Tony was very careful to keep his hands to himself when he was around Bucky.
He had seen the other man's reaction to being touched by various members of their team and it never went well. In the end everyone was especially careful around Bucky and Tony was no exception to that.
It was a bit hard for him because he was working on the arm and Tony had to constantly remind himself to stick to the metal part, to not carelessly brush along skin, but he managed. It also didn't help that Tony himself found touch to be a comforting thing, both giving and receiving, but he tried to reign himself in, for Bucky's sake.
He hadn't responded well to being touched and even though it had been quite some time now Bucky had never made a move to indicate that it was okay now.
Tony saw that Steve wanted to touch Bucky all the time but whenever he extended his hand Bucky's face twitched and Steve lowered it again. Tony had touched Bucky exactly once and he still regretted it.
It had been in the coffee shop and it had been pure instinct to protect Bucky. But Bucky had frozen under his touch, rendered completely motionless, and Tony swore to himself to never do that to Bucky again. It had been stupid in the first place because Tony wasn't in his suit, which ended in a rather spectacularly bruised back, and Bucky was more than capable of taking care of himself, as he demonstrated once he came out of his shock.
They didn't talk about it afterwards, Tony too afraid that he destroyed the trust Bucky had to have in him in order to let him work on the arm, and Bucky just vanished afterwards; that made it very clear that he didn't want to talk about it.
Tony had thought that it also meant that they were through but Bucky came down to the workshop three days later, shyly complaining about limited movement in his fingers. Tony was so relieved to see him back down here that he stared for a few seconds before his brain kicked back in. He ushered Bucky to his usual seat and everything went back to normal after that.
Bucky made good progress with his recovery and he also started to talk more. He didn't just accept everything he was presented with but he demanded things for himself now. It was small things, things that wouldn't justify recognition with anyone else, but since it was Bucky everyone picked up on it. He also joined movie night more regularly now, though he still stuck to his chair on the side.
Tony wasn't staring at Bucky, he wasn't a creep, but he was watching enough to notice the subtle change on his face whenever one of the team touched someone else. It didn't stand out so much during the day but during movie night everyone touched at least one other person and Bucky seemed to be uncomfortable with that even though he didn't participate and no one made a move to touch him.
Tony guessed that the concept of touch wasn't positive for Bucky, that he didn't understand the comfort that could come from it, and his heart ached for him. Tony hadn't been very tactile before Afghanistan but after that experience he had learned that touch from the right person could be very comforting.
Since the team had moved into the tower Tony had found that all of his teammates were the right person and since no one objected he wasn't shy about seeking that comfort out. He was a bit hesitant around Steve because there was this whole Captain America leader thing going on but since Steve never objected Tony figured it wasn't a problem for him.
But it was obvious that Bucky wouldn't find comfort in touch and so Tony made sure to never touch him. He came close, a few times, working on the arm or just reaching out for him out of habit but he never really made the contact. Whenever that happened something in Bucky's face shifted and Tony was glad that he caught himself. He didn't want to be the reason for the look of fear or disgust on that face.
Over the time Bucky spend more and more time down in the workshop. Tony had asked him about that once, thinking that it had to remind him too much of Hydra to be comfortable, but Bucky had shrugged and mumbled "There is life down here" before he settled into his usual spot on the couch.
Tony hadn't asked about it further but he looked around and it was true. There was life down here. Dummy and You were rolling around happily chirping away, music was blaring, there were always some diagnostics that ran in the background and Tony himself wasn't quiet either. He bantered with Jarvis or scolded one of his bots or just plainly ran his mouth and Tony could see how that would be comforting to Bucky.
Tony had read the files and as far as he could see none of that was like the room Hydra kept Bucky in. So he didn't comment when Bucky came in and he especially didn't say anything about the odd hours.
Tony kept odd hours because he forgot to sleep or whatever he did was more important than sleep, and only sometimes because he had a nightmare, but he guessed that nightmares were Bucky's main reason. When he came down during the night he was usually sweaty and pale and he was a shivering mess more often than not.
Tony had asked once but Bucky just glared at him so he never brought it up again. He did however bring down several blankets and even though Bucky never mentioned them he huddled under them and whenever that happened Tony couldn't help but smile; at least he could help with that.
Whenever Bucky was in the workshop during the day Steve would join them eventually. Tony understood that he was worried about his friend, that he sought his company as much as possible after thinking he was dead for so long, but it irritated Tony and he liked it better at night, when it was just the two of them.
He never said anything of course, how could he when Bucky still barely tolerated more than one person at a time, and still didn't want to be touched; but he accepted them and Tony wouldn't ruin that.
During the nights Tony sometimes caught Bucky staring at his hands like he wasn't sure what to do with them or what their purpose was and every time that happened Tony wanted nothing more than to go over and take his hands into his own, to tell him that it was okay, but he never did. He wanted Bucky to be happy down here, to feel safe, and invading his personal space, crossing boundaries like that, certainly wouldn't help.
Time passed by and one evening Tony noticed that Bucky's unreadable flinch whenever someone touched anyone changed into something painful. Tony thought that Bucky was doing better now, he actively participated and even moved the chair next to the couch, but it seemed like his aversion to touch only got worse.
So it caught Tony by surprise when he saw Bucky extend a hand towards Steve, who had his back towards him, only to withdraw the hand in the last second. Tony witnessed this behaviour a few more times before he noticed that it was strictly limited to Steve.
Bucky never tried to touch anyone else and Tony didn't know how to feel about that. It was good that Bucky tried to overcome that particular obstacle but Tony had thought that they were close enough now that Bucky would also put his trust into him. Tony knew of course that nothing could compare to the friendship and history Bucky and Steve had, and that was okay, it really was. It was helping Bucky, but sometimes, just sometimes, it hurt that Bucky wouldn't rely on him. Tony kept silent about it though and he tried to accept it. It was harder than Tony would have liked but there was nothing else he could do about it.
He watched this routine for a few more days before he decided to talk to Steve about it. He called him down to the workshop when Bucky was out for his meeting with his therapist so Tony could be sure that he wouldn't suddenly drop by.
"Tony" Steve greeted when he entered the shop, "what is it?"
Tony whirled around on his chair to face him and fiddled with his screwdriver. "It's about Bucky, actually."
Steve immediately looked worried. "Did he do something? He isn't stable yet, you know that, so please…"
"Steve, relax. He didn't do anything" Tony quickly explained and Steve sat down on the couch obviously relieved. "Thank god. Then what is it?" he asked and rubbed a hand over his face.
"Did you notice that he has a thing about touching?" Tony asked, even though he was pretty sure that didn't escape Steve's notice and to prove him right Steve let out a bitter laugh.
"Of course I did. The first time I reached for him he flinched. I never tried to touch him after that."
Yeah, Tony could only imagine how that went. "Okay. But did you also notice that he tries to touch you now?" he questioned and watched Steve closely and that was the only reason he saw the fleeting, tight smile that crossed his face.
"I noticed" Steve silently said and sat up, elbows on his knees. "I noticed. It has been gone on for some time now. He never does it though and so I didn't say anything. I don't want him to feel pressured."
Tony nodded, he could get behind that reasoning. "Okay. I just wanted to make sure that it didn't escape your notice" he said and waved a hand around. This time Steve's smile lasted longer.
"Did you also notice he tries to touch you too?" Steve asked in return and Tony couldn't help but to blink in surprise.
"He does what? Why would he?"
Steve shrugged at that. "He seems to trust you."
Tony thought about that. It bugged him that he hadn't noticed it himself but he was unexplainably happy about it. Sure, Bucky hadn't actually touched him yet, he hadn't overcome his aversion, but it looked like Bucky did trust him enough to trust him with this big step, if it ever would come to that.
"You really didn't notice?" Steve asked after a while and Tony shook his head. "Tony, he spends all his time down here. Literally every second he can spare. Of course he would trust you with that as well. Christ, he lets you work on the arm. I'm not even allowed to touch him, let alone that arm."
That came as a surprise to Tony. He had thought that the arm was a different matter, that Bucky wasn't so sensitive there and that that was the only reason he allowed Tony to work on it. Seemed he had been wrong about that.
Steve chuckled at his very obviously surprised expression but Tony couldn't find it in him to be angry about that. "Yeah, yeah, you just laugh" he said but he had to smile as well.
After that they changed topics and Steve actually stayed in the workshop for quite some time. When Tony had resumed his work Steve produced a paper and pencil from somewhere and started to sketch.
They were both still engrossed in their work when Bucky walked in. He seemed surprised to see Steve down here but he sat down on the couch next to him. He kept a small distance between them, just enough to not accidentally touch when one of them moved, but he seemed pretty relaxed.
"How did it go with the therapist?" Steve asked without taking his eyes off his work.
"Okay" Bucky shrugged and kept his eyes on his hands which were fiddling with the hem of his shirt. "There are some things I still have to work on" he eventually added and looked first at Steve and then at Tony who smiled at him. Bucky quickly avoided his eyes again but he stayed on the couch.
The three of them spend the rest of the day like this, Steve only getting up to get more paper, until Jarvis announced that Bruce had cooked for the team.
They kept this routine up for the next couple of weeks; Steve was with them more often than not but the nights still belonged to only Tony and Bucky.
One night Bucky seemed more composed than usual when he came down and instead of settling down on the couch he got himself a chair and sat next to Tony to watch him work.
Tony was trying to make a new arrow for Clint, one that could cause multiple explosions, but it wasn't going so well. So far it had blown up twice in his face and Tony's ears were still ringing a bit.
"What happened?" Bucky asked and pointed at his face, presumably at some grease or some leftover of the explosion.
"Didn't work like I wanted" Tony gritted out, screwdriver in his mouth. "Blew up."
"Shouldn't someone check that out?" Bucky asked and pointed at his forehead. Tony touched were Bucky was pointing at and flinched when his fingers met something wet.
"Jarvis" he sighed and put a rag to the wound.
"You told me to not say a word, sir" Jarvis replied and Tony rolled his eyes.
"How bad?" he asked and was surprised when Bucky instead of Jarvis answered. "Doesn't look too bad. A band aid would be good, though."
"Gotcha" Tony answered and got up to get the first aid kit he kept in the workshop for precisely those situations. He briefly considered asking Bucky to put it on but he seemed so good tonight and Tony didn't want to ruin that so he asked Jarvis to pull up a mirror so he could do it himself.
It really wasn't that bad and the band aid was securely in place a moment later. Bucky briefly looked stricken and Tony saw how he raised his hand but when Tony turned back around he sat there like before, though he seemed a bit sad.
"So what's up, Buckaroo?" Tony asked in an attempt to lighten the mood. That nickname never failed to make Bucky smile and today was no exception.
"Nothing" he shrugged. "Couldn't fall asleep."
That explained his relatively good mood and was a hell of a let better than being awake because of nightmares. "Well, be my guest, obviously" Tony said and went back to his work.
After some minutes he noticed that Bucky was eying him curiously. "What" Tony asked without taking his eyes from the arrowhead. He didn't want to blow it up yet again.
"When do you sleep?" Bucky asked promptly and he sounded genuinely curious.
"Mostly I don't" Tony shrugged. "And when I do it's a nap really." Tony had expected that question much earlier because he was always there when Bucky came down.
He wasn't about to admit that Jarvis usually woke him up when Bucky woke up from a nightmare, so that he could be down here before Bucky made his way down to the workshop and so far it had worked well. But still, no need to admit that.
"But don't you need sleep?" Bucky inquired further and Tony shrugged again.
"It's not like I don't sleep. It's just a big waste of time and I do it when it's least inconvenient."
Bucky raised an eyebrow at that but he let it go, much to Tony's relief. "What are you doing there" he asked instead of pestering Tony more about his sleeping habit and Tony gladly explained the concept.
It wasn't like Steve didn't understood Tony when he started to talk about his work but he was just not interested. Unlike Bucky who wanted to know everything and asked questions if he didn't understand something the first time. In the beginning Tony had thought that it would eventually annoy him to explain everything he was doing but to his surprise that wasn't the case.
Quite the opposite really, he enjoyed the attentive company and had no problem going over a thing a couple of times. So they spend the rest of the night like that, Tony explaining and Bucky content with listening and asking the occasional question.
It was one of Tony's favourite nights even though on occasions like this it was hard to not touch Bucky. When he didn't came down because of a nightmare he always seemed relaxed and when he was sitting next to Tony he leaned into his space especially if Tony showed him something. When Bucky did that Tony itched to lean against him, to touch his shoulder but he always pulled back, much to Bucky's relieve like it seemed.
Still it was by far better than when Bucky came in because he had a nightmare which happened a few nights later.
Jarvis announced Bucky's approach so Tony wasn't surprised when he showed up a few minutes later. What he hadn't expected though was the state Bucky was in. He was as pale as a ghost, hair sticking up where it wasn't plastered to his skin and he was a shivering mess. What worried Tony the most though was that Bucky was crying and that hadn't happened before.
"Bucky" Tony exclaimed and rushed to his side. He wanted to take his arm to stabilize him but he didn't think that it would be appreciated so he stood there, arms hanging uselessly at his side and at a total loss as to what to do.
"Tony" Bucky practically whimpered and clutched his shirt. "Please" he breathed and looked so frightened that it hurt Tony. Bucky was supposed to feel safe down here.
"What can I do, Buck?" he asked and didn't quite dare to take Bucky's hand.
"I need...can you just...touch me, please?" His voice was small and he didn't meet Tony's eyes but Tony didn't hesitate. He had waited very long for that permission.
"Of course" he said and instantly covered Bucky's hand on his shirt with his. "Let's get you to the couch, okay?" he asked and put his other hand under Bucky's arm to guide him there.
Tony wasn't quite sure how much touch Bucky could tolerate right now but he shouldn't have worried because as soon as they were sitting down Bucky latched onto his side. He threw his arms around Tony's middle and pressed his face into his shoulder and then he didn't move.
"Okay, Buck. I'm just gonna get a blanket, don't move" Tony eventually said and very carefully stretched to put it over both of them. He tucked Bucky in in hopes to warm him up so that the shivering would stop and then he put his arms around Bucky. Tony stroke his back until the shivering stopped and then he pulled Bucky even closer.
"Try to get some sleep, Buck" he whispered into his hair and he felt the sigh Bucky let out more than he heard it.
"Thanks, Tony." He already sounded sleepy and Tony smiled. "No problem, Bucky."
And it really wasn't. He was happy right where he was but he suspected that there needed to be some talking in the morning. But for now he pushed that thought aside and concentrated on Bucky in his arms and his now even breaths. He fell asleep with a little smile.
When Tony woke up he was disoriented for a second because that wasn't his bedroom and he was pretty sure he didn't invite someone into his bed last night. He carefully looked around and when he recognized his workshop he also remembered what happened last night.
Bucky was still pressed to his side though the fact that he was tracing the outline of the arc reactor proved that he was awake. "Hey" Tony said and groaned when he moved his neck. Sleeping on the couch was definitely not something he should do again.
When Bucky realized that Tony was awake he quickly scrambled away from him. "I'm sorry" he said and didn't meet Tony's eyes. "I'll leave now" Bucky whispered and started to get up.
"Hey, no, wait" Tony called and caught his wrist. He tugged hard enough to get Bucky back on the couch but then he let go. He wasn't sure if his touch was still welcome now that the night had passed. "I think we should talk about this" Tony stated and Bucky sank into himself. It looked like he tried to make himself very small and Tony didn't like it.
"I'm sorry. I know...I just needed...I'm so sorry. I won't do it again. Please don't be...disgusted" Bucky rambled and Tony felt his heart constrict. He sounded so afraid and lost.
"No, I'm not...Bucky, why would I ever be disgusted by you?" Tony asked a bit incredulous because that was the last thing he was when it came to Bucky. Still, Bucky hunched his shoulders even more.
"I know you don't want to touch me and I am so sorry I forced this onto you, it won't happen again. I'm sorry."
"Okay, you need to stop." Bucky flinched like he had been hit and Tony cursed himself. "I think there's a major misunderstanding going on" Tony quickly finished and that got Bucky to look at him though he still seemed uncertain.
"What do you mean?" he tentatively asked and Tony sighed, relieved that Bucky didn't seem to want to run anymore.
"I am not disgusted by you and frankly I doubt I ever can be."
Bucky's eyes got big when he heard that. "But I killed your parents. And now I touched you."
Tony thought about that for a few seconds. "I don't see the connection" he eventually said and Bucky looked down again.
"I killed them. I shouldn't be touching you" Bucky whispered and finally Tony got it.
"Bucky. Buck, look at me." Tony waited until blue eyes met his. "You didn't kill my parents. Hydra did. You're not at fault. I don't think of you as the murderer of my parents. You are a victim, much like they are."
Bucky seemed confused now. "But I" he started and Tony interrupted him. "No. They. They did that. Not you. Never you" he said and extended his hand.
He wanted to let Bucky decide if touch was okay and so he held it in front of him until Bucky finally took it. He seemed uncertain about it and Tony squeezed his hand. "There is no reason why I don't want to touch you."
"But you never did. And then the coffee shop...and then you stayed away. You started sometimes but then you pulled away and I thought..."
"…that I was too disgusted to touch you" Tony finished when Bucky trailed off. Tony let out another sigh when Bucky nodded at that. "Oh, Bucky, no. I wasn't disgusted. I just thought it wouldn't be welcome. You had some pretty intense reaction to being touched in the beginning and I didn't think it had changed."
A thought occurred to Tony. "When you reached out for me did you stop because you thought I wouldn't like it? That I would be disgusted?"
Bucky had his head down again but he nodded.
"I didn't touch you because I thought that I would cross a boundary. That you wouldn't be comfortable." Tony couldn't see Bucky's face but he could see enough to notice the trembling lip.
"Is it okay if I hug you?" Tony asked and held his breath until Bucky nodded. He pulled him in and hugged him closely to his chest. Bucky was trembling again but he wasn't crying and Tony wouldn't let him go until Bucky said so.
"You just had to ask you know? We were all giving you space. We didn't know if you were ready yet."
Now Bucky slung his arms around Tony's middle and clutched tightly at his shirt. "I didn't know how to ask" he breathed into Tony's neck. "I didn't know...how to ask for that" he repeated and pressed himself even closer to Tony.
"But you did yesterday. What changed?" Tony carefully asked and Bucky stayed silent for a long time. Tony didn't expect him to answer any more when he started to speak.
"I was frozen in that machine but I could see and you...you were walking by and you didn't notice me and I screamed. You looked at me then but you didn't do anything, you just...stood there. And then the ice began to melt and I fell out of it but you didn't catch me you just stared and stared and I couldn't get up and I was so cold and you...did nothing." Bucky's breath was coming quicker now and he was trembling even more.
"But I got you now" Tony managed through the lump in his throat. "And I would catch you. I would always catch you" Tony said and pressed a kiss into Bucky's hair.
Bucky didn't say anything to that but he squeezed Tony so hard that breathing became difficult, though Tony was not going to complain. When Bucky calmed down he relaxed his arms but he didn't pull away and so Tony didn't move.
"You know, Steve would be delighted if you'd touch him. He is very worried" Tony eventually said and at that Bucky finally pulled away. Tony thought he would retreat completely but Bucky stopped when he could see Tony's face, Tony's hands still over Bucky's shoulder while Bucky still clutched his shirt.
"I have so much blood on my hands..." Bucky managed after a while but Tony shook his head.
"Like I said, not your fault. And he really doesn't care. You know that."
"I wasn't...sure it would go for...that as well" Bucky said haltingly and Tony sighed.
"It goes for everything Bucky. And for everyone. No one here thinks you're worthless or disgusting. Or that you don't deserve it. They just try to give you space. If you said anything that would change in an instant" Tony explained but Bucky looked a bit shocked.
"I don't deserve..." he nearly choked on that sentence and Tony clasped his shoulders tight.
"Of course you deserve to be touched. Everyone does. But you also deserve to feel happy and secure and safe" Tony vehemently said. "And we thought we gave you that."
"You did" Bucky said but Tony shook his head.
"Something was missing, wasn't it? This" and he squeezed his hands for emphasis, "was missing."
Bucky looked down again, where his hands were tangled in Tony's shirt. "I didn't...It wasn't in the beginning. I couldn't stand being touched. But then...that changed and I didn't know how to ask for it. I told my therapist but he wasn't a big help and I just didn't know how to tell you that it was okay" he explained and Tony smiled.
"Then do it now. Tell me or ask me."
Bucky bit at his lip before he met Tony's eyes. "I want to touch you. And it's okay if you touch me" he finally managed and he felt so relieved after the words left his mouth that he very nearly missed the happy expression on Tony's face.
Tony was smiling when he said "Okay" and then he was hugging Bucky again.
They stayed like that for a few minutes before Bucky pulled away again and Tony was quick to give him his space. He wasn't about to stretch the limits here. Bucky thought that he would probably never have to worry that Tony would do anything he didn't want.
"Can we wait with telling the others? It's a bit overwhelming."
"Of course" Tony agreed at once. "There's no need to rush. Take your time. I won't say anything if you are not ready."
"Thank you" Bucky sad and he hoped that he could convey how grateful he was. He fiddled a bit with his hands before he asked "Can we watch a movie and...eh..." he trailed off, unable to say the word, it was still foreign, but thankfully Tony knew what he meant.
"Cuddle? Damn, yes, of course. Come here."
Tony flopped down where he had slept the night before and he pulled Bucky down with him. Bucky hadn't been able to appreciate it yesterday but now he relished in the warmth of Tony's body and the hand that stroke his back.
"So what do you wanna watch?" Tony asked but Bucky couldn't care less. He was happy right where he was.
Thank you all so much for your reviews and support, it really means a lot to me.
