o1

Healing is not the easiest part

(on the contrary, is the hardest one).

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December, 1998.

"How do you feel?"

"Worthless"

A flash of surprise passed on her eyes.

"Oh, that's a new one" his therapist commented after a few moments passed in silence. He fidget in his seat and tried to intake as much air as he could, like she taught him to.

In. Out.

In.

Out.

He opened his eyes and stared right at her blue ones.

"I am just so tired. Tired of everything... Sometimes I wonder why they defended me at all in that courtroom. If I'd had the death sentence or gone to that horrid place with Father, I would understand and accept it and everything would be fine. Now I am stuck here, with you and at the Manor" he spat.

Her eyebrows just rose up. Draco growled undeterred.

"I cannot go to Hogwarts because I'm hexed. Mother spends her time crying after her monthly visit to Azkaban then worrying that Malfoy business has plumed down, that I'm 'too thin, Draco! Dear boy, would kill you to eat while working? And why don't you invite your friends to talk, darling? I can't stand seeing you alone like this! '" he mimicked his Mother rolling his eyes.

"You feel worthless and tired because you can't go anywhere then? You are under house arrest after all"

He finally lost it.

"No, you idiotic woman!" he screeched standing up and pacing "I feel worthless and tired of living! I shouldn't be here, don't you understand? It must be some kind of sick revenge of the Golden Trio to try and let me walk free so I will torment myself in reclusion and then go mad!" Draco panted before a sob wrecked his body.

"Why would torment yourself, Draco?" his therapist asked calmly, like he hasn't just offended her.

"Do you even hear yourself, woman?" he cried "I've killed people! All my damned family has and we supported and financially helped that madman, he lived in my bloody house and she was tortured on my fucking floor! How could I be here? Why?" his knees buckled and he fell down, gasping for air.

Ms. Bramley didn't even blink. She just asked.

"Why shouldn't you?"

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March, 1999.

"You look awful" his therapist's blue eyes shined while analyzing how his clothes were hanging from his body.

"Thank you" he rasped.

They sat a couple of minutes in silence while Ms. Bramley waited for him to speak and Draco avoided her gaze staring at the window of the plain and boring office.

"How's work?" she tried and saw his grimace "Well?"

"After last week appointment I returned to my office and couldn't leave until now" Draco stopped and let out a long suffering sigh "No one wants to do business with my family, so I reached the conclusion that we ought to change the name of our group because as much as people aren't daft enough to cut business with us due to our marvellous reputation" he dragged the word "the name Malfoy was straining our relationship with business partners and investments banks and so on… As was I. No one wanted to sit on a table with me because my face and mark were plastered at every single newspaper last September. And no one will come near the Manor to seal a deal nor would wanted a floo call as means to do so. I am a convict. Guilty as charged. Not good for PR nor a good face to put at the end of an boarding table. So I've appointed Theo and Blaise as co-CEOs."

"Oh, Draco-"

His palm was up in the air in an instant, interrupting her as he clenched his eyes shut.

"It's okay, really. I've still got the last word about everything so they have to report to me... They are good blokes, you know. I'm lucky that Blaise and his mother stayed the hell away from Britain during the War, their reputation are intact thus a marketable face - he and Theo. While Theo father was marked as well, Theo postponed his marking until the very last battle, the lucky bastard. They are good. We've known each other and been friends since diapers. The family business are on good hands"

"I am sure it is. What are you going to do now?"

"I am still working at the Manor office. I have so many things to take care off because Father stopped everything to follow his damned Lord " he spat the word "And there's much that I need to learn and read because the Malfoy House has tangled itself with a lot of governments and shite. Also Mother needs to see a healer and take some vacation… I think some therapy like this would be good to her. Merlin knows how I would've coped if I couldn't rant here."

"I am pleased to hear that you actually appreciate and no longer faces it as a punishment" the woman sounded gleeful.

"Can you do me a favour, Ms. Bramley?"

"Depends of the favour, Draco."

"Would you tell me about how you manage it? To live without magic, I mean" he tried to sound humble and cringed at his own words "I do not wish to offend you… is just… it had been so difficult these past few months, with no wand. Obviously, Mother and the Elves had been an immense help but I… I feel so hopeless and helpless without it. How do Muggles live like that?"

Ms. Bramley looked pleased with whatever he said and nodded "Very well, then, Draco…".

.

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August, 1999.

"Do you hate me?" Draco asked as soon as he sat on the plush coach.

"Draco! What kind of question is that?" she looked positively horrified and Draco rolled up his sleeve.

"Look at this, Ms. Bramley. This represent the utmost hatred towards your sister and her kind" he shoved his right arm at eyesight "How could you not hate me? I was the very thing that made her run away to America or so you told me. This represent every mean word thrown at her way, every nasty look or jinx she had to suffer during her school years. How can you tolerate my very presence in the same room as you?"

Ms. Bramley stared at him for a long silence, watching his sagged shoulders, his pleadings eyes begging her for something that she could not give. At last, Ms. Bramley folded her hands at her lap and did not break the eye contact with Draco's silver eyes.

"You know, my sister asked me the very same question. I offered my services to your Ministry to only treat the children who have suffered at the wat. You did what you did, Draco, because you didn't knew any better and when you did it was too late."

"You are only repeating-"

"Now, Draco, our meetings are nearing its end and you've told me plenty. I gave you a lot to think about in our sessions and I know you've been mulling over them. In the following weeks you will be released of the house arrest. What do you plan to do?"

Draco only gaped at her, caught surprised with her statement that she would approve of his rehabilitation as a wizard in the society. She did not feel he was a threat.

"I haven't got the foggiest!" he stammered and Ms. Bramley only laughed.

"Well, you should think about it. What have you ever want to do but never could?"

"Travel, I suppose. Without a care in the word. Just look at some old place and learn its history. Sweden." he smiled softly with eyes glazed picturing a far fetched dream.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, the wizardry community in Sweden is millenial. I've always wanted to go there but Father and Mother didn't share my enthusiasm… I suppose now that Mother is in Austria with some distant cousin, and the business is going okay with Theo and Blaise, I could have some vacation where no one recognizes me. Now is a good time as any" he mused out loud and his therapist nodded in approvement.

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October, 1999.

Mother,

I hope this letter finds you well. How are you? Still in the lovely Vienna or you decided to go to the countryside? How is cousin Adela?

Ms. Bramley gave me a name of another therapist that you can consult with if you desire to. I know you don't want to but I must insist on the matter, Mother. Please, do think about it. The therapy helps heal a lot… I know it's hard and painful reliving everything, however talk through the pain helps to soothe it afterwards.

Odd, isn't it?

Muggles apparently know more about how to deal with trauma than us. I am not sure what this say about us or them, but I'm glad that they've force me to attend thrapy.

I think a lot, now. My nights are restless and sleep is as rare as seeing an unicorn. I can't help it though. Father gave his life and thus mine and yours to that madman, but the Dark Lord was of Grandfather Abraxas time. What does that mean? Are you and Father like me? No questions asked and just doing the family duty or you embraced the blood status crap and its power for another reason entirely?

I am trying to make sense of everything. It's just... so hard.

Sometimes I hate both of you, but I know it's only my angriness talking. I know it and nevertheless I feel as I can't face you nor Father until I find some answers of my own. That's my reason for not going to stop by Vienna.

I'm heading North. Without a wand, everything is harder. I went to Muggle London the other day to try and find a library and observe how they manage their lives without magic. Everything is terribly confusing, however I managed to buy a book about camping in the wildness and another one in basic cooking.

I'll be in touch.

Take care, Mother. And don't worry, the business are fine. Do try and enjoy yourself.

With love,

Draco.

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December, 1999.

Mother,

I apologize for not contacting you sooner. There have been some… issues on my way to the North. Alas, I'm finally in Stockholm and it's breathtaking as well as cold. I feel cold in my bones, Mother, even with damn heating charms.

I've decided to a very unusual trip and went to Normandy in France to start from there up until here. I visited almost all the wizard villages on my way up and it's been so invigorating. No one know who I am or what I've done, I don't ever give our family name. Never would I dream that someday I would do such a thing, but it made everything easier. I'm traveling with a couple in their 30s from Netherlands and a boy in a mid 20s from India. We are a really odd group, mind you. Pabu eats with his hand and is so very cheerful that sometimes I get a headache. However, they don't make me feel any less nor like I am royalty like the British do when they hear our name. It's refreshing.

Up here is everything I ever hoped and more. The magical community vibrates with magic and it's wonderful. At the local tavern I've met a old lady that told me I look like her late husband when they were kids and I couldn't help but feel warm. It felt so foreign. I am not sure what it was, but I think it was contempt. It's bittersweet, actually, to feel it with a complete stranger and have never felt it at home.

I am not sure I want to go home any time soon, Mother. Over here, with these strange people, they make me laugh and feel carefree and so bloody light. Sometimes these tiny little fleeting moments are enough to get me through the day and not to feel so sad all the time. Am I a coward for running away from home, leaving you alone and Father in prison? Being brave is foolishness but being a coward is shameful and embarrassing. What I should be, then?

This little village is millennial, submerged in the viking culture and they're so ahead of us, Mother. The use of wand is dispensable, not necessary like is it for us. I am thinking of staying for a couple of months and learn with them. They know how to communicate with the very elements of the earth and connect their magic core within their minds and flesh. There's so much that we don't know. I am very glad that I decided to come and very grateful to Idun. She reminds me of you in some ways, Mother - not the age, mind you.

Idun is hosting me and Pabu at her house in a small wizarding village northeast of Stockholm so I will have company in the winter solstice. Idun is warm and kind and I feel like I'm betraying you somehow. I am so sorry, Mother. I hope someday I'll be enough and deserving of a mother like you.

I'm glad that you found a therapist in Greece. Do enjoy it, will you?

Send word as soon as you can.

With love,

D.

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April, 2000.

Mother,

Can you believe it's been already more than seven months we last saw each other? I miss you dearly.

Blaise told me in his last letter that you're thinking of moving out of the Manor; Where are you planning to live, then? I know how you find Diagon Alley distasteful and noisy. Maybe another village near London? Oh, but you do love the country. Or in Wales, near the shore? You've always loved the sea. Perhaps a little cottage will suit you just fine.

But we ought to discuss it in more details because we cannot sell the Manor, Father would have a fit and you know it. I can't find in myself to live there alone as well thus I don't blame you for wanting to move. Maybe we should reform the Manor before Father is released so we can rip out the memories of that madman living and torturing in our house. What do you think?

I've left Saint Petersburg a few weeks ago and I'm heading southeast and I hope to get to China before long. Idun told me before I left Sweden that I should go there to read olds scrolls and try to meditate. That I would rid myself of my own demons or something. Not sure if she was completely sane but I find myself trusting her like never before. My wandless magic is improving everyday, after all and I do owe her this, thus China is my next stop.

The mountains of the North are incredible, Mother. Such a vision. Soon, there will be only plains and an unbearable heat. You'll be pleased to know that my drawing and sketching are much better. Perhaps I should've been taught more about astrology and philosophy than been allowed to spend that much time playing and being an arse with my so called friends.

It surprised me to no end to realise that you and Father were always out while Dobby and the tutors raised me. How could I beat him that much if Dobby took care of me like that? It astonishes me.

We are so brutal, Mother.

But Idun taught me what it means to be grateful. It's an odd thing, isn't it? Do you know what is to be or feel gratefulness? Or you hadn't taught me because you didn't know as well?

Ms. Bramley told me once that we've done the things we did because we didn't knew any better. Perhaps you and Father didn't know how to be parents... Idun told me it's a very tricky and tiring thing, but rewarding as well when you try it.

I want to be better, Mother, to do better. Can we be more than only our parents' byproduct?

I hope you are well.

With love,

D.