Disclaimer: I don't own any of the rights to anything Star Trek. They are the property of CBS/Paramount. I am not making any money off of this. I am playing with the characters and their world for fun only. Thanks.

Here's the next chapter dealing with Archer and Trip's little chat. I hope I stayed true to the characters, while working with my storyline. Please read and review. Thank you so much for those of you that do read and review. It means a lot to me. I try to return the favor whenever I can. Thanks again so much to RadcliffePotter for beta reading for me, even through her series of unfortunate events. Enjoy!

Chapter 2

The Talk

Several times Archer had almost turned around and gone back to his quarters, as he was trying to make his way up to Engineering. It wasn't Trip's shift, but the devoted engineer was pulling a double one. One of the warp nacelles was acting "wonky", as Trip had put it, and he wanted to run some major diagnostics on it. This would be possible since Enterprise was cruising leisurely at one-quarter impulse power to allow the various science teams more time to study the gas giants. Trip had taken a little time off to play basketball, but he had planned to shower and go right back to Engineering afterwards.

The Captain was having second thoughts about having a talk with his best friend. He was torn in two. Part of him wanted someone to share all his bottled up feelings with and get some good advice. But another part of him was worried that Trip would think he was a total ass. Archer was afraid Trip might lose his respect for him. However, the Captain's need to unburden the weight around his heart with a friend's help was winning out.

As the Captain entered Engineering, he started to lose his nerve again. It was disquieting not to hear and feel the gentle thump and beat of the warp engine. It had always been a source of comfort for Archer. He was about to do an about face and leave, when Trip noticed him and then it was too late. "Hi ya, Cap'n," the chief engineer called to him cheerfully in his definitely Southern accent. "What brings ya to my humble domain this late at night?"

Archer had to say something, so he said what he needed to say. "Do you have some time to talk, Trip? I, um, uh, I need to talk to somebody, and you seemed like the best person to talk to." The Captain couldn't meet the commander's eyes as he stammered.

Trip instantly knew something was wrong. He saw it in the Captain's demeanor and heard it in the Captain's voice. His friend was in trouble. This was something new. Jonathan Archer needed to talk to him? Usually it was the other way around. If the Captain needed him, however, Trip would gladly help his captain and best friend. It was kind of flattering to have Jonathan Archer seeking his help. "Sure, Cap'n," he replied and slid down the sides of the ladder from the catwalk above. "I was just about to take a break and grab some pecan pie from the mess hall. Do ya want to join me?" Trip asked as he strode over to his friend.

Archer appreciated Trip's subtleness and causal manner. This was not a situation that needed any unwanted attention. "That sounds great, Trip. Thanks," he answered. The two men headed back out of Engineering and down the hall, heading in the direction of the turbolift to take them down a deck to the mess hall. "I'm sorry if this is bad timing," Archer then said to Trip.

"I was really gonna take a break, Cap'n," Trip told Archer honestly. "I've been at it for hours now and still haven't found the problem. I need to step away and come back with fresh eyes." Trip glanced at the Captain with a little concern. Archer seemed very agitated, scared even. The chief engineer had learned a long time ago how to read his friend. He hadn't seen Jonathan Archer like this for quite a while and it worried him. What was wrong?

"We're technically off duty, Trip. You can call me Jon right now," Archer commented softly. His resolve was failing him once again. He wanted to bolt back down the hall in the opposite direction.

"What's goin' on, Jon?" Trip now asked, getting straight to the point. The commander never failed to speak his mind. That was one thing Archer really liked about the man. A person always knew where he stood with Trip. "I can tell somethin's really botherin' you. What's wrong?"

The Captain decided to start at the beginning and work up to his confession later. He would tell Trip about Tom's death first. "I received a message from Fergus Donnelly this evening," Archer finally said.

Trip was visibly startled by this piece of news. It wasn't what he had been expecting the Captain to say. "You got a message from 'Old Ironsides', huh?" Trip asked jokingly, trying to ease his friend's discomfort. The chief engineer had given Fergus that nickname years ago because once the Irishmen had made up his mind about something there was no changing it. He was one tough egg to crack. He handled all kinds of pressures well and took problems in their stride. "What does that Irish devil have to say?"

Archer couldn't help but smile, at least just a little bit. Trip had a way with words sometimes. "Unfortunately it wasn't good news, Trip," the Captain said still being evasive.

"Something hasn't happened to Mai has it?" Trip suddenly asked, panic creeping into his voice. If something awful had happened to Fergus' little sister that would explain what was the matter with his captain. It was an event that would really disturb Trip too. That girl was just an outstanding person and a loyal friend of Trip's as well as the Captain's.

The Captain breathed a sigh of relief that Trip's mind had instantly gone the same place that his had when Hoshi had first informed him of the message from Fergus. Maybe he wasn't as preoccupied with her as he had originally thought. "No, it's not Mai," Archer replied somberly. "It's -----," but Trip didn't let the Captain finish his sentence.

"It's Tom, huh?" the chief engineer interrupted Archer's explanation.

"Yeah." The Captain's voice was a whisper now. "He was killed in action about five weeks ago." The duo had now reached the turbolift and set it to go down to E deck where mess hall was located. As the doors closed Archer's body posture sagged with the burden he was carrying. He continued to tell Trip everything Fergus has said in his message. He told the commander about the funeral being closed casket; that Tom had been killed defending cargo haulers in the line of duty; and that Mai was not taking her husband's death well. Then Archer got to the part about Fergus' request to see if he could get Mai's MACO unit transferred to Enterprise.

By this time they had entered the mess hall and Trip had already claimed a piece of his beloved pecan pie. Archer had only grabbed a small cup of black coffee. "That would be a great idea, Jon," Trip said full of genuine enthusiasm. The commander would really enjoy seeing Mai again. She had a way of lighting up an entire room by just walking into it. "Bein' away from what happened and bein' among old friends might be just what she needs."

The Captain had been afraid that Trip would react that way. Of course the chief engineer would like to see Mai again. She had that effect on everybody. But for Archer it wouldn't be that easy. Under any other circumstances he would be jumping up and down to see Mai, but now because of Tom's death and the guilt he felt about it, seeing Mai again might be down right painful. The Captain wanted to be there for her and help her as Fergus wanted, but he didn't know if he could. The two friends seated themselves at a table towards the back of the mess hall for some privacy. There was hardly anyone in the large room anyway at this time of night, but Archer wanted as much seclusion as possible.

The long and drawn out silence from Archer didn't go unnoticed by Trip. He gently broke the uncomfortable quiet. "I take it you don't think havin' Mai aboard Enterprise is such a hot idea?" the commander half stated, half asked.

The Captain continued to stare into his coffee as if it were the most interesting thing in the galaxy. He couldn't make himself look at Trip at all. He had lost his voice too. "Cap'n - Jon -," Trip quickly corrected himself, "what is it? Why's the cat got your tongue all of a sudden?" The chief engineer's question brought a brief smile to his friend's face, but it was gone almost as soon as it had appeared.

"I don't even know where to start, Trip," Archer spoke hoarsely and softly. "I have so much I need to talk about, but I can't bring myself to begin." His eyes didn't leave his mug.

Trip sat back a little. Obviously this was something very serious and something very troubling to his friend. Trip needed to give him time and help the Captain so that he could feel secure in speaking his mind. The commander was trying to work out in his own mind why Archer wouldn't want to see Mai again, or why he wouldn't want her assigned to the Enterprise. The Captain and Mai had been great friends. They could even finish each others sentences they were so close. She and Trip had been close, but not that close. Mai and Archer also had so much in common with each other. They had the same tastes in everything from music to hobbies to food. What could have happened in the last few years to change that?

Then it hit Trip like a ton of bricks. Mai had married Tom, and Trip knew Archer didn't like Tom or how he behaved. He annoyed the hell out of Trip too, but for Mai's sake they had all embraced the egotistical, little brat. The Captain had never approved of Mai's choice of a husband and it had pushed them apart. Branson had been the reason Mai left Starfleet, something the chief engineer knew bugged his friend to no end. It had pissed Trip off too. Trip realized that Archer hadn't ever said anything to Mai about his reservations about Tom's character, for friendship's sake, but Archer had let his disapproval push him away from Mai.

Now Tom was dead. Maybe the Captain was regretting his grudge against the young MACO. Maybe the Captain didn't know what to say to Mai after all this time. "Jon," Trip broke the heavy silence again by reverently saying the Captain's name. "Don't you want to see Mai again? Are you still mad at her for marrying Tom in the first place?" Trip was direct, but he tried to do it tactfully.

Archer finally looked up from his coffee cup. Trip had never seen the look of total and pure despair in the Captain's eyes which he saw there now. It caused his own throat to tighten and he had to swallow the lump that formed there. "I was never mad at Mai, Trip," Archer replied harshly. "And I would do almost anything to see her again, but---," he broke off unable to finish.

What was going on? Trip had never seen Archer like this. He was always so sure of himself, so confident, so in control. He wasn't now. "But what?" Trip demanded.

"This was a mistake," the Captain said suddenly switching gears. "I shouldn't have bothered you." He made to stand. Trip's strong hand clamped onto his shoulder and held him in his seat.

"Hold on a minute," Trip told his friend firmly. "You obviously really need to talk or you wouldn't be here. You need to get out whatever it is that's eatin' at ya or you're gonna go nuts. I'm willin' to listen. I'm here to help you, but you have to let me. Just spit it out."

Archer thought about fighting Trip off and sprinting for the door and down the hall, but he knew that would be foolish and do him no good. He had to face this sooner or later. Trip would be sympathetic. But it was so hard to confess what he had been hiding for so long. The chief engineer had partly realized what was wrong, but not fully. Trip remembered that he had never thought well of Tom Branson, but his friend didn't know the real reason why.

"I have something to confess, Trip," Archer said, his voice barely a whisper, but Trip heard him. "It's something I didn't plan for and I am very ashamed of, but it needs to be said. I haven't ever told anyone what I'm about to tell you." The Captain stopped and gave Trip a cursory glance to try and gauge his friend's reaction.

Trip's handsome face had grown very thoughtful. His bright, blue eyes were still trying to find Archer's. "Okay," the chief engineer replied slowly. "I'm listenin'. And it won't go beyond this table." He removed his hand from the Captain's shoulder and sat back in his seat across from his friend.

"You'll probably hate me when I'm finished, but at least hear me out," the Captain pleaded. Trip just looked at him expectantly, his face now appearing open and attentive. What could possibly make him hate Jonathan Archer? Trip couldn't come up with a single thing. Archer finally chose to dive in and go for it. "I wasn't angry with Mai for marrying Tom because Tom influenced her to leave Starfleet or because I believed Tom was not ideal husband material. Sure those things were and are true, but the stemmed from something larger." Here he paused, taking a deep breath, and at last he met Trip's eyes with his own hazel-green ones. "I didn't want Mai to marry Tom because I was in love with her, Trip. And…I still am deeply and undeniably in love with her." There, he had actually said the words. He felt the blood rush to his face, felt its warmth, and knew his cheeks were a bright shade of red as he finished.

To the chief engineer's credit he didn't let his jaw drop open. He forced his face to remain passive as he took in Archer's words and their meaning. Jonathan Archer had been in love with Mai, like romantic, passionate, love? The Captain had never acted in word or deed to portray himself as anything more than Mai's best friend and counselor. But on some unconscious level, Archer's admission made sense. There had been subtle indications of Archer's affection for Mai, but Trip had always either misinterpreted them or assumed that they meant something else. The Captain's animosity towards Tom and his heartbreak at her leaving Starfleet took on a whole new context for Trip. He couldn't believe he hadn't recognized what was happening to his friend. All the signs had been there, but Archer never once stepped out of bounds or acted out of character in any of his conduct, so Trip had missed them.

The Captain wasn't finished with his confession. "What I have to say next is what's going to make you hate me, Trip," Archer explained and held up his hand to stop whatever Trip's argument was going to be. "For six years I've had this…dark desire… that something bad would happen to Tom, so that Mai could be mine for the taking. I've wished for it, fantasized about it, and yearned for it. I let Mai marry Tom out of my own weakness and inability to let her know how I felt. I thought I could be the bigger man and let her make her own choice.

"Well, I have learned since then that I can't be the bigger man. I am full of envy, jealousy, and a lot of anger. I hated Tom and I wanted him dead. I don't know how or why I let myself indulge in such horrible thoughts, but from time to time I do. Now Tom is really dead and I can't face Mai because of the evil and misguided feelings and attitudes I've nursed all these years." He stopped and dropped his eyes back to his coffee mug again. His face literally burned with embarrassment and vulnerability. He now waited for whatever Trip's reaction was going to be. He braced himself for a maelstrom of revulsion and repugnance to hit him. The Captain's hands had started to shake, so he set his coffee cup down on the table. Then he leaned back in his chair, away from Trip.

Trip didn't keep him waiting long, but his reaction wasn't the one Archer was expecting. "Oh, boy, Jon," the commander said softly as he blew out a large amount of air. He leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table and folding his arms in front of him. "This is the first time that you've told anybody about this, about how you feel?" At Archer's curt nod Trip continued. "You've never told Mai about this either?" Trip couldn't believe what he was hearing. Jonathan Archer did have weaknesses after all. He knew that everyone had some kind of weakness, but he had never yet, in all their years of friendship, seen Archer's weakness. And who would've thought it would be over a woman as well.

"No," was the one word whisper the chief engineer got in response to his question.

"Well, why the hell not?" That was the only next question Trip could think to ask, which he asked very incredulously.

Archer seemed to cringe and he looked at the floor now. "I've been wondering that myself for years. I think I didn't want to scare her away. She was such a good friend that I didn't want to ruin the close relationship we did have if she didn't feel the same way. I was afraid she wouldn't look at me the same or treat me the same if she knew how I really felt. I didn't what to screw things up," the Captain answered quietly.

"But how do ya know she didn't feel the same way?" Trip questioned gently.

"She married Tom didn't she?" Archer came back at Trip with a question of his own. It came out more forcefully than he had intended it to.

"Only cause you never said anythin' to her about how ya felt," Trip told his friend honestly. "You never once tried to stop her or talk her out of marryin' Tom that I know of."

The Captain's head snapped up and his eyes flashed with a smoldering fury. "I couldn't, Trip. It wasn't my place. Mai seemed so happy that Tom was marrying her. It was all she talked about. Her face lit up every time she mentioned him. And after what happened up at Monroe's cabin, it was pretty clear what her choice was."

Trip sat back in his chair again. He was really confused now. The excursion up to Colonel Jeffery Monroe's cabin had been over six years ago, a whole year before Enterprise made its way into space. It was right after Archer was promoted to captain and right when Tom had asked Mai to marry him. In fact, if Trip remembered correctly, it was on that outing that Mai and Tom had announced their engagement. The commander wasn't aware of anything happening between Archer and Mai that would make his friend clam up in such an extreme manner.

The trip had been really fun, a blast even, as the chief engineer recalled. It had been partly a Christmas vacation and partly an extreme conditions survival training exercise. Colonel Monroe had always liked to be practical and recreational at the same time. His was a MACO commander that worked well with both MACO and Starfleet personnel. He got along with both divisions and had been commissioned to train both groups in the skills they would need to survive in life and death situations. He was a hard ass, but after that he was very likeable.

The cabin had been located deep within the Sierra Nevada range, on the California side, near Kings Canyon National Park, east of Fresno. The high peaks were isolated and perfect for roughing it. The Colonel had also refused to furnish the cabin with many of the technological advances that Trip and his friends had come to depend upon. The Colonel liked to do things the old-fashioned way. Even a convenience like electricity was only used at a bare minimum. Kerosene lamps and a fire place with a huge hearth were preferred over electric powered heaters and lights. The group had included Archer, Trip, Mai, Tom, A.G Robinson, a young female ensign named Diana Bradford, and a young MACO corporal named Ellen Bates. There were eight of them if you counted the Colonel.

"What happened up at Colonel Monroe's cabin?" Trip queried. "I thought that was a great trip. We all passed with flyin' colors and then had fun celebratin' Christmas. As I recall, you and Mai performed the best out of alla us. You both have that drive to excel in everythin' ya do. In fact, didn't you guys find the cabin first, before all the resta us?" As the question came out of Trip's mouth, realization dawned on him. "Yeah, you guys had teamed up and beat us all to the cabin. You located it in the middle of a blizzard with no map and no compass. I never knew how ya guys managed to do that so quickly. You must've of made it there hours before we did. Is that when whatever happened, happened?"

Leave it to Trip to work it all out. At the time Mai and Archer had convinced everyone that they just prepped the cabin, heating it, cooking a meal, lighting it up, while they waited for everyone else. The Captain wondered if Trip would remember the rest. Sure enough, the commander did. "And hadn't one or botha ya either fallen through some ice or into the river and gotten soakin' wet? The Colonel had all our luggage and no spare clothin' in the cabin so you guys hadta strip outta your wet clothes and use blankets and towels to get dry and stay warm," Trip expounded his memory.

Now that Trip thought about it, those were very seductive and tempting conditions for Archer if he had been that much in love with Mai. At the time it had seemed a harmless situation because no one had ever suspected that the two were more than friends. "What exactly happened up there, Jon? What went on between you and Mai? It had to be somethin' big for you to be feelin' this way, but then again, she did still marry Tom. Can't you tell me what it was?" Trip asked as humbly as he could.

Archer had frozen as Trip put everything together. Something that could have been wonderful had happened between he and Mai, but for some reason Fate decided to ruin it all. And it was all because he hadn't had the courage to say anything or take any kind of action. The Captain felt the anguish over the whole situation hit him anew. Damn it! He was not going to cry, but the tears were forming anyway. "Jon," Trip prompted when Archer remained silent.

The Captain leaned forward and covered his face with his hands. "You really don't want to hear all this do you, Trip?" Archer mumbled through his hands.

"Hey, what're friends for?" Trip gently chided. "Of course I wanna hear it all. I need hear it all to understand what happened so I can help you deal with it. I'm sorry I didn't realize any of this before. I feel like I've let you down or somethin'."

Those comments caused Archer to remove his hands from his face and look at the chief engineer. "You've never let me down, Trip. We've both made mistakes, but at least you learn from yours, even from that tragic Cogenitor incident. You couldn't have known about any of this. I purposely hid it from everyone, even, I suppose, myself at times. I thought I had gotten it out of my system these last few years with all the missions and the crises we've gotten involved in. They were a good distraction, but not a solution. I still haven't dealt with what's truly in my heart. I'm not the leader everyone thinks I am. I'm a hypocrite in so many ways." The Captain's voice was tremulous and a few tears trailed down his cheeks. He wiped them away, more embarrassed than ever.

"No you're not, Jon," Trip immediately responded. "You're a human bein'. You have faults and flaws like everyone else. Just cause you're a starship captain you're not infallible, nor should you be. I'm actually glad to see this side of you. It's reassurin'. Nobody's perfect, Jon, nobody. You have weaknesses to overcome, but so do I. So do people like Malcolm and Hoshi."

The Captain appreciated Trip's attempt to make him feel better, but he wouldn't have it. "But as a starship captain, I have to be an example. Wishing somebody was dead, so you can steal his girl, is not setting a good example. My thoughts and actions need to be united with each other, if others are depending upon me," he tried to explain.

"That's true in some regards," Trip acknowledged, but added his two cents in. "But even good people have internal struggles, demons to wrestle with. Hell, even Vulcans do too." Trip was referring to T'Pol's brief addiction to Trellium and how unstable it made her ability to control her emotions. She had overcome the addiction to the substance, but she was still trying to come to terms with the new intensity of her emotions and her difficulties in suppressing them like other Vulcans could. "What I'm tryin' to say is, don't be so hard on yourself. Let's help you come to terms with all this so you can move on properly. Then you can work on bein' an example again. Tell me what happened up at the cabin," Trip said a little more forcefully this time.

"Alright, Trip," the Captain let himself cave into the earnest request. If he was going to be able to move passed what he was feeling, he needed to confess everything. "I'll tell you what happened."

TBC

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