22 days to your Birthday (Day 9)
Last night, I had a nightmare. The dream was so beautiful at first. You and I were married in Canada, and we were going to honeymoon in Vermont. We planned to go snowboarding. However, soon after we arrived in Vermont, Chris Hobbs came up behind me in the bed and breakfast's parking lot and bashed me again. Later, in the hospital, I was crying because you told me we had been married, but I couldn't remember the ceremony. Then, Hobbs came out of nowhere and said, "You forgot something, but not a wedding that never happened. You fucked yourself this time. Not me." I wish you'd been here to hold me. I couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried.
I'm still not sure I understand what the dream means. The reason I couldn't remember the wedding was because it didn't happen, and it didn't happen because of me or so dream Hobbs said. He claimed that I forgot something. What did I forget? Well…in real life, Vermont was a turning point for me. I thought you cared too much about work and too little about me. But you later risked everything for me. You put your career on the line to help fight for something I believed in, and, even after you were fired, you put yourself deep into debt to make sure we won. You did all that because I'd said that sometimes you have to sacrifice everything for something you believe in.
Dream Hobbs was right. I did fuck myself. I'm a fool! I was so pleasantly surprised that you gave up so much to help me keep Stockwell out of office. So surprised at your capacity for change. Why was I surprised this time? It'd all happened before. You even told me what you were doing this time, but I guess I didn't really believe you. You told me you were taking a chance on love. Could it be that the drastic changes in your behavior weren't drastic at all? You always told me that you never did anything you didn't want to do. Did you just use my reaction to the new Brian as an excuse to send me off to New York? Was that new Brian really you? I'm a fucking idiot. Of course it was. You never do anything halfway. Self-sacrificing Brian sacrificed everything. Why shouldn't the Brian who is no longer averse to love suddenly want to be monogamous and cuddle? You gave me everything I ever asked for…just in your own time. You went to my prom, you made me a higher priority than work, and you offered me a real commitment and a home. I no longer doubt that you would have one day wanted a family as well. I had everything, and I threw it all away. The question is, now what? How do I fix what I broke?
21 days to your Birthday (Day 10)
Today is a good day, no, a great day. A fabulous day. One of the agents with whom I have been emailing, George Cantor, is very interested in my work. He has a great reputation. Apparently, he's good friends with one of my former professors at PIFA, Professor Hadel. After my initial email, he called his friend. Mr. Cantor said that Professor Hadel gave him a glowing review of my work and voiced his hope that I'll return to school one day soon. Will wonders never cease? That professor never once complimented anything I painted while I was still in school. Mr. Cantor asked me to send him digital pictures of my most recent work, so I emailed him pictures of my four newest paintings and a couple I painted before I left the loft. I'm going to be on pins and needles until I hear back. I also decided how I'm going to make things right. I'm going to propose to you on your birthday. I'll show you that I can be a fat fucking success even if I live in Pittsburgh, and, then, I'll propose. It's the perfect plan.
20 days to your Birthday (Day 11)
I'm so excited about proposing and the likelihood that I'll have a new agent soon that, even though I still miss you crazy, I've been on cloud nine all day. I started a new painting inspired by your heroics during Stockwell's campaign and my dream a couple nights ago. It's going to represent hope and change. The wondrous transformations love can effect.
19 days to your Birthday (Day 12)
Would it be silly to give you an engagement ring? Cause I really want to. I want to get down on one knee (possibly in front of everyone we care about) and beg you to overlook my occasional stupidity and make me the happiest man in the world. I've been looking at rings online. I've seen some gorgeous, yet manly rose gold wedding bands that could serve as an engagement ring. Screw it! I'm just going to do it. Who cares how ridiculous I look? I, too, will put everything on the line for love. I can't get this damn smile off my face! Hunter brought more pictures today. He got some adorable father-son shots. After he left, I sketched for the rest of the day. Of course, I had to take frequent breaks. God, I miss your hand massages. But the sketches came out so great. It was worth all the pain and frustration.
18 days to your Birthday (Day 13)
I'm still working on my hope painting. It has to be just right. Mr. Cantor finally emailed me today. He wants to speak with me in person, so I'm going to fly to New York tomorrow. I wish he'd given me a clue what to expect. I may end up needing to stay for a day or two. I was afraid that I'd seem ignorant if I asked, so I didn't. Well, I guess I just need to be ready for anything. I'll pack a suitcase with a variety of clothes and book a room just in case.
17 days to your Birthday (Day 14)
I met with Mr. Cantor this morning. He wants to represent me. I guess I should start calling him George now that he's my agent. Anyhow, George was quite impressed with my work, or so he claimed. He believes that with my talent and his contacts, my career will take off in no time. I made sure he knew that I plan to live and work in Pittsburgh, but that I was willing to travel when necessary, for short periods of time. That didn't seem to trouble him in the slightest. In fact, he wants me to meet the owner of a small gallery tomorrow. Apparently, based on the pictures I sent George, she's interested in using some of my work for a three-artist show this fall. I wanted so much to share the good news with you, but I think it would be better to wait. It will have more impact if I tell you the same day I tell you that I've been in Pittsburgh this whole month, excepting the two-day trip. You need to know that I can be successful without living in New York.
16 days to your Birthday (Day 15)
I'm finally back in the Pitts. My meeting with the gallery owner couldn't have gone better. She definitely wants to use my four newest paintings. She told me to spend the summer painting and, then, come for a visit (bringing digital photos of whatever I've painted over the summer as well as of any other paintings I have that I've never shown) to discuss which other paintings to use. She wants me to have at least ten in the show.
15 days to your Birthday (Day 16)
I've been so productive today. Must be my excitement about the fall show (that and the fact that another week has passed—only two more until we're happily reunited—back together for good. I'm knocking on wood; don't want to jinx it). I finished my hope painting, and I made some basic sketches for a couple others. After I finished working, I took a long shower and jerked off while imagining our reunion sex. I don't think I've ever had a better orgasm on my own before (excluding phone sex, of course—at such times, you may not be touching me, but you certainly participate).
