Later that night she found herself on the couch with Remus, wrapped in the blanket they shared. She lay curled on her side, at his side, her head on his shoulder.
He sat reading about werewolves, a volume given to him by Kingsley who somehow "forgot" to return it to the Hogswart library when he attended years ago. The book proved to be very helpful. A few times she read over his shoulder, but it was very small fonted and the light was dim, so she quit all together and just laid at his side where he took in the reading quite clearly in understanding.
She was afraid to close her eyes and sleep in fear that he would leave that night for his mission. He told her he wouldn't do that unless he told her. He told her he didn't want to hurt her and asked her how she could have hurt herself as he examined the bruises on her face. She didn't show him her neck, back and buttocks in fear that he would question too far. She had lied to him when he asked and told him that it happened at work, making an exaggerated story that fit, even though she wasn't at work at all that day.
If she told him it would only be trouble, and she didn't want to fight. It was hard to decide what and what not to bring up because she feared that he would leave again. She told herself time and time again that he would never do that, but he was leaving again and it poked at the tiny, tender bruise on her heart.
She feared the rejection of him so much it made bringing up any part of conflict to light hard. She had to swallow them back down.
She hated to think she was building up resentment, but her thoughts seemed to always want to dip into deep, dark places.
She moved his arm so it was around her and laid her head on his chest, moving the book away.
"How was your day sweetheart?" she asked quietly. The only noise in the room was of the crackle from embers in the fireplace.
He closed the book, sighed and leaned back for a better position with her. He kissed the top of her head. He said, "I don't know anymore, people are just so stupid. When you tell them something they will take the opposite and defend it until their death."
She pointed up at him and he kissed her finger. "You see what I have to deal with daily," she advised just alone hating the topic work and all its problems. Work was meant to be left there, not brought home like she normally had it.
"Denial is a strong thing."
She believed this phrase strongly because of her own denial she dealt with inside herself all the time.
Things became quiet until he said, "I want to tell you now so I can sleep tonight that I am leaving in the morning."
She sat up abruptly; face to face with him and said, "You're just telling me this now." She demanded. She knew the look on her face to be astonishment, but she was mostly shocked and thoughtless because he just sprung the words on her so quickly.
"I know how you get when it comes to things like this. I didn't want it to dwell."
In a very serious voice, one that wasn't shrill or crazy, and with a straight face hiding everything she said, "I don't want you to go."
He inwinded immediately and said, "I don't have a choice."
"Yes you do, don't go," she said defensively. She kept her balled up fists in her lap, having them under the blanket. She didn't want him to see just how mad he was getting her.
"Who else do we have?"
"Someone else. Someone I don't know and love," she defended fitfully.
He gave her a critical eye, "You know that was very selfish."
"I don't want you to leave me again." She had to turn away after saying it. She picked at a hole in the arm of the couch.
There was a strain of silence. It was so tight it seemed to suffocate.
"You will never let that go," he voiced quietly. "I told you I will never hurt you again. I love you and I will always be with you, but honey-"he pulled her into him by her arms until she was right in his lap. She wouldn't look at him, so he took her chin in his hands to face him and pressed his lips to hers.
She returned the kiss forcefully, her arms going around his neck.
He broke away first. "Honey, you have to understand that I have to do this. I want a happy future with you. If I can help in anyway, then I will."
"But what about me? How will I know that you are safe? Where you are?"
"You just have to believe in me, that's all."
She didn't say anything else because she didn't want to fight. She didn't want to break up with her. She didn't want to lose, she didn't want to be alone. At least that's what she kept telling herself.
"When are you leaving?" she whispered.
"Early in the morning," he responded.
"When I'm sleeping?" she asked. She laid down in his lap, her head on the arm of the couch looking away from him, and keeping her head bend so he couldn't see that she started to tear.
"You know I don't like goodbye." He pulled the blanket over the both of them and kissed her cheek a few times. "I love you Tonks, you know I do, with everything of my heart."
She freighted sleep with her eyes closed because she didn't want him to see that she was crying now. She was hurt already, and broken like last time.
She woke up cold and alone. It poked strongly at the bruise on her heart; the feeling of a strong feeling of betrayal.
