Author's Note: Yeah, so I got unbelievably inspired. I've been writing for about 14 hours now, and I couldn't be happier. I hope you guys can enjoy this as much as how I enjoyed writing it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor any of its characters. All information in this story (especially those relating to the Japanese government and their public officials) are all fictional.
It Is What It Is
Chapter Two
It was a very shitty day.
The red-haired detective sighed as he had to stop at yet another red light on his way home from a particularly long day at the headquarters. He spent the whole afternoon holed up in their conference room with Sano, Saitou and a few other higher-ups, trying to figure out how yet another group of mysterious criminals somehow managed to smuggle two million yen's worth of drugs into the country—right under their noses at that. They've been following lead after lead for weeks now, but they were still nowhere close to figuring out just what higher being was out there to support a crime this huge without having any one of the wrongdoers caught or even close to identified.
'Divine intervention. That's the only explanation for this fucking mess', thought Kenshin.
The stoplight finally flashed green, giving him and the other motorists the signal to go to wherever it was that everyone was going to after a long grueling day at work. Kenshin accelerated, only to get held up at yet another red light right after he turned the next corner.
'Goddamn it. Just let me go home', he thought morosely.
As one of the country's top detectives, he knows that he has a lot going for him. This was fully supported by the fact that despite working for just five years, he had already outranked the others who've been in this industry for far longer than he has, yet had been assigned nothing but meager cases like tracking down rapists or low-class burglars; the basics. At only twenty seven, he's already managed to track down and catch several corrupt politicians who were all too busy swindling money from the absurdly high taxes that the government charged their citizens. It was pathetic, really. The lengths that people did just to purchase a new car or mansion that they could brag about to further establish their standing in society. It disgusted him to no end, and he was sick and tired of it all.
His disgust doesn't mean, however, that he was willing to let this all go just like that. He once thought about how easy it would be to just lay back and enjoy the inheritance his deceased parents left for him when they passed away, but he just couldn't bring himself to actually do so. In his point of view, that would put him in the same place that those mongrels were in. He couldn't stand the thought of not doing anything but watch as people around him suffered through poverty, hunger, and a lot of other horrible situations that human beings should never be subjected to. Not when he was fully aware that he could do something about it—that he could make a difference.
And what a difference he could make. Five years on the force, and he was already one of the most trusted detectives and special agents out there. Along with his partner, Sano, his alias could easily arouse fear out of the dark hearts of those he worked hard to fight against. Still, though, that wasn't enough for him. Somehow, he knew he was capable of doing more. It was this, his unbelievable spirit for justice, that Katsura—one of the most powerful and influential officials in Japan—invited him to be a part of an underground organization that was hell-bent on bringing down those who were too high to be touched by the law. The same people who were hiding behind false promises and superficial good deeds to cover their filthy trails and desires for more wealth and power.
He and most of his most trusted friends joined the Ishin Shishi three years into their respected careers. It is here that Kenshin felt he was most useful. He, along with Sano, was responsible for bringing down the most despicable of men—permanently. He had absolutely no heart for killing, but he knew that sometimes, death was the only sentence for those who have killed and tortured innocents and civilians. All for a better Japan, he reasoned with himself after his first kill two years ago. Since then, he's killed more criminals than he can count—although the public didn't know a thing about it.
He was not a heartless, cold-blooded killer, as opposed to what some members of his organization believed him to be. No, his humanity remained intact despite what he's been doing for years now. He had his beloved fiancée to thank for that. Her love and support held him together as his deeds threatened to break and tear his sanity apart with grief and unbelievable guilt for the lives he has taken.
Kenshin sighed again as he thought about his soon-to-be wife. They've been going through a rough patch lately, mostly because of her desire to do something for the people, for her country, as well. The redhead, however, was adamant that she not sully herself with the blood of others. He didn't want her anywhere near his world because just being his fiancée was already putting her in enough danger as it is. Fully integrating her into their underground doings would only bring more attention to her, and he cannot even bear to think of what might happen should she be assigned to a mission that could end badly.
He knew he wasn't being fair. He was being outright obtuse; as his beloved screamed into his face so many times he'd lost count. But this was not something that he was willing to risk. What's one argument compared to the possibility of losing her forever? Yes, it was for a better Japan. Yes, she was very talented and he knew—hell, they all knew that she could really make a difference for them, but he just couldn't let her do this. He couldn't. He would die before he'd let her get her way. He loved her too much to put her at risk.
They've been together for five years now. He could still remember the day they finally admitted their hidden feelings for each other right after their graduation from Tokyo University. He with a degree in criminology, and her with flying colors for her outstanding performance under the journalism program. Admittedly, their relationship had a very unorthodox beginning—what with how they spent a whole night locked in each other's arms after they got too drunk to even think about stopping their hot impulsivity. It was a blessing to find out the next morning that they both didn't regret what happened and that they were both hoping to take their friendship to the next level—a decision that their friends fully supported. They got the most support from Sano, who even went as far as to scream "It's about fucking time!" after they confessed their current relationship status.
It was perfectly reasonable for him to propose four years into their relationship. It was the next logical step, and honestly he couldn't be more thrilled about it. Not that he'd admit that to anyone, seeing as how he would be viewed as a pussy-whipped boyfriend. His proposal was not so perfect. It seemed that everything he planned to say for his grand proposal went to shit the moment he opened his mouth in front of her. He did everything right prior to his speech. The dinner was perfect, the starry night sky was immaculate, and not once did he spill anything to ruin the ambiance of the evening. Then he knelt down, opened his mouth, and stammered… and stammered… and stammered. He forgot everything he planned to say because of all the damned butterflies fluttering around in his godforsaken stomach.
It didn't matter to her, though, she confessed later in the night after they made love with tears in their eyes from the joy that they were both feeling. He was perfect. Everything was perfect. But to him, nothing was more perfect than her saying yes and putting the ring on her own finger—his hands were too clammy and sweaty for him to even get the ring out of the box for heaven's sake!
The stoplight changed again, finally letting him drive to his home in peace. Just two more blocks. Two more blocks and he could spend the rest of the day in his beloved's arms, washing the memories of the crimes he had to deal with into nothing but unimportant mutterings in his head. Because, truly, nothing was more important than her smiles and her gentle caresses. He once told her that one word from her and he'd willingly drop everything for her; his career, his past, everything—just so he could get her to stay by his side.
Lately, though… lately he hasn't been getting much of her gentle caresses. He was finding it harder and harder to find reasons for her to smile, and he knew that he was somehow at fault for that. For five months now, they've been doing nothing but argue about his stand on letting her help them make a difference.
The night before was particularly harsh. She screamed, he screamed, and somewhere along the way she told him that she wasn't even sure if she was happy anymore. That broke his heart. That one single sentence epitomized all of his nightmares and he couldn't believe that what he was doing, his protection and devotion and love for her, was no longer enough. He was too angry to think about what he said next and he ended up leaving in the middle of the night to stay at Sano's to cool off.
Today, though, he was determined to make a difference. He was going to do everything he could to make her happy again. No matter what, he was going to show her how much he loved her and how much she meant to him. However, the thought of her bringing up the topic they've been fighting about for so long now troubled him. If she asked him again, he knew the answer he was going to give; and no, that was not the answer that was going to make her happy.
Why couldn't she see that it was all for her? Why couldn't his love for her be enough?
He sighed as he pulled up on his driveway, briefly wondering about why Kaoru's car was still parked outside instead of resting inside their garage as it always was. She always got home before he did, preferring to take most of her work back home to work there instead of having to bear with her unbelievably annoying and shallow co-workers who had nothing better to do than to force their way up on the social ladder.
Kenshin picked up the bouquet of white roses, her favorite, from his passenger seat. He was going to apologize, and damn it all if he screwed this up. He really wanted to just lie down in their bedroom with her cuddled up beside him. They'd open that wonderful bottle of wine that Megumi got them for his birthday, and she'd put on a movie in their bedroom—Silence of the Lambs, probably, since that was her favorite. It didn't really matter to him, as long as he got to hold her. As long as they had each other to keep them warm during this cold, winter night.
He opened their front door and frowned. Something was wrong, something was horribly wrong. Their home seemed darker, colder today. It was quiet, he couldn't hear Kaoru's work playlist blaring out from her study.
"Kaoru?" he called from their foyer, removing his shoes in the process. "Sweetheart, I'm home!"
He frowned. Usually, no matter what mood she was in, she'd come out from whatever room she's in to greet him and give him a kiss and a warm embrace. He was so looking forward to that the whole day. He sighed yet again, was what he said the night before that unforgiveable? Surely she knew that he was just angry. That he didn't mean anything.
He turned the corner and entered their living room, his eyes growing wide in surprise the moment he laid his eyes on what was before him.
There she sat, quiet and deep in thought. There were bags all around her, packed to the brim with clothes and other belongings. It was now that he realized that there were boxes placed on the backseat in her car outside. No, this wasn't happening. He chuckled internally, of course it wasn't. Maybe she just wants to get away from the city for a while. He could probably force Saitou to give him a short leave from work, seeing as he's been working to the bone the previous months. He was a detective, but he was still a human being. He still gets tired. He forced himself to be excited for this chance to reconnect with her. He stamped down the shadows and nightmares and the 'what ifs' that were trying to make their way up into his brain.
"What's going on?" he asked fearfully, knowing perfectly well what was happening but still forcing himself to deny it. He wasn't going to accept it, not like that. Not ever. "Are we going on a trip?"
Kaoru looked up at him, her beautiful blue eyes boring into his with apprehension and sadness. "Kenshin…"
"If I call Saitou now, I'm sure he'd let me get off work for a couple days", he mumbled. "Where are we going?"
"I'm going to my parents' house. In Kyoto", she replied, willing for him to accept what she was saying. "I'm… not sure when I'll be back."
"What do you mean? Are you planning to stay there for long?" he stepped closer to her, breathing in the scent of jasmine that he so closely associated to her.
Kaoru looked away and didn't answer. She was too busy steeling her resolve to think of an appropriate response to his question.
"I…" started Kenshin, "I brought you flowers". He held out his right hand, the bouquet held up above them. "I know—I know what I said last night hurt you, but Kaoru, love, I didn't mean it. Any of it, I swear."
He looked at her, watched her try to stop her hands from shaking. 'No', he thought, 'No'.
Kaoru sighed, then. 'This is going to be difficult', she thought. She looked up at him and grasped the flowers he was holding out to her. She placed them beside her with a soft "thank you", as she painfully forced herself to stand by her decision. 'This is for the better. This is for us. This is for us' was her mantra.
"Kenshin," she looked up at him then, willing him to understand. "I think… I think we both know what's going on here."
"No."
The twenty-five year old woman was startled at his tone. "Kenshin—"
"No." he looked at her then, begging—pleading with her. Baring his whole heart out in an effort to let her know, to make her understand how much this was hurting him. "No, Kaoru."
It hurt to look at him, then. She knew how painful this was for him, but then, she was hurting too. Every argument they had just built up and up and up until she felt like if she didn't do something, she'd end up hating him past the point of no return. She couldn't do that, not to him. Not after everything they've gone through together.
"I've already packed most of my stuff. I left some of them behind, but I don't think I can come back for them so you can just…" she stopped, trying to push air back into her lungs, trying to just keep fucking breathing, "you can decide what to do with them later on."
"When are you coming back?"
"Kenshin…"
He wouldn't look at her, couldn't. He was staring at a photo of them that they hung together on the wall by their fireplace. They laughed at how cheesy it was, but they both loved it at the time. They loved how happy they were together, smiling and laughing out on the beach as they celebrated their first anniversary. He used to smile every time he saw that picture. Now though, he hated it. It wasn't reminding him of anything happy, it was mocking him. Laughing at his misery, even.
"When. Are. You. Coming. Back?"
"I'm not."
That was it. His entire world shattered, broken, but hoping and praying that this was all some sick joke. That she'd laugh and tell him she was kidding and that, if he wanted to, they can go out to dinner together.
"What?", he growled. Too hurt to notice the aggressive tone he'd taken with her.
Kaoru met his eyes, then, and he could see how much this was hurting her too. Why was she doing this? Why was she hurting herself? Both of them?
"I'm not coming back, Kenshin. You know that. I know you do."
"Why?" he dared to ask. He wanted to understand. He wanted to hear her reasons so he could at least TRY to get her to stay.
"We both know why. Please don't make this any more difficult than it has to be."
"Goddamn it, Kaoru!" he screamed, pain and anguish consuming him from inside and out. "Difficult? Why does it even have to be difficult? Why do you have to do this?!"
He saw her flinch at his raised voice. "I don't understand, Kaoru", he said as he knelt down in front of her. Taking and holding her hand in his. "Tell me why."
She looked at him, then. Blue eyes blazing with the anger and hurt and unadulterated sadness that she felt. "I can't do this anymore. What you said last night—"
"Fuck what I said last night, I didn't mean any of that. Please, love. I never meant anything."
"I can't—I'm not happy anymore, Kenshin", she whispered.
He let go of her hand as though it stung him. He stood up, angrily running his hand through his hair, "But you're not even trying! You're not even fucking trying anymore, Kaoru!"
She kept quiet. She knew he was going to react this way, Kami knows how many times she'd played this out again and again in her head. Yet hearing it, actually living through it, was still unbearable for her.
"I'll quit", he said with fierce determination. Anything to get her to stay. "I'll leave Shishi. They have enough hands. They can handle it." He said, turning back to face her. "We can move. Let's start again, let's start fresh. Let's just… forget this."
"Don't be stupid. You know that won't do anyone any good."
"Then tell me what to do, Kaoru!" he screamed again, pacing back and forth across from where she was seated. "Tell me what to do and I'll do it! Tell me what to do to make you happy. I'll do it, I swear!"
"There's nothing you can do. I have to—"
"BULLSHIT!"
Kaoru, startled, looked at him. There were tears threatening to fall from his eyes, the same as hers. But no, she wouldn't cry. Not now.
"That's bullshit, Kaoru, and you know that!"
Silence.
"Is this still about Shishi? Is this about you not being able to be part of it?", he said.
"You know it's not that. It was never about that."
"Then what is this about?" he pleaded with her, kneeling down in front of her to take her hands in his again. "Please, love, tell me what's wrong and I'll fix it. Please. Just don't do this."
Her tears were falling freely now, she lost control the moment he knelt down. How could she hurt him like this? Was this what she was reduced to now? A stubborn, selfish, petulant child who screamed and yelled and hurt everyone around her all because she didn't get what she wanted?
"It's not about you, Kenshin. This is all about me now. I want—I need to fix myself. And I can't do that here. Not with you."
"Why?" he asked brokenly. "Why? I can help you. I know… I know I can be difficult sometimes, but please. I can change. I'll be more supportive. I'll be whoever the fuck you want me to be, just please. Please don't do this."
"Please Kaoru." He begged as he sat down beside her to take her face into his hands. The beautiful face that held his every dream, his every desire. He wanted her to understand just how much he needed her, and to—hopefully—make her see that she needs him as well.
"I can't." she sobbed, her tears falling twice as hard as it was two minutes ago.
He kissed her. He knew no matter what he said, he wouldn't be able to get through to her. Not when she was so set on this. He kissed her and he felt her kiss him back and for a while, for a brief moment, he felt like things would be okay. He thought he heard her tell him to stop when he kissed her tears away, when he started letting himself follow the familiar trail from her jaws to her shoulders, but he didn't pay attention to it, opting to wrap her up in his embrace and having no intention of letting go.
"Stop."
He couldn't. He wouldn't. Not until she understood. He kissed her lips once again, but this time—this time she wasn't kissing him back.
Kaoru pushed him away with so much force that he was surprised and he went sprawling back on the couch. "Stop! You can't—you can't just expect everything to be better by having sex with me, Kenshin! You can't! You can't just kiss me and expect everything to just fade away! It doesn't work that way!"
He stared up at her as he sat back down, her eyes blazing in fury and her shoulders set with anger. His beautiful, vengeful siren. He could see her fists clenched so tight that he knew there were going to be marks on her palms from the pressure. "I know, I know. I'm sorry."
"Then why did you do it?!"
"I just—I don't know. I…"
They stared at each other then. Their eyes telling them everything and nothing at the same time.
"So this is it, then?" he asked. "You're leaving me? Just like that? Five years, Kaoru. Five years we've been together and you're going to throw it all away because of some stupid argument? Just because you couldn't have your way?"
"Fuck you", she said vehemently. "If that's all you think of me then I'm definitely making the right decision."
"How the hell is this right?! In what fucking universe is what you're doing defined as right?!"
"I have to do this. I need to do this."
"You keep saying that but I still don't fucking understand WHY!"
Kaoru took a deep breath, steeling herself to recite the speech she'd practiced again and again in her head for the past two hours. "I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have a purpose and I can't keep sitting around here, writing superficial shit and just waiting on you to come home. There's something I can do out there. I know it. It may not have worked out with Ishin Shishi but I know I can still help. I have to find that purpose and I NEED to do something, because I know I couldn't possibly be happy until then."
"How long is that going to take, then?" he asked scathingly. "How long is it going to take for you to do that? You can't expect me to just sit around and put my life on hold for you."
"I know", she whispered. She reached for one of his hands and placed a familiar velvet box onto his palm. He knew what was in it, he saw how bare her left ring finger was, but he refused to acknowledge it.
He chuckled darkly at her, "You're just full of fucking surprises, aren't you?"
"I'm sorry."
"No." he said harshly. "No. You don't get to say that. You don't get to be absolved of anything because of two little words."
"Look, Kenshin, I know this hurts—"
"Then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IT?! If it hurts so fucking much, why do it at all?!" he screamed yet again. He breathed deeply before continuing, "We can fix this, Kaoru. You don't have to leave. Let's—let's talk about it. Please." He held out his hand for hers again, but she stepped away from him. Knowing that touching him won't do them any good at this point. Not when his tears were flowing as freely as hers were.
"We've tried that. For months we've been trying that and it hasn't been working. I don't want us to end up hating each other because every argument gets worse and worse. I don't want us to lose all respect for each other in the end. This—this hurts now, but it'll get better. I know it will."
"Kaoru—", he sobbed brokenly. He walked towards her, and he held her tight and this time she did not move away. She did not have the strength to push him away from her. "It won't. It won't, Kaoru, because you're everything to me. I can't imagine my life without you. I can't lose you, please. Please."
She cried into his chest, trying to quench the searing pain blooming inside her heart. "I—"
Kenshin fell to his knees then, holding onto her as he cried, his voice muffled by her shirt. "Please, Kaoru. I'm begging you, please. Don't leave."
She couldn't help the broken sobs breaking out from her mouth then. She couldn't breathe, and she knew if she stayed for longer than a minute, she wouldn't be able to leave. She knelt along with him, hugging him fiercely as she whispered her countless apologies into his neck and hair.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, just holding each other and crying and trying to get each other to see and to understand what this was doing to them.
She let him go first, and at that moment he knew that he had lost.
He moved away from her, hurt beyond all measure, but forcing himself to at least appear like he had some semblance of control over himself. The phone rang, and for a moment they both just stared at it.
"You should get that", Kaoru said. "It could be Katsura. It could be important."
"I don't care."
"Kenshin—"
"Don't give me a lecture on a better Japan, Kaoru. Right now I don't give a fuck about Japan."
The phone stopped ringing, only to resume doing so after a moment.
The broken lovers stared at each other, both knowing that when duty calls, they will never have another choice but to answer. Their honor and their duty came first. Isn't that what got them here in the first place? Their love for their country, their desire to make a difference?
"Fuck it", Kenshin said as he got up to answer the phone. Kaoru got up then, she grabbed her purse and thought hard about lighting a cigarette. Kami knows she needed one right now. She could hear Kenshin speaking with someone in the background, and she decided against smoking. He always did hate it when she smoked, but when she started doing so five months ago, she didn't care. It reminded her that he didn't control every aspect of her, that there are still some things she can decide for herself without seeking his approval first. It hurt him, she knew, but she also knew that he was aware of how little his pain was compared to the battle that was raging within her.
"Alright. I understand. I'll be there", she heard him say. And with those words, her fate was sealed, her decision fully made. She smiled then, sincerely this time because here was the man that she loved. Here was the man that she fell in love with, this beautiful man who was willing to sacrifice himself and his happiness for the benefit of those around him. Her selfless, beautiful angel.
"I have to go", he said, walking back towards her.
"I know," she said.
"Please, Kaoru. Please be here when I get back. Please wait for me", he begged. She didn't answer him but he still held onto the blind hope that she would.
He kissed her sadly, lovingly, and turned to leave. With one last longing glance before he left, he prayed to every god and deity out there to please, please, let her stay. Make her stay.
When he came back four hours later, he found nothing but the velvet box on top of their coffee table with a note beside it, written on one of the post-its she loved writing on.
I'm sorry.
She left.
Author's Note: I hope this was able to clear up some of the questions from the previous chapter. Obviously, the "he" that both Enishi and Sano mentioned was Kenshin.
Cheers!
