CHAPTER 2: CANARD A L'ORANGE
The next evening, Lusamine and Guzma decided to go to dinner. Lusamine wore her Aether Foundation evening gown (which was long and form-fitting with no sleeves and an open back) and long snobby opera gloves. Guzma dressed in the Aether Foundation outfit that Lusamine bought for him. It consisted of a nice shirt, frock coat, and gloves, plus tight pants resembling Lusamine's tights. Lusamine also gave Guzma dress glasses to wear on his head.
"Alright!" said Guzma. "We're going to eat dinner with some rich bitches!"
Lusamine walked in pompously with Guzma in tow.
"Greetings," said Lusamine, "I am Samantha Lucretia Elsa-Mina Gladiola Perlmutter, better known as Lusamine. I am here on this bonne exquisite cruise with my beloved friend, Juan Antonio Guzman."
"Call me Guzma, yo," said Guzma. Guzma gave everyone the finger.
Lusamine laughed as the nobles cringed.
"Who are you?" asked Guzma, approaching one of the guests, an old man dressed in posh clothing.
"I am Sacheverell Egbert Theodoric Walpole-Montagu, 11th Marquess of St. Quenburga," said the man.
"I'm Guzma," said Guzma. "Do you think they have any meatball subs?"
"What is this 'meatball subs' you speak of?" said the marquess.
"It must be prole linguistics," said the marquess' wife.
"Indeed, lovey," said the marquess.
Guzma sat down next to Lusamine.
"The entire menu's in British English," said Guzma.
"It's full of fancy foods that you're not used to," said Lusamine. "There's all sorts of pretentious French cooking. There's also beef wellington, one of the most tres chic dishes in all of bloody England."
"Do you think they have ketchup?" asked Guzma.
Lusamine giggled coquettishly.
"They don't have that there, dearest," she said. "But they do have lots of other sauces, like Sauce Robert, Sauce Africaine, Hollandaise, Chasseur, Lyonnaise, Poivrade, and Espagnole."
Guzma's mouth watered in delight.
"I'm going to order them all!" he said.
Lusamine and Guzma were served the first course of their meal - a bouillabaisse stew. Guzma took a piece of bread, dipped it in the stew, and started to gobble it up with his mouth open.
"Oh, my!" said a woman sitting at the next table. "New money not knowing how to eat properly!"
"Who are you to tell Guzma what to eat?" asked Lusamine.
"I am Lady Phyllida Cornwallis-Peel, 17th Countess of Glastonburgh," said the woman. "And I should know, because I am the author of several books on etiquette!"
"I've heard of you," said Lusamine.
"Your books are boring," said Guzma. "I eat however the fuck I want." He burped loudly.
"You sickening, disgusting pig!" said the countess. "Commoners like him should not have the right to eat on equal footing with aristocrats."
Lusamine and Guzma were later served salad. The aristocrats watched in horror as Guzma used his dinner fork to eat the salad. They were even more horrified when Guzma used all the sauces for his salad.
Eventually, the main course came. Guzma ordered canard a l'orange and Lusamine ordered coq au vin. Both of them were served chardonnay to drink.
"Slap a bib on me and stand back!" said Guzma. "This is the perfect dish for your boy Guzma!"
Guzma used his butter knife to cut up the duck and started to guzzle down his meal.
"Filthy Americans," said a young woman sitting near them. This young woman was Lady Theodora Montagu-Fiennes, a young, conservative debutante.
"Guzma can do as he likes," said Lusamine.
"You're just being racist," said Guzma.
"Racist?" said Theodora. "I'm not racist. All my servants are black."
Guzma stared at Theodora.
"Uh...that is racist, yo," said Guzma.
"You are so tiresome," said Theodora. "You're boring me."
"I think you are the tiresome one," said Lusamine. "You are too snobby for your own good."
Theodora growled.
"Wait until my father hears about this!" she said.
"I hate you," said Lusamine. "Don't worry about a thing, my precious Guzzy-Wuzzy. Those aristocrats have such poor taste."
"I'm not worried, yo," said Guzma. He burped loudly.
After Lusamine and Guzma finished dinner and drunk all their chardonnay, they had a dessert of peach Melba. Once desert was done, the two of them decided to call it a night and go back to their room.
"So long, suckers!" said Guzma, giving two middle fingers to all the aristocrats. He burped loudly and then stomped off. Lusamine giggled as she walked away.
"Those disgusting proles ought to be banned from here," said Theodora. "Filthy lower-class animals."
Guzma and Lusamine went back to their room. Guzma plopped himself on the bed and smiled.
"This cruise is the most bitchin', yo!" said Guzma.
"Although some people need to appreciate fine dining," said Lusamine, "like those stupid snobbish aristocrats."
"It's a free country," said Guzma. "People need to learn respect."
Guzma and Lusamine laughed. Then they groaned as they had so much to eat.
