A/N: about Hao missing Yoh. Continuation of Amy's Song - "In Five Hundred Years" but this time, its inspired by "Sooner or Later - Soren's Song" by Switchfoot.
Sooner or Later – A Better Future.
Come back and haunt me
Follow me home
Give me a motive
Swallow me whole
Cold.
I had forgotten what it felt like to be cold, but now, with the air thick with the iciness that comes with winter, I remembered how unpleasant the cold could be. It reminded me of the days after mother had died and before I had met Ohachiyo.
Cold and lonely days.
I have never forgotten what it is like to feel lonely though. Its a feeling that never leaves, it's a voice in the back of my mind, always there, always whispering and reminding me that there's no one else but me. It's even worse right now, with no one else's thoughts intruding my mind, with nothing but the sound of the wind blowing by.
The whispers of that voice are stronger than ever. Without any other sound to distract me, i'm reminded that I am alone in this life. It haunts me.
I have been wandering for many months now after I had come to accept my defeat. But why am I wandering is beyond me. There just didn't seem to be any point in living this life anymore. After all, with my loss and the Shaman Fight over, there would be nothing that I could do. Perhaps I could gather more followers, but that wasn't necessary. The only option left would be to die and wait for the next time I would reincarnated myself, when the next fight started again...
So why am I still here?
Something inside myself responded to that question. It was the source of the voices in my head. The voices that never let me forget that I was alone began to say something else, something that I had long forgotten, and that I subconsciously acted upon during the Shaman Fight.
"fill the void... The emptiness..."
Yoh.
The hole that was created when Yoh and I had separated from one another. This was the source of all my loneliness, or rather, this was the hole in the dam I had built to keep all these emotions back. Thinking back on it now, I want Yoh back, but not... Not just so that I can fill the hole.
Ah, so that was it. My reason for still being alive. I didn't want to leave this world without my other half. I wanted to be whole again. But is this enough of a motive to keep me alive for much longer?
Either I will eventually die of natural causes here, or I will die when I feel overwhelmed by the emptiness. Slowly, I can feel the walls that I built up break, cracks appearing and further weakening my emotional barriers. The loneliness is so overwhelming, I feel like I'm going to drown in it if this mental dam breaks. Like the waves of the ocean, it'll swallow me whole.
They way I've lost it
What could I know
When I'm but a mockery?
I'm so stupid. I thought that... That casting aside my feelings and other weaknesses would make me stronger, but it's only given me another weakness. I pushed away my other self, the part of me that I thought was weak, but... Yoh's become quite strong now.
It doesn't matter. I've lost him now; my weakness; my other self.
But how could I have known? I was such a fool, thinking only about revenge on humans. My mind was not clear and now i have lost something that was more dear to me than anything else in the world.
I'm stupid. I'm a fool. I'm so pitiful that it's laughable. See, I'm even mocking myself. This is how pathetic I've become.
A cold, lonely fool. That's what I am... I'm so alone.
Sooner of later you'll find out
There's a hole in the wall
Sooner or later, I'm going to die. Sooner or later, this dam's going to break.
Sooner or later, I'll drown in my sorrows.
Sooner or later... This hole... Will break me.
Today is ours
Condemned to be free
Free to keep breathing
Free to believe
And yet I still hope that I can be one again. What a hopeless thought. My other self is not mine anymore, he... Yoh is out of my jurisdiction. I cannot control him, and he is unwilling to be by my side.
That single mistake of casting away my weaker self has made my endless life even more unbearable. The pain, doubled.
I've condemned myself to something worse than hell, worse than purgatory... I've condemned myself to life, to live forever and bear the burdens of an endless life.
I will die, only to be reborn, knowing of all that was done in my previously life. Knowing that history will repeat itself and that man will kill himself.
And I will have to watch it all happen again and again.
I sigh, hoping... Praying that I may one day, in a future life, find a way to die. Permanently.
At the very least, I can hope for that, right?
I look to find you
Down on my knees
Oh God, I believe!
Please help me believe
What am I doing?
I've left the cold plains that I had been wandering in previously and I have begun to head elsewhere, But where am I going? Where am I headed? Why am I wandering?
So many questions. I want answers, but... Somehow, I know that the answers I want are...
Well, I have some vague idea as to where i am going. I just don't know for sure yet, not until I get there anyway.
What I'm looking for, or I think I'm looking for... Is my twin.
I notice that I have been walking for a very long time now. I... I think I've found my way to somewhere in Asia, further confirming my suspicions of my unconscious actions.
Oh Great Spirit. This place is familiar... I... I want to see him, my other half, my other self, my twin...
Yoh.
Please, let me find him. Let him be there when I reach his home. Let him accept me when, when I have casted him aside. Let me at least hope for this.
Sooner or later they'll find out
There's a hole in the wall
Sooner or later you'll find out
That you'll dream to be that small
It's so close... But... I... Why am I hesitating?
There's absolutely no doubt that I want to see my other half, but here I am, acting like a scared little child. What am I afraid of? Of looking like I have lost everything? Of embarrassment? Of my weakness? Of... The hole growing bigger?
What's the point in fearing those things? Sooner or later, he will find out, and then, so will his friends.
It's only a matter of time before they find all these things out. Better sooner than later, right?
I'm a believer, help me believe
And yet, I still fear all thus petty things. I want to believe that maybe, just maybe Yoh will accept me anyway, even after my horrible deeds.
And I'm... This is a stretch... I want his friends to accept me too. The loneliness inside, the voices have grown so much, the whole time I was walking towards this place. I began to feel jealous of my other half, and that only made it worse. I just want to see what it's like to be liked by others like my other half is.
I want to believe that Yoh and his friends will accept me. I really hope they do.
I think... Yoh might just understand. But his friends are a different matter altogether.
All I can do is hope.
I gave it all away and lost who I am
I threw it all away
With everything to gain
And I'm taking the leap
With dreams of shrinking
Yeah, dreams of shrinking
And now, at the very last minute, I chicken out. My feet are moving again, except this time, away from the place that my other self calls home. I'm walking quite fast, trying to get as far away as possible.
I don't know why I tries so hard to work up the courage to come here, and why I got my hopes up, just to run away, but I did. And it's not Yoh or his friend's fault, but i feel disappointed now. Not in them, but at myself.
Though, a little part of me is disappointed that Yoh didn't think to come find me. Maybe he really doesn't care after all.
But this is what I get for throwing him away like I did. Casting him from myself when we were born, and now I have lost part of myself - an important part of myself that I thought was a weakness.
It's my fault that this happened. I'm only getting what I deserve now.
I have nothing else left for me in this life. I should just go and find a place to fade away and wait for the next Shaman Fight instead of trying to fill this void in myself.
I will cross over to the underworld and wait. I will endure this loneliness for another five hundred years and hopefully then, my dreams will be fulfilled.
Until then, all I can do is hope for acceptance and dream for a better future.
A/N: this did not turn out the way I wanted to. But it's still nice, and I like this one too. I might rewrite this some other time though.
