All I ever wanted was to be close to her. And what does she go and do? FUCKING OVERDOSE! I pressed my hands against my ears, as I walked in the warm California air. No, she just wasn't ready to talk about it. Yes, she was, I gave her plenty of chances to tell me something was wrong and she never did. I can't blame her for it. Yes, I can. I screamed in the parking lot and fell to my knees. I didn't know how to feel anymore. I could feel the tears running down my face. I cared so much about her and I almost lost her. How could I be such an asshole to her right now? It wasn't what she needed; she needed someone to be there for her. Not to judge her, or push her to say anything. If I don't ask questions, how do I help her? How do I help a girl who won't let herself be helped? I ran my hands through my hair. She needs someone to be there for her no matter what. I was that person, but then I just ran off and left her after yelling about how she should have told me what was going on.
I stood up and ran back to the hospital. I pulled the doors open and jogged down the hall to the emergency room she was in. I knocked on the door, all that I could hear was silence. I opened the door and looked at the girl on the bed in front of me. She stared out the window.
"why did you come back?" I could see her eyes dart towards my reflection in the window then back to her own.
"because I was being an asshole"
"at least you know it." She had traded her normal voice to sound monotoned, rather than how it normally sounded. It sounded how she forced it to sound at school when she would try to hide herself from everyone. She hasn't used that voice with me since our junior year.
"Nepeta, I'm sorry. I was just mad because I wanted you to be honest with me and I felt like you didn't trust me enough to tell me anything that I felt was my right to know, and it isn't. it's your right to tell me if you feel like you trust me enough to tell me. I shouldn't have yelled at you"
"damned right you shouldn't have" I sighed. Tears were still coming down my face and I walked to the side table by her bed to grab a tissue. I wiped away my tears and threw the tissue in the wastebin.
"look I want to fix this, I shouldn't have been so pushy, you don't need someone to force you to trust them, you need someone to be there whenever you need it. And that's what I want to do. I want to be there whenever you need it, not push you into telling me what's bothering you"
"how am I even supposed to trust you now?" her voice was breaking. I looked at her reflection in the window. Tears ran down her face. I held the box of tissues out to her. She took one.
"I don't expect you to. I don't know why I did in the first place. I should have never expected anything from you"
"what if I never trust you?"
"that's your choice, and I will respect that. Even if I die without you trusting me" she laughed.
"well, I hope it happens before that"
"me too" I stood by her awkwardly. I didn't know what to do. I didn't look at her; I didn't want to see her crying.
"Nepeta?!" I turned towards the door to see her mother standing there. Her cheeks were still flushed from crying and her hair was frizzed where she must have been messing with it while she waited. Her chest heaved possibly from running, she looked exhausted. She looked as if she had run across the country just to see her daughter and then find out she almost died.
"mom, are you okay?" she laughed. Not a happy laugh, you could tell it was forced.
"as okay as I can be knowing that you almost overdosed again" again? This has happened before? Why was she being so secretive about everything going on? Did she know she was hurting the people around her? "I thought we were past all of this. I thought you were doing better"
"I am, I swear" her voice was higher. Was she like a voice actress or something? Because she already sounded happier, though I knew she wasn't.
"Nep, I know you aren't okay. It's okay to not be happy all the time, but you can't keep doing this. I don't know what will happen if one day someone doesn't find you in time. I can't lose you too" too? This has happened more than once? Who else committed suicide in their family?
"you act like I didn't lose anyone. You act like you're the only one who lost someone important"
"wait..." I shouldn't have interjected. I should have stayed quiet or left. "who did you lose?"
They sighed. At the same time. It freaked me out a little.
"I lost my best friend" I was looking at her now. The face she had just a few minutes ago that hid all emotion was ripped off. All you could see on her was sadness. Her hair was tangled and frizzed in the back where her head was on the pillow. I hadn't noticed until just now.
"and I lost mine as well. It was a car accident. Both them and the people in the other vehicle died instantly" her mom looked more exhausted now than when she walked in, like everything was going to shit and she just wanted to sleep it all off. I couldn't blame her. "they were the strongest people I knew. They could hold us up emotionally, but even at their weakest they were still able to help us through everything we needed help with"
Both were crying, and I felt like I should hug them. I felt like I needed to do something, anything, to help. I didn't want them to feel like I was trying to replace what they lost because I would never do that. I opted for patting their backs, they smiled and we carried on decent conversations until Nepeta was released.
Going back to my house wasn't a long walk, in fact, it was extremely short. Nepeta liked about 10 minutes away from my house by walking, so I barely got through 3 songs on my iPod before I got to my front yard where someone was waiting for me. Whoever it was, they were female in shape, with long hair down to their mid-lower back. Their bangs hid half of their face and they wore glasses.
"hey, nerd" I stopped. Of course, why did I think she of all people would leave me alone so easily?
"what do you want?"
"one: rude. Two: I'm here for my headphones"
"after almost a year, you come to bother me for your headphones?"
"eight months. You know me, I have 'a fucking weird-ass obsession with eights'"
"I know you do, but why not wait eight weeks?"
"because then you wouldn't be over me"
"I broke it off with you."
"yeah, but you missed me"
"if it makes you feel better about yourself, then sure whatever"
"do you have them or not?"
"yeah I gotta go grab them, wait here"
"I'm not staying out here. I got bit by soooooooo many mosquitos"
"that's your fault, not mine"
"john"
"what?"
"I'm at least going into the living room"
"no you aren't"
"joooooooohn"
"no it'll only take a second"
"then I'll only be in your house for a second"
"stop, you aren't coming into my house"
"come oooooooon"
"you come on and stay the hell out here"
"fine"
I walked into my house and up the stairs to grab her headphones out of my closet. I descended the stairs into my living room, where she stood at the fireplace looking at my grandma's urn.
"are you kidding me?"
"what?"
"why did you come in?"
"because I felt like you were being unreasonable"
"how?"
"I was being devoured by like eighty mosquitos"
"that's a lie and you know it" I held her headphones out to her. She took them and put them in her jacket pocket. "now you have your headphones. Now you can leave"
"nah, I'm pretty tired, I think I'll stay here for a bit longer"
"I wish you would leave"
"where were you? It's pretty late don't you think?"
"why do you care?"
"because I know you and Nepeta have been talking"
"and? She's my friend"
"are you sure?"
"what are you talking about?"
"has she told you about her depression?"
"yeah, she mentioned it" it wasn't a lie. She told me she was diagnosed with chronic depression and was on medication for it.
"did she tell you that she went to a mental hospital?"
"we don't talk about stuff like that" I needed her to stop talking.
"how about her first suicide attempt?" I knew this wasn't the only one. I didn't know when her first one was.
"we don't talk about it"
"why? Isn't it important?" my anger was reaching its limit. My fists were clenched at my sides.
"don't you have some poor handicapped kid to treat like shit now?" she sighed. "just leave"
"I'm not going to"
"why? No one wants you here"
"someone does"
"not in my house they don't"
"john- "
"get out before I force you out"
"whatever, John" she flipped her hair and walked out the front door, slamming it behind her. I was glad my dad wasn't home for a couple days, he would not appreciate being awoken like that. Why couldn't Vriska just leave me alone? I pressed my hand to my face. My glasses pressed into the bridge of my nose, not like I cared right now. I went locked the door and then ascended the stairs, making my way to my room for some much-needed sleep.
