Another year, another death. At least I think it's death. I thought that last time, I was positive, but I came back, so maybe it was just a bad injury or a near-death experience or something. Eric came back too, so maybe it was all in my head.
This time I'm sure though. It feels the same as last time, but I can't come back from this. There's just no medical way to come back from being beheaded by Santa. Beheaded by Santa's magic, no less. Science doesn't even think magic exists, let alone knows how to cure it. I'm definitely a goner.
What sucks is I really liked Christmas. Everyone's charitable to poor people like me and my family this time of year. It's awesome! Oh well. Maybe they'll be even nicer to my family now that they have a dead kid. Whether or not I go to Heaven, I hope Jesus wins the fight. Too bad I won't be around to see how it ends.
At least I got another year alive. More time than I thought I'd get last year. I still haven't done everything I've wanted to, but that's because I'm dying young. Nothing I could do about that. Most people probably don't accomplish everything they want to anyways, right?
You know what's funny? Eric Cartman was originally called "Kenny". Who knows? Maybe if his mom had stuck with that name, he'd be the one this is happening to. I hate to think this, the guy's my best friend for better or worse, but he deserves this fate more than me. More than I ever could. He's hurt more people than me. Done more horrible things. I suffer almost every day while Cartman charms his way through life getting almost everything he ever wants. I starve, literally, while he eats to the point of gluttony.
But maybe his role in the universe is bigger than mine. Maybe he's needed around South Park to serve a better purpose. Maybe, if he were me, the world somehow wouldn't be the same. Maybe by wishing we could trade places even once, I'm being selfish and somehow hurting the world. Hurting my best friend.
Maybe, just maybe, I suffer and die so that he doesn't have to.
On second thought, I wouldn't trade our names for anything.
