ii.

Twenty minutes later, having bade his parents goodbye, hidden his sister's wand, and forgotten entirely about his 'mission', Max was back on the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table. He fiddled with the controller and frowned as he read aloud softly from the hint guide that lay open on the cushion next to him.

"Right, so I head four hallways north of the pillow fight room, stop to pick up the rubber chicken with the pulley in the middle, and turn left at second intersection. Then I turn right at the next one, fifty feet after that, kick the wolfman in the nards when he leaps out at me, then jump over him and head straight for the next checkpoint...which is where I should have dropped the chainsaw?" He blinked in confusion at the blank screen before him, then held the controller up, glancing from one hand to the other and back. "Okay, makes sense. Now which one of you puppies is 'left' again?"

Suddenly a black gym bag slammed down on the table next to his leg, startling Max enough that he dropped the controller and let out a strangled squeal worthy of Justin. Looking up from the bag, he realized that Alex was standing over him, hands on her hips and smiling at him tightly in that 'I mean business, so don't even think about pissing me off' way that she had.

"What's this?" Max asked, unconsciously leaning away from her juuuuust a little bit.

"Your overnight bag," Alex explained. "I packed it for you. You're going to be staying at Alfred's for the weekend. All weekend."

Max cocked an eyebrow at her. "I am?"

"Mmm-hmm," Alex nodded. "You guys set it up weeks ago. You're going to camp out together in his back yard."

"We are?" Max asked uncertainly.

"Oh yes," Alex said, her tight, wide smile growing even wider and tighter. "You've really been looking forward to it. You're going to spend the entire weekend reading comics and eating junk food and...not showering, and...I dunno, doing all that other crap that boys your age get off on. It's gonna be sweet."

"It is?" Max said with a grin, warming up to the idea. "But what about my shifts at the Sub Station?"

"Oh, don't worry about it." Alex said, waving one hand dismissively. "We'll manage without you. I mean, let's be honest, we barely notice the difference when you are here."

Max's smile disappeared suddenly, as he narrowed his eyes at his sister. "What?"

"Aheh, I keed, I keed!" Alex chuckled, realizing she was in danger of losing him. She leaned forward to lay a hand on his shoulder. "Now listen, his mom's expecting you, so you better get a move on. You don't want to miss the first round of s'mores while they're still hot off the campfire, do ya?"

"THERE'S GONNA BE S'MORES?" Having heard all he needed to hear, Max leapt up off the couch, threw the bag's shoulder strap over his head, and ran for the front door. It wasn't until he was already halfway out into the hall before his brain caught up to him, bringing him to a sudden stop.

"Waaaaaaaiiiit a second," he said, turning halfway around and wearing a puzzled expression. "Alfred moved away last month."

Alex's face fell. "He did?"

"Right after school let out, yeah," Max nodded. "To South Dakota."

"Aaaaaaand that's where you're going!" Alex said, her wide, tight grin returning. "Picturesque South Dakota! Only voted the very BEST state for end-of-summer backyard campouts, six years out of the last seven, hello?"

"But they don't even have a backyard," Max protested. "Alfred and his dad moved into his uncle's two-bedroom apartment after his parents divorced. And his mom doesn't even live with them anymore, so how is she supposed to be expecting me?"

"Mom, dad...backyard, rickety fire escape...tomato, tomahto, hahahaha!" Alex laughed, waving her hand as if to brush off such petty details as she stalked towards him. "The point is, you're going to South Dakota, you're going to have a great time, and you're absolutely not coming back until Monday. Call us when you get there, say hi to Al for us, have a safe trip, BYE!"

And with that, Alex shoved him out the door and slammed it behind him. Dusting off her hands, she heaved a small sigh of exertion, then spun on her heel and headed for the kitchenette for a congratulatory bottle of water.

She stopped short as the front door squeaked open slowly behind her, and Max poked his head around it into the room.

"If I didn't know better," he said, glaring suspiciously at the back of Alex's head, "I'd say you were trying to get rid of me."

"Damn, " Alex muttered under her breath. "Shoulda locked it!"

"Unfortunately for you," Max continued as he strode back into the apartment and slammed the door behind him, "I've just remembered two things. The first, is that Alfred is deathly allergic to marshmallows. Which means no s'mores. Which means no Max, because Maxie only goes where the s'mores be. Comprende?"

"Uh huh," Alex said flatly. "And the second thing?"

Max beamed proudly at her, and made a show of looking over each shoulder before leaning towards her.

"I've been given a very important mission to complete," he stage-whispered.

"Mission?" Alex spun around and frowned at her little brother. "What mission? What are you talking about? From who?"

Max held up a hand as if to forestall any further questions. "I'm afraid that info's on a need-to-know basis, sister. And you? Don't. Need. To know."

"Ah ha," Alex said, holding his gaze for a beat. "So lemme guess, Mom?"

"Dad, actually."

"I knew it," Alex said sourly, snapping her fingers.

"Damn you and your devious interrogation techniques!" Max snarled, shaking his fist at her. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Max slipped the shoulder strap back over his head, and let his bag drop dramatically to the floor. "But that's the last bit of information you'll get from me, woman. From now on, it's name, rank and serial number only."

"So then what's the deal, here, Max?" Alex pressed. "You're supposed to spy on me? Report back to Dad about my every little movement over the next few days?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Max said as he plopped back down on the couch and picked up the controller again. "Oh, but only if I can do it without arousing suspicion."

Alex stared at him blankly for a moment. "Yeah, good job you're doing there, Sparky."

"Thanks!" Max said brightly. "Say Alex, why were you trying to get rid of me, anyway?"

Before she could answer, a set of muffled footfalls sounded on the winding metal staircase above. They both looked up to see Justin descending towards them, dressed in plaid slippers and silk pajamas, a velvet robe and matching ascot. A pipe was clenched between his teeth. One hand slid along the winding metal rail next to him, while the other was tucked into the front pocket of his robe in what he probably thought was a sophisticated, debonair fashion.

Max's jaw dropped open audibly. Alex snorted as she struggled to contain her laughter.

"All right, Alex," Justin said, oblivious, his voice sounding deeper and huskier than usual. He stared straight ahead as he took one measured step after another down the staircase. "For weeks, now, we've had to sneak around, hiding our feelings, repressing our urges...but now that we're finally alone, at last...at long, long last...it's time for us to cast aside these ridiculous pretenses and obsolete societal mores, and throw ourselves with reckless abandon into OHMIGOD MAX WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

Alex and Max stared at Justin wide-eyed as the pipe slipped out from beneath his teeth and clattered to the stair below. He came down on it with his right foot, slipped backwards as it came out from under him, then tumbled ass-over-teakettle down the last few remaining stairs to land in a rumpled silk heap on the floor.

"Justin!" Alex cried, rushing towards him. Unhurt, Justin bounded up off the ground like an inflatable punching bag clown, and grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Alex, you were supposed to get rid of him!" he hissed under his breath. "I heard the front door slam! Why is he still on this side of it?"

"Dude, what the hell are you wearing?" Max asked, genuinely curious.

"Yes, Justin," Alex said pointedly, shrugging his hands off her shoulders and tilting her head to one side in amusement. "What the hell are you wearing? And do you think Hugh Hefner suspects his pajamas are missing?"

Max frowned at her in confusion. "Who's Hugh Hefner?"

Justin blanched, looked from Alex to Max and back again, then grabbed Alex by the hand and dragged her bodily after him into the kitchenette. Only once there were safely behind the island did he drop her hand, point at Max, and hiss "Why is he why is he why is he?"

"I tried to get rid of him, but he won't budge!" Alex whined. "Dad's left him to spy on me."

Justin's complexion actually went a shade paler. "But this is the weekend-we were finally gonna-oh God, do you think he knows?"

"Max?" Alex scoffed. "Please. He barely knows his own name."

"Dad, I mean! Dad!" Justin snarled. "Of course I don't mean Max! Don't be ridiculous!"

"Uh, guys?" Max said from the couch, holding up one finger. "Kitchen doesn't have walls, and I'm sitting right here..."

"Justin, get a grip," Alex snarked, ignoring him. "Do you really think Mom and Dad would even have left if they suspected...well, this?"

She reached up and tugged playfully on his ascot. Justin reared back and swatted her hand away in annoyance.

"Relax, would you?" Alex continued with a smile. "Clearly they just want to make sure I don't bail on you for the weekend, or whatever. Which, dude? Is becoming more and more of a possibility the longer you wear that ridiculous get-up. You are seriously gonna have to change, 'cause this whole ensemble you've got going on here is doing less than nothing for me..."

"Really." Justin's eyes tightened a little at the corners as he smiled. "Because if it's making you want to get me out of it, then mission accomplished."

Alex cocked an eyebrow at this, impressed with him despite herself.

"Well, then..." she purred, taking a step towards him as she reached for the ascot again.

Justin grabbed her wrist and nodded towards the couch. "Max!" he hissed.

"Hmm?" Max looked up from where he'd become absorbed in the hint book. "Oh right, spy. Can you guys do the last five minutes over again? I forgot to pay attention."

Alex and Justin stared at him with a mixture of disbelief and pity.

"You know, I'm genuinely beginning to think we could actually do it in plain sight, right here on the counter in front of him, and he'd still be completely oblivious," Justin observed.

Max blinked at him. "Do what now?"

"Ew, don't be gross!" Alex made a face as she swatted at Justin's arm. "Jesus Christ, Justin...can't you just, I dunno, charm Max into going to South Dakota, or something?"

"Uh, once again," Max said, raising his hand as if to get their attention, and pointing to himself. "Still right here. No walls. Able to hear everything."

Ignoring him, Justin frowned at Alex in confusion. "South Dako—? Why would I send him to—?"

"Away, Justin!" Alex said, stomping her foot impatiently. "Charm him away from here. I don't particularly care where, just as long as he's not here for the weekend!"

"But I thought that was what you were gonna do! Getting rid of him was your job!"

"And if I still actually had my wand to do it with, do you think we'd be standing here having this conversation?" Alex flung both arms in the direction of her younger brother. "So c'mon...whip it out, lay the smack down on him, do that twirly thing around your finger that you seem to think is oh-so-cool, and then we can finally get down to...y'know, stuff!"'

"Ah-HA! STUFF!" Max shouted, pointing at each of them in turn. "You're planning to get down to STUFF! It's all coming together. Your little web of intrigue is all starting to unravel. Damn, but I'm good at this."

"Alex," Justin said soberly (after another shared moment spent staring at Max with pity and disbelief), "I'm not going to charm Max to go to...I'm sorry, South Dakota, was it?"

"It's not important, egghead!" Alex snapped. "Send him back to Mars for all I care! Just send him already!"

"I'm not sending him anywhere," Justin said firmly, then visibly deflated beneath his silk pajamas with a heavy sigh. "I can't."

"Oh, holy rollerblading mother of God, why not?"

"Yeah, why not?" Max said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. "I'm curious, myself."

His eyes darting from one sibling to the other and back, Justin shrugged his shoulders against his velvet robe, and awkwardly cleared his throat. "Well, you see...with great power comes great responsibility..."

"Sweet Jesus in a smoking birchbark canoe," Alex groaned, dropping her head and pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. "You cannot be serious."

"What?" Justin protested, his voice cracking as it raised an octave. "You remember what happened when Professor Crumbs found out you turned Mom and Dad into guinea pigs to hide your report card from them! How do you think he's going to react if he finds out I sent our little brother to South Dakota so we could—?"

"And how the hell is he supposed to find out?" Alex cut him off, incredulous. "I'm sure as hell not gonna tell him! Are you?"

"We agreed that we need to keep this on the down-low, Alex," Justin said, in that condescending, too-patient-but-really-not-patient-at-all voice that he knew annoyed her. "Does it not strike you that charming a minor into crossing state lines all on his own might be a little high-profile?"

"Crossing state—? Would you stop being so literal and forget about South Dakota, already? It was a figure of speech!"

"Uh, since when is 'South Dakota' a figure of speech?" Max chimed in from the couch.

"QUIET!" Alex and Justin shouted over their shoulders at him in unison.

"I'm not doing it," Justin said with an air of finality, crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head. "I've been looking forward to this weekend as much as you have, Alex. Probably moreso... but it's not worth the risk of losing my powers if we're found out."

"Fine!" Alex growled. Without looking up, she thrust out a hand towards him, palm up. "Then give me your wand, and I'll do it."

"Oh, HELL no!" Justin recoiled from her as though her hand was diseased. "Are you crazy? A crack Wiz-CSI team can tie the signature of an illegal spell to the wand that fired it for periods of up to twenty years! And I am SO not taking the fall for you."

"Dammit Justin, would you stop being so goddamned paranoi—wow, twenty years? Really?"

Silent, Justin merely nodded in a sagelike manner. Alex grimaced, her mouth to one side, and turned her head to face the door. "Huh. So maybe Dad losing my wand at Grandma's again wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, after all..."

"Oh, GOD!" Justin shouted, slapping one hand to his forehead. "He took it to GRANDMA'S? But the...the TOMATOES...!"

Now it was Alex and Max who stared at their brother with twin expressions of disbelief, bordering on pity.

"Sooooo, let me get this straight," Alex sighed. Twisting at the waist, she pointed over the island's countertop to Max. "You refuse to leave the house all weekend unless explicitly charmed to do so."

"Sorry," Max shrugged. "Orders are orders. Dad's expecting a full report on Monday night."

"And you," Alex continued, swiveling around to level her index finger at Justin, "refuse to explicitly charm him to leave us the hell alone, or allow me to use your wand to do same, because you are, as always, a big rule-abiding wuss."

Flinching as though she'd slapped him, Justin pointedly avoided her gaze, and reached up to pull absently at the edge of his ascot. "I am. I mean, I do."

"Great," Alex deadpanned. Tilting her head slightly to one side, she fixed Justin with one of her patented too-tight smiles. "Well, guess what I've just decided I'm refusing to do this weekend?"

Justin's face fell. His glanced at Max, then turned his back to him and laid a hand on his sister's arm. "Alex, c'mon...OK, I know it sucks that we can't be alone like we planned, but we can still—"

"Oh, as IF!" Alex snapped, batting his hand away and taking a step back from him. "If the goddamned sanctity of your wand is really more important to you than—"

She broke off with a quick glance at Max.

"...than getting down to stuff..." Max supplied helpfully.

Alex blinked at him, then squared her shoulders and jut her chin out at Justin. "Have fun playing with your wand this weekend, Justin. Don't worry, I won't be going anywhere near it."

"Alex...," Justin said softly, reaching for her. With a growl, Alex dodged under his arm and stormed off, the heels of her boots clanking angrily on the metal staircase as she wound her way upstairs. Both Justin and Max looked up, their eyes tracing the path of her footsteps across the ceiling above them, and flinched when her bedroom door closed with a slam.

In the silence that followed in her wake, Justin exhaled slowly, then reached up to tug the ascot free from his neck. Max frowned at him.

"So no getting down, I take it?" he asked. "No stuff?"

"Probably not, no," Justin admitted as he threw the ascot to the counter in disgust. "I don't see a lot of 'getting down' or 'stuff' in my immediate future."

"Awwwww man," Max groaned. "Just when it was getting good, too. So much for an exciting weekend."

Justin sighed heavily, then looked back up to the ceiling, at the spot where Alex's footsteps had ended. "Yeah, tell me about it."