Summary: That needed heart-to-heart after everything.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Why aren't they mine? Why?

A/N: Set after the karaoke get-together in episode 26. Other notes at the end of story.


What felt like a million horridly wailed sing-along songs later, and Natsuki was finally allowed to walk away from the torture, more or less unscathed, together with the rest of the gang:

Noisily spilling out of the Student Council room which had served as impromptu karaokebar for the evening, laughing, pushing the loud and carefree like only adolescents could. Aoi and Chie with their arms thrown around each other's waist, cheerful excited conversation echoing against the walls, hint of teen sweat on the air, and -

The moment had this indisputable feeling of profound *surrealness* to it.

Like... they had all been picked up and dropped down into a warped time zone by a Gulliver-sized hand. Or, all international clocks had been rewound, hands spinning with cartoonish top-speed, and their faces might start to stretch and morph into dead masks, animal visages, at any given second, accompanying psychedelic colours blazing in the corner of the mind's eye -

Yeah. Whatever made for hallucinations suffered during a severely bad acid trip.

At least she thought so. It was... strange. Definitely.

Because, lo and behold, there Tate had been, sitting on the floor at the foot of the table, next to Reito, and she'd *seen* the guy disintegrate into small green sparkles not that many days ago. Had even been there to hold a desperate Mai crying her eyes out after it happened. And here he was now, to all appearances well, healthy, desperately trying to pry a clingy, whining Shiho off his arm.

She was simply trying to adjust to the weirdness of it all. Nothing else.

Didn't the others feel the same way? Him, and Kazuya-kun, and...

Herself, and.

... Shizuru.

Natsuki supposed she had been lucky; they'd let her off the hook after two forced performances, after all. Which was, admittedly, good, but it hadn't necessarily meant the worst part was over anytime soon. No, no, *knew* that much, intuition never failing, even when she wished it would.

She sincerely doubted there was anything in the world which would ever erase the memory of Kanzaki-san and Kazuya-kun getting to their feet with their... 'avant-garde' rendition of "Y.M.C.A.", which they had all followingly been treated to.

Slightly disturbing experience on several highly conscious levels. The side effects were probably due to make their apperances in a day or two.

Her thoughts, slow and unfocused, give way to a growing awareness of... mild tactile sensation. Without light, the hallway outside the room is pointedly cool:

Like a tangible slither and drape of it around the body, intent on staying in the clothes if that meant it could trail outside to the bigger, the better, the real night. Merge with it. Mother of all souls, and the smell of freshly applied paint invading the nose out here just underlines the *changes* in the fundament having taken place, in the very building, no matter how successfully covered up or not they happened to be.

Reparations here and there, veiled by the shadows; despite the lack of illumination, you could still tell they'd been carried out with a constitutionalised bored professionalism.

So, at least Suzushiro Construction was good for that - absolutely no sloppy bad job to tarnish the family name.

But, all of it looking deceivingly close to the old, though, and yet, and yet - it *wasn't*. Far from it.

/Exactly the same way it's with us now,/ Natsuki mused, frowning as she firmly crossed her arms.

All of them standing in this equally new/old unlit hallway now, and that was something to be together about as well. *A* togetherness in the dark. Why not? Anything to seize and make it work, was only human. 'Carpe' this to fit the need.

The Academy, perfectly quiet as a grave, with only twelve people standing in it...

Quite different when there wasn't students busily walking the halls; brimming with the inactivity in the rebuilt school, the sounds that ought to be, came along with the place. Making an entity out of itself with the sheer absence, and she feels her skin react to it vaguely before her attention is drawn to the screen of Chie's mobile, flipped open for the umpteenth time, blurred pale blue flashing, ghost-like blitz in the dimness -

And then the switch's found near the doorframe by whoever's standing nearest, flicked, two seconds - and they're flooded in fluorescent light from above, blinking in unison at the sudden brightness. The floor beneath her sneakers, reflecting it for a quick beat, the untouched sharp shine still to it.

A gentle brush against the back of her hand brings the now of her heartbeat rushing back, and it's Mai's beaming face she looks up at. Cheeks flushed with delight and unbounded joy. Mikoto firmly latched onto her right arm, trying to mimick the smile from a lower height.

"You coming with us? Mikoto and I are heading home now."

In the voice, too. And Natsuki isn't going to tell her anytime soon, but she *is* distantly impressed that the girl isn't showing signs of having a hoarse voice after loudly, constantly straining those vocal chords of hers for the last hour and a half!

Heading... Oh. Right. Her new 'abode'.

If the biker had to say anything herself, she was subduedly proud of how quickly she had resigned herself to the fact that she was going to have to live together with Mai and Mikoto for who knew how long to come:

The question of when the smashed apartment would be back to reasonably habitable again was pretty much officially thrown up somewhere in the clear blue cloudless sky. Anywhere between two months and more seemed likely, and a whole lot not to done about the situation as it was. Only time to heal, only space to...

Adapt? And, yeah, again, wasn't that the answer to a whole lot of questions right there?

Staying at Tokiha's place for the nearest future wasn't the worst scenario she could imagine. Or at least she hoped it wasn't. There had to be some free meals to be got now and then from that sort of arrangement, right?

Answer is a tiny shrug, hand smoothing a strand of marine hair behind a small ear.

"No, you two go... I think... I'll stay a little while." Unfortunately, it's too late to cover when she throws a glance over at where the chestnut-haired teenager is standing, talking lowly with Kanzaki, and the following thought in her head is strangely, unhelpfully instant: /if it hadn't been for a specific sexual preference in that certain mix, those two could have really have made a pretty couple. Maybe even have spawned some pretty kids, too./

Which... okay, isn't 'Happy Mental Picture' at all, because. Because she had never had to share Shizuru with anyone, had she? Always there for her, laptop and anything else in the world she had needed provided, and had she ever appriciated that? *Really* considered what it exactly meant as a hinted gesture? Unlimited supply of help presented toward her to just take and take from...

And, looking at that, looking at herself - what kind of friend had *she* been in answer, throughout all the time they'd known each other?

/I've been an idiot, haven't I?/

The heaviness of the fact sinks through her breast like a piece of swallowed lead, and, of course, the busty female catches on in the meantime. The corners of her mouth jerking upwards in a private smile, totally inviting to a scowl, if it wasn't because Natsuki just noticed her facial slip, was focused on quickly finding her cool again, trying to look unaffected. Fix the stance, indifferent expression in place, and turning her head to the side like *it* was nothing.

"Okay. Just try to be quiet when you come in. I won't lock." The carroty girl leaning in, playfully winking, and the soft squeeze delivered to Natsuki's hand before turning around - such a moronically easy thing to deliver. To do.

It still left her unsure what to feel about it. All this offered openness without reservations like this, and... it only made her question herself followingly about it, about what kind of person *she* was to even question it. Whoever said her own brain was easy to figure out? Especially now where there was only a steady realisation of the amount of feelings, thoughts, altered perspectives she would had to deal with.

Have an opinion on. Make her goddamn *mind* up about.

*Damn it.*

Because.

Because Shizuru had only held her for the duration of that first song: cage of arms cradling her shoulders, slow soft breath above one ear, and the younger female's body a tense wire underneath both, partly because she couldn't help the instinctive reaction, and partly because the thought of /What now?/ kept beating through her head along with the played rhythm filling the room.

Completely obvious. The crimson-eyed girl must have sensed her unease quickly - seeing as she smoothly drew away from behind her afterwards, even opted for a seat on the opposite couch once there was one free, and, Christ, *again*, since Natsuki couldn't help it, she found herself keeping a sidelong eye on the female, just to make sure that...

What? The former kaichou wasn't staring fixedly at her with unconcealed lust?

Return of 'Idiot Natsuki' in that aspect. Somewhat. Fifty percent stupidity and paranoia each, and she *was* able to see it herself, if nothing else.

Shizuru... who didn't looked back at her. At all. Attention directed up at whoever went to claim the spotlight, gently smiling the whole time, politely clapping every time a song ended. Who ignored a Nao sending her utterly disgusted, unsubtle glares - pointed, perfected hurtful things - and a nervous Yukino, looking like the cowering hare after a hunt is over, everytime her eyes dared to rest on the Kyoto woman.

And Natsuki had wanted to tell them that she understood both of them, and that she wanted to fume and sneer at them, block Shizuru from their sight at the same time too, simply because...

This wasn't how things ought to be anymore. Definitely not if she could change them.

And wasn't that partly the reason why she was able to watch Mai and Mikoto walk off together with eleven other backs, (everyone expect Nao, who hadn't bothered to wait long for the lights to come on before she'd sauntered off) with only a spreading calmness, feeling of safe inside... that felt absolutely wonderful, and nothing else?

Like it should be.

And when she sensed Shizuru stepping to her side a few minutes later, looking at her, an open searching look, all Natsuki could do then was give a hint of a smile.

Start to walk too - didn't need words for this, to let her know to follow.

Outside, and the night sky is impressively star-scattered, much more than usually during this month. The moon is out, laying the darkness bare and thin underneath a curtain of moonshine, the blackness... an ebony beetle on its back, legs frantically kicking in vain to help it turn around.

Natsuki can smell grass and flowers and something that isn't leaves starting to bud as they slowly walk down the way she's chosen, shoulders close enough to brush. After what seems like years, but is in fact only four minutes, she speaks again. Clears her throat, and clenches her hands into fists when she finds no jeans pockets to shove them down into.

"I didn't know you could sing."

Which, not surprisingly, it had turned out the other female could. Obviously some nifty attachment that went with the accent.

She doesn't need to look at Shizuru's face to know her eyes squint, just fractionally, in... happiness? Relief, maybe, since it meant it was okay to talk, and it doesn't take long before a soft answer is uttered. "Neither was I aware that Natsuki owns such an angelic voice."

Snort at that, and a solid smile this time, because, yes, joking was good. Joking was more than welcome in order to break the ice.

They walk on until Natsuki decides to step to the broadest tree she spots, leans against it with her back, and waits until the chestnut-haired girl copies the position next to her. The bark, felt somewhat through clothes, isn't nearly rough enough to distract from the conversation they are about to have.

The biker frowns, states. "We died."

"Yes."

Looking up, and the flimsy grey clouds above are drifting, leisurely crawling over the sky and across the full moon now and again.

"...*Was* there anything? Uhm. I mean... after."

Typical. Give her one situation where she really wished to be eloquent...

Hears Shizuru move a little, probably to tilt her head back against the trunk, voice low and still thrillingly soft despite everything it should bear now. "The only thing I remember... is your warmth. Your arms around me. Your heartbeat beneath my ear. I accepted death with everything I was right then."

/That makes me your Heaven? Hell? Or... probably both./

Nothing, it meant. And if this didn't throw a couple of worldwide renowned religions into perspective...

The younger ex-HiME smoothes her hair back, tries to make the information fit, slide and settle, inside her mind.

"It's... just strange being back. It feels *awkward*, somehow. Like having already used your one chance, and then... I don't know -"

Long sigh whistled through teeth, one foot starting to toe the ground in front of it. Flattening the grass experimentally, digging the earth up where possible. Watches it thoughtfully, before stopping the act altogether.

"- like having another shoved at you, I guess. Just like that. And you need to figure it all out on your own," she haltingly finished after a moment of consideration.

Silence, after. When it seems like it's about to fully stretch, wrap greedily around the honesty and turn it into something else, the older teenager chooses to ask, a velvet noise offered up to the night.

"Are you afraid of me?" So cautiously muttered, and too close, although she hasn't even attempted to place herself within Natsuki's needed /distance/ space.

Abated breath, quick, more a gasp, and. A sudden wish that she smoked, so she could have a cigarette or the pack itself to fumble with, keep her hand busy on, turn and swirl and crumple between eager restless fingers...

God. This... she should answer with 'More Grown-up Natsuki' for this. *Needed* to, to do it... right. It still causes the small portion of blood to immediately rush to her cheeks as she answers (hopes the shadows hide it), as she tries keeping her low voice even.

"You love me so much, Shizuru. Almost as if I can feel it like this... *pressure* at me. Something that wants to get closer to me than my own skin..."

And she falls silent. And she listens to the sounds of their surroundings, whispering through the branches. And she waits for the response, which comes out just as quiet, just as short as she expected it would:

"I see."

More or less dramatically, the moon is blocked by a group of passing clouds then, stealing all the light to see by. For two seconds the world is lost in front of her before it returns. The tree seems to be a mile away somewhere behind her, despite her being perfectly capable of feeling the tangible contact between it and her leaning spine.

The fresh air is sweet in the sheer intake of it.

"But... it was there all along, wasn't it? So... I understand." And why does those words end up sounding as an excuse all of a sudden? Oh, because. This, all her fault, and she wants to be walking, and she wants to be stronger, to be able to steel herself more properly, for *all* of it, and that controlled Kyoto-ben is like a quiet, familiar consolation in the darkness when it sounds again.

"I - can I touch you, Natsuki?"

The question, expectedly, makes her stiffen. Makes her go rigid for a good frozen moment, as she stares hard down at her own pale hand clenched near her thigh, before allowing her shoulders to slump.

Swallows and blinks, once.

And nods. Turns her head to face Shizuru with closed eyes. Waits and waits, until the air is like a thick blanket over her and the expectation is an unbearable sharp tingle in every single nerve ending, almost too much, when the smooth, slender hand finally comes up to touch her cheek, cup it - feels fingertips trace and caress. Wills herself to hold still, to let this be.

Let this happen.

Can't help it. She wants to be nearer it. Seek it.

Leans forward to chase it, and their foreheads meet, and they're breathing in sync, and they are. so. *near* each other. Forms of their faces touching, gently sliding against each other's, the sides of their noses, making a failed attempt at symmetry.

It's almost like... kissing, in a way. Just without lips, just with. Minds instead, or something. Gut feelings, instincts. Heart thumps loud in her ears and skin warmth, Shizuru's softness, craved, and frightening her completely senseless at the same time.

Feels the tears from Shizuru's lashes fall and drip down her own cheeks, leaving wet salty trails on her.

"It's... please. Just this, for now. Okay?" Thin flesh of Natsuki's lids trembling, breath exhaled through quivering nostrils.

"Ookini, Natsuki. Ookini."

And truly, the crimson-eyed girl sounds - so grateful. Moved, simply by this.

New life, and a new chance, and trying to do everything better, more right this time around. It's all in the younger female's head, ache inside her skull, the prospect of it all making her so very dizzy. What's still to come and how to deal with it, and she doesn't realise that she has said some of the thoughts out loud, but it doesn't matter doesn't matter, even if she has -

"So many things to think of. Take responsibility for. Fuck. I just... I'll do my best. I promise. Whatever... whatever it is, I'll *be* there. Just... give me more time..."

A hand reaches up, to touch her right cheek again, and she feels the other head nodding against hers, the gentle rubbing of it, again and again. Finger that accidentially brushes her lobe, and it's a wonder she manages to suppress the shudder that wants to run through her body.

"Anything for you."

/Please./

"*Shizuru*."

Natsuki's hands grab at her older friend's shoulders, pulls her towards her. And she buries her face into the space between neck and shoulder, inhales the scent of silken hair like a drowning person would oxygen.

Holds her more firmly to her than when they were kneeling in the church.

Presses herself hard against the body she has her arms wrapped around to, hopefully, make it just a tiny bit easier to take.

For both of them.

end.


End Notes: Evil Omake Idea! Why can't I shake the image of Shizuru singing a barely understandable version of "I'm Coming Out" by Diana Ross during the karaoke? *g*