Warning: is full of sexual innuendo, read at your own peril.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Sirius gives Harry the talk. (Using bananas and ring donuts.)

Sirius Black was very nervous, so unlike Sirius. He'd been sitting in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place for four hours, debating on giving Harry 'The Talk' after catching him in a compromising position with one Ginerva Weasley.

He shuddered at the memory, wishing intensely that he could bleach his mind or obliviate himself into oblivion. The kitchen door opened and Remus stepped in, looking tired and wan but relatively cheerful. Sirius scowled at Remus, who raised his eyebrows.

"Who yanked your wand?" said Remus, crossing his arms.

"Yanked...wand AARGH!" said Sirius, scrubbing his face with his hands.

"O...Kay? What is up with you?" said Remus, sitting next to an agitated Sirius.

"I just came across Ginny erm...yanking Harry's wand." said Sirius, looking as if he would puke.

"So? I don't see what OH..." Remus looked as if he was going to start laughing.

"So not funny." said Sirius, looking queasy.

"Of course not Sirius, I think you and Harry need a little chat, don't you?" said Remus, smirking.

Sirius covered his face with his hands; he did not want to be having this conversation with his seventeen year old godson, he felt sick at the thought of the embarrassment, but Remus was right, Harry needed to know the ins and outs (*Shivers) of the birds and the bees.

"Good luck old friend." smirked Remus, patting Sirius on the shoulder and leaving the room.

Sirius could hear Remus roaring with laughter in the hallway as he went up to his room, muttering something Sirius couldn't quite work out. Sirius groaned and got to his feet, shuffling over the cupboard and pulling out a bag of bananas, he then went over to the bread bin, pulling out the box of glazed ring donuts, feeling a snigger coming on at the innuendo associated with the innocent sugary snacks.

He tucked them under his arm, trudging grudgingly up the stairs and hoping against hope that Harry and Ginny had finished their...Studying. To his great relief, he bumped into Ginny on the stairs. She blushed furiously when she saw him, gave a little squeak and rushed into her bedroom.

Sniggering slightly, he made his way towards Harry's bedroom and knocked and upon hearing a very subdued "Come in.", h e entered.

Harry blushed crimson when he saw Sirius and dropped the book he had been holding, electing to lean against the wall and not maintaining eye contact with a smirking Sirius. If he was going to have this conversation then he was going to have some fun with it.

"Harry we need to have a talk." Sirius said, dropping the food on Harry's bed and settling himself on the desk chair.

"About?" said Harry, but he knew very well what about.

"Erm...well...umm sex." said Sirius, blushing slightly.

"Sure what do you want to know?" said Harry, smirking.

Sirius rolled his eyes and cuffed his godson upside the head. Harry stopped sniggering and looked at Sirius pleadingly.

"Please tell me we're not going to have this conversation?" said Harry, groaning slightly.

"Indeed we are." Sirius said, sitting himself next to Harry and picking up the food.

Harry grimaced as he eyed the food, wandering where this was going.

"Now Harry, when a mummy donut and a daddy banana love eachother very much..." Sirius began, taking out the offending items.

"Sirius no.." Harry whined, face postbox red.

"They start to kiss." Sirius brought the donut and banana together.

"Oh Mr Banana I love you mwah." Said Sirius, making kissy noises as he pretened to make the foods kiss.

"SIRIUS!" said Harry, feeling slightly sick.

"They then engage in a special act called intercourse, Mr Banana inserts his banana into Miss Donuts, donut." Sirius said, putting the banana in the donut hole.

Harry meanwhile, looked as if he was going to throw up or hit Sirius, or both.

"Sirius stop..." Harry moaned feebly.

"Now lets just call this banana Harry, and this donut Ginny." said Sirius, waving the small banana around.

"Sirius you tosser!" snapped Harry "Besides, my banana is bigger than that." said Harry sulkily, resigning himself to his fate.

Sirius just sniggered and continued to show a very disturbing demonstration of just what Mr and Mrs Banana do when they love each other.

"And then if you're not careful, nine months later you will have little bananas and donuts running around. Not to mention your banana might get infected." Sirius said.

"And also some donuts might prefer other donuts and some bananas might prefer other bananas."

"But of course there are many alternatives, like eating the banana or shaking it as you well know." said Sirius, raising his eyebrows.

"Sirius just stop!" Harry groaned, wishing he could bleach his mind.

Sirius grinned evilly "Remember kid to always use protection, or you could just hold you own banana. Banana Harry?" said Sirius, holding out the bag.

The rest of the house as they heard Harry shout Sirius' name very loudly, in his bedroom, Remus laughed so hard that he thought he was going to be sick.

Several hours later, a blushing Harry left his room and into the kitchen in search for sustenance "I never want to see another banana again." He thought grimly as he pushed open the door.

Professor Dumbledore was sat at the table, munching on a banana.

"Hello Harry. Care for a banana?"

Harry had to be treated at St. Mungos for severe mental scarring.

Fin.