A/N: I want to give a quick thanks to my new beta Roz. Your insight completed this chapter :)
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters nor am I affiliated at all with the show Glee.
Warnings: ANGST (you have been warned, twice) and light profanity.
The Confession: Part 2
But I guess Kurt and the world were wrong. I fist at my tired eyes in frustration at how silly I was to believe in such fables. That I still believe in such fables… If only I knew that before I crawled back on my hands and knees to her, groveling like that poor, lab puppy at the dog adoption…
I remember back to the week after I got back from New York. I booked it to Lima, breaking several speeding limits while doing so. I figured missing a few days of class and cheerleading practice was insignificant to being with Brittany. I felt like I was a love sick fool again. Then again, I always have been when it comes to Brittany. I was filled with Kurt's words and his mythical origin of love. I was filled with hope and youth and the will to believe that Brittany and I were made for each other. She was my lost half.
However, there was a nagging in the back of my mind left behind after Christmas. I knew they were together, and the ring certainly scared me when I first saw it. I knew there had to be an explanation though. After forcing Kurt to text Blaine I found out nothing was actually official. It was all I needed to try and win her back. I needed to right my wrongs; to confess my love, again.
From Blaine through Kurt, I found out what their weekly assignment was for Glee club and thought the theme was fitting for my arrival.
Diva.
Cliché and I hate to admit that I am one, but it is true. I figured the Glee kids wouldn't have questioned my reason being there, but the truth was practically plastered to my forehead. In all honesty I couldn't give a fuck about the assignment. All I ever cared about was her.
When I made my appearance at the choir room my face remained transparent. I looked my normal bitchy, confident self as always. My insides were anything but. It felt like I had accidently swallowed a hive of bees for breakfast instead of cereal. The nest was whirring in my chest while the bees flurried around in my stomach and through my veins. My entire being was a buzzing nervous wreck and the only one who could spot my nervous twitching was her. She could see right through me. She cocked her head to the side curiously, her ponytail swaying. Even with her confused look, she made me weak in the knees. I had to smile. I hadn't actually realized that it had been a little over a month since I last saw her. God, it was good to see her…
Everyone was fairly happy to see me, Marley and Will especially so while Finn and Sam not so much. And I had no idea why the hell Puckerman was there, but he engulfed me in a tight squeeze making everyone laugh. But the only reaction I cared about was Brittany's and she just continued to stare back at me slightly perplexed with a weak smile on her lips. It wasn't very reassuring.
I could feel her eyes raking over my body, trying to see what had changed since the last time we had seen each other. I was doing the same to her. I hated that our first interactions had to be from afar.
Will and Finn did their spiel on the lesson, both awkwardly interrupting the other, obviously showing that they didn't know how to share being in charge of Glee. I smirked as I thought they were setting the tone well on how to channel your inner-diva. Those two, after all, may be the two biggest divas in the room. After they gave the assignment, the kids broke off to discuss what they wanted to perform. I was to be the guest celebrity judge, though I felt anything but. I didn't feel special nor wanted. How could I when I couldn't get much more than a crooked scrunch of her lip out of her. I twisted at the silver bracelet we bought together as I tried my hardest to seek out Britt's eyes, but Sam was whispering some stupid impression in her ear making her laugh. I huffed… jealousy was brewing inside me. I could almost hear the bees fly around with more frustration. Before steam came out of my ears, Marley of course had to ask me to show an example of how to be diva or some crap like that… I mentally sighed, knowing that I was bound to sing in front of the Glee club if I went by my plan. Really the only person I wanted to sing to was Britt.
So I did just that. As the music began to play, I wouldn't take my eyes away from where she sat for the entire performance. There was no point in hiding it. I needed to make my full intentions known. It was a power ballad. Full of energy and emotion… only a true diva would be able to do the song justice. During the car ride here, I was choreographing dance moves and trying to integrate some new cheer tricks I had learned from the Cards. But I didn't do any of them. Instead, I took a seat next to the pianist and faced the Glee Club, facing Britt. I simply sang, letting the low notes sink and letting the high notes sky rocket.
As the song progressed, I felt my body turn. It was the oddest sensation. My instincts yearned to communicate with the music. The melody built inside me. It may sound like an odd comparison, but it felt sensual, orgasmic. The only other thing that felt nearly as pleasurable as that was making love to Britt. I needed to communicate to her, needed to tell her everything, but the music was severing the connection. All my emotion, all those words were instead channeling into the notes. Although completely facing the ivory keys now, my eyes were still locked on her. I couldn't tear myself away.
I was locked in between.
She could tell I was fighting. I never realized what it had all meant till right now, analyzing the moment in this damn little library cubicle.
My voice shook the choir room as the song came to a climax. I hadn't really moved from my spot. I didn't try to take control and use stage presence at all. Initially I thought everyone was going to do an awkward clap like how we used to whenever Rachel sang one of her many love confessions to Finn in front of the whole Glee club.
I was wrong.
They were floored. All the kids were so responsive that for a moment I'm sure I looked a little confused, not only with them but with my performance as well. Marley seemed like someone just told her that her mom won a million dollars and Artie looked like he was going to get up to give her a standing ovation. My favorite was Wade who sat there with his mouth in a perfect "o" shape, clapping loudly. Even Sam was giving his big-lipped grin.
But it was her. Her with the sad blue eyes that kept me glued to the piano bench. She didn't really clap, barely even smiled. She just looked… sad. It took everything in me not to run up to her riser and kiss her knuckles gently, asking what I could do to make the past all better. To have our future.
Even though she didn't give much of a response, she was the first to say anything once everyone had quieted down. It was as if they were all waiting for her to do so.
"Santana, that was incredible," she said in her Brittany voice. It was so perfect, but contained an unfamiliar sadness that was emanating from her body language… I tried to read it, tried to find some underlying meaning to her words. But I couldn't. It was the last thing I had expected her to say, but the fact that she said it allowed my muscles to unclench slightly and the bees in my stomach to stop stinging my insides.
"Yes, I think we can all agree with Brittany," Mr. Schue began to say. "You're an entirely different woman than the last time I saw you, Santana."
My eyebrows knitted together at the comment.
"Yah! Santana was really able to bring a different type of snazzy to diva, right guys?" Finn finished and I rolled my eyes.
"What I think Finn is trying to say is that Santana was really able to capture…" that's when I started to drown out their voices. They debated for a good ten minutes about how my performance was a good example of encompassing my inner diva, while the Glee kids zoned out. When enough was enough I was the one who ended up excusing the class. It may or may not have been because I was getting impatient with getting Brittany alone. No one questioned though and, being the anxious divas they were, they zoomed out of the choir room to tend to their insignificant teenage issues.
I lingered by the piano looking over the sheet music I had just sang. She stayed behind too because she seemed to know… she always knows. But he did too, and this time I didn't overlook it. Will and Finn were the last to leave and their huffing and puffing could still be smelt after they left. The pungent odor of their egos infiltrated the room. It was appalling. I guess some things never change.
I leaned against the piano finally facing her. When my eyes landed on her face I smiled. It faltered slightly when I was reminded that Sam still lurked by, shoulder propped against the doorframe of the exit. He had a knowing, observant look about his face. It wasn't defensive or aggressive. He understood and was there if either of us, well mainly Brittany, needed any help.
She finally spoke.
"I didn't know you were coming to Lima."
"I didn't either. I was just following freeway signs and I ended up here."
What I meant to say was that I was following my heart, but I knew that would have sounded cliché and absolutely ridiculous coming from me. And while Brittany wouldn't care, I still had a reputation to uphold since we had a third-party audience. She cocked her head to the side curiously and stood up from her plastic chair.
"Why did you come here, Santana?" she asked coming down the risers, her hands shoved in her coat pockets. It wasn't interrogating, just unsure.
I opened my mouth to respond as she stood just a foot away from me, but then I stopped and glanced over at Sam. He was beginning to look a little uncomfortable. I could tell he was trying hard to remain supportive, but I knew me being back in Lima was making him weary.
"I think you know… but I'd rather explain everything when we're alone," I replied as strongly as I could. I saw a quick crinkle on her brow before it quickly disappeared. I didn't know what it meant.
"He can stay," she said firmly. The firmness of it surprised me and I think it surprised Sam too. He straightened up at his acknowledgement, ready to run to her side like the faithful puppy he was. "He helps me with my locker combination before class."
That used to be my job… I had been replaced. The bees started to sting at my chest again.
"Oh… okay," I say dumbly. "Another time then? I'll be here till the end of the week."
"That's only three days," she frowned.
I nodded, "Games are mandatory to make and it's at home Friday night."
I couldn't help but hear the disappointment, "Okay. Soon."
She was about to turn to leave when I noticed the slightest hesitation. It was a quiver in her right ankle. I'll never forget it. That tiny quiver told me everything. It screamed of all the uncertainty she had at that moment. The regret. The magnetism between us. The magnetism between herself and Sam.
She was locked in between.
All I had to do was quickly link our pinkies and she would have been pulled my way. That's all I needed to do… but I didn't. Instead I decided to be fair and I let her choose. She said I pushed and pulled too hard. I wasn't going to do that anymore. She walked away from me and over to the exit. Over to Sam.
Before the two of them left she called over her shoulder.
"You look nice out of your Cards uniform, Santana."
A grim smile ghosted my lips as I looked down at my normal attire. When I looked back up she was gone.
That was the first awkward day. Unfortunately, as each day dragged on things became even more awkward. I began to notice how weird Glee has become. There had always been drama before: Kurt and Rachel would both be staring at Finn while Finn had his armed wrapped around Quinn who was side glancing at Puck. It was classic Glee. Luckily I always had Britt at my side, whispering how Rachel looked like one of her American Girl Doll's that day in her reindeer sweater, but things were just odd. Blaine was so obviously drooling over Sam's biceps as he would make some big-lipped joke to Britt, while Tina… I had no fucking idea why Tina was laughing at Blaine's every word. If Blaine were to be described in any way, the last word I would use is humorous. The first word I would use is oily. The second would be "the male Rachel Berry". Things had really turned upside down… None of these relationships made sense. They all seemed like a phase, a joke. But it still left me feeling isolated, alone. It was a new generation. One where I no longer belonged. I was awkwardly stuck sitting in on episode two of Finn and Will's meaningless banter.
Not only were the original Glee kids acting strangely, but the new ones were too. They weren't like this when I had come back for Thanksgiving… I figured it must be because it was the month of February when everyone sort of gets loony. Kitty was being more intolerable than normal. With just the slightest gleam in her eye or the pitch in her annoying voice, I could tell when she was scheming some plan to manipulate Marley. And Marley was so gullible… I couldn't for the life of me understand why she needed this bitch's approval. On each occasion I had to tell Kitty to shut up and put her in her place. Puck's black half-brother and the other kid who kinda looked like Sam, but brunette were acting all "bro" to each other when they obviously were in love with the same girl. It wasn't your typical friendship like Puck and Finn who were friends for the sake of being friends. It was like they genuinely hated and cared for each other. I knew something like that was bound to break the object in the middle. Speaking of Marley, she was acting as if we were best friends all of a sudden.
"I thought you and Wade—"
"Unique," she corrected.
"Yeah, whatever. I thought you two were close?"
"We are… but sometimes it's nice talking about boys with someone who's had experience."
"But I'm a lesbian," I told her bluntly.
"Why does that matter? You know what it's like being in a relationship."
"Don't you have an older sister or step sister to ask these questions to?" I inquired randomly.
"I'm an only child."
"Maybe you're more Berry-esque than I thought," I sighed disappointedly.
She frowned and began chewing at the nail of her left ring finger nervously.
"Well, I've always wanted an older sister…"
That's when it hit me. She didn't really have any true friends she was completely comfortable around. She was isolated. I forget how lucky I was being able to be myself around Britt. I could see it now. The way she overstretched the sleeves of her sweater from clenching at them nervously. The way her eyes sporadically jumped from side to side when she thought she said something wrong. The slight chafing of her lower lip, evidence of worrying it too much with her teeth. All the high school drama… All the insecurities… I couldn't believe how much she was reminding me of me in high school… Luckily I had Britt. But who does she have? She needed someone to confide to. She needed someone to listen when she had a confession to make.
I let out a deep breath and tried to control my patience with her sensitivity. If I had to be that person so be it.
"Alright," I finally caved tossing down the sheet music we were supposed to go over for a possible regionals number which would fulfill the diva assignment as well. "Lay it on me, Twiggy."
She beamed and I gave a genuine smile back. It was the first time I felt like I was actually helping someone… I had always been the one who needed help. I never thought I'd be the person a girl like Marley would come to for relationship advice, let alone look up to. It made my cold heart pulsate with a warmth that only Britt could give me. My smile faltered into a weak one at the thought of her. I wish I was spending more time with her, but instead I was listening to Marley's problems with Jake.
"He's not pressuring you into anything, is he?" I interrupted her story, grimacing at the thought.
"No, no! He's a really good guy. I promise."
"Hmph," I grunted in disbelief, "Sorry, hon, it's a natural instinct. I can never trust a Puckerman."
She laughed softly.
"After hanging out with you during Sectionals, you've really helped me embrace who I am. To see that I could love myself regardless of what other people say. You're like one of the most confident people. You know what you want and you're not afraid to go after it even if it has consequences," she complimented me.
She was completely wrong… if only she knew me last year. Marley's tragically, broken face brought me back to reality.
"It's just… I see you," she started cautiously and I raised an inquisitive brow at where she was going with this. "The way you look at Brittany?"
The moment her name left from her lips, my jaw set tensely and my throat closed in. It felt like I had accidently eaten too many breadsticks at Breadstix. It was impossible to breathe or speak properly. My mouth had turned dry as I tried to swallow down the fibrous lump in my throat. I looked down at my boot clad feet, embarrassed by my initial reaction. Marley didn't know how to respond so she quickly finished her thought.
"I know you're in love with her still…" she rushed out.
I immediately recoiled and shot back like an awoken asp, "What's your point?"
"I'm sorry. I just… How did you know you were in love with her? And how did you know she loved you back?"
The first question was easy. The second question I still ask myself every day because it doesn't make sense why she would want to be with someone like me. Beautiful Brittany and spiteful Santana… I knew I didn't deserve her. So I only responded to the first, after I rid the breadstick feeling in my throat. She could tell I was struggling with the topic so she dropped it after that. Thanking me repeatedly. I didn't even know if I was really all that much help, but she seemed grateful enough. I wished I were more help because I could imagine her breaking and she might not be able to recover…
The only moment I was able to interact with Britt that day was when I approved of her song choice for the assignment.
It almost felt like how it used to be in those brief five minutes. I smiled and she laughed when I made a joke about how Finn was looking more like Finnessa in that cute sweater-vest I'm sure he inherited from Mr. Schue's wardrobe from last year. I made her laugh… I made her laugh, not Sam Evans. It felt incredible. I'm sure trouty mouth himself was feeling like a piece of shit sitting in the corner over with Blaine. I didn't care, because it was just me and Britt for five whole minutes. She went on about the number she had strategically planned out, and I doted on her every word.
"I love it, Britt," was all I could say dumbly after her explanation of why she chose Beyoncé over Madonna. She smiled her sad smile at me and I couldn't help myself. I brushed my pinky over hers affectionately as if to give her a quiet sign in the middle of the hectic choir room. She looked up at me, eyes lost and cheeks flushed with love. It made my heart ache.
The moment only lasted a few seconds before she immediately retracted her pinky away from my touch before I could completely intertwine them. It was like someone had taken a chair from underneath me and I was falling embarrassingly to the floor. With a whip of her skirt she turned away from me and faithfully went back up the risers to join Sam. I stood rooted to the spot. Everything she did made the internal battle within me roar on with more ferocity.
That's when I began to question coming back.
