A/N: So, I had some sort of lapse last time and forgot to explain the title. 'Minguante' is directly translated into 'Waning', but when I came up with the idea of the name, I had no idea of the english equivalent. Then the name stuck and I couldn't change after finding it out... (It actually sounds better in portuguese to me.) I don't know if, like the portuguese word, the word 'waning' can refer both to someone's strengths fading, and to the lunar phase, but that's what it means.
I actually was going to update this a lot sooner, but I had to travel, and then I had adult life problems. So yeah, it is a bit late, but it's here. I do however, have half of the next chapter written, so I might end up updating sooner... I hope! Still can't promise anything.
Wow, I just realized I actually updated a fanfic for the first time in my life... Enjoy your reading!
Fighting is hard, Hae Soo soon finds out. But this realization only comes to her a long time after she proclaims her decision to the King.
When her words leave her mouth - beautiful, well-thought words, so she could break any resistance she knew he had already started to build - she tries to smile and show confidence, tries to pretend her shoulders and her knees aren't about to give up, tries to assure him that she'll be fine, that they'll be fine, but she knows he's not convinced.
He's surprised and a little hopeful, but not convinced.
That alone is one more incentive for her to stay, just to prove him she's right.
"Are you sure this is wise?" His voice carries a deep concern and that's when she knows that he is not unconvinced, he's worried.
Even in this kind of situation, he's worried for her, he's putting her wellbeing first, and she feels her decision strengthening. She cannot leave him, even if he decides to throw her out himself.
Because she knows that the moment she leaves him behind, her melancholy will only increase to the point of claiming her life. She'll be even emptier than she is now, and there'll be no repair to her damages then.
And if, by staying, she's able to save at least a small fraction of what they once had, she'll die happy.
I should tell him soon… I'm sorry Pyeha, but even though I promised to stay, I can't stay for long.
But for now, she won't focus on the sad future; the present is sorrowful enough. Now she will just aim for their recovery.
"I'm positive that I've already proved that my decisions aren't very wise." She smiles, trying to lighten up his – their – mood.
"Soo-yah."
"It probably is not wise, Pyeha." She refuses to allow her smile to fall, "But it's what I want to do. So please, do not let me fight alone."
"I will not." And it's his turn to smile. A tiny and almost imperceptive smile, but it is there, and she feels stronger just by seeing it. It still is a phantom of what it used to be, but knowing she's the one providing him with such a joy, even though small, is enough for her.
Everything will be fine. We'll be fine.
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- - -『◆』- - -
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She feels light after she leaves him, the weight over her gone for a little while. But after a few seconds walking alone in the hallways of the palace, she's suffocating once again.
When she enters her little room, her heart is a stone sinking into the depths of the ocean, drowning in the darkness, and she's nauseated once again.
Even the air in this place is poisonous.
She could ask someone to clean her room. She could ask him for a new bedroom in a different part of the palace. She doesn't have to come in and sort her personal belongings all by herself. But if she wants to fight for them, she feels like she has to overcome everything between them, and that's how she'll start.
She opens her chest and starts to unpack. And also tries not to think of when the last time she did this, Chae Rung was beside her.
The first item she pulls out is an arrow, and she holds on tightly to it.
When she was packing her belongings last night, that arrow was what made her decision to leave fade. She remembers when she held it tightly a few hours before, when all her memories of him risking his life for her inundated her mind and she felt more guilty than ever. She also remembers when she recalled all the other little things that he used to do - sometimes just to make her smile a little - that meant everything at the time.
Then she was hit by a different wave of memories. The ones of when she had been willing to do anything to help him, to prevent him from suffering.
She remembered when she had risked the rage of the late king Jeongjong to meet him in after his arrow injury, when she had hidden the tenth prince so he wouldn't be forced to kill his brother, when she had held him from destroying the praying stones in his rage. When she had covered his scar, and then he brought the rain.
She had never stopped to ponder if her actions would have some impact in the future. Never once spent too long wondering about all the paradoxes involving her weird time travel. After her failed attempts to come back to the 21st century, she accepted things the way they were, and just tried her best to stay alive.
But when she was finally alone and with plenty of time for pointless speculations, she kept imagining all the possible scenarios that could happen. If she ever came back to her time, would anything have changed? Her lack of knowledge in Goryeo's history was more frustrating than ever.
Was it all me? All those conflicts amongst the princes. Him rising to the throne. Was it all me? Had I not come to the past and covered his scar, would any of it happen?
Had I not come to the past and covered his scar, would he spent his entire life as an angry wolf dog on a leash?
Would he be loved?
Would he be understood?
Her packing was already forgotten. All there was was the arrow in her hands and the memories of their actions. (Also, there was his presence behind her, but she was trying her best to ignore its burning effect on her.)
Was I brought here just for him? To make him what he is today? To make him a king?
Perhaps that was true. Perhaps destiny was putting an extra effort on bringing them together to the point of dragging her to a different millennia from the one she was born. Perhaps everything that happened in her life was a preparation for the moment they would be brought together and clumsily erase their scars.
That sounded a little ridiculous and she almost laughed, but then remembered how her very presence in that place would have been called ridiculous as well, and resumed conjecturing.
Then what happens now?
Her knowledge of Gwangjong's life was limited, but she had a good summary impregnado on her mind from growing up. He had always been described as a wicked and a cold hearted man, who did not think twice to kill his subjects and his brothers.
A bloody tyrant, they called him. A lonely boy, Soo knew.
(A killer, short-tempered and hard to reach boy, but a boy nonetheless.)
If I leave will anything change in history? What about if I stay? Will my departure be the trigger for everything, just like my makeup was?
When she started to contemplate the possibility of staying, she knew that she had just made things harder. Because ever since the beginning of their awkward friendship she saw in him a person in need of help. And just like that little boy who almost drowned back in modern Seoul, she jumped right into his life, not caring about the consequences. Not knowing that after holding him once he would need for her to hold him forever.
He needed her, and she couldn't leave him.
He needs you, Hae Soo.
And you know you also need him.
She's brought back to the present, in the same position she was the night before, when she decided to stay. The arrow rests cold in her hands, her breath is shaky.
He needs her, and she needs him. But just because she has good motives, it does not make it any easier. Just because he is fighting as well, it does not make anything right.
She tightens her grip on the arrow and takes a deep breath.
This is for you and for him, Go Ha Jin. Fight for the good things both of you deserve.
She holds back the tears and returns to the chest.
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- - -『◆』- - -
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The first time Hae Soo sees Gwangjong after her decision to stay is by accident.
It's not that they have been avoiding each other, this time. He has been too busy to sneak a meeting between his royal duties, and she has been too tired at night to wait up for him. At first, she wanted to force herself to stay awake, but then he sends a note urging her to sleep and get some rest, for the sake of her health.
Her days, however, are no longer spent idly. The king has allowed her to resume some of her activities on Damiwon, even without restoring her as a Court Lady. So she just supervises the new dishes and tea blends, instructs and trains the new girls who are to fill the old positions, and the old ones who are getting new positions at the palace. She also decides on teaching some of them to read, remembering the constant frustration she felt when she was illiterate, and feels glad that she's helping them to get a better life in a place such as the palace.
She makes soap, and finds some relief on having her mind filled with mundane matters.
At night, however, she finds her mind surrendering to melancholy once again. And sometimes she cries herself to sleep over and over again. She makes a habit of counting all the good things that happened to her during the day, and tries not to feel too sad.
When she wakes up, she asks Jimong for news about Chae Rung's family. And despite fearing what the king might think, he tells her everything. He tries to stop her, but he's unable to stop her from helping them in any way they need.
She feels at peace when she helps. So she teaches the court ladies to read and write, she helps the girls to come up with the meals and snacks for the guests at the Damiwon. She takes care of Baek Ah, and keeps him company through his grief. She sends soaps to the fourteenth prince, wishing he's safe wherever he is.
The work is a relief, but a momentary one. Just like the pain in her joints was from her hard work as a musuri.
She's not getting better, she's just getting distracted.
She feels at peace when she helps others, but she'd be happier if others helped her.
It could be worse, Hae Soo. You could be worse.
She tells herself what she's fighting for so she can stand up in the morning.
She's the one to prepare the King's meal, even though no one asks her to, no one orders to, no one gives her the permission to do so. She just starts doing, and she's sure that everyone in the palace knows how much the king favors her when no one stops her.
She doesn't know if he's aware that she's eating her food, but she does not care that much. She feels glad enough just to know that he's eating, and feels a little closer to him by doing it, so does not stop.
After that, she starts to prepare his bath as well, before immediately leaving the pool. Not because she's avoiding him, of course not. She just needs to check on the soaps she left drying back in the other room. She could always see him… any other time.
She takes time on picking the herbs for his bath, trying to guess if he needs something more relaxing and calming, or something more revitalizing to help him to stay up, perhaps something more medicinal to improve his health.
One day she takes too long to prepare the perfect blend and when she starts to move out of the scene, she is greeted by the view of her king on his under robs.
She just stands still for a while, until she notices that the court lady who was to assist the king during his bath has bowed down, so she follows her actions after a second of confusion.
"You have come."
She hears him chuckle and hopes they were alone, so she could lecture him on laughing at the cost of others. She does, however, straightens her body and try not to smile after hearing him so amused.
The king clears his throat, eyes still fixed on hers.
"I have received instruction on taking an herb infused bath every once in a while." He says as if trying to start a conversation, and she's more than glad to oblige.
"You'd do well by following this instruction.", she says in a warm voice, "The herbs will strengthen your immune system and relax your sore muscles." He smiles and gets closer to her, and she feels sorry that he still has the need to wear his robe closed in the presence of someone else, but decides not to let it disturb their stolen moment of peace.
"There are better methods to relax sore muscles, though." She cringes on the inside and hopes that the court lady present does not hear the implication on his line, or if she does, that she's a quiet one and doesn't spread it like wildfire on the palace.
"But, unfortunately, none of them are available at the moment, so you'll have to be satisfied with the bath, Pyeha." She raises an eyebrow, urging him to stop being embarrassing and just get into the bath, what he quickly does, and she prepares herself to leave.
She wishes she could stay, but watching him go under the water, even in a different pool, brings her memories and insecurities that she does not need to know. He seems to read her uncertainty and slowly nods, smiling reassuringly at her.
She smiles back, relieved, and can't help but congratulate herself for deciding to stay.
She can do this.
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- - -『◆』- - -
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She can't do this.
For a while things are stagnated, and she fears they'll ever be like this, not getting worse, but never truly progressing.
There are times they cross ways or they roam around the place they know the other is - at least she does that, he has yet to confirm her suspicions that he's doing the same - hoping to catch a glance, perhaps a smile of reassurance.
There are times they talk, and there are times they can make each other smile. There are times that they think everything is going to be alright. There are times that they can almost - almost! - forget the things that happened and the walls around and between them.
There are times things get awkward between them and they can just be civilized to each other.
And there are times they argue.
She never knows how these time's end up happening, nor how to stop them once they already went far enough to regret everything later, she just knows that these times come, and they hurt her the most.
Because it's when these times come that she feels weak, incapable of changing anything, just a watcher of the sad last events of a tragedy. (She shivers at the thoughts of 'last' and 'tragedy'). But that's the way things are between them, and that's what's happening right now.
"Maybe it would be good for me!" Again, she does not know how this conversation turned into an argument. She doesn't even realize they are fighting over something until she raises her voice.
(Or until he scowls at something she says. Or until she takes a time to realize how both of their postures are somewhat aggressive and defensive at the same time. Or until one of them barges away, fuming and irritated.)
"I'm not allowing Jung to return just because you feel lonely." He retorts her last argument, after a series of other arguments she's been raising just to convince him from revoking the banishment of his brother, even after he told her not to touch this topic again.
"Well, will you just make everyone who's close to either die or go away, so I'll have no option but you?" Her words are too cruel, even for her, but in the heat of the moment, she cannot bring herself to care.
"Is that what you think I'm doing?" He's also too angry to get hurt by her assumption, but he's still outraged.
"That's what it looks like."
"You'd think so low of me..." He shakes his head, skeptical.
"So determined, yes." She corrects his line, not so angry to the point of labeling him as something less than he is, "You forgot you threatened to kill people because of me before?"
"You thought I'd actually go through that threat?"
"Yes."
"Is that why you've never told me who he was?" He suddenly changes the topic all together at the memory of the day she first refused him on the beach, "Up until now you've been afraid that I'd feel like he was taking you away from me, and I'd kill him, haven't you?"
"It's not like that."
"So, you're basically saying I'm an animal."
"I'm not." Her anger cools down at the sight of the small glint of hurt in his eyes.
"No? Then why were you afraid of me before I took you to the beach that day? Why did you tell me to leave?"
"That was so long ago."
"But you did the same thing just yesterday." He makes mention of another not very good moment they had on the previous day.
"Because I wanted to be alone."
"Do you want that now? I can arrange that!"
"Pyeha…" She tries to stop him from leaving, but he freezes halfway to the exit and sighs.
"You said you wanted to fight for us, but why are you always fighting me?"
That's enough to stir her anger once again.
"So you want me to ignore every time you do something I don't like? Am I not allowed to express my opinion? Am I not allowed to stand up for myself?"
"That's not it."
"No? Then what is it? Why do you want to keep the fourteenth prince away from the palace so bad?"
"Why do you want him to come back so bad?" He turns around and looks straight into her eyes.
"I thought I told you more than enough reasons why."
"But none of them were the actual one, were they?"
She swallows and tries to hold his stare.
"I meant what I said."
"But there's something more to it."
"What about you then?" She evades the question and directs it to him, "You keep saying that you're keeping him away because the ministers could see you as weak if you allowed him to return, but the truth is that you're still bitter because your mother loved him more, isn't it?"
There's silence after this, and not for the first time (nor the last, probably) she regrets her words as soon as they leave her mouth.
He does not break the stare, but the effect of what she on him is evident.
She tries to come up with something that can take back the damage she caused, but he's quicker to speak, his voice low and cold.
"I remember when you were the only person who could understand me. I guess that that's too much of trouble for you now, right?"
"Pyeha… I didn't…"
"You meant what you said."
"I meant that…"
"Take responsibility for your words, Hae Soo. They hurt more than arrows."
He leaves her alone then, just like she asked him to, and she feels miserable once again.
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- - -『◆』- - -
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They avoid each other after that. At least consciously this time. She doesn't know what to say, and it doesn't look like he wants to hear it anyway, so they spend more time alone in the palace, and she takes this time to try to heal. But every time she closes her eyes, his face comes back to her mind, and she wonders if they'll ever make it, or if they'll live like this until her heart gives up.
She tries to drown herself in work, like she would have done in the Gyobang, and sometimes she tries to drown herself in alcohol like she would have done in the modern world, but it seems like her misery keeps her at the surface, and she finds herself floating on the waters, at the mercy of the crashing waves.
One day she's roaming around the garden, trying to find some sort of positivity in that cage she forces herself to live on, when she sees him.
He's at the same little gazebo the late king was when he shot an arrow at her, and she tries to push that memory away.
Instead, she focuses on him, looking straight ahead at the lake, and she believes she can guess what he is thinking about. She remembers when she spent three years coming to this very lake to cherish all the good memories from it (she ignores the bad ones).
Then she decides they have avoided each other long enough already and comes closer to him.
He does not acknowledge her presence as she comes closer, but she knows he's aware of her presence. Soo stands by his side quietly, also looking at the lake, a distance of 3fts between them.
They spend a long time in silence, enough for her to be bothered by it and break it first.
"I'm sorry for what I said the other day." It's all she has to offer to him.
"You don't have to be."
"But I am. I don't like to say hurtful things."
"Even if they are true?" He doesn't stray the sight from the lake for one second, nor does she.
"You can still tell the truth without hurting someone else." She's known this for a long time, she's tried to live with that conviction, but she knows that nothing can justify her words, "I know you're mad…"
"I'm not mad."
"No?" The surprise is enough for her to whip her head around and look at him instead.
He has his eyes closed, as if lost in thoughts, and for a moment she fears he's come back to ignoring her, when he speaks calmly.
"We can't keep fighting like this." He explains softly, "That is, if we really want things to go back to the way they were before.", she can feel the last bit of hope in his unasked question.
"Maybe they can't. Maybe that's what the palace does, poisons every bond to the point of too far beyond repair."
"You said you wouldn't change first."
"I didn't. The circumstances around me did, my responsibilities did, my priorities did." She swallows hard, the conversation not really going the way she hoped to, "My options did."
He sighs deeply, understanding what she means, and recognizing the same pattern on himself.
"Why are we always taking one step forward, then three backwards?"
She looks away from him then, returning her eyes to the lake in front of them.
"You should answer it to me, Pyeha." She has already gave up on finding that answer.
"Every time you look at me, you see a monster." His voice lacks any emotion.
"No. That's not it."
"Every time you look at me, you see the man who caused the death of Chae Rung."
"Yes. But that's not it."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't know…" She says miserably, "It's hard to say."
"It shouldn't."
She gathers her courage and tries to summarise all the events that have been happening ever since he became King that were slowly building a wall between them in a single sentence.
"You're becoming someone else." She tries not to cry, "The throne keeps pushing you away from me, and I fear you'll change."
"That's not how it works."
"I've seen lots of people change, Pyeha. The late king Hyejong going mad, the eighth prince coveting the throne, Chae Rung committing treason, Woo Hee jumping from the rooftops…" Her voice trembles and she stops talking.
"Maybe they didn't change. Maybe you just didn't know them in the first place."
His stubbornness would never let her convince him the dangers of his position to his character, and she knows that. She remembers when Oh Sanggung told her that she could not change a person, and she hoped that the same applied to the throne. However, she cannot set her uncertainties aside after such a long time of discord between them.
"Do I know you?"
The question hangs in the air for a while before he retorts her question with another one.
"Do you still love me?"
She wonders if he knows that, at this point, she couldn't ever stop loving him.
"Yes. But love isn't enough."
"No, it's not."
"Then love is not what we need." She voices the truth they've been trying to avoid, even though it hurts him, even though it hurts her. On this situation there's no way the truth won't hurt any of them.
He leaves her alone then, even though this time she didn't ask him to, and she actually hoped he wouldn't. And she feels miserable once again, even though the sight of his back walking away from her had become something familiar to her.
That's when Hae Soo finds out. Fighting is hard.
A\N: Alright, I confess, I wasn't going to end there. It just got so long... And I really wanted to update soon... So sorry, it was a little messy to write because some scenes were written for the previous chapter, but then I decided to put them here, and then I couldn't make the transitions smooth enough, and I kept getting confused on the use of Present Perfect tense, and then I kept thinking something was wrong with the way I kept using the quotation marks (I still think that, anyway). And proofreading these two was more frustrating than SoSoo drifting apart. *sighs*
Anyway, thanks a lot for your support on the previous chapter, and I hope I could attend to your expectations on this one.
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myrka1296g
Sorry for taking too long, and sorry for answering you in english. I can understand spanish alright, but if I try to write I just embarrass myself. I'm glad you like the story, and no, I have no plans to abandon it. I'll keep writing until it's over, even if it takes a long time. Well, they're not together yet, and Seol isn't in the picture yet, but, who knows?
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Daoine
I'm still at episode 7. Taking it slow and calm, specially because I'm watching it with a friend, and I want her to get attached to the characters (just to watch her reaction to the painful end). I agree, Soo wouldn't have left the palace if it wasn't for Seol, and for so long I pondered if I should have her unaware of her pregnancy, or just to make pregnancy come a while after. I've decided for the later, so I would have more time to prepare myself for all the mess that it will be...
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sandufus
Not completely well yet, still angtsy, Yeonhwa still lurking at the palace, but hey, it's SoSoo we're talking about! They'll get over all of this (I hope). I'll try not to go all sadistic on them, but do not fret much. The only reason I started this was to write some SoSoo fluff, I just need to get to that part yet... I have prepared myself to write something around 20 chapters, but considering how more and more stuff keeps popping on my head, this number might be bigger (or smaller, considering my bipolar pattern of writing).
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Guest
Glad you enjoy this auish plot! And yeah, Soo is the best and deserves all the love in the world for always being so ready to sacrifice herself and her own happiness for the ones she cares about! Embrace the feelings, let them overflow your heart. (Sorry for causing pain again.)
