Chapter 1 Part 2

"Will you catch me cause me fallin down on you. "- Counting Crows- Round Here

I was excited and nervous to be transferring- I thought while watching the 4 am news. I was getting ready to run. I have to keep up my physique some how if I eat like do. That and I love the views of New York. As they say once a New yorker- always a New Yorker.

I ran up and down the streets- gun in belt and ID. The stress melted away for a while0 until I realized what next Monday is- the day I hired that male stripper to serve my wife the divorce papers. She cheats on- me and wont admit so she's out. What kind of dumb ass belivves his stay at home wife needs a private yoga instructor in the bed room 3 days week. I wanted to shoot my self. Hell, it was wonder I didn't. At least there was no kids involved. I hate kids sometimes.

I came home from my run at about 5:30- then I got dressed and left. I really wasn't in the mood to see my hoar of wife. I'll kill time by riding the subway.

I used to ride the subway as kid. I taught my self about life- and crime that way. My mom who would either be shooting up or "servicing" a "client" and no either way wanted nothing to do with me. So for about 30 cents I day I had entertainment and warmth when I wasn't at school. It was on the subway I decided I was gonna be a cop. I was 9 at the time. This guy came up and tried to rape a woman- then an NYPD officer came up and took him off the woman- I wanted to be that guy. The guy who saved people. I followed the officer off the train and down to the precinct turned out he was a homicide detective. I went up to and said "Whats you name? Mine is Nick and I wanna be as brave as you one day." He said "My name is detective Alex Lanski. You get as brave as me by working hard and taking care of yourself- no matter what belief in yourself- it doesn't matter where you've came from. Trust me. And if you ever need anything here is my card. Take care of yourself kid." He bent down and ruffled my hair. I still have his card in my back pocket. He was first person to tell me I could be somebody or do something. I ended up tracking him down. He died in 9/11. I wont ever forget his messy hair, shiny white teeth, and strong shoulders. I wonder if he ever knew I made it. I hope so.

I turned the tattered card in my hand before I put it back in my pocket and got off the subway. I had a coffee in my hand. It was a little bit early and I realized I missed the stop. I heard a a skreetch and then I realized what had happened- There was a jumper. Shit- can't you kill yourself in a private place. And dont horrify the public-make sure there is another train going on the other track.

Even for a homicide detective the scene was kind of gruesome when I pushed everyone out of the way. And I knew I was going to be late- when the evacuated everyone and brought in a clean up crew. That would be the worst job ever- speaking of jobs I'm a half hour late already. Why Does this shit always happen to me.

An hour and 1 smashed up body later I finally arrived at the station. The nervousness was kind of hard to deal with by now. I talked with cragen and then hew walked me out into the main area. That's when I saw her. I could never forget that face. I truly could not forget that face no matter how hard I had tried over the years. It was Olivia Benson. I loved her- I think I still love her. The only woman who I truly thought I would die without was standing 10 feet away. As a detective. In my precint. What the hell.

The room was spinning and I really didn't know what to do. All these people were in front and the one person in the room who mattered just ran out of the room. I stood there for about 5 miuntes and had cragen show me my desk before I went back there and talked to her.

She said all this shit about feelings- I cant remember what. But I leaned in and I kissed her. Something about that moment- I would never forgive my self if I didn't kiss her. Something happened. I didn't know what but I felt alive for the first time in along time. The first time I felt anything real and whole since the attack. An actual emotion that wasn't the kind the pills on the counter stopped from feeling. A real emotion. Something real. And she kissed back. It was easily a beautiful moment. Something out of a movie- but in a way less than perfect life. It was a wonderful moment to feel an emotion.

I knew I couldn't let this go. I couldn't let one more thing slip through my fingers- like my mom, and my dad, and the chance to meet Alex, and how I let Maria slip through my fingers. Everything I ever had had been lost. I was determined to not let this be one of those things.

All of the sudden she flung her arms around my shoulders. And something irreveecable had happened at that moment.