Wait, that worked? Draco thought, as he left the room, having signed the innummerable documents (oh, fine 53) to get hired. Had he been a more demonstrative man, he'd have clicked his heels together and jumped with glee. But Malfoys did not jump for glee, so he settled for an irrepressible smirk, which said to all and sundry, I know something you don't know...

Seriously, he had had nine backup plans for this, each more elaborate than the last. The last one was literally hiring away anyone Granger would consent to hire, and badgering her until she agreed to hire him. And this when he knew she was on a deadline. It would have been perfect. Well, it would have worked, at any rate. No matter that Granger would have been steamed as hell at him.

Besides, it wasn't like he couldn't do the work. Menial labor, he thought. Keeping paperwork organized, general go-for work, and doing the basic welcoming rituals. At that thought he paused, letting the elevator go in the midst of his thoughts. What exactly had she meant by that? For that matter, in what way shape or form did she think he could resemble a gopher? And what work did a gopher do, anyway? Some sort of digging?

Still, this called for a bit of a celebration. Perhaps some ice cream.


Hermione had 500 more things to do tommorrow, because she had cleared her slate for today. But that was okay. Hermione had a Mission: She was off to kill her best friends. They hadn't even as much as told her!

Her eyes crackling, and her hair popping, Hermione Granger stepped into the floo, heading for Harry Potter's house...

Harry and Ron were on the couch, when the floo flared green. Turning their heads towards the fireplace, they only had a split second to see Hermione On The Warpath, before their combat reflexes kicked in, sending both of them sprawling on the floor, using the couch itself as cover. ** Lacking a visible target, Hermione decided to go for verbal assault instead - which was the practical reason why they had dived for cover in the first place.

"Harry! Ron! What the HELL were you bloody thinking? Dropping Draco Malfoy on me, with no warning?! As My Secretary?!"

Ron was foolish enough to think he wouldn't get hurt, after all, Hermione loved him. "Blimey, Hermione, weren't you just saying -"

And then he was flat on his belly, the wordless spell trussing him to the floor in an awkward hogtie.

"You HID this from me! You deliberately sent me into this BLIND. What's more, you ROBBED me of choices!"

From safely behind the couch, the wiser Harry Potter said, "You've still got us!"

"What do you mean?" Hermione hissed, and Harry squirmed closer to the couch, hoping she wouldn't start throwing lightning bolts blind.

"We could do what you need us to do...it's just a couple of weeks..." More like six, but who's counting between friends?

"That's not the POINT! I thought I could count on my FRIENDS to not ambush me. You KNOW what kind of stress I've been under."

"Hermione, I'm sorry, we tried to do what we thought was best..." Ron whined, unsuccessfully.

Harry, having finally gotten his breath back, pulled himself into a low crouch. No need to take chances, after all. "He was the best candidate, Hermione."

"And how was I supposed to know that? you only gave me three! And I KNOW you handpicked the others, because even a blind three legged stoat would be better than the rest!"

"You're exaggerating..." Weasley muttered.

"I HATE Surprises! You KNOW that, or if you were REALLY my friends you'd know that." Hermione said, the wind starting to go out from under her sails.

Weasley shifted uncomfortably, and then Harry did the exact same thing. They both knew what happened after angry Hermione. Particularly when she was mad with both of them. It wasn't pleasant.

Potter tried his best Hermione-voice, "Can you calm down and we'll discuss this like rational people?"

Hermione snapped back, "We could have, had you told me yesterday."

Harry responded, "Still, I'd rather not talk to my two best friends lying flat on my belly in front of the couch. It's rather... unmanly, don't you think?"

Weasley simply studied Hermione, who was starting to take deeper breaths. She was calming down, and not going to pieces... yet. That was good. They had been doing this for her, after all.

Harry smiled and said, "Here, I'll get pizza!" Leaping to his feet as if he hadn't been afraid she'd hex off his anatomy. "What toppings do you want?"

Hermione snapped back, "Extra cheese, and you're paying."

Harry looked a bit confused and asked, "And Ron?"

Hermione responded, "He can have two vegan pizzas. You'll have one with anchovies. Fair's fair." And Hermione curled up on the sofa with her nice new book, and didn't bother untying Ron until the pizza arrived.

**yes, they were in battle. yes, they trained for battle. yes, they know how to dive for cover when a rampaging Hermione appears. Also, they were sort of expecting it.