Auditions Part 1

(Sandusky's POV)

"Hello, ladies, gentlemen, and children alike! Welcome to an all-new season of Comics Idol!" I greet the crowd. The cheers almost drown out the theme song.

After it played, I remove my cap (I think I look smart in a Washington State Cougars cap, plus it makes a nice Whoppers holder) and say with a grin, "May I welcome the judges: First to make it here tonight, the fabulous, wonderful, Hammie MacPherson!"

He runs out on the stage and bows, his hair falling all over the place—I knew we shouldn't have had kids as judges, but would the producer and director listen? Nooo. Anyway, the crowd screamed their approval.

"Hey everyone!" he calls. "It's great to be here tonight, and—" "Mr. MacPherson, sir, where should we put the TV?" comes a voice from the back. Hammie looks over his shoulder, and says, "Right next to the lawn chair. Oh, can you tell the director I need more Coke?" I slap my forehead. Figures, the week football season starts, he gets a TV installed.

I looked quickly behind my shoulder, and then cried out, "Next, give it up for Jon Arbuckle!" There was a smattering of applause. "Hi!" he says with a dopey grin as he sits down. "I would have been here earlier but I was counting my arm hairs."

Awkward silence…

"OKAY" I say loudly, "Third, all the way from Missouri*, we have the incredible, beautiful, Susie Derkins!" She smiles shyly as she walks up and waves with the tremendous applause in the background. "Hello, everybody."

As we wait for the last judge to arrive, I say, "How is everyone on this fine August night?"

"RAAAAAAAAH!!" the audience scream. I scratch behind my ear and assume an odd expression. "Well, that's not exactly a state of being, but whatever floats your boat, ya know."

Suddenly from outside there was a screech of car tires and an annoyed voice yelling, "I DON'T CARE, YOU IDIOT, I AM SO NOT PAYING 27 BUCKS FOR A TAXI!! I'M A FREAKIN' COMICS IDOL JUDGE!!"

I smirk. Ah, he's here.

I open my arms wide and say somewhat sarcastically, "Last and yes, he is least, put your hands together for Phoney Bone!"

One or two people clapped and that was it. Phoney grunted and sat down on his chair, moodily chugging his coke. Hammie was watching a game, Jon was counting his leg hairs, and Susie was on a laptop. Things weren't looking so good.

"So!" I called, starting the show, "our first audition is number 5673!" That's a lot of auditions.

A pretty girl that looked about 16 or 17 walked up, smiling. "That's me!"

"And your name?" I ask as I hold out the microphone. "I'm Thorn Harvestar" she announced, "and I'll be singing Show Me What I'm Looking For, by Carolina Liar."

I flick my tail, and the music starts.

Wait, I'm wrong

Should have done better than this

Please, I'll be strong

I'm finding it hard to resist

Save me, I'm lost

Oh Lord I've been waiting for you

I'll pay any cost

Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for

Show me what I'm looking for

Oh Lord

Everyone applauds loudly. Some people whistle and scream.

I hold my hand out to the judges. "Let's put it to our friends here: what'd you think?"

Phoney leans back in his chair and he was about to say something when he got a call on his cell phone. "Hello? Dude, you're in the fifth row! How much are we talking here? $20? Works for me. Okay. Bye." He turns it off and says bluntly, "Well, my cousin thinks you're incredible"—in the fifth row, someone slaps his head loudly, and there's some amused laughter—"but I've heard better. Much better."

The audience boos, and in the front, an old woman stands up, saying threateningly, "One more line like that…" We move on to Susie. "That was…beautiful. My friend, you could very well be the next Comics Idol" she says with a smile. The crowd cheers.

Now Hammie. "Two words: you rock!" he says, both thumbs up. The crowd yells and waves their arms.

I look at Jon with a lump in my throat. "Well, Jon, does Thorn go to the island?" He shrugs. "I like the song, but your voice could use some improvement. If you work, I truly think you could be a wonderful singer. Yes."

The crowds screams fill my ears. I pop in some earplugs as Thorn bows, and say, "Welcome to Hollywood" to her, and I dig around in my hat for the golden ticket. "Here, it's a bit chocolate-stained, but it works!" I give her a thumbs up, she smiles, and strides up the stage.

Next was audition 1527, a teenager named Peter.

We're both looking for something

We've been afraid to find

It's easier to be broken

It's easier to hide

Looking at you, holding my breath

For once in my life, I'm scared to death

I'm taking a chance, letting you inside

I'm feeling alive all over again

As deep as the sky under my skin

Like being in love, she said, for the first time

Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right

Wherever I belong with you tonight

Like being in love, to feel for the first time

He was pretty good, he fit well with Lifehouse music. I wondered if he'd do another, 'cause he went to Hollywood.

The next two auditions were complete crap. I don't even want to think about it, so I'll move on now.

Then Garfield tried out. It was pretty amusing, cause he sang "I'm Fat" by Weird Al, but he didn't get in. I'm a fan of Weird Al, myself. Apparently Phoney, Susie, and Jon are not.

Finally a truly great performace shocked me to the ends of the earth. Zoe, Hammie's sister, rocked the house.

They say they don't trust you, me, we, us

So we'll fall, if we must

Cause it's you, me, and

It's all about, all about

It's all about us, all about us

It's all about, all about us

All about us

There's a theme that they can't touch

Cause you know us

It's all about us, all about us

It's all about, all about us

All about us

Run away if we must

Cause you know us

Even Phoney thought it was great. "Kid, you'll go far. Welcome to Hollywood."

The next few auditions were terrible. Only three had made it so far, and it looked like that was going to be it.

Then we heard Hobbes.

Revvin' up your engine

Listen to her howlin' roar

Metal under tension

Beggin' you to touch and go

Highway to the danger zone

Ride into the danger zone

Headin' into twilight

Spreading out her wings tonight

She got you jumping off the track

And shoving into overdrive

Highway to the danger zone

I'll take you right into the danger zone

Man, I love that song. I think I'll put it on my iPod when I get home.

There were only two more auditions. One of them was some girl who's voice shattered some lights. And the last one made it in with Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down."

Well, I won't back down

No I won't back down

You can stand me up at the gates of hell

But I won't back down

No I'll stand my ground

Won't be turned around

And I'll keep this world from dragging me down

Gonna stand my ground

And I won't back down

(I won't back down)

Hey baby

There ain't no easy way out

(I won't back down)

Hey, I

Will stand my ground

And I won't back down

Everyone loved it, and what made me really happy was that it was my friend Kashmir. "Oi! Sandusky!" he yells as he runs up the stage. "Party at my place! Midnight!"

I grin, and then shout into my microphone, "Times up for auditions tonight, everyone! Be sure to watch us next week, where we're accepting more of you, the public! See you next time on Comics Idol!"

After I closed the show, I walked up behind stage and said to the producer, "I think we did well." He smiled proudly and shook my hand. "No, Sandusky. You did well."

My heart soaring, I left the building and took a taxi over to Kashmir's lounge, wondering if he had eaten all the Whoppers.


So, how'd ya like it? Remember, you can nominate chars and songs in reviews, so listen to some music and read a fave comic, you might find something!

*I keep to my belief that Calvin and Hobbes takes place in Missouri. Take a glance at City Slickers.

Songs were: Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar, First Time by Lifehouse, All About Us by T.A.T.U, Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins (referring to the toboggan/wagon rides from Calvin and Hobbes), and I Won't Back Down by Tom Petty.

Until next time, review and remember the golden rule,

Wolf