Chapter Two | Building on the Ruins
Caroline drove Kate home, once she'd calmed down. William very kindly offered to come with them – which brought tears to Kate's eyes all over again – but Caroline had told him it would be better if he stayed with Lawrence. Both she and Kate were consumed by silence during the journey; once, Caroline reached across to lay a hand on Kate's knee, but Kate didn't react, and she had to move her hand back to swerve around a Ford Focus that appeared to be on its last legs. Or wheels.
"Kate," she said gently, when they pulled up outside the house, "Do you want me to stay with you?"
"You've got the boys to think about."
Caroline saw that Kate avoided a direct 'no'. That was something infuriating about Kate; she was too selfless to confess to needing someone. "You're important to me as well. The boys will be fine with Mum and Alan."
"I'm alright. Just tired."
Kate's house looked small, nestled at the end of the neighbourhood, but Caroline felt a sudden pang of longing for a house like this. Hers was so big it seemed devoid of character, whereas Kate's sofas were a little worn and crammed into her living room, and they seemed to make the place feel warm.
"At least let me come in with you. I'll make you a coffee."
"I think I'll just go to bed, actually. You know, read something for a change. I never get the chance to read any more, not properly. I just read essay after essay, with all the same mistakes, the tenses are wrong and the accents point the wrong way. I don't mind reading them, of course I don't, I just–"
"You're not alright, are you?" Caroline asked, flicking the headlights off. The corner of the street was bathed in light from the solitary streetlamp, but not a lot of the light filtered through the windscreen, and so they sat in darkness.
"I will be."
"You should have told me how you felt, about my mum and Alan, about your dad."
Kate didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Caroline knew she didn't ask enough about Kate's feelings, it was take-take-take, and she didn't give Kate time to take things back. It wasn't representative of her feelings; she loved Kate like she loved William and Lawrence, she cared about her feelings like she did about theirs. Yet it was so simple to allow a child to open up to you, and so hard with adults, because their problems couldn't always be solved with a hug. Caroline was so used to pushing people away that it was hard to let Kate in.
"I'm sorry," Caroline said.
Kate reached across and took her hand in the dark, "It's not your fault. You deserve to be happy, I shouldn't lumber you with my problems."
"Of course you should. That's how these things work."
"Maybe." Kate dropped her hand and opened the car door.
Cool breeze wafted into the car, and the scent of sweet flowers, which felt slightly juxtaposed to Caroline, in the darkness. She felt as though the intimacy of their relationship was leaving the car as the cold entered.
"Please, let me come in with you."
Kate shook her head, "I'll ring you tomorrow. Say congratulations to Celia and Alan from me."
"Kate–"
Caroline sat in the car until long after Kate had gone into the house. Part of her wanted Kate's curtains to part suddenly and her face to peer through the window, her eyes filling with relief when she realised Caroline hadn't left. The curtains stayed firmly shut.
XxXxX
"Are you alright, lad? Where's William got to?"
Lawrence shuffled along Gillian's sofa and allowed Alan – he supposed he was his grandad now, in a way – to sit down beside him. "He went outside with Raff, to see a lamb or something. I said I didn't want to go."
"Oh. Don't want a drink or 'owt, do you?"
"I'm okay."
The house was quite quiet now. Earlier, it had been filled with people, Alan's friends and his gran's friends, and family from both sides. Gillian and Celia had gone out onto the front to wave off the last few stragglers.
"You can pay for all these blinkin' taxis," Gillian had shouted to Alan as she'd slammed the front door, although she'd been grinning, "All these twits who thought it would be a good idea to bring their cars to a weddin' party. God knows."
Lawrence thought how different Gillian looked when she wasn't wearing a coat and driving a tractor. She was really quite pretty, like his mum.
He could feel Alan's eyes on the side of his face. It wasn't a sharp gaze, like his mother's was when she wanted him to tell her what was wrong; it was warm, like Alan was prepared to wait as long as he needed to for Lawrence to explain.
"Do you think Mum's okay?"
"I'm sure she is. She'll be back in a bit. We'll get the sleeping bags down and you lads can sleep in here tonight, it probably wouldn't be much good for Celia's back to sleep on this floor. And anyway, it's our wedding night," Alan chuckled, "You don't mind things being a bit cosy, do you?"
"No." Lawrence shrugged. He liked Gillian's farmhouse, the little kitchen you could cross in two strides and the fireplace that Alan had lit a fire in earlier, when dusk had fallen. "And Miss McKenzie. Do you think she's alright now?"
"Oh, don't worry, love, I'm sure she's fine too. I suppose everyone has sad days sometimes."
"Yeah. Mum does."
"So does my Gillian, although she tries to hide it," Alan took a cheese straw from the plate on the table, "Are you okay with everything, at the moment? You know, with your mum and– and Miss McKenzie, as you call her."
"She says I can call her Kate when we're not at school."
"That's a good idea."
"I want Mum to be happy. And she's been much better since Dad left, but it's– it's sort of weird. I don't want everyone at school to laugh at Mum."
"Your mum's made of pretty stern stuff. I don't think she'd left anyone laugh at her, would she now?"
He shrugged again, "I like Kate. Once, when I had no dinner money left on my card, she bought my lunch. She said the next time Mum's working late she'll help me make dinner as a surprise for her, she said we could make fajitas because Mum loves them."
Alan smiled, "She seems like a lovely lass. And you know, anyone who's unkind about your mum and Kate– about them being together, they're not worth listening to. It doesn't matter as long as they're both happy, and you and William happy. Some people might've laughed at me and Celia, but look at us now."
"Yeah." Lawrence leant across and helped himself to a cheese straw too. "I'll help you get the sleeping bags down, if you want."
XxXxX
