Tris
Today my fear was the crows again.
It is usually an easy fear to face but today I just broke down.
What is it about Four that can do this to me? I want to run away and scream or cry or stare at the wall feeling sorry for myself.
But that is not an option. Four looks at me, concerned.
"Tris, I'm taking you back to the dorms, okay?"
I am too numb inside to do anything but nod.
Why am I so hung up on him?
Why did I want to cry or punch Shauna when I saw Four kiss her last night?
Why do I feel so alone?
He takes my hand- in spite of myself I feel a warmth inside my chest when he touches me that banishes the cold inside momentarily- and pulls me out the back door.
When he releases my hand and the moment ends I have to remind myself that he is not mine and maybe never will be. He doesn't take me to the dorms though.
Instead we first go through a confusing maze of tunnels to the Pit to find Eric and tell him that he is doing the rest of the simulations.
Eric looks at us oddly but doesn't say a word. He thinks that there is something going on between us, and I wish it were then he takes me to the train tracks.
"Where are we going?" I ask him. "You'll see." The train comes, and we jump. He helps me inside and shuts the car door.
"So what do you want to talk to me about?" I say.
"I want you to tell me the reason you're depressed, and do not say it's the simulations because I won't believe you."
I don't know where to start. What should I say? "I...I..."
And then I burst into tears. He hesitates for a moment, and then steps forward and wraps me in his arms.
Am I imagining it? Or is he holding back tears too?
But no, I did not imagine it and now we are both crying, holding each other as the train slows down near the city's center. A part of me is wondering what is going on here, but the other half of me is happy to lose myself. And that half wins.
Four
Tris or Shauna? Shauna or Tris?
This is the question that consumes me for hours after what I have nicknamed The Train Incident.
I lie in bed staring at the wall for hours, unable to summon the willpower to move. Finally I can't stand it any more and I go to the Pit floor.
But there is someone else standing at the railing. It's Tris. I do not feel like talking so I skirt around the Pit and carefully climb down to a flat rock at the bottom.
I sit there for a while, thinking and feeling the water rain down droplets on my face. Shauna has been my girlfriend since initation, but Tris has captured my heart.
" It doesn't matter how long you've been with Shauna if you don't love her," I say to myself. Then I go back to bed.
