Thank you for staying with me, people. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but let's just see, yeh? If anything, feel free to point out flaws or not, bring in suggestions.
Also: Well, this chapter is focusing more on Elena's acceptance(or not) towards the choice she made. So it's not really episode orientated, but it will pick up on that.
The ride back home was exhausting. Her feelings were all over the place and she couldn't make sense of any. She sat in the back seat of the car, Stefan was driving (she couldn't be more grateful for having him to come, even after all the awkwardness it presented after her stunt today). Looking out of the open window, she let the night's breeze scatter her bangs, ignoring at least a bit of the silent treatment she was getting and giving in the car.
It was an uncomfortable silence, but she couldn't bare to break it. Matt was as tired as she was from the whole ordeal of the night, but she suspected he was more aware of the tension around the three of them to even get anywhere in between.
She risked a glance to her left side, to a deeply sleeping body. His forehead was wrinkled, drops of sweat showering his now pale face. It took her all willpower to not scoot over and take his head in her lap and soothe the pain away. But it wouldn't be fair to Stefan, even if she wouldn't be doing anything wrong. So she restrained herself from hugging it better or forcing him to take her blood in his system.
The later she already tried, and it didn't work out. Sigh.
Apparently he refused to drink from her even after his body was falling limp to the ground. And Stefan...well, for one reason or another, didn't bring the blood bags..
"I won't drink from you, Elena," Damon grunted, swooning on his legs while he attempted to stand up straight.
"Why not?"
"Really, Elena? I lost too much blood tonight. You nearly bled out yourself. Do you have a death wish or what?"
"What're you saying then? You can give me your blood to heal my injuries but you would rather bleed out than take mine to heal yours? Is that your some sort of pride or what?" she stood her ground, glaring at him with full force.
"You seem to be missing the main factor. Vampire." He pointed to his chest. "Human." Then to her.
"So what?" she didn't back down.
"Soo, even if I do bleed out, which I won't, I'm already healing. I won't really die. I'll regenerate my blood in a few hours. Now quit calling for the Grim Reaper."
"Is that it? Or is there another reason for you refusing me offering?"
"Is there another reason for You offering it so desperately?" he countered her.
She opened her mouth to retort but it died out inside her mouth. She couldn't fully understand herself. What was she doing? He was a vampire. Of course he wouldn't die. There's was no real reason for her to insist on something like that.
It was beginning to sound more like a pleading for him to feed on her rather than an offer of help. She cringed from her thoughts. She was going insane! He was finally making her loose it.
"Look," he sighed and took a few steps towards her. "I appreciate your good heart of wanting to help the poor bleeding soul, but I'll be fine," he said softly, bringing his fingers under her chin to make her look at him.
She titled her head to the side, gently meeting his gaze. "I know," she breathed out. "I must be still in shock of the whole…accident…thing."
He spared her of any mockery remarks and only settled on a warm smile. "I know."
The moment was abruptly cut short when Stefan came into view. "You two coming?" him calling out.
Away from any warnings, the moment Stefan came into view, it went like an "okay" sign for Damon, as his body just slumped to the ground, gaining a gasp from Elena's mouth.
The car came to an abrupt stop. She straightened up in her seat, looking around for the reason. It surprised her to see that they were already standing in the driveway of the Boarding House.
The doors of the driver's seat clicked and Stefan stepped out of the car, pulling the passenger's seat open in a sec. Elena stared at him looming in the shadows of the dark night, taking a hesitant moment of pulling Damon's body out of the car. She scooted over to help pushing him out and that action alone stopped Stefan in his tracks. He stared without focus for a moment but then met her eyes with his own filled with pain.
"Stefan..." she began softly, forcing herself to say, well, anything. He only lowered his gaze, shaking his head sadly at her. With the last smooth move, the older vampire was out of the car, slumped over his brother's shoulder, a small groan escaping his lips.
She took a deep breath, still sitting inside the car. Then glanced to the front of the car and let out a breath of relief when saw Mat's sleeping body. He needed that sleep, but she couldn't be more grateful for him taking it at this very moment.
Careful not to wake him up, she brought her legs out of the vehicle, closing the doors behind herself. She walked towards the front doors of the house, which were slightly ajar but had to stop when Stefan came out, alone.
He closed the door after him and stood there in silence together with Elena. Her head was turning in swirls and knots. She didn't know where to even begin to talk.
"I don't know what to say..." she confessed lightly.
A long, tired sigh came out of his mouth. "You had a long day. Let's not do this today," he said more warmly than she thought herself worthy. Lifting her eyes up, she tried to speak again.
"I just want you to know...What I did today-"
"It's alright," he interrupted her. "I understand."
She watched him, guilt starting to eat her inside. "I don't know if I understand it myself," she breathed out.
Only when Stefan left her at her home, did she allow herself a moment.
With a mug in her hands, she sat by the counter in the kitchen. The plain waves of water swirling in circles the moment her hands would shake.
Shaky hands?
Why were they shaking? Was she scared? She should be...any normal teenager girl would be scared witless of an almost run in with death today, but...nothing about her life was normal. Not since the moment she met two Salvatore brothers. And things just kept on going...down.
What she did today was stupid. Stupid and irrational. Seriously? Did she really make that choice today? A humourless laugh escaped her lips.
She chose to come to him, leaving every other important person in her life behind. She let her best friend almost die today. She knew, if there was a choice, he would always choose her. That was like already signing a death warrant for Matt. And if that wasn't enough, at the end of the day, she, Elena Gilbert, was practically beginning for him to drink her blood.
Who was she?
That's not who she was. She couldn't recognize herself anymore. She bit on her lower lip, just the right amount of pressure to stifle the angry sob from coming out.
It hurt to think of herself like that. She couldn't be this girl. She couldn't be so selfish to choose one person over hundreds of others. He may be able to do that, but not her.
"Elena?" a soft voice, followed by the creak on the floor snapped her head out of her thoughts.
"Hey," she greeted her brother. Her voice hoarse to the ear.
Concern flashed through his eyes. "You alright?" With steady steps he inched towards her.
She gulped. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know. Maybe because my sister almost got killed in a car crash and stabbed by a crazy vampire today?" he asked with a slight humour in his eyes. A ghost of a smile flickered through her face.
"I'm really alright, Jer," she said again.
"Are you? I bet even without you being a vampire that mug will soon snap with all the force you're holding it."
Her eyes narrowed. "Eh?" she let out and the next moment her mug slipped from her shaky hands. It crashed with a loud force on the floor, making her jump out of her seat.
Her one hand on her chest, she looked at the shattered pieces in horror. It was just a mug. True, it may have been her favourite mug, but it was just a mug! But somehow she couldn't help thinking it had a whole meaning of the world.
Before she could register it, tears began rolling down her cheeks. Hands roaming in her hair. Head shaking. Frustrated sighs coming of her mouth.
She felt arms wrapped around her, soothing her in a brotherly embrace. But it was not the right feeling. She wanted more. She needed more. She needed something, someone else. And that only made her a bigger nervous wreck.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Jer," she sobbed.
Then all hell broke loose. "You weren't supposed to have this life. God, I wasn't supposed to live like this...Oh my god, I nearly killed Matt today...it's my fault... he nearly died, Jer."
"It's not your fault, Elena. It was Damon's choice. If anyone's it's his."
She shook her head, violently, in his shoulder. "No. No. No, I knew he would choose me. I knew that. I knew he would sacrifice Matt for me..."
"I knew that too," he said flatly.
Her heart skipped a beat. "Wh-what?" she breathed. They broke the embrace, her looking at her brother with wondering, watery eyes.
"I know you, Elena. You're my sister. And you would sacrifice yourself for others. But I knew if we took you to Damon, he would keep you safe."
"Bu-but Matt! What about Matt?"
"Matt agreed," he said simply.
Anger suddenly burned inside her. "It's Matt's life! How could you...play with it like that?!" Her whole body shaking.
"I wanted my sister alive!" he said in a raised voice. She stopped her tremors.
"We don't have anyone else anymore, Elena. It's only the two of us. I know I'm being selfish but I'm alright with that."
Her brows furrowed. Heart clenching for him. "Jer..."
"And although I don't like the guy, at least I trust him to keep you safe. Stefan is a good guy, but he would let you die."
"No, he wouldn't," she countered at once in desperation.
"Yes, he would. And you know it! If you asked him to get Matt first, he would do it."
She kept shaking her head. "You would be dead now, Elena. My sister would be dead."
She closed her eyes. What, was she supposed to be thankful for being saved now? For always being saved? Instead of others? She was getting fed up with it.
And this new person she was changing into... Stefan said she looked 'tougher'...but was that only it?
"No..." she whispered. "I can't do this. It's wrong. ...Oh my God... Stefan...what we've been through. After everything. How could I've done this to him?" she whispered in horror.
"Elena..." Jeremy began, but she held out her hand to him.
"I need...I need time alone, Jer." When he tried to say something. "Please," she added.
He nodded at her and turned to leave. Just at the beginning of stairs, he whispered. "You know, you don't owe your heart to anyone," he said simply and went upstairs.
She let the water run in her bathroom. The glass misting from the dry and warm temperature. Brushing her hand against it, she could see her reflection again. Her hair was tangled in unnatural sides, giving a wild look to her image, her eyes puffy from her previous break down.
She was a mess. And she knew that. But her inner mess was a whole lot worse than this creature staring at her through the mirror.
She had to get a hold of herself because those burning feelings she had inside her... no, she couldn't act on them. Not if it made her makes those choices.
Not if it made her loathe herself for being unable to regret them...
She splashed her face with cold water, momentary letting her face muscles relax by it and after whipping it dry, went for her room.
She walked inside, taking a step further, when she came to an abrupt stop. Her heart skipped a beat in her chest. She bet it could've jumped out of her body right then and there. He was the last and first person she wanted to see right now. She swallowed tightly.
His timing was, as always - priceless.
She blinked a few times, her body relaxing, moments later. "Damon," she breathed out. He gave her a small smile.
"H-how long were you sitting there?" Her voice sounded breathless. Just from seeing him. He looked so dazzling in the light of the moon, sitting by the window sill... no! she had to...stop!
"Long enough to know you're hiding from the little Gilbert," he quipped. "Got anything to share?"
"No…" she said with an uneasy smile creeping on her face. She couldn't seem to relax. His eye twitched in confusion, picking on her weirdness.
He stood up from the window sill. "Hey, you alright?" he asked her in concern, asking her eyes for attention. He kept himself by the window sill, for some reason feeling the need to.
"Yeh, I'm fine," she said, lifting her eyes to his. When she looked at his face, she had a flash of his bloodied shape back on the road and her brows furrowed. Momentary forgetting all her worries, she crossed the room, stopping a couple of steps away from him. When she was close enough, she reached out to touch his face.
"What about you? Are you alright now? Everything healed?" Her fingertips brushing his skin. He let the feeling sink in for him, while watching her concentrated expression of deep concern on her face. His mouth quivered just a bit, but he was a master, if anything, at hiding his feelings, so it was soon hidden under his casual mask.
"Nothing a couple of blood bags couldn't fix." He smirked. She let out a breath. A relieved smile, playing on her face.
"Good then." She let her hand drop to her side. She still had a smile on her face but after several seconds passed and he still said nothing, she began to start feeling nervous. And not in a frightened way. Although, that may have been the case too.
"You came to me…" he whispered faintly after a while, making her eyes flicker on him. He attempted a small, nervous smile on his face. "That meant something."
"Damon, that's…" she started faintly, closing her eyes. Was he really choosing this moment, today, to get their feelings sorted out? She was fairly sure he couldn't have picked the more awful timing of the year for that.
"You chose me, Elena." She felt how the air shifted around them, him closing the gap between them. His eyes travelled over her face. "Don't tell me you don't feel this." He brushed his fingers along her jawline, the path trailing down over her throat with feather like gestures. She felt a shiver run down her body.
"Why are you doing this?" she whispered, her body tensing up. He stopped his movements.
"Because by coming to me today you let me imagine what it would be like to be with you. You let me hope, Elena." He cupped her jaw tenderly, urging her to lift her eyes to his. "Hope that this could be," he breathed, his body radiating heat from their close proximity. She breathed in and out, feeling every inch of where his body collided with hers even without super vampire senses. He was close enough for her to feel the hot air emitting from his mouth. With half-closed eyes she could see that it wouldn't take much of an effort to just dip her head forward and close the damn gap between the two of them… But at the very last moment, she felt her senses coming back to her.
"Damon, it's…everyone was dying. I…I thought I was never gonna see you again," she whispered with a sad smile on her face. Damon furrowed his brows at that.
"What're you saying, Elena?" His hand dropped to his side. Her heart skipped a bit. She was starting to get nervous and not in a pleasant, overwhelming way.
She brushed one hand over her forehead, another supporting her hip. "I thought you were gonna die, Damon. I had to come-" She knew she was making no sense. It couldn't have been the only reason why she had chosen to come to him. You just don't abandon your whole life because you felt…pity for someone. But that was the only reason she could offer, which she was sure of, and she didn't have to loathe herself about, so she stuck with that.
"What, are you saying it's another deathbed pity action of yours?" he raised his voice in question, it coming as strangled.
"No!" she shot at him within a sec. Good job, Gilbert, now you lost your only chance of making it...not about your feelings.
"What then?!" he advanced on her.
"I don't know!" she shouted in desperation. "You were dying and I-"
"I don't want you in death, Elena," he exclaimed, his eyes narrowing. He stared at her with intensity, locking her gaze with his. She swallowed nervously. "I want you alive," he started again, taking a step closer, towards her. His own eyes filled with vulnerability. "I want a life with you." A ghostly touch brushed a strand of hair from her face, eyes running over her features.
It was starting to be hard to breathe. She inhaled a shaky breath, breaking the eye contact. "I, I can't do this right now, Damon." She took a step back. She prayed for a moment to herself, to get herself back on track but then a bitter laugh reached her ears. She lifted her gaze to come across a hurt expression on his face, which was soon masked with an all knowing tight smile on his face.
"Can't believe I expected anything else," he began, his tone sounding more distant by the second. She furrowed her brows at him. "It's always going to be Stefan," he echoed her, clenching his teeth, while his gaze stopped its focus.
"What?" she breathed. What was he talking about now? "No. Why would you say that?" She narrowed her eyes." It got nothing to do with Stefan. It's about me. What I feel."
She felt the rise and fall of her chest as she spoke. Seriously? It got nothing to do with Stefan? Then what was that guild-ridden talk with Jeremy just half an hour ago about? She was loosing it... again! Because of him. And it's...it was starting to really become not about Stefan...
"And what do you feel?" His piercing blue eyes caught her off guard and she could do nothing but stare for a moment. Her mouth opened a few times, closing the next like a fish asking for water. But then she just shrugged with a tremor running down her body.
"I... I'm not sure what I feel," she said faintly.
He stared at her without saying a word for a while. When his eyes locked with hers again, he already had his shields up. "Oh, you're sure." His eyes went downwards, hiding the pain away.
"You just can't accept the fact that you could want me."
He lifted his eyes to hers, making her breath hitch. He shook his head at her, clenching his teeth and turned to walk away, towards the window.
"Damon…" she took an involuntary step forward, without really knowing what she meant to say. He stopped in his tracks, but kept his back on her. Only his head turned slightly sideways as he spoke his last words.
"You shouldn't have come to me today if you didn't mean it."
She blinked and the next moment he was gone.
to be continued...
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