Chapter 2: Confessions of a literal walking pun
"Valkyrie, we need to talk"
Skulduggery sat sternly, leaning forward across from her on the sofa. Wreath stood close by.
"Uh, oh" Valkyrie replied. "This can't be good."
The skeleton detective sighed and twiddled his thumbs. "Listen, Val. We've been partners for a good while now, and it's safe to say, you're one of my closest and dearest friends. You mean a lot to me. I mean it."
"How many?"
"What?"
"How many casualties?"
Skulduggery straightened in his seat. "Excuse me- what?"
"Oh my god, did you kill Fletcher?!"
"Valkyrie! I didn't kill anyone!"
"Then why'd you call me over?! Why's Wreath here? You obviously killed SOMEONE"
"Because- because we're a couple!"
The young edgeling slid back into the armchair, dumbfounded and in utter shock. "Oh,"
"Yeah." Skulduggery removed his hat. Wreath joined Skulduggery on the sofa and gave him a look like"I'm glad that's over with because there's no fucking way I was doing that".
Valkyrie couldn't believe what she was hearing. Solomon Wreath?AndSkulduggery Pleasant?An item!?She knew that they tried to tolerate each other whenever she was around, but to go full homo? It sounded ridiculous. Her mind was imploding so hard that she kicked herself just to check if judgement day hadn't befallen humanity. Nope, this was real. This was happening. Bollocks.
"But you hate each other!"
"Yup, sorta"
"But you HATE each other! You despise each other! Skulduggery, every time you see him you try to kill him!"
She just sat there with her jaw wide open. Flabbergasted, she tried to say "How long?", but no words escaped her mouth.
Like the sassy mother goose he was, Skulduggery knew what she had meant.
"About 3-4 weeks" he started. "We were holding off on telling you. We didn't know how you'd react."
Valkyrie splayed her hand on her chest, obviously offended. "Yeah- not gonna lie it's quite a shock. But you know I love you for you, you beautiful, sarcastic abomination." She didn't know for sure, but she could tell Skulduggery was beaming at her. Then she turned to Wreath.
"You too, asshole"
Wreath rolled his eyes and scoffed, and then put his hand on Skulduggery's lap. For a few seconds, warm smiles silenced the room.
"Have you told anyone else?" asked Valkyrie.
"Not a soul."
"Oh my god, what is Tanith going to say when I tell her?!"
Skulduggery didn't give her time to come up with an answer. "We will tell Tanith and the others in due time. But only when we're ready."
Wreath nodded. "So we need you to keep this to yourself, for the time being."
"Awwww..." Valkyrie groaned. She hated keeping secrets from her friends.
"Fine. But only on one condition."
Wreath and Skulduggery looked at each other in unison before turning back to her. "What is it?"
She grinned. "On the condition that I get to be your best man at the wedding."
_
After what seemed like hours of Valkyrie planning seemingly everything for Wreath and Skulduggery's inevitable wedding day, she finally left. The couple waved her goodbye and then collapsed on the sofa.
"Now THAT was an ordeal" sighed Wreath.
"Tell me about it" he laughed. "She defiantly has a screw loose, but she's a good egg."
"Hey, Skulduggery- it's been a while. Do you wanna fuck?"
"Spook spook" cried Skulduggery as he curled up into a ball like sanic and flew into Wreath's asshole.
