So here I was, dreaming away my afternoon when I was suddenly falling. At first, I was dreaming about plowing my girlfriend Kairi but then I started falling. All I could see was black, black, and more black. Then I gently landed on my feet like I had a clue as to what kind of trip I was on. I thought that it was that poupoo shit my mom's brother, Mo, gave me, but then I remembered that I hadn't eaten it in fear of passing out on his lap.
I looked below me and saw some fine as bitch dressed up like she was from a Disney movie or something.
"Don't be afraid," said a voice that sounded too much like Mark Wahlberg for my style.
I took a step forward and I saw something pop up above me with words and buttons to a PlayStation controller. I gave it the finger and kept walking forward until I came to the edge. I heard Marky-Mark's voice again telling me to choose a weapon.
I looked behind me and saw four pedestals. A sword, a shield, a staff, and a dildo each floated on one of the pedestals.
"The sword will give you strength," I heard Mark's voice tell me. "It will give you strength, but will most likely get you killed if you get into a gunfight."
I groaned, irritated with the overly long narrations.
"The staff will give you magic. It will give you magic, but can't help you in a gunfight either."
I nodded in agreement.
"The shield will protect you. It will defend you from gunshots, but you're fucked if you want to hurt someone."
Now, as I look back, I don't understand why anyone would want to fight with a shield instead of the sword. The staff with its blunt end could so some damage, not enough though; but a shield wouldn't do anything. The shield would've been as helpful as a riot shield against a juggernaut on Modern Warfare 3…yes, I knew about that game back in 2002, bitches.
"And the dildo will give you the ability…" There was a pause in Mark's narrations and then he started speaking in a normal tone. "Actually, I don't think the dildo really is meant for anything. Um…" His narration voice came back immediately; "The dildo will give you an everlasting erection that you can use to plow your girlfriend or slap some asshole in the face for staring at your oversized penis while screaming at him, 'Take it like a man…or woman! I don't quite know what you are!'."
I remained emotionless as I reached for the sword. I would've taken the dildo had I realized that the everlasting erection would make it impossible for me to fit into "thousand-zipper" clothes I stole from a Square Enix game that blowed. I think it had something to do with fantasies or something.
The sword disappeared and I fell again. I screamed, "Fuck me!" as I fell for an incredibly long time until I landed face first onto another hot bitch with huge tits.
When I had my bearings again I looked around and I noticed that the sword was still in my hand. Then some black creatures showed up in front of me and I groaned in annoyance at the randomness of my current encounter.
"It's like getting mugged in L.A. again! Black guys everywhere!" Except this time I was the one with the big ass shiv.
So I did the obvious thing that someone in my position would do (being that my position was that I was surrounded by a bunch of skinny black dudes that looked like they wanted to eat me alive).
I stabbed the shit out of each and everyone of those niggers as I had images of a mexican dude tell me that I'm not supposed to use language like that in fanfiction while my mind told his wetback ass to shut the fuck up and go mow my lawn like I paid him to do earlier!
"You know what! Fuck this shit and fuck you Mark Wahlberg! I want out of this shit right now!"
"Fuck you too, you white ass bitch! Here I am trying to get you fuckin' ready to fight through this game plus six more sequels and you're gonna yell at me! Fuck you man! Fuck you! Big Black Bob! Fuck him up!"
I looked at the ground where my shadow was and gasped as it started to grow out of the ground. I let out a squeak of horror as I dropped my sword. Big Black Bob was Big and black alright. I did see the irony of me being tossed around by a black dude after I just stabbed a bunch of them like I was Mexican.
Then I felt surrounded by something black and fluffy and strange and…black and the last thing I heard from Marky-Mark was, "See you in the sequel…bitch."
