Atopos - Sorry! I know I'm late for Christmas, but I've been spending a lot of time with my dad lately. I wrote this when he was sick with the flu and I was watching him (somehow he always gives me the best ideas). This one isn't the funniest thing I've ever done, but it goes somewhere! I swear it does! Enjoy!
Standard disclaimer applies.
chapter 2
How do you spend your Saturday afternoons? I spent most of my morning listening to everyone argue over how to decorate the tree. I, of course, believe that I have the best ideas overall, but no one listens to me unless it's worth something. This isn't one of those moments, so I'm watching quietly. Sooner or later, though, they're going to call on me to fix the whole thing since none of them have a holiday bone in their bodies.
"Fuck all you asses then," Hidan-san screams at the rest of us. We've abandoned him to work on the tree practically alone. I can tell he just wants to damn the thing to hell and be done with it. I'm all for that. The thing's staring at me, so I have a feeling it'll go all mass murderer on us.
Hidan-san, the only one brave enough to approach Beastie (the little nickname I have bestowed upon the creature that now lives in the living room of our hideout), steps forward finally and hangs one of his rosaries on a branch of Beastie. It shimmers in the light, and we all get this really odd thought at the same time. This is very uncommon for us. We can look at the same thing and see a million different ways to use it. Like a plunger.
I watch from the couch as Deidara-sempai makes a few small clay ornaments manically and hangs them to other branches. Blowing Beastie up is another great idea. I can just imagine the mess that would cause in the hideout… In a matter of seconds the tree has something resembling each member. I even put some brightly coloured candy wrappers on the tree for my piece. They were going to have candy in them, but I got a little hungry. No one will miss them. If I did leave the candy there, someone else would eat them. That's just the type of thing Hidan-san or Kisame-san would do if they got hungry…or wanted to laugh at me.
Everyone seems so caught up in the decorating that most of them don't notice people disappearing to do their own things. Sir Leader stayed only long enough to see if we weren't destroying everything. Itachi-san also leaves since he thinks we're a bunch of idiots. The only person I find very important vanishes before me as well. Deidara-sempai goes into the kitchen and, as tempted as I am to have fun with the other group members, I figure my sempai must come first.
I decide to follow him. There's nothing worst in the world than listening to so many voices arguing about what colour tinsel should be used. It's kind of like the first time we wanted to paint the main bathroom. It's pink, by the way, and I think Itachi-san was the one who won.
I see sempai in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. It's too early in the morning for him, so he's making some coffee. God, he's hot. How can he be so hot? I wish I was hot, then I could get hot people to like me… I have to stop saying hot.
He looks over his shoulder to give me an odd stare. Maybe he's mad about how many times I just used hot in a sentence. "We have a mission today, un."
My throat tightens and I feel horrified about that. I have this bad feeling about leaving the hideout today. Nonetheless, I don't want Deidara-sempai to be nervous, so I give a pleasant reply. "That's great, sempai! We'll have lots of fun! What are we supposed to do?"
I might not be able to stay so happy if he keeps giving me that desperate, hopeless look. "W-We have to go to Iwagakure, un."
I stare at him for a moment, knowing that he needs that long to recover himself. He knows how bad he looks. Of course, he looks good all the time. It's not exactly fair that I have to walk around with this wild beauty by my side at all times and I'm not allowed to touch him at all. It's the only real crime he ever commits. Besides killing people, and blowing things up, and stealing stuff.
"When do we leave, sempai?" It's all I can really ask on the topic. What else could I say when I knew it might bring tears to my sempai's lovely eyes…or eye, the other one is still covered by his long hair and that eyepiece that shall bring Itachi-san's downfall (Mwahaha). And no I don't mean Sasuke-san has become my sempai's eyepiece. The little bastard.
Do you think if I hugged him at this moment it would be too awkward?
………
It probably would be.
But I wanna do it!
Alright, calm down, it's obvious sempai is looking for some sympathy, which is something I'm not too good with. If I do say something, he'll think I'm patronizing him or making fun of him. I don't want to do that. I did after Sasori-san died, and I got kicked out of the bedroom for a month. Not fun. Sempai always has these creative ways at getting back at others.
"We go tonight, un."
Yeah, sex tonight would be a wonderful idea, sempai. I'm sure it would cheer you up… Even with the mask on, I'm sure he can sense that I'm blushing. Remember how I related our relationship to a leash? Well, sempai has this thing where he can sense how I feel like some animals can. Kind of. He probably knows that I'm blushing, but doesn't say anything.
Deidara-sempai looks back out at the snow rather than look at me. Of course, I feel bad for him; I just don't know what to do. Again, since I don't give a response, Deidara-sempai turns away from me and leaves the room to prepare for the mission.
I look back into the living room to see Kakuzu-san trying to strangle Hidan-san with the garland. They don't need me. The part of Christmas (or any holiday) where we try to kill each other has now become a tradition. Deidara-sempai is usually more at ease during Easter. He puts tiny bombs into the eggs, and…yeah. I can't say the outcome is my favourite. He usually gives me a chocolate egg and I'm always too thrilled to not notice it could be destructive until it's too late.
We all have a few problems. Mine just include accepting every little thing a certain blond, bomb-loving maniac hands over. It's a very normal problem. It's a lot different from Hidan-san's hobby of stabbing himself on the clean carpet or Itachi-san always muttering about how he's going to kill his brother whenever we have steak.
Obviously Deidara-sempai has a few issues about visiting his home village. I don't blame him one bit. If the people there are anything like him, I would be terrified.
… Note to self: bring heavy duty equipment and protection just in case.
This could one of many, many ways. I could get left behind…again. Deidara-sempai could try to kill me…again. Innocent lives could be taken! Again. We might even end up robbing a pancake house! Again. Honestly, there isn't something we haven't done in a village. Except for maybe…
Wow…
Could you imagine going to an unknown village, renting out a hotel room, using a fake name to assure yourself that no one knows who you are, and just…you know…play scrabble all night?
… Naked?
Okay, sure I guess playing scrabble naked would be pretty neat. Then again, I've always wanted to know if there was a 'Dirty Monopoly'. That would be so cool. I wouldn't play, of course, because Tobi is a good boy in public.
"HIDAN, YOU ASS! STOP FUCKING AROUND!"
That just ruins every fantasy I could ever possibly have. I swear that one day Kakuzu-san and Hidan-san will get married under one of Jashin's temples… If such a thing exists. It would be the coolest wedding in the world. There would be so much booze, and sex, and cursing… It would be the exact same way twenty years into the marriage as well! That way they couldn't be disappointed with each other since they already are! I am a genius.
…
I wonder if they would kill me if I told them my idea…
Maybe, but it'd be worth it. Deidara-sempai would definitely laugh at it. It would be funnier than that time I tripped Itachi-san when he was walking down the stair to the basement when it was flooded.
Tobi is a rebel with partially blind people.
Now! I must flee the torture of all Akatsuki members to pack for my special mission with sempai! Maybe I'll even give it a catchy name. Something like…the lovely Deidara-sempai and the powerful Tobi-sama's mission to the land of evil things!
The name might need some work…
tbc...
