It's with a heavy heart that I close the door on this chapter of my life.
It aches with an unspeakable pain. Heavy, like the armor I wear.
I wear it because I am a coward, I run, because I am a coward. Father is no longer here. Neither is Uncle Dun, Uncle Cao Cao, Uncle Cao Pi...
Nothing but whispers in the wind. The wind hits me, a breeze kisses me as I stand on these plains. I don't turn back, I can't. I can't look back, I can't face their accusing eyes.
Am I running away from that, too?
As the breeze hits me, I wonder if its you, Father. What would you think of me as I walked out this door? Would you laugh? Would you cry? A pat in the back? A finger pointed in my face? Accusing me?
I almost laugh at the irony of us. Where you were gruff and burly, I was baby-faced and slender. Sandy blond hair with a gleaming smile. I was always so unsure, you were the life of the party.
So I ask you again. What would you think of me? What do you think as I walk out this door?
I leave not out of anger, but out of cowardice. The Cao's reign is over, replaced by the Sima's. I fear for my life. I'm not like you, I can't fight them. I must do what I must to survive.
Are you watching me now, Father? The breeze hits, I think you're holding my hand. I want to grab it, I want to squeeze it, hold it close, like you always held me, but I can't. I can't hold inanimate objects. Like my pride, like my dignity, like...like you...it slips through my fingers.
Are you smiling? What is on your mind?
Of course. To think a dead man thinks. I must be crazy. But your soul speaks to me, doesn't it? I hear it loud and clear, don't I? Would you yell at me, for what I'm about to do?
Heavy are the steps I make, heavy is this burden. The armor I wear, it's the armor I wear around my heart.
But I've made my choice.
The green pastures, the green flags, the stares of the green eyes.
Shu.
The very place that took you from me. The only place I could turn to. It sounds almost idiotic. How could I turn to the ones that brought a piece of my pain to begin with? Did I really think they could protect me, when they took away the only thing I considered protective?
Huang Zhong is long gone now, but his sins still ring deep in my heart. Shu took you from me, yet I'm here...begging for help.
I'm on my knees, I can't hold this heaviness anymore. Am I a fool, father?
Of course I am. To think...I turn to Shu. I can't hide from those prying eyes. I can't hide from those whispers. They stare at me, I feel so uneasy.
This air I breathe, it's calm. It's a calming sensation, but it feels tainted. I wonder if I can smell your blood in it, after all, Shu was responsible for spilling it. I wonder if they still wear it.
I'm a part of Shu, now, I wonder if I wear it.
What do you think of me now, Father? I've thrown away the threads of blue, tossed them into oblivion. I've metamorphosed into green. You wouldn't want to look at me now. You wouldn't want to look at my shame.
But I fought not to serve a lord. You were the only man I could serve. I fought to survive.
But I was a coward, and so I ran.
Traitor.
Betrayer.
Forsaker.
You're ashamed of me.
Am I safe here? Did I make the right choice?
My father. Are you even listening?
Can you hear me calling? Can you see me crying?
Again, I fall to my knees upon this heavy burden. The tears fall along with my dignity and shame.
And no longer do I feel the breeze. My father, no longer do I feel you here with me.
