Merlin eventually took the position of advisor, after Gwen and Gaius all but dragged him to a few meetings. It wasn't that bad, he only had to fight back tears a few times, remember how the king had stood there once, and how it was Arthur who brought back the round table.

It had been six months now, six months since Arthur died, twenty-six weeks exactly. Merlin still couldn't sleep, he hardly ate and looked the part, his clothes were even baggier than before. He knew everyone noticed, but what was he supposed to do? He knew everyone else was getting better, everyone had things that took their minds off it, everyone had their work. Merlin had work too; he had things to do now, but it still didn't get better.

He couldn't understand how everyone else had gotten better so fast, it still felt like just a few days, just a few days ago he watched that boat glide away from him. Everyone else smiled more now, laughed more too, it wasn't as somber around the castle. It was lively once again outside, the people had realized Gwen was a more than capable queen, they were happy again. And then there was Merlin, an empty shell going around doing stupid things he couldn't care less about.

He supposed it might just be a facade, that the knight's whom practiced alone now, without a king to give them direction, only acted like that didn't faze them. Only pretended to be the rough and tough, battle-ready group they used to be and behind the doors, at night, when they were alone, Leon and Percival missed Arthur just as much as Merlin did. He supposed Gwen only put on a together front on the outside, let everyone think she was well and strong, while at night, when she slept alone, she wept.

He didn't want this to be true, but he hoped it was, he didn't want to feel like he was the only one who wasn't moving on. Who couldn't move on.

"Everyone comes to terms with things differently," Gaius was telling him, as he sat at the table, not eating his dinner. "It will be harder for you, you were there, alone. In time you will heal, Merlin…" In time, he's heard that one enough times. "It will get easier, I promise you, my boy."

"And what if it doesn't?" Merlin asked in return, he was fairly sure it wouldn't. "What do I do then?"

"It will, you have to believe it will."

Merlin didn't believe, that was why? Merlin huffed; he had believed in things before and look at where that gotten him. He just went to bed that night, stomach rejecting the few bites he did take of his super. He didn't sleep.

He was doing stupid things he didn't care about again, wondering around the castle, it didn't matter what he was doing, it was all part of the fight to free magic, but he didn't care about freeing magic anymore. Honestly, he didn't, not if Arthur wasn't here to do it with him.

"Merlin!" he heard from behind and he stalled in his spot, turning back to see Percival standing there. "Hello, Merlin."

"Hello," he replied.

"Leon and I are going to the Rising Sun tonight; we wanted to know if you were up to come along?"

Merlin thought about it, that was about the last thing he wanted to do. The last time he was in the tavern, Arthur had been there with him…he couldn't, he just couldn't.

"No thank you," Merlin told him, turning to walk away.

"Merlin, I think it would be good for you," Percival said, grabbing hold of Merlin's shoulder, stopping him from walking away. "I think you should change your mind."

"I really don't like the tavern, Percival," Merlin explained. " And I'm not interested in what's good for me either."

"If you don't come along we will just keep on asking you, until you agree..."

He shouldn't have come, he knew he shouldn't have. He felt like he was trapped in a box or a very tiny room, with no air and no way out. Everyone looked so happy, sitting around talking, laughing. YOUR KING JUST DIED, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? He wanted to yell at them. But of course, he hadn't just died, it was six months ago and they hadn't known him like Merlin did.

Merlin looked down at his mead and saw the full tankard staring back at him. He couldn't drink it. He felt sick, how could he willingly drink something he knew would make it worse? He huffed and looked back up at Leon and Percival.

"This is fun," Leon stated, nodding, as if trying to convince himself of this. Merlin knew the truth, and he could not wait to just go to bed. Not that he would sleep.

"Gwaine would have made things a bit more lively, wouldn't he?" Percival said then and Merlin gulped. Gwaine….he had died too, six months ago, just like Arthur. Merlin had been so devastated by Arthur dying he had forgotten to truly feel sick over Gwaine, but now he did. Gwaine had been his friend too, a very good friend. Merlin suddenly wanted to drawn himself in his drink. He looked up to see Leon tapping a hand on Percival's back, who looked close to tears, both of them did.

Merlin lifted his tankard then, willing himself not to breakdown in front of the last two knights he knew. The last two of his friends in armor.

"To Gwaine!" he said, getting a smile out of Percival.

"To Gwaine!" both knights cheered, lifting their drinks and all three of them took a sip. Everything was quiet after that and soon Merlin excused himself, telling the pair he had to get up early. Truth be told, he just couldn't stand it anymore, it wasn't the same, not without Arthur or Gwaine.

He returned to Gaius' chambers and snuck into his room, trying not to wake the old man up. Merlin let out a shaky breath once the door was shut and he leaned against it. Letting the tears that have been threatening to overtake him finally come out. He wondered over to his bed, sobs contracting through him by now. With his face in his hands, sobbing.

He cried for Arthur and for Gwaine that night.

The next morning he felt sicker than he had the night before, his lack of sleep was creeping up on him again. He was forgetting things and losing his balance more. All the things that have happened before, when his exhaustion finally took its toll. He welcomed the sleep, he asked for it, being awake so long was torture, but waking up, with all those memories coming back, that's what he couldn't deal with.

He walked into the royal champers that morning, numbly; Gwen was sitting at a desk by the window, writing. She looked lovely and well rested; Merlin bet he looked like that troll King Uther had been married to once.

"Good morning, Merlin," she smiled at him and he could only nod in return. She looked him over and frowned then. "Have you eaten?" He shrugged at her question. "When is the last time you have had a proper meal?"

"Oh, um…Gaius made dinner last night, I ate some of that," Merlin mumbled, his head was dizzy and his chest was getting tight. All signs that his usual fatigue was about to overcome him. Merlin just hoped he actually got to his bed this time, before passing out. He didn't like waking up pressed against a windowsill, like that one time.

"Did you eat a full meal?" Gwen was asking again and Merlin shrugged, half-heartedly. "I am asking as your queen, Merlin, when is the last time you've eaten properly?"

"Six months ago!" he barked, turning away from her. No, he was not having this conversation, he was fine, so he wasn't eating how he was supposed to, he was more conserned with the pouding of his heart that rattled in his ears.

"Merlin, you have to eat!" Gwen told him, standing up, and walking over to him, but as she faced him once more, her eyes widened. "When did you last sleep?"

"I don't know, a few weeks ago…"

"Merlin!" she looked so concerned.

"You know how I am, Gwen, I'll sleep for a two days and be alright again," he told her, she was going in and out of focus. He was just so tired all of a sudden.

"You can't go on like this!" she told him, touching his forehead. "You need something that might help you!"

"Gaius has tried sleeping drafts, they don't work on me," Merlin shrugged. "I tried putting myself to sleep with magic, but all I do is...dream."

"Is that why you are forcing yourself to stay awake?" she asked, so concerned she looked near tears. "So you won't dream?"

"I don't want to dream, Gwen, I….I don't want to see him," he muttered, taking in a breath, that rattled in his chest, just like his racing heart. She pulled him into a hug then and he went willingly.

"You must sleep, Merlin, you are going to end up killing yourself like this."

Funny story about that, he thought, as he rested his head on her shoulder. She was just so soft and warm and not dead, he liked it, his eyes were batting shut on him against his own will.

"Merlin…" she was calling him, but he couldn't answer her, everything was fading black. This was the kind of sleep he liked, so dark, so deep he couldn't dream, he wouldn't have to see Arthur there, or watch him die again. It was just black, nothingness, the only sleep worth having. He didn't want to wake up though, he didn't want to have to remember it all again, to remember him dying, to remember the emptiness. Merlin didn't ever want to wake up, but, of course, he did…

When he did wake up he was in strange chambers. Walls he had never been in before, he looked around, from his view on the bed, and saw a window, it was dark outside, there was a desk, it was a nice desk. Along with a cupboard that looked much bigger than his, and in a chair close to the bed, was Gwen.

"Gwen?" he mumbled, voice tired and itchy.

"Merlin, you're awake," she smiled at him, leaning forward. "I was worried something worse had happened. Gaius told me you were just asleep, but if you had seen your face, I…."

"I'm sorry I had worried you," he said, sitting up a bit, he felt much better now that he had slept.

"Please, Merlin, you have to take care of yourself, I cannot bear to lose someone else I care about," she told him, tears welling in her eyes now. "If not for me, then for Arthur. Think of how he would feel seeing you this way."

"If he were here to see me this way, I wouldn't have to be this way," Merlin said, turning away from her. He felt Gwen grab his hand and he let her.

"I know how you feel, I do, believe me," she told him. "There is not a day goes by that I do not wish for him to still be here, but the truth is, he isn't and now, we have to find a way to deal with that, together."

"I don't think I can."

"You have to try, Merlin," she came and sat on the bed then, pulling him into her arms. He felt like a child, but he stayed there anyway, he didn't have the energy to move and the warmth felt nice. "You cannot keep yourself in this pattern. You must sleep and you must eat. Promise me that you will from now on?"

"I…I'll try," me mumbled, turning his face into her shoulder. He didn't care how he looked, everything hurt too much.

"I need your word, you will not harm yourself in this way anymore," she insisted, petting his hair. He had been right to think it before; she would make a wonderful mother.

"You have my word, I promise."


(A/N: I didn't think this story would be overly popular, But I had to write it. Arthur is a bit of a deal breaker for me personally, no Arthur no me gusta. But that's my thoughts on the matter.)