Dear Yuki
I don't understand you, man. You did all this crazy stuff because you felt bad about things that were out of control? It's crazy, Yuki. You didn't explain anything. You didn't talk about anything. How can anybody help you if you don't speak up?
I don't get why you put yourself down so much. I know people aren't always nice to guys like you. I know that people find the shy, sensitive type as a hindrance, a flaw, a loser, if you like. Wake up! There's nothing to be ashamed of about being a bit less socially mature than others-all it takes is a bit of support and self belief, the latter being something you lack. There's no shame in being geeky or eccentric. You're not perfect-but who is? Because I know I ain't.
I thought I was messed up, right up until I found you. I see it in my mind, over and over, the box of pills in one hand and the smashed bottle in the other. It makes me feel physically sick. I don't know how to feel about you, Yuki. I don't know whether to be angry, or sad, or guilty, or even shocked thinking about it. I'm guessing it's a mixture of the four, four horrible emotions that aren't easy to let go of.
I'm angry because in a way I think that you tried to leave me, y'know? I thought I could talk to you about my problems, and it makes me angry that you would be selfish enough to put me through hell to watch your own self inflicted suffering, and yet selfless enough to refuse to tell anybody how you were feeling yourself. I would've been there y'know? We could've sorted all of these emotions out, even the romantic ones…which I don't get to be honest. You'll have to talk to me about that one, mate.
I'm sad though because you're in so much pain, as I'm watching you sleep right now. You look so afraid, Yuki, even now. Is it because you know your plan failed? It's scary seeing you so lost and alone. If you weren't hooked up to all these drips and stuff I would give you the friendliest bromantic hug ever given in the history of hugging. Yeah, I think you might have laughed at that one. Perhaps not actually, you haven't laughed for weeks.
That's where the guilt comes in, because I should've seen it coming. I'm your best friend and I was too occupied with myself to notice that you were falling into a downward spiral of depression and despair. But you hid things so well, Yuki. We all know you as a shy, quiet guy who knows everything there is to know about medicine, and none of that changed. You just went from the shy, quiet, but seemingly content guy to the shy, quiet and completely isolated from everybody guy. Looking back, I could see you crack. Ever since May went packing, you've thrown syringes at my head, smashed me in the face, thrown books at me…crazy stuff, completely out of character for you, but I thought you were just stressed out or something. It upsets me greatly to know that you continue to see yourself as a doormat aswell. You're better than that, and deep down, you know it.
I don't think the rest of the E.D. mocks you. Zoe is sarchy, Jordan's a little merciless, and Ruth is just a cow most of the time, but nobody dislikes you, nobody has it in for you. Maybe we should have noticed that you seemed a little lonely and all that, but we were so busy with our own lives that it wasn't deemed important. I admire your reasons to go into medicine even now. You could've told me about Haro though, y'know? I'm not one to talk-I speak nothing of my family, and losing your brother must have been painful.
You've got to think about the people who care about you Yuki. Me, for one, and your parents, and all of the people you work with, and all of the crinklies who come in and tell you how wonderful you are, and all of the people who you save and they thank you for it. You've been good to me Yuki, now just be good to yourself. Let me look out for you, and let's sort this out. I'll be there, promise.
Lenny. x
