
I'm only honest when it rains
If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth
I want to tell you but I don't know how
I'm only honest when it rains
An open book with a torn out page
And my ink's run out
I want to love you but I don't know how
I don't know how
No I don't know how
I don't know how.
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you...
That feeling I was telling you about? This was it. This was my happy place. I never felt as happy than when I was up here. I could just close my eyes and be here forever, but unfortunately life gets in the way of that. I try and connect with every member of the audience in some way when I perform so they know I know they are there and I appreciate it. Not all the time otherwise I would seem weird, but I do try to in different performances. It's just my way of showing my appreciation since I don't usually get appreciated much in my daily life. I like giving back I suppose, even if I don't receive it from anyone.
Pitch black, pale blue
These wild oceans
Shake what's left of me loose
Just to hear me cry mercy
A strong wind at my back
So I lift up the only sail that I have
This tired white flag
I'm only honest when it rains
If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth
I want to tell you but I don't know how
I'm only honest when it rains
An open book with a torn out page
And my ink's run out
I want to love you but I don't know how
I don't know how, know how, know how
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you
I finished the song and smiled when everyone clapped in appreciation. See? This is why I like performing too. I feel like I am good at something and it makes me feel good. People actually acknowledge me here and if I only get this once or twice a week then I'll take it. I saw Dave give me a smile whilst he clapped along with everyone else in the audience. I turned the sheets over to show the next song. I was so glad that everything I wrote everyone enjoyed and even if my parents or family would never hear it, I didn't care. This was for me. If this was the only thing that could keep me sane and happy then so be it. My parents were a nightmare with their views on things so, as you can imagine, they didn't know I worked here. I usually just told them I was going to Sam's house and they believed it. Well, either that or they were working so they didn't know. Tonight they were working so it didn't matter as much. If they ever found out they would most likely make me quit and I needed this job. Not just for the money, even though that was a bonus, I needed it to keep me from breaking down from the stuff that happens to me throughout the week. Also it was nice to know my songs are appreciated and actually decent.
"Thank you everyone. Now this next song is called Light. I hope you like it." I said before starting to play the piano looking over the sheet music in front of me. I always sang two songs unless there was a reason behind why I couldn't such as not having enough time or personal reasons. I looked at the audience once before starting to sing.
May these words be the first
To find your ears.
The world is brighter than the sun
Now that you're here.
Though your eyes will need some time to adjust
To the overwhelming light surrounding us,
I'll give you everything I have.
I'll teach you everything I know.
I promise I'll do better.
I will always hold you close,
But I will learn to let you go.
I promise I'll do better.
I will soften every edge,
I'll hold the world to its best,
And I'll do better.
With every heartbeat I have left
I will defend your every breath,
And I'll do better.
There was one person who came to mind when singing this song and that was Brittany. I know that you probably think that this crush I have on her seems odd, but what I will tell you is I know she is a decent person. She is, just most of the time she isn't. I've seen the good side of her and I really want to see that side of her again, even though I know I never will. Plus, I would never admit it to her of course, but this song is about her Yes, I have written a song for someone who could never love me back. When you love someone, no matter how much they hurt you, you still love them anyway. Every single day you just want what's best for them, whether that is you or someone else. The amount of times I've seen her flirting with other girls and being hurt by it is unbelievably high. She likes all those pretty girls and, well, I'm not like that. I'm a nerd and I'm not pretty like them. I never will be.
'Сause you are loved.
You are loved more than you know.
I hereby pledge all of my days
To prove it so.
Though your heart is far too young to realize
The unimaginable light you hold inside,
I'll give you everything I have.
I'll teach you everything I know.
I promise I'll do better.
I will always hold you close,
But I will learn to let you go.
I promise I'll do better.
I will rearrange the stars,
Pull 'em down to where you are.
I promise, I'll do better.
With every heartbeat I have left,
I'll defend your every breath.
I promise I'll do better.
I will soften every edge,
Hold the world to its best.
I promise I'll do better.
With every heartbeat I have left,
I'll defend your every breath,
(I'll do better.)
I ended the song and smiled when everyone began clapping once again. I looked around and to see everyone clapping with a smile on their face was enough to end the night on a good note. I saw Dave give me a thumbs up from the corner where he was standing giving me the signal that I did well. knew I did but it was always nice to have confirmation from elsewhere. I gathered the sheet music up and walked to the back room to get my stuff together. Looking at my phone, it was honestly quite shit I needed a new one, I saw Sam had sent me a text wishing me luck but that was it. I put it away before putting my jacket on walking out of the room towards the door. I didn't get very far before Dave stopped me.
"Santana! Amazing as always!"
I couldn't help but smile. "Thanks Dave. Same time tomorrow then?"
"I wouldn't want anyone else." Dave responded with a chuckle. "You're getting quite popular here, you know. A lot of people tonight said they would come back and watch you again."
"Well I'm glad to hear that but I do it all for me as selfish as that may sound. It makes me feel good. Having people who like my music is just a bonus." I state with a smile gripping the bag strap. "I have to go but thank you for the opportunity again."
With that said, I walk out of the restaurant getting my keys out walking to my car. Seeing as the restaurant is in Brighton, I have to drive for forty five minutes but it was worth it. The fact that I get that reaction from people I don't know makes me think I am actually good. Would the people I care about think I'm good though? I know what you're thinking and the answer is no. Sam has never heard me sing. Not once. It is a personal thing and I know that may sound weird since I have a job where I sing to other people but I don't know them. It makes singing in front of them easier, but I have no idea how I would be able to sing in front of people I actually care about. One example I can think of is Sam. He knows that I like to sing, but whenever he has asked me to I have told him no. I just can't get myself to do it. I'll happily play the guitar or piano in front of him, but I won't sing. My music is personal to me and I guess since he's my best friend I like having something he doesn't know about. He knows I write songs, yes, but he doesn't know I actually perform them.
With the time it took to drive back to Eastborne I needed to set off now, so I quickly text Sam before throwing my phone on the seat driving away from the restaurant that I had grown to love. Sighing, I decided to put the radio on to pass time. Plus with it being pitch black it helped calm me down. I hated driving in this kind of darkness because you have no idea who could be on the road without light around them. I pushed that out of my mind just enjoying the quiet drive home. Thankfully both my parents were on nightshifts tonight. It was hard having parents who worked all the time because you end up spending most of your time alone and it was not fun, like, in any way. Sam doesn't see why it's so bad being alone the majority of the time, but that's only because he has a brother and sister around the house constantly but, honestly, I wish I had a brother or sister around. It would definitely make the house nosier.
It didn't take long before I drove past the sign stating I was back in Eastborne. I drove past residents walking their dogs, hanging out with their friends as well as other cars on the road. When I made it to my street I noticed not one person was to be seen. It didn't surprise me though since no one ever came down here with it being the more expensive area of Eastborne. Obviously my parents could afford it but many people couldn't. With that being said I parked my car in the driveway, of course both my parents' cars were missing since they had taken them to work with them, which allowed me to park in the garage we had. Yes, we have a garage too.
I got out of the car locking it up before walking out of the garage locking it too before making my way to the front door when I see a person sat on my doorstep. For one why would anyone be sat on my doorstep past eleven at night and two who could it possibly be aside from Sam? I got closer to the door when the person looked up. Brittany. She seriously doesn't give up, does she?
"Do you need a dictionary to look up the word no?" I asked her in annoyance. "I appreciate that you want someone smart, but I'm not the only smart person in the school. Just find someone else."
Brittany stood up putting her hands in her pockets. "I can't find anyone else. You are the only one who can help me." She said pressing her lips together. She seemed different tonight. Less...aggressive might be the word I'm thinking of.
"Okay, you have my attention. Don't waste it." I stated turning to look at her. "Why am I the only one who can help you?"
"I spoke to Mr Davis. You know...the teacher we have."
I raised my eyebrow folding my arms. "Yes, I'm aware of the teacher we have. What did he say?"
"That's not important. I think you are the only one who could put things in a way I understand." Brittany stated biting her lip. "I'm a dancer, not a mathsmagician."
"You mean a mathematician?" I asked smiling a little.
She nodded her head blushing resting her hand on the back of her neck. "Right. Sorry I'm not that great with words. Look, I know that I treat you like shit on a daily basis, but just do me this solid. I'm not saying I'm going to be best pals with you in school, but I can lay off you a bit."
"Don't give in. Don't give in." I said to myself in my head but I knew no matter how much I said that to myself I was going to agree. She did come all this way to ask for help. How can I say no?
I sighed nodding my head. "Alright. Alright, I'll help you out. I can't do Friday or Saturday, but I'm free any other day."
I saw Brittany smile at me for the first time in..oh who am I kidding? I haven't seen her smile at me like that since we slept together and it felt...nice. I couldn't get my hopes up though and I wouldn't allow myself to. It wouldn't be fair.
"Thank you. I really appreciate it." She said genuinely before giving me a piece of paper. "Those are the days I'm free and my number is at the bottom, so just text me when you are available and I'll meet you in the library after school."
I nodded. "Alright, I'll message you. See you later."
"See you later, Lopez."
I walked into my house once I saw she had walked away leaning against the door closing my eyes. What have I gotten myself into?
Songs:
Neptune By Sleeping At Last
Light By Sleeping At Last
