A Million Reasons

Satine had always tried to be a logical person. To consider her actions and choices carefully, determining what possible effects they could have on those around her. And that is what she was doing now. She had a notebook in front of her, split into two columns. One side, a list of pros, the second a list of cons. The title of the page: Should I Tell Obi-Wan?

She started with the pros.

-He deserves to know. It's his child.

-He should be able to experience the joy of knowing he helped create a life.

-He would be a wonderful father.

-He would be more likely to stay with me.

She paused at the last one. Was that a pro...or a con? Would knowing she was pregnant make him feel obligated to stay if he didn't want to? Or would it give him a solid excuse to be free of the responsibilities keeping him from her? She compromised with herself and wrote this one on both sides of the list. Then, she turned to the cons.

-He would be thrown out of the Jedi Order if anyone else knew.

-He would be forced to have a secret double life if he decided not to stay with her.

-He would probably feel guilty for not being around his child.

-He could become as attached to the child as he was to her, something the Jedi frowned upon.

-It was a scandal, all in all, even for myself.

-Obi-Wan already so much weight on his shoulders, did he really need the weight that comes from having a family?

-I don't want his child to be a burden to him.

Another pause. That one was written very personally, where she'd been trying to avoid talking about herself, trying to focus on how this would affect /Obi-Wan/. Because if she started thinking about /her/ feelings only, she'd not be able to think logically. Her own emotions were screaming that she had to tell him, should tell him, wanted to tell him, wanted to see his face light up in utter awe and surprise when she told him she was going to have a baby. She wanted to live with him, here on Mandalore (how selfish of her). She wanted to see him hold his child in his arms for the first time, to help the child learn to walk, to tickle his or her face with his beard. She wanted it /so/ badly.

But. That wasn't fair to him. It wasn't even possible. Asking Obi-Wan to give up the Jedi...Something that was his /life/, was not fair. And she knew he'd do it. Damn him and his determination to always do what was right, (the very thing that had made her first fall for him). He wouldn't leave her if he knew he'd gotten her pregnant. He'd stay, whether he truly wanted to or not, because it was his responsibility. And she couldn't' have that. Couldn't bear to see him throw all that training away. Sure he'd be happy, but there'd be times where those stormy eyes would glance off and he'd be longing, even just for a moment, for his old life. For his dreams, his goals, that he'd so often told her about. And she didn't want to take that away from him.

Satine could see the decision she was about to make, and already it hurt as if she'd been stabbed with a knife. Not telling Obi-Wan about his son or daughter felt /terrible/. /Horrible/. It made her place her hand on her stomach, a barely visible baby bump already. "'M sorry," she murmured, and when her eyes teared up she blamed it on the hormones. Why should she be upset? She was giving Obi-Wan his best chance at his life, she was letting him go guilt free. She was taking away the tremendous, terrible decision, to decide between two very dear things.

And still, Satine wasn't done making decisions. She now had to decide how to follow through with this, and how it would affect her child. Their child. As much as it pained her, (there are plenty of tears now, she can't even see her list), she couldn't raise her baby.

She couldn't go any further now, she just couldn't. The reality of the previous statement was too much for her, and no matter how she tried to control herself, painful, agonizing sobs tore themselves from her body. It wasn't long before a guard entered the room. He was one of her newer guards since she'd returned, nearly as young as she was, rather awkward and gangly, but genuinely concerned. He didn't seem to know what to do when he just saw that Satine was upset rather than in pain, and after a hesitant moment he knelt down and wrapped his arms around her waist right where she sat.

If Satine had been in full control of herself she probably would've scolded her guard on improper behavior, but in her current state she nearly fell into his arms, sobbing into his chest like a child. Satine didn't know how long she cried, but she knew that at some point the guard had picked up her list that had fallen to the floor and his eyes were so sympathetic that she didn't have the heart to be angry with him.

"Duchess..." He said, and when she finally looked up at him, he spoke again. "You don't have to do this alone. I can...I can assist."

Satine was hesitant, reluctant, but her guard slowly began to talk with her about each decision, without judgement, with honest eyes. He asked what she'd decided, and when she got him up to her current thoughts, he asked, "And who will raise the baby?" Her silence, crushed, hurt silence, made him hug her closer.

"Another family," Satine whispered, her heart breaking.

A long moment of silence, and when the guard spoke again, he was curiously optimistic, making Satine look up at him in mild confusion. "The child will resemble you somewhat I gather...Perhaps...though it is not possible for you to be his or her mother...you could be a family member? A cousin...an aunt?"

Satine thought it over, and slowly a broken but real smile found its way onto her lips, one which her guard returned. "What's your name?" She asked instead.

The guard simply smiled and said, "Erion."

"Well, Erion, we have much planning to do," Satine whispered, swiping at her eyes.

And so Obi-Wan never knew he had a son. He never even suspected. There had been so many times that Satine had wanted to tell him, and had almost told him. But there was one time she had been determined to tell him. As she lay dying in his arms, she opened her mouth to tell him that there was yet another Kenobi. But the look in his eyes, the sorrow, the heaviness of the entire galaxy, the problems of the universe, all rested in her Ben's eyes. And she just couldn't bring herself to add another weight to her burdened knight. So she simply told him another truth, one that she hoped would somehow encourage him to stay strong.

"Remember my dear Obi-Wan, I loved you always... I always will."