Inside A Frozen Memory Of Us

part two.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show. The title comes from Ours by the Bravery.

Summary: Things were so much easier in Paris.


When she spots the telltale head of blonde tresses, she remembers how much she missed her best friend and how lost she'd be without her.

I can't not know you.

It feels as if it has been forever since she uttered those words, and despite all the fights and the drama that has come since then the words still ring true.

When Serena looks up from her menu and her blue eyes catch Blair's, the smile on her face is wide and unrestrained and so Serena that Blair can't help but smile, too.

When they hug it feels as though they haven't seen each other in years, instead of three months.

They spend the entire night talking about their summers and the year to come. Serena mentions Hampton's beaches and flings and about their last year at Columbia together now that Blair is graduating.

She tells her how she can't believe that the season has passed and she wishes time would just stand still once and awhile.

She tells her about how Eric is traveling through Asia with his boyfriend; she tells her about Nate and the new girl he is seeing and they laugh because he will never learn. Serena mentions her mother and her stepfather and even how Dan has some internship that he loves. But she doesn't bring up the littlest Humphrey because she knows it's still an aching wound for Blair.

And in turn Blair tells her about her summer in Paris pre-Baizen: about riding on mopeds and going to clubs and smoking cigarettes and giving boys her phone number.

Blair laughs when Serena gasps and looks on in amazement, smiles because it feels like they understand each other perfectly.

Blair tells her about her parents and how Eleanor redecorated the apartment since they were last there; how she spent every Sunday with her father; how she went shopping with Roman; and how she listened to Cyrus talk to her about post-graduation options.

They talk about their futures and their pasts and the present and everything that has happened since the moment they met and everything that will happen from this moment on.

Serena doesn't bring up Carter until dessert is served, but Blair can tell that it's been on her mind since she found out.

"You look happy. Happier than I've seen you in forever."

"I am," Blair promises.

"Then I'm happy for you. Even if it is with Carter Baizen."

"Hey, you dated him too."

"Yeah, you're right: first Nate, now Carter. We really need to start dating out of the same circle."

They laugh like they are thirteen again; like before boarding schools and eating disorders and empty promises and broken hearts.

"Are you happy?" And Blair is actually surprised at how things have changed; how it used to be Serena asking her these questions and how it was Blair who would pull on the fake smile and say why wouldn't I be?

Serena looks at her like the vulnerable, lost little girl she used to be and still is sometimes. The girl Blair had to pull out of bars and out of strangers' arms; the girl she had to put to bed and tell her that no matter what she would always love her.

You're my best friend, right B?

Of course, S. Don't be ridiculous.

I love you, B. I really, really love you. Do you love me?

Serena. You know I love you.

Will you ever leave me?

Never ever.

That girl has come and gone ever since Blair has known Serena, but she thinks that maybe they're best friends because they both know what it's like to be broken and alone and lost in a house and a life and a world too big for them.

"I'm trying to be." Serena smiles softly. "I missed you, B."

"I missed you too, S. So much."

It's on the tip of her tongue to ask Serena about him. She wants to know anything and everything, wants to know what happened to him that summer while she was off with Carter.

(Because you can never really trust what Gossip Girl says)

Every time she thinks about Chuck her heart aches a little more, and she doesn't know if she wants him to be happy and moving on or if she wants him to be devastated and alone.

She tries to fight it off, but she can't. There will always be something about that broken boy – who was trying desperately to fill his father's shoes and who only ever wanted to be loved – that she just couldn't escape. She cannot pretend that they didn't happen; she doesn't want to pretend that they never happened.

Even if Chuck was the biggest heartache of her life, he is one of the things she regrets the least.

The way to get over you isn't by hooking up with some random guy or pretending like we didn't happen.

She never intended to fall in love again so quickly. If she is honest with herself, she never really imagined loving anyone else.

You and I loved each other.

"I love you so much it consumes me," was never a lie. She loved Chuck with her whole heart and she fought and fought and tried her hardest to make it work –

And then you broke my heart.

But it didn't.

"How is he?" Blair doesn't know why she's so nervous to ask, but she knows why she can't look at Serena when she does.

"You know Chuck… He took it pretty hard."

"And by hard you mean coke and prostitutes? Got it."

"B, I haven't seen him with anyone since you two broke up."

"At least he's learned how to be discreet."

"Blair."

She can't look at Serena. She doesn't want to see the concern or the worry in her eyes.

"I know he hurt you, B, but – "

"Serena… I just can't, okay? Chuck and I are over for good this time."

"Does he know that?"

Blair looks away again, thinks about how Chuck has to know that they're over; he can't honestly believe that there is any hope for them anymore.

We're inevitable, Waldorf.

She sighs, thinking about that boy who couldn't say the words but felt them in every vessel of his body; the boy who believed that someday she would be his.

"He will." Blair says it with finality, looks in Serena's eyes and swears that she won't get caught up in any more webs of deceit and manipulation and lies and love.


Things seemed so much easier in Paris.

It was easier when she was in a different city than Chuck; when there were different time zones and countries and an oceans between them.

But now when they're in the same city and in the same country, with only a few streets between them, that it is so much harder.

Now when she has the urge to call him just to hear his voice she does not have the limitations of being sic hours ahead of him.

Now when she just wants to see him and see how he is – see if he has changed at all – she can easily because he is no longer a flight away.

Serena had assured her that Chuck was doing well the last time she saw him: that he was working, like always, but still regularly went to family dinners and he spent time with Nate. She promised that he was not holed up in his apartment drowning himself in self-pity with alcohol and illegal substances and whores.

But Blair still could not shake the feeling that Chuck was just putting up a front, that his heart is aching beneath the hard shell of a façade.

She is less than a block away from her apartment and her boyfriend who loves her, but she decides that she cannot be there just yet so she gives her driver a different address and hopes that she won't ruin all the new-found good in her life.


She stands outside his building – telling herself that she should leave, wishing things weren't this hard – for approximately eight minutes before she gains the nerve to go in.

Everything looks exactly the same as it did three months ago: the décor has not changed; she even still sees some of the same faces. It feels as if she was here yesterday, not weeks and weeks ago.

When she enters the elevator, she tells herself that this is for the best; that this will help everyone and allow her to get on with their lives.

But she is still terrified of seeing his face and hearing his voice and loving him forever that she almost backs out.

But she doesn't. She uses the key she still has and heads to the top floor, trying to stomp down the butterflies fluttering in her stomach.


Please review - comments make me happy. :)