1000 Gallifreyian Years II: March of the Man-Slut

The exciting new series get off to a bang with... well, with Rose saying goodbye to everyone and then lugging all her stuff onto the TARDIS. Ok, but that leaves the way open for an exciting opening episode when Casanova takes Rose on an exciting trip, further than they've ever gone before, to... a hospital... Luckily we're saved from the tedium of Casanova's current seduction attempt ("Hey Rose, this grass smells like apple... but you smell better. You're better than apples and grass!") by the reappearance of everyone's favourite dead bitchy trampoline (and I mean dead AND bitchy, not just really bitchy): welcome to the stage the Lady Cassandra... and her man-slut. Her creepy little man-slut.

Back on the surface, Casanova is still trying to seduce Rose ("Oh hey, there's a little shop. Not like my shop, which is bigger than average and not a shop. Yeah.") and she is still uninterested, if only because his chat-up lines are terrible. She escapes him by getting in the wrong lift and plunging to her doom while he goes upstairs. Silly Rose.

Casanova arrives upstairs and is greeted by a cat woman, which instantly arouses his suspicion because he thought that Catwoman was a fictional character. Then he gets distracted by the Face of Boe, who is not only an old friend but is probably more easily seduced (what with being Captain Jack and all. Not that we know that yet, obviously, but he's a time-traveller so it's fine).

Meanwhile we find that Rose survived her fall (don't worry, it's only a matter of time...) and has found herself in the completely conspicuous lair of Cassandra, which totally does not have a film of Cassandra's evil plots and lawfully neutral parties. Rose is understandably confused, seeing as the woman was last seen exploding in a shower of CGI, but she uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (she tried to kill me (and she listens to Britney Spears! (but we killed her (she's not dead (just like Jesus... (SHE MUST BE SPACE JESUS!))))) and decides to follow the man-sluts instructions ("Ok, sit in this Deadly Chair of Certain Doom and put on the Lethal Helmet of Instant Destruction... don't worry, they're just names") and promptly finds herself possessed by the trampoline. Silly Rose.

Roseline (get it? Rose/trampoline?) finally makes her way upstairs to find Casanova and the Face of Boe making out (well he's a giant face, that's about as far as they can go), but Casanova's quickly distracted by her arrival and drags her off to a secluded corner to seduce her... and does so quite successfully. Unfortunately their romance is interrupted by a giant frigging door which opens up and lets them into the Secret Cave of Secret Secrets – yep, turns out they're making Soylent Green in this place. And as we all know, Soylent Green is people! Casanova is shocked and slightly turned on by this, so Roseline uses the distraction to push him into a cell and shut the door, before promptly opening all of the cells and completely ruining her own trick. Silly Roseline.

This silly plan also means that the Soylent Greeners are roaming around with no-one to eat them, and that's bad for business, so Casanova gets out his sonic screwdriver (and yes, I mean the actual sonic screwdriver. Even he has priorities) and points it at Roseline, threatening to... well, screw her, presumably, if she doesn't split back into Rose and trampoline again. So she does, and promptly possesses Casanova (thus creating Casaline, which is somewhat inferior to both parties). Casaline proceeds to strut around, completely overacting until some Soylent Greeners break in ("EAT US!") and chase Casaline and Rose away.

Rose uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (Soylent Green is people (Rosebud was his sled (Darth Vader is Luke's father))) and decides that Casanova would be more use without a trampoline in him. As soon as he's free of Casaline, Casanova turns around and quickly seduces the entire hoard of Soylent Greeners, then sends them off to enjoy their lives as a new species (well, it makes as much sense as RTD's ending). And so Casanova leaves with everything sorted...

Oh yeah, Roseline. So – take one Roseline and one creepy man-slut (remember? He hasn't done much but he's still there) and mix until you end up with Rose and a creepy little man-slut trampoline. Add one TARDIS and bring to the past at just under a 5,000,000,000 year boil. Remove the Rose and throw the resulting mixture at a woman at the party, who just so happens to be an untrampolinified version of Lady Cassandra, who promptly kills the creepy little man-slut version of her for being too creepy and man-slutty. And so Casanova leaves with everything sorted...

Oh yeah, the Captain "Face of Boe" Jack. Well, he was sick, but I suppose making out with the Doctor cured him or... something. Good times! And so Casanova leaves with everything sorted...

Oh yeah. He still hasn't successfully seduced Rose. Silly Casanova.