Chapter 2: Servants of Evil
As Samwise and Gollum whined over what should be considered really yummers to eat with regards to raw or steamed fish, Frodo thought he heard some weird bird calls coming from the trees way ahead. He went to see what was making that loud and odd racket. What he saw was not only weird but was also very alarming: Southron Men armed and walking as if they were headed somewhere.
By this time, Sam and Gollum had noticed Frodo's absence and they ran off to see where he had gone to. They found him lying on a hill looking down at the Southrons.
"Who are they?" asked Sam as Frodo ate some Cheetohs from his pocket.
"Wicked men," uttered Gollum while Sam ordered a pizza from Domino's on his cell phone. "Servants of Sauron. They are called to Mordor. The Dark One is calling all armies to him. It won't be long now. He will soon be ready."
"Ready to do what?" asked a shocked and terrified, yet hungry, Sam. Frodo just continued to look at these evil men and eat his Cheetohs. They wore something black around their mouths and also wore reddish clothing. They were really weird looking and Frodo had to try hard not to laugh at their silly attire. Sam punched Frodo in the face and that made Frodo stop grinning.
"To make his war," claimed Gollum who had just received a text message from some girl he had forgotten to call last Friday night. "The last war that'll cover all the world in shadow." At this, Frodo became quite nervous and told Sam that they had to go now. Sam, however, didn't budge.
"Mr. Frodo, look: an olephant. No one at home'll believe this!" Frodo watched as two olephants became visible below them. All of a sudden, they saw arrows fly from the trees toward the Southrons and Frodo realized that they were not the only ones watching these men.
Gollum had just wandered off at the sound of those weird bird calls because he was afraid it was the ugly girl wanting to know why he hadn't called her since they went out two weeks ago, when all of a sudden BANG! And out popped Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy who had just aparated there. A few Death Eaters were also there having aparated with Snape and Malfoy.
"Holy crap, man!" howled Draco with fury burning in his fiery eyes. "Where the hell have you aparated us to? I knew I shouldn't have trusted you! You are old and….and weird-looking…and not cool like me! Only I can aparate correctly because I have blond hair and look good in these robes! You…you…you suck!" Snape seemed stunned by this but regained himself quickly.
He pointed his wand at Draco's mouth and yelled, "SHUT-UP-EEEO!" A bright orange light zoomed off the tip of his wand and nailed Draco right in the mouth. Then Draco was silent, but still glared at Snape because he liked glaring at people glaringly. Then Snape turned to Gollum and pointed his wand at him. He then yelled, "STUPID-EEEO!" But nothing happened. Snape was shocked. He was confused as to how the spell had not worked on this small creature. Surely he couldn't already be stupid enough that the spell did nothing to him since you can't have negative intelligence. However, it seemed as though it was just that and the creature Gollum was just pretty dumb. Snape glared at Gollum. Gollum stared right back at him, clearly confused as to what was going on but relieved to know that Snape was not that ugly chick. Draco glared at Snape but Snape was already in the middle of glaring at Gollum. Gollum looked at Draco. Draco raised an eyebrow at Gollum. Snape scratched his butt. Both Draco and Gollum turned and looked at Snape with disgusted expressions on their faces.
All of a sudden, Frodo and Sam came running over. So did Faramir and his rangers. And then the pizza delivery guy came out of the woods and gave Samwise his large pizza and 2-liter bottle of Pepsi. Samwise gave the delivery guy an American $20 bill and the delivery guy took the money and gave Sam his change. Sam then turned with his dinner and walked off.
"What?!" raged the angry delivery guy. "Nooo tip?!?!"
"Maybe next time you won't show up late," mumbled an already pizza-filled-mouth Samwise Gamgee. And with that, the delivery guy stormed off back into the woods.
Faramir looked at Frodo. Frodo looked at Gollum. Gollum was still disturbed by Snape's earlier butt-scratching. Snape looked at Faramir. Faramir looked at Snape.
"That's a nice…uh…bow you have there," Snape told Faramir.
"Thanks," replied Faramir. "That's a nice…uh…wand you have there. Where'd you get it?"
"Diagon Alley in London."
"Ahhh, I've never heard of it. Me and my men just came after those two small creatures right there." And he pointed at Frodo and Sam.
"Ahhh, well we just aparated here by mistake." said an embarrassed Snape.
"Ahhh, well this is a little awkward." said an awkward-feeling Faramir. He obviously was just confused by this whole situation and wished to be back in bed with his lovely teddy bear named Stellula. Ahhh, Stellula! What an awesome bear! She was bright neon pink and had two marble eyes and had on a St. Louis Cardinals baseball shirt. Faramir loved that bear. But he also loved the St. Louis Cardinals. He felt they were the greatest team in all of American baseball history. But that is neither here nor there.
Samwise stuffed his face with his large pizza and downed a swig from his 2-liter bottle of Pepsi. Frodo tried to grab a piece of pizza but Sam grabbed Frodo's arm and tore it clean-off and started beating him with it. Faramir turned to his hundreds of rangers and told them to take the two hobbits…er…small creatures and bind their hands. After that had been accomplished a longtime later since Sam was still beating Frodo with his own arm, he turned to Snape, saluted him and said, "You have a small penis."
"Thanks," said Snape. "At least I have one. Good luck with whatever you lonely men are going to be doing with those poor little defenseless creatures here alone in the woods." And with that, Faramir and his rangers gave Snape the finger and then took the two hobbits and walked out of the scene and off of this page. With that done, Snape turned to Gollum and then for the first time spotted an olephant.
"Olephants!!" gasped a really happy Snape overcome with happiness and things of that nature. He turned to Gollum and told him to get the olephants to come over here. Gollum nodded and then ran off toward the olephants. He motioned to the Southrons in charge of the olephants that Snape wanted to see the large creatures and evil-looking and armed men over here. The olephants and Southrons walked over to Snape.
"Yeah," said a bored olephant in olephant-tongue, which would look something like this for 'yeah': ooollleepphantt! "What do you want?" which would look like this: "ollle ollle ollllephant banana?"
Snape somehow knew how to speak olephant-tongue. He said this to the olephants: "I want you to join up with us and fight for the Dark Lord Voldemort." And that would look something like this: "phant phant blah blah blah Mustafa."
Meanwhile, back at the Burrow, our three heroes and one extra were enjoying themselves whilst Mr. and Mrs. Weasley asked them about their adventures.
"Are you alright, dear?" asked a sympathetic Mrs. Weasley to Harry after hearing about the little incident at the Dursley's house on Number 4, Privet Drive.
"Yes, ma'am," said a polite-sounding Harry. "I am glad to be rid of the Dursleys forever." Hermione shot Ron a nasty look at this time since Ron was smiling rather largely wanting to do his impersonation of the butt-faced Dudley. Ginny also kicked Ron in the foot.
"Ouch!" yelled Ron. "Blimey, you kicked me!" So Ron poked Ginny in the eye with his right index finger.
"Ronald Weasley!" bellowed a red-faced Mrs. Weasley. "Don't you ever let me see you do that again!"
"Yes, Mum," muttered Ron gloomily as Ginny rubbed her good eye for absolutely no reason other than the fact that extras forget what they're supposed to be doing when they are not speaking. Hermione chose to utter some brilliant words of wisdom at this point in time.
"I want a red man-thong for Christmas," she beamed. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley gave her stunned looks because they were quite stunned at this unusual statement by a usually brilliant young witch.
"She's gone mad," uttered Ron under his breath to Harry. Harry began to laugh. He thought it was really funny trying to picture Hermione in a red man-thong. Ginny also pictured Hermione in this man-thong and she began to drool at the mouth. But she realized this before anyone else did and stopped the drooling immediately. She then decided to change the subject.
"Hermione wants a red man-thong for Christmas," she beamed. Hmmmm…not exactly what I had thought she would say. Harry looked at her and then closed his eyes. But when he opened them, his wish had not come true: Ginny was still standing right there. It was at this precise time when Fred and George Weasley walked in. They looked at each other. Mr. Weasley looked at Ron. Ron looked at Harry. Harry looked at Harry….I mean Hermione. Hermione looked at George. George looked at Lupin. Lupin then realized he was needed in this scene and ran into the picture. He looked at Tonks, but she was still outside. Lupin wasn't happy. Fred scratched his shoulder. George ate a chocolate frog. Ron started grooming Hermione and licking her hair. Ginny had red hair. Harry wore glasses. Crookshanks began to meow and purr and rubbed up against Harry's leg. Harry grabbed Crookshanks and threw him at the door. Unfortunately, Hedwig had just come in and got nailed by the just-thrown Crookshanks. Both cat and owl hit the door with a THUD and then hit the ground with a SPLAT. Then Harry's cell phone rang and he answered it.
"Hello?" he asked the cell phone.
"Hello, Clarice," chimed the person to Harry.
"I'm not…" Harry began.
"I know what you did last summer," interrupted the low voice.
"So do I," muttered an irritated Harry.
"I'd love to stay and chat longer but I'm having an old friend for dinner. Byyye," said the low voice and he hung up on Harry. Harry was confused by this call. Who knew his cell phone number? And above that, who would think his name was Clarice? Harry was in no way close to Clarice! Harry shuddered to think what that call meant. And then he looked back at all the people in the house who were now looking at him as if he were a complete stranger.
"Jiminy jilickers, Radioactive Man!" cried Hermione.
"Um, Hermione," muffled Ron. "Who the blazes are you talking to?" She then lost her train of thought and stopped talking. So did Ron because he was just really confused by this whole situation. Lupin was crying now because Tonks was twenty feet away and he missed her. Fred and George had left the scene because they were bored. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley got up from their seats and walked away because they too were bored of this scene. Lupin then ran outside towards Tonks and forgot to open the door and slammed right into it. Ginny walked outside because she wanted to play out there or something like that.
So, we leave our three heroes in the Burrow house stunned, quiet, and confused, and instead pay closer attention to our extra: Ginny Weasley. She had wandered outside and had walked a good several miles from the Burrow when she heard something coming from the river that magically appeared there.
"…Get out of the way, Dopey!" called a voice that didn't sound at all British. Ginny moved a bit closer to see where the sound had come from and realized that the voice came from a man with short, blond hair and a hat on that had teeth lined along the top of it. He had a vest that looked scaly, as if it had been the scales of a crocodile or some other large reptile. He was wearing kaki pants and a dirty-looking, blue long-sleeved, button-up shirt. He was holding what looked like a young crocodile. He did some weird humming and finger motion that appeared to have knocked out the young reptile. As he was setting the crocodile down, he caught a glimpse of Ginny. "G'day, mate," he said to her.
"Hu..hu..hullo," uttered a shy Ginny. "Who… who…who are you?" she managed to ask the man who had just been holding a young crocodile.
"Mick Dundee from Australia. How are ya?" asked the new character.
"I'm g-good, I suppose. My name is Ginny Weasley.".…
And now we return to Snape and the olephants…
"Ahhh, Mustafa…wee wee." Olephanted the olephants together triumphantly. "However, we are already working for the Dark Lord Sauron." Or in olephant language: "Black bird singing in the tree."
"I implore you to reconsider." Chimed Snape. Which would look like this: "Little monkeys."
"Ummmmm…ooookay!!" said the olephants in unison, or in olephant words, "Baboons have blue butts!!" So the olephants agreed to work for Voldemort and talked the Southrons to do so too by threatening to trample them in the night if they refused. And so Gollum looked on still confused by the whole situation. Snape saw this and explained to Gollum what was going on like this: "We…ap-ar-at-ed…here…by mistake. We…are taking…the big creatures and…men-like things…with us…to Lord Voldemort." Gollum thought Snape was crazy and looked at him like he was a rather unusual-looking monkey. But nonetheless, Gollum nodded his head and walked away towards the area the rangers had taken the hobbits.
Snape and Malfoy helped the olephants and Southroners aparate to Lord Voldemort and then they too aparated with the Death Eaters to their Dark Lord ruler who ruled them rulingly.
