I'm back! I won't usually update this soon with school and everything, but expect updates maybe twice a week? We'll see.

Anyway, a big thank you to all those who alerted and reviewed! Suggestions? Comments? Let me know!
Enjoy!


Puck calls me up on what he claims to be a Saturday afternoon. I couldn't remember where Thursday or Friday went, but that tends to happen from time to time.

I'm in the middle of taking pictures. It's a stunning fall day, my favorite season.

A lot of people wonder why I hold this sort of fascination with taking pictures. I guess since everyone expects a very cliché answer, I'll give them one.

In a way, it give me back the control I lose whenever I stick that needle into my veins. But it's a lot more than that. It gives me power of something beautiful, something very human, memory.

Memories fade as time passes, but pictures can make something so temporary, permanent. The subjects of the photos will leave eventually, die, but their illusion, their image will remain. Even these leaves, they're going to decompose in a matter of days, but in a way, their presence was made permanent as soon as I snapped the picture.

It's quite beautiful, actually.

"You still up for tonight?" Puck's voice sounds through the phone.

"Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Great. I'll be picking you up at seven. Shower and look presentable, okay?" It's a formal event, I guess. I don't do well at those. Last event I went to was my sister, Francine's, wedding.

We're not close. She's the golden child and I'm just me. I was never a good enough replacement for my parents once Frannie moved out. My parents are a whole different story, one saved for a better time.

"Don't worry I will."

"I'll buy your ticket, if you like." He offers. I think he thinks him asking me to go with him is a nuisance. Maybe I should tell him I'm only going to see Rachel again.

"No, it's fine. Just shoot me up before, yeah?"

"Yeah, deal. See you in 3 hours." He tells me before I hear the click and the line goes dead.


I step out of the shower and look in the mirror. The drugs have taken their toll on my body over the years. I'm skinny, really skinny. You can see my ribs sticking out through my pale skin, but it's not that bad. I've seen worse.

I wonder briefly how formal Puck expects me to dress. I don't want to embarrassing him, nor do I want to disappoint him.

I end up putting on a light blue cocktail dress that hugs my slim figure in all the right places. It has spaghetti straps and hangs down to my knees. I grab a cardigan from my closet and I'm ready to go. Nothing too formal, but nothing too casual.

"Where are you going?" Santana asks as soon as I walk out of my room. Her and Brittany are snuggling on the couch watching some Disney movie on the big plasma in the living room. I'm guessing it was Brittany's idea, because everyone knows Santana can't say 'no' to her.

"I'm going to a Broadway show." I tell them honestly, but Santana looks at me skeptically.

"Which one?" Brittany asks, excitement evident in her voice. And she's out of Santana's arms, sitting up on the couch.

"Uh- Spring Awakening?"

"Oh my! I heard it's really good. That Rachel Berry girl is suppose to be amazing." She gushes. Brittany has always had a love for the performing arts, whether it was dancing, singing, or theater.

"I've heard. Puck knows her. So, I'm going with him to see the show."

"Okay. Well, if you don't plan on coming home tonight could you please call me and let me know?" Santana asks. I know she's worried. She won't admit it, but I know. That's why I agree. I promise I'll call. I hope I don't forget in the rush.

"You look gorgeous." Puck tells me as he gets out of the cab to open the door for me. He gives me a light peck on the cheek. I don't feel pretty, let alone gorgeous.

I tell him that he looks good, because he does. He's wearing grey dress pants with a black dress shirt. The sleeves are rolled up and he's got on dress shoes. It all looks expensive and I wonder briefly where he got the money for it.

We get dropped off a block from the O'Neil theater. Puck and I walk into an alley behind Gino's Pizza and he pulls out two syringes from his pocket, they're in a plastic bag, ready. He shoots himself up and then motions for me to stick out my arm.

Puck's good, almost too good. There is something erotic about the way he gently slides the needle directly into my vein. I cough, and as soon as the chemicals reach my brain I feel gorgeous, beautiful even. I guess that's the point.

"There she is." Puck says as we take our seats. There is a sort of pride in his voice. And the admiration is evident on his face as soon as she starts singing. There's an eerie silence in the theatre and then her voice cuts through. Pure and powerful. I've never heard anything like it.

She transforms me into 19th century Germany and I can't keep my eyes off her. Everyone else is a blur.

If I could lock her in a cage and make her sing for me for the rest of my life I would. That's probably not the best idea though.

I'm not quite sure what the show is about. I haven't been paying attention to anyone but her. Puck starts telling me about how the boy that plays Melchior, who ever that is, use to date Rachel. They were together for a while and everyone thought Rachel Berry and Jesse St. James would be the Jay-Z and Beyonce of Broadway, until he came out that is.

Knowing that the boy's gay made me feel a bit better about him kissing Rachel on stage. As soon as her breasts appeared I had to look away. Don't get me wrong, I love women's bodies, but this isn't how I want to see her, in a theater surrounded by other people. I want to see her when it's just me and her, in the heat of the moment.

"You were right. She's amazing." I tell Puck after the first act is over. I don't think truer words have ever been spoken. I can feel the happiness radiating off of him.

It's dark when a stage light is turned on to illuminate her petite figure. She looks almost like an angel, wearing a white gown that reaches to her ankles. The only thing she's missing is a halo.

In a chilling voice she begins and it feels as though she's baring her soul, putting everything into the song. Pain, heartbreak, love. It's breathtaking.

"Little miss didn't do right, went and ruined all the true plans. Such a shame."

It makes me think of me and my parents and Frannie. My dad, he had everything planned out for me. He wanted me to get into an ivy league school on a cheerleading scholarship and become and lawyer or a doctor. I could have been either. I'm smart enough, or maybe I was.

It is a shame, but there's no going back now. To be honest, I'm not sure if there's any going forward either.


After the show Puck asks if it's cool with me if we go see her. How can I say no? I want to see her, maybe just as much as he does. Maybe more.

I'm confident and lively, and I know it's not Quinn that feels bold. She's actually nervous and her palms want to sweat but the drug won't let her show such weakness.

Puck tires to explain to the security guard that he knows Rachel, but the man refuses to let us in. I wonder if she has crazed fans that try to just walk into her dressing room.

Finally the guy does as Puck asks, and goes to tell Rachel that Noah Puckerman is here to see her. The guard comes back a couple minutes later, apologizing profusely for doubting him and leads us to one of the back rooms.

"Noah!" She exclaims as she leaps into his arms. She has had time to change out from her Wendla costume and is now wearing jeans and a white dress shirt. Her hair is swept up in a loose pony tail. She's not wearing any heels and I get a sense of how short she really is. It's cute, really cute.

"It's so good to see you baby girl." He tells her, returning the hug tightly and lifting her off the ground.

"When Jay told me some guy named Puckerman was here to see me, I almost didn't believe him. Then he threw in the fact that you have a mowhawk and I knew it was you." She says as she lets go of him and he settles her back onto the ground.

"And you're Quinn, from yesterday. I didn't know you knew this psycho." She smiles laughing. Her laughter isn't what you might expect from someone with such a clear voice. It's loud and obnoxious and I can't help but love it.

"I didn't think you knew this psycho." I joke as Puck sticks his tongue out at me.

"Hey, now. Why am I the psycho. You're all just as crazy as me." He says, raising his hands in the air, joining into our laughs.

"You look good, Noah. Very healthy. And the outfit? I love it." She says looking him up and down.

"I'm pretty well off." He tells her. I'm assuming that since his dealer came back he's been getting pretty fat hook ups. Puck gets a text message and frowns.

"You were amazing, Rach. Really, but I guess I shouldn't have expected anything less from you. I have to go. Business." He explains lamely as he gives her a kiss on the cheek.

"Are you leaving too?" She asks looking at me. I'm speechless for a second, not quite sure if this is a nice way of giving me the hint to get the fuck out.

"I -uh. I don't really have anywhere to go. I could leave though, if you're busy."

"No, no. Stay, please. I actually have to wait for my friends Kurt and Jesse to finish their preparations for tomorrow's show. So, I have time to kill."

"In that case, you ladies have fun." Puck tells us, offering me a wink as he leaves the room. What a pig.

"You up for that coffee?"


After Rachel grabs her bag she leads me out the back. I'm oddly excited, it's just coffee, but it's coffee with her.

"Sorry." She says as we are met with flashing lights. I briefly wonder if she's apologizing because she thinks it's tweaking me out.

"Don't apologize. If I wasn't going to grab some coffee with you I would be doing the same." I tell her truthfully.

"How come?" She laughs at my compliment and stops to sign some autograph. They look at her with adoring eyes, I wonder if that's how I look right now.

"You're amazing. You're going to be really big someday, maybe even in Hollywood, you know?" I can see it happening. She has the talent and the looks are just a plus.

"I'm not pretty enough." She contradicts me. I'm a bit taken back by that and I look to her for an explanation but she ignores my look and takes a picture with a little girl.

"Marry me, Rachel!" Someone yells out.

"Where's my ring?" She shouts back playfully and everyone erupts into laughter.

"How come?" I finally ask. My curiosity getting the best of me. If the cat really only had 9 lives I'd be dead by now.

"That's just what previous managers have told me. I can sing, sure, but I don't have that Hollywood glamour." They must be blind.

"Who ever told you that is an idiot." I don't think she agrees with my assumption.

"Do you mind if I finish signing?"

I shake my head 'no' and watch as she carries on. She chats with as many as she can, and a few lucky fans even get a picture. I can't help but crack a smile. Just looking at her I can tell that this is where she belongs. This is what she's suppose to be doing.

"That's pretty crazy." I tell her when we finally settle down in a café, a little less than a block down from the theater.

"It is, but I love it. I've been chasing this dream ever since high school and here I am, finally living it. I couldn't ask for anything else. Though the hours are long and I don't have time to do a lot of things I'd like to." She tells me after ordering herself a black coffee and a slice of vegan pie. I'm not hungry, so I settle for a diet coke. I sort of have an unhealthy obsession with that stuff.

"Like what?" I ask her. She looks thoughtful for a second before answering.

"Like going to the zoo."

I laugh. What a simple, childish answer. I didn't expect it.

"I'm serious!" She exclaims reaching over the table to playfully slap my shoulder, it only makes me laugh more.

"Why the zoo?"

"I love animals!"

"Fair enough." I tell her as the waitress brings our order.

"So, how long have you known Noah?" Rachel asks as she sips her coffee.

"Five years, but we didn't really start being friends until three years ago. He said you went to high school together?"

Puck and I met at one of his infamous parties. Sam didn't want to go alone, so he dragged me with him. The second Puck saw me, he knew. He told me he dealt and if I ever needed a hook up I had to look no further.

That's all our relationship was for two years, with the occasional conversations. Then one night he overdosed on heroin and I was the only one smart, or maybe sober enough, to call the paramedics. I was the first person he saw when he opened his eyes in the hospital. After that we became tight. I think he feels as though he's somehow in my debt for saving his life.

"Yes, we did. We were in the glee club together." She answers, laughing at memories.

"Puck? In a glee club?" I ask. I know the boy has a passion for music, but he never mentioned that he was apart of a glee club.

"Weird, isn't it? We actually won nationals our senior year. We were good."

"With you as the lead singer I don't doubt that."

A slight blush colors her cheeks as she mutters a quiet 'thank you.'

"You said you met him five years ago? Is that when you moved to New York?" She asks offering me a piece of her vegan pie. I shake my head and she nods as though she understand and pops it into her mouth.

"Yeah. I came here for school with a couple of my best friends. Brittany, Santana, and Sam."

"Brittany Pierce? The dancer?"

"That's the one."

"She's amazing. I saw her in Chicago!" Brittany's going to be ecstatic when I tell her that Rachel knows who she is.

"Yeah. She is. She's actually a fan of yours. She totally freaked when I told her I was going to one of your shows."

"Are you two close?"

"Yeah, I live with Santana and Brittany. I'm kind of the third wheel."

"We should all go out to dinner one night. Me, you, Noah, Brittany, and Santana. Your friend Sam should come too! And I'll bring Jesse and Kurt. It'll be fun!"

"That sounds like a great plan, but I fear for the safety of Puck."

"Why?" She laughs.

"Santana and him don't really get along. She doesn't think he's a good guy for me to hang out with." Santana regularly expresses her distaste for Puck. She doesn't like it when I hang out with anyone that has any access to drugs. She thinks that if I stop hanging out with dealers I'll stop using but New York is a big city.

"Because he uses." She states.

"Yeah." I answer, I figured she would know.

"How long have you been using?" She asks me nonchalantly. I look at her a little shocked. This I wasn't expecting.

I don't know whether I should answer. I don't want her to think any less of me, but if she knew this whole time and still came out to coffee with me she must be okay with it, right?

"What makes you think I'm a user?" I ask lamely. She looks me in the eyes and I know that if it wasn't for the meth I would have looked away.

"It's in the eyes." She tells me. And I guess that makes sense.

"Oh." I say. I want to be ashamed, but the thing about drugs? You can't find a way to give a fuck, even if you want to. And I really want to.

"I'm not going to judge you. Everyone has different ways of dealing with their problems." She tells me as she slides her hand across the table to place it over mine.

I catch my breath. It's such a simple gesture, but there's a certain intimacy that comes along with it. It's not something I'm use to, but I take breathe and look down at her hand.

"What's yours?"

"That's a story for a different time." She wasn't a user. I knew that for a fact, but I couldn't quite place my finger on it. Maybe she was sex addict in high school. Possible? Sure. Probable? Not really.

She traces light circles into the back of my hand and I have to tear my gaze from our hands to look up into her eyes.

"I smoked my first blunt in high school, sophomore year. And the rest was history." I tell her, a bit surprised at my admission. Was that suppose to come out?

"Why'd you do it?"

"My friend Santana, she did it as a fun getaway. She's gay, and at the time she couldn't deal with it. She was scared, you know? I mean we lived in Jackson, Ohio. It isn't the most accepting town for gays or lesbians."

"I know what that's like. I lived in Lima, actually. What happened after?"

I hesitate, but I decide to take a chance.

"Well, we moved here, to New York. And here everything's better for Santana and Brittany. Everyone's real accepting. She stopped and I just kept going. Doing bigger and better things. First came the weed, then the ex, then the coke, and then everything else, I guess." I could have lied, but I was sick of lying. At the same time, I wanted her to know about me. I wanted to share myself with her, and honesty is the best way to do that, I think.

"Have you ever considered stopping?" She asks, ceasing the circles she's tracing and taking a tight hold of my hand.

"Nope." I answer truthfully without even taking a second to think about it. I don't need a second.

That's when her phone rings and she sighs, letting go of my hand and retrieving it from her back. My hand feel automatically cold, and I want to feel her fingers against the back of my hand once again.

She mutters a 'hello' and then tells the person she'll be right over.

"That was Jesse. They're done, and I have to go." I don't want her to go.

"Oh, alright. Have a nice night then."

"I have double show tomorrow, but I'm free on Monday, if you would like to do lunch or something?"

"Yeah, sounds good. Call me whenever you're free." I say as a smile creeps onto my face. I'm trying really hard from looking like a school girl with a crush but I doubt it's working because she giggles as she throws a 20 on the table, waves me goodbye and walks out.

The check is only 9, and 7 for her portion. I can't tell whether or not she pities me or if she's the kind to leave big tips for waitresses. I decided to leave the money for the waitress and I leave into the cool night.

I can hardly wait for Monday. It's a weird concept for me, being excited for the future, I haven't been in years.