River meandered along, tracing the scars on Serenity's walls. There had once been so much pain within this metal womb. When she had first arrived aboard this ship, the pain had scared her, overwhelmed her because it was mixed with so many other things she didn't recognise. Or emotions that she did, but hadn't felt for so long they had faded into a misty shadow.
Like passion. Passion was a new one. The first time she had felt Wash and Zoe's burning passion, booming through the walls, she had screamed. She didn't know what to do with it; it overflowed and flooded, sweeping her away. Simon hadn't understood. Simon had just held her, whispering comforting brotherly words that didn't mean anything. Slowly, it had faded till it was hot embers and she'd entered her own senses again. At least, she entered what senses weren't overwhelmed with Miranda's secret...
The next time she'd felt it, she had managed to hold on, not get swept away. It filled her, but it didn't flood. She had time to examine it, to discover it brilliant red glow, getting brighter and brighter till it exploded. She knew about the little life, the little glow, before the thought had even occurred to Zoe.
Grief wasn't a new emotion. She knew grief, Serenity knew grief. Before Zoe had fallen into its black arms, the captain had been a cracking dam of it. He struggled, hiding it all behind a concrete facade. It was a good mask; nobody else saw through it. Not until Inara. So his pounding grief was tempered with something new when River came. She was glad. She wondered if she would have been able to take it on top of Miranda's toxic secret. When Mal was grieving for Wash and Book, his sorrow only added to Serenity's. He may have lost a pilot and a preacher, but Wash and Book were Serenity's own. Their family and her crew.
Blinding optimism had bounded into River senses, a shadowy feeling she only half recalled from a distant memory. It was pure, brilliant yellow and it rebounded around Kaylee like a halo. It should have balanced out all the bad, all the darkness, but it didn't. Sometimes, it only made it worse. Like a creature kept in the dark, River had become accustomed to it. Suddenly thrust into such dazzling joy hurt. She burned her like the sun. River avoided Kaylee at first, only taking little bits at a time from faraway; building up a resistance.
Even anger had been exploding in sudden balls of white-hot orange, before Miranda. Jayne was angry at the world. Mal was angry at his God. Inara, angry at Mal for cracking her icy masquerade. Simon, raging quietly at the Alliance for taking his little sister from him, taking her where he couldn't get her back whole. Even Book, the gentle Sheppard, was angry; angry at the nameless, faceless faction who didn't exist.
There had been secrets aboard Serenity, stirred like sand in this murky water of a thousand emotions. Every feeling she Read shot through her, leaving little pieces behind, until all she was, was the grief, the rage, the passion, the joy. All the fears, all the loving and the love, all the hate, became a part of her.
Facing Miranda had been a kind of surgery. It had hurt, but ultimately it saved her life. It had been a festering wound in her mind, something had to be done. They cut off the rotten flesh with a hot knife, and then set about sewing her back up again. After the dust cleared, it was only a matter of drawing out the poison that remained. Which hadn't been easy, but it had been worth it.
She found Jayne sitting in the galley with the brood, playing cards. There was a pile of scrawled on paper in the middle of the floor. Shaui-Dan and Tai-Ao were sitting together; River's niece and nephew. There was young Washburn Alleyne, flipping a switch blade back and forth between his fingers, half his concentrating on his hand. Independence and Book Reynolds, also sitting together, Book watching over his little brother's shoulder as Independence played. They were playing cards. There was a pile of paper in the middle of the floor and River frowned.
"You're corrupting them again" she said softly. Jayne looked up, started, then grinned.
"Aw, c'mon Crazy. Ain't play for keeps or nothin'"
They all looking up, pleading with her not to tell Mal, who would throw an absolute tantrum at all of them. It would hurt her head. So instead, River smiled and put a finger to her lips. They all grinned in reply, and Inde giggled.
Secrets. There were some that were the good sort.
Stepping carefully around the bets, River settled herself between Jayne's spread legs to watch the game. Her eyes were closing sleepily, lulled by their voices and the occasional hand that Jayne ran through her hair, absent-mindedly.
