A Matter of the Heart
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to Stephanie Meyer.
A/N-thank you for the kind reviews, Nikki :)
Part One-Mixed Emotions
Jacob held Bella for a long time. He hid his face in her hair, breathing in her sweet scent. He couldn't believe she had come to him. She had left her own wedding just so she could be here to comfort him. A small ray of hope entered his deadened heart; he felt it begin to beat painfully in his chest as he grasped onto that feeling and held it inside. It had been hard to be around so many people after running as a wolf for so long. During his long absence he had felt as if his very humanity was slipping away from him. The loss of Bella's love had nearly consumed him. He had tried numbing the pain by giving into his feral side. But in the end even this hadn't been enough to drown out his misery. Even as he persuaded himself not to count down the days to her wedding, his internal calendar had been keeping score. Even without him being fully aware of his own actions, he had headed for home just in time for her big day. Jacob had been glad he had done so. If he hadn't…his dad…He had to stop that train of thought. The guilt was already threatening to overwhelm him. He held onto Bella tighter, his fingers digging into her back. She was the only solid thing in his world and he needed her to shield him from the pain.
"Jake, air." Bella's words pulled him out of his reverie. He came back into the moment realising he was gripping onto her so tight he had cut off her airways. He released her at once. Bella gasped as air filled her lungs.
"I'm sorry. I didn't….I…" Jacob fumbled to find the right words. He was appalled at what he had so nearly done. He had hurt her. He collapsed into the chair behind him and put his head in his hands.
It took a moment for Bella to regain her senses. As soon as she felt able to breathe properly she quickly sat next to him and put a hand on his knee. His leg was bouncing up and down agitatedly. She guessed he was finding being around so many people exhausting after having been alone in the wilderness for so long. "Do you want to take a walk?" She suggested tentatively. "We won't go far. I could do with some fresh air."
Jacob raised his head and nodded. He felt her take his hand and squeeze his fingers gently. He had missed this, missed her touch, missed the closeness and the easy way she understood his needs without him having to say anything. They were so in synch, he wondered how she couldn't see it. He heard her whispering to Charlie that they were going outside for a few minutes. The older man agreed it was a good idea and he would seek them out if there was news about Billy's condition. Bella tugged on his hand and led the way out of the hospital. They passed the pack, who just looked at them silently, their eyes zeroing in on their joined hands.
Bella was right as soon as they walked through the double doors and stepped out, the fresh air hit them. It soothed Jacob's nerves and he felt the stiffness around his shoulders ease a little. They strolled toward a free bench and sat down, side by side. Bella placed a hand on his shoulder as she peered into his eyes worriedly. "I have been so worried about you." She whispered as Jacob looked back at her. "I've had nightmares wondering where you were. Poor Seth had to put up with my constant badgering for updates." She smiled weakly and shifted a little closer as she sought some of his warmth. It was chilly outside.
"I shouldn't have run." Jacob's voice was a little rusty from disuse. He cleared his throat a couple of times as he tried to ease the dryness. "I was stupid. My dad…this is all my fault." Tears pooled in his eyes and he blinked to stop them from falling.
"No it's not." Bella said firmly. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. You wouldn't have run if it wasn't for me." Her face was full of regret. She absently rubbed the skin on his shoulder. Little electric sparks shot between them at her touch, startling them both. Bella took her hand away and put it in her lap. Jacob missed her touch and he immediately put his hand over hers. She glanced up at him again as a lone tear rolled down her cheek. "Where did you go?"
"Canada, all different places." Jacob laced his fingers with hers. He needed to feel her. Needed to feel she was real and not some sort of sick illusion. "I roamed about aimlessly. I just wanted to bury the pain so I wouldn't have to feel."
Another tear rolled down Bella's cheek as she listened. Guilt swamped her as she heard the underlying pain in his voice that he was having trouble concealing. She had done this to him. It was all down to her indecision and the fact that her heart was torn for this noble human boy that she loved and the impossible love she felt for a vampire. How had it all come to this? After everything she was still hurting all those she loved. Her mind drifted to Edward. It shocked her that she hadn't given a thought to how he was faring. She had left him alone without an explanation to deal with the aftermath of the aborted wedding.
"Bella." Jacob was touching her cheek, stroking her skin with gentle fingers. "Where did you go?"
Bella didn't want to confess she had been thinking of Edward. She caught his hand and pulled it away from her face. "I just want to say how sorry I am for hurting you, Jake. I know mere words cannot begin to…"
"I love you." Jacob's heartfelt words stopped Bella in her tracks. She stared at him, her brown eyes full of pain as she saw the proof reflected in his. "Do you still love me?" He pressed. He took her hand again, his thumb stroking her palm. His touch was proving very distracting.
Bella swallowed thickly as she thought about the best way to answer such a loaded question. But thankfully they were interrupted by Charlie who had come out to find them. "Hey, you two." He greeted them. Bella noticed her dad looked a little more hopeful. It had to be good news. "Billy is out of intensive care. He is stable and they hope he'll be awake soon. It seems that he succumbed to a diabetic coma. He is severely dehydrated, but they've put him on drip which should help. You can come and see him now, Jake." He put a hand on Jacob's shoulder.
Jacob was up instantly. He still had hold of Bella's hand which meant he pulled her up with him. His happiness at the news was evident all over his face. He swung around and hugged Bella tightly. "He's gonna be okay."
Bella smiled and returned his hug fiercely. "That's great." She was the first to pull away. "Come on let's get you back inside."
"You are coming?" Jacob checked, frowning.
"Of course." Bella saw Charlie studying her speculatively and she felt a sinking feeling lodge in her stomach. She knew what he was thinking. He was worried that now Billy was alright she was going to dash back to Edward and hurt Jacob all over again. Bella knew she had to see Edward and explain, but she wasn't planning on leaving Jacob just yet. She sensed how fragile he was still feeling. She shot her dad an irritated glance as she followed Jacob back into the hospital.
"His colours good, don't you think, Bells?" Jacob asked her as he hovered over Billy's bed. His eyes were trained on his father's sleeping form, worry lines creasing his forehead.
"Yes, he looks good, Jake." Bella squeezed his hand. He hadn't let go of her since they had come into Billy's room. "He'll be alright. You have to stop worrying." She rubbed his arm with her free hand. Once again the undercurrent of sparks vibrated between them making them both turn to look at each other. Bella coughed uncomfortably as she was the first to break the intense stare. "Perhaps we should sit down." She suggested.
"There's only one chair." Jacob pointed out.
"You sit. I'll stand."
"Nah, we both sit." Jacob gave her a small smile. The first one since she had seen him. It lit up his whole face. She let out a startled cry when Jacob grabbed her around the waist and pulled her onto his lap. "There you go. We're both sitting." He teased.
Bella felt awkward sitting on his lap. It was too intimate and gave the wrong impression. She squirmed a little as his inviting heat swarmed around her. But Jacob held her tightly preventing her from getting up. The door to Billy's room opened and Charlie walked in followed by Sue Clearwater. Bella saw her father frown as he looked at her sitting on Jacob's lap. She felt his disapproval and quickly wriggled free. "I brought you both a coffee." Charlie passed her the Styrofoam cup.
"Thanks." Bella mumbled, her face turning red. She saw Sue hand Jacob a similar cup. He didn't seem bothered in the slightest.
Jacob looked toward his dad again. "When will he come around?" He asked Sue.
"It should be soon." Sue assured him as she exchanged a dubious glance with Charlie. Bella noticed and her blush deepened.
"I might just step outside." She was dying to escape the knowing looks that her father and Sue were sharing. They had misunderstood the situation completely, although her damn blushing wasn't helping matters. She was making herself look guilty. She saw Jacob turn, his face full of consternation at her mention of going outside.
"Stay." He begged her.
Bella felt her cell begin to vibrate in her pocket. She had put it on silent so it wouldn't alarm anyone when it rang. She guessed it was Edward. He must be really worried about her by now. She wanted to answer it but couldn't bear to see the anxiety in Jacob's eyes. She slipped her hand in her pocket and ended the call. "I'll stay." She promised. She was rewarded as the anxiety left his face and he smiled. He held out his hand to her. As she went to take it she saw Sue and her father exchange another worried glance.
A/N-thanks for reading!
