Disclaimer: Unfortunately yes, I own this; I do not however own any fairy tales that are mocked in this. Yay for Star Wars, Shakespeare and Terry Pratchett references!

This chapter is dedicated to my friend Bob the Destroyer, because he helped me name my dwarves. Thanks Eric ^_^

Read on. If you dare.

888

Why had I come into the woods again? This place was crazy. Now I saw why it was called the EWOK or Enchanted Wood of Kookiness.

I'd only been walking for an hour and I'd already run into a fairy boy searching for some girl named Dumbelina (or something equally silly) who if she really was the size of my thumb was probably caught by a hawk by now. I'd also run into a girl dressed in male clothing similar to mine asking if I knew where the Duke of Orsino was. Orsino was a small isle on the other side of the world; of course I hadn't seen her darling duke!

And then strangest of all, a frog had hopped into my path and noticed my clothes that still had scraps of pink clinging to it and he smiled a great Froggy smile.

He had fly wings stuck to his lips.

"Fair maid, would you be willing to kiss a poor enchanted frog? Turn me back into my princely self and I can take you away to my kingdom!" he had declared and I rolled my eyes. Who needed another stupid prince in the world? And how in the name of Parody was I still getting mistaken for a girl?!

"Go find my sisters, they'll help. Especially Tornado, she's the prettiest of all." I stepped over the frog and kept walking, the frog yelling his thanks and hopping in the direction of the castle.

I smirked, hopefully he would end up with Tornado, no punishment was greater than that.

I walked cautiously through the woods, glancing around not wanting to run into anymore romances gone bad.

The trees on either side of me were thinning and I noticed I was probably close to the mountains if the snowy peak I could see through the leaves was any clue.

I wonder what was happening at the castle, Dunder was probably wrapped in a blanket by the fire with my sisters cooing around him, Sunny would probably be singing in her beautiful bird-like voice, I sounded like a crow if I even attempted to sing.

Cloudy would probably be reading him her dreary poetry and Breezy would probably be feeding him soup while Tornado ran around the room crazily in a panic, knocking over every item as she passed. And then a cinder would jump from the hearth and light Dunderhead's blanket on fire and the ensuing flames would cause every room except for my library to be burnt to the ground…

Okay so every bit but the last thing was most likely true but a guy can dream right?

The thought of Dunder catching fire brought a grin to my face and made me think of a quote from one of my favorite books.

'Give a man fire and he'll be warm for a day; set fire to him and he'll be warm for the rest of his life'

I chuckled and came to a fork in the road. I picked up the utensil and stuffed it in my pocket before continuing on my way.

-

I walked for a few more hours without any consequence except seeing a little girl chasing a white rabbit; it looked like she was trying to steal his pocket watch. Poor creature.

I leaned against a tree and sighed as my stomach gave a grumble of hunger. Stupid mother, waking me up at dawn to stuff me in a dress and denying me breakfast because it was already tough enough to stuff me in the monstrosity without a full stomach.

And while I had thought of wearing leggings and an undershirt under the gown, I hadn't thought to put any food in my pockets.

Me and my melancholy getting in the way of logical thinking.

At least I had thought to wear my boots instead of those dainty things that women call shoes, I just call them a potential weapon.

My stomach grumbled again and I forced myself to keep walking looking for anything edible. I spotted some mushrooms but remembered reading that the ones with orange tops were poisonous.

I pouted and was so focused on my search for food that I didn't see the tree root or the hill and quickly found myself tumbling (very gracefully mind you, not) down into a small valley.

I groaned and stood slowly, wiping off dirt from my already dirty clothes. I warily put weight on the ankle that had caused the tripping and was relieved when it didn't hurt. Maybe my luck was turning around?

I looked at my surroundings, scratch that last statement.

I was in a little field, the exact picture of flawlessness, soft green grass, little white flowers, golden sunlight, butterflies flitting about and a cottage in the background.

Stupid stereotypes, I preferred imperfections after spending a lifetime with my sisters and meeting Prince Dunder. This valley was too perfect.

I kicked a daisy and walked towards the cottage. I cocked my head to the side, this cottage didn't look right.

It had a thatched roof and white and brown walls, circular windows and a large red wooden door, the weird thing though was that instead of being small and cute, it was huge!

It was twice the size of a normal cottage and seemed to have add-ons and maybe even more buildings behind it?

I raised an eyebrow and knocked on the door. I didn't want to, who knew what kind of people lived here?

But the hunger and exhaustion were getting to me and a dinner of berries and a bed of moss did not sound appetizing.

I knocked again, harder this time and still receiving no answer.

Hmm, walk more into deep woods when it would be getting dark and monsters might be lurking or wait here until whoever lives here comes back?

Both options sounded bad but then again, I don't have a sword and monsters or more enchanted frogs were far worse then facing this cottage's owner. If this cottage still had an owner…

I smirked as I thought of some of my predecessors who just let themselves into the cottages they found. Snow was still working off her community service for breaking and entering along with that Goldilocks chick. Idiots.

I settled down on the grass next to the door, pulling the fork out of my pocket and playing with it until exhaustion overtook me and I fell asleep.

-

"Oi brat!" a toe poked my leg and my head jerked up, I blinked blearily at what appeared to be a giant in the moonlight.

"Ah, you're awake, good now scat!" I shook my head which dislodged some more sleepiness and I realized the figure wasn't a giant; he just looked tall from my ground vantage point. I stood slowly.

"Sorry to intrude but I was wondering if I could get some supplies for the night," I said carefully, not liking this man's glare, although it was hard to make out his features in the gloom. I knew he was a head taller than me and he had a shovel but that's about it. Hopefully he didn't decide to use the shovel to bash my head in…

"Oh no," the man shook his head and looked behind him, "Oi boys! We got another one!" he yelled and I saw more figures come around the corner of the house.

"Another one? If it's that red-hooded girl again, tell her we still don't know where her basket is!"

I think I might rather be facing the monsters now, I'd probably be safer.

"It's not the red hood. It's some boy!" I blinked; they could tell I was a man? That was a first, these guys must be some of the few intelligent beings in Yriaf Elat and that was saying something.

"I just want something to eat, it doesn't have to be much, just some bread and then I'll be on my way." I explained and dodged the shovel that was swung at my head, although I almost tripped with the effort.

"That's what they all say," the man closest to me said, his voice rough. I glared at the shovel in his hand.

"Whose they?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"All you unfortunate fairy tales, you see a cottage and instantly think the owners will just let you come in and take over!"

"I'm not a fairy tale," I muttered, thinking over my entire day, no way could my life be thought of as a fairy tale.

"Stop being so mean to him B!" a smaller figure pushed past my assailant and put an arm around my shoulders, "Let's get him inside, dark is settling in and the dragons will be out soon."

I liked this guy; his voice was light and kind-sounding…

"Not so fast! We can't just let in every stray just because you have a tender heart!" the voice I was slowly coming to hate spoke up and nudged me with his shovel. The man's arm around me tightened and I could tell he was pouting.

"But why not?! We can't leave him out here! That's so mean!"

"Listen to him or you'll be on guard duty tonight," another voice said, this one smooth and serious. My enemy seemed to stiffen at the words and he sighed.

"I still don't think we should, this boy has brat written all over him," he poked me with the shovel again and I smacked it with the fork.

"Stop that!" I yelled and held up the fork in what I hoped was a threatening gesture. Shovel-guy took a step back.

"Hey, that's my fork! I've been looking everywhere for it, give it to me!"

…You've. Got. To. Be. Freaking. Kidding. Me...

Thank Parody; luck was on my side for once. I smirked evilly.

"I'll give the fork back if you let me inside," I said and the guy next to me giggled and let go of my shoulder. Shovel-guy crossed his arms in what looked like defeat.

"Fine."

"Yay! We have a guest!" the giggly guy grabbed my wrist and pulled me inside. The others followed.

My wrist was released as the figures moved around the room, lighting candles and putting away tools.

I sat in a chair and watched as the house was slowly revealed to me.

I was sitting at the dining table which had six other chairs and to the right of the door, was an archway that led to the kitchen and straight ahead from where I sat was the common room with a fire place, three couches and an assortment of chairs.

On the far side of the room was a staircase that led to what I guessed were the bedrooms, I counted exactly eight doors. There was also a hall next to the bottom of the stairs but I had no idea where it could lead to.

All in all, it was a typical cozy cottage except for it being larger than normal and was the home to apparently crazy men who had the tendency to poke guests with pointy objects.

And now that there was light, I could finally see my hosts.

They were all tall and wore black pants, white shirts and vests. I could see slightly pointed ears poking through their messy mops of hair. So they weren't men.

Shovel-guy stuck his shovel in a closet and glared at me as he stomped across the room and plopped in a chair broodingly. Somehow I got a smug enjoyment out of his hatred for me even if I was scared he might kill me in my sleep.

"So, what brings you here stranger?" a deep voice that reminded me of nature asked and one of the men approached me. He had thick brown hair and was the only one of the seven with stubble.

"I'm currently taking a break from my insane family, I took a walk and ended up here after falling down the hill," I blushed and looked at the fireplace.

"Oh that hill is so tricky!" a voice I recognized as giggly guy laughed.

"Who is your family and why are you taking a break from them?" nature voice asked and I got the feeling he was probably the leader of the group. The ones with facial hair always seem to be.

"I'm Prince Slush, son of King Storm and Queen Rain and they're trying to trick a dolt prince into marrying me because he thinks I'm a girl." I explained and glared at Shovel-guy as he snorted. I threw the fork at him and it stuck in the wood of his chair barely inches from his face. His eyes widened and I smirked.

I always was good at darts.

"Oh, I like him, let's keep him!" the biggest guy said happily, smiling at Shovel-guy who was trying to wiggle his fork out of the chair.

"Yeah, hecankeepBinhisplace!" one said as he disappeared into the kitchen.

"That is an interesting predicament, I've never heard its like before and we've heard almost every sob story there is," the group grunted in agreement.

"Alright, you know who I am but who exactly are you, I can tell you aren't men." Shovel-guy sighed and Leader man sat next to me.

"We're dwarves," he said and held up a hand as my mouth opened, what was he psychic too? "We're dwarves but we're different."

"Um, yeah, most dwarves I know are short, hairy and ugly as sin," I smirked and pointed at Shovel-guy, "He's the only one who fits the description," the group burst out laughing while if possible, SG's glare increased ten-fold.

"Well, we all suffer from what Dwarves call Bishie. We were all born into regular dwarf families except we had the misfortune of being tall, beardless and handsome."

"Rotten luck and we got it twice in my family!" the big guy yelled and I winced.

Was I supposed to feel sorry for these dwarves, they were all strong and gorgeous, way better than a dirty miner.

"I'm sorry to hear that, are you guys miners like other dwarves?" I looked around the room as all seven of the anti-dwarves turned red.

"Uh, no we're not miners…we're uh, too tall to fit in the caves," none of them would look at me and I held back my laugh. Getting thrown out now would not be good.

"So what do you do instead?" I asked quickly to get rid of their embarrassment. They looked back at me surprised.

"We're farmers. Our fields are out back." I nodded and smiled, still not happy with this interrogation session.

"And who are you? May I know the names of my hosts?" I leaned my head on my hand and smirked at the group.

Leader guy smiled, brown eyes sparking, noting my sarcasm

"Well, I'm Timber," Leader guy stood and brushed off his green vest, his strong limbs pointing to giggly guy.

"That's Splash," Splash had brown hair and silver eyes, his vest was sky blue. Unlike the other Dwarbishies, he was smaller, more slender and his movements were quick and graceful like water. Splash waved from his perch on the couch.

"And next to him is Arid," Now where Splash was giggly and friendly, Arid seemed to be his exact opposite. Arid had red-sandy colored hair and sage green eyes that had lowered eyelids making him look emotionless. He looked up from his book and raised an eyebrow in greeting. His vest was orange.

"Over in the corner is Onyx," a dwarbishie I hadn't noticed yet, looked up through auburn waves and pierced me with black, stony eyes. He gave a shy smile and looked down, letting his hair cover his face. His vest was gray.

I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and almost cried out as I was suddenly attacked in a gigantic hug.

"And I'm Striker!" the hugger yelled in my ear before running over to the couch and cuddling against Splash, Arid glared at the speedster.

Striker had bright blond hair that stood on end like he had been electrified; he was gangly and slender like Splash. His vest was yellow.

"And over there is his twin, Boom," the big guy waved. He wasn't big in a chubby way just broader than the other Dwarbishies. He had blond hair like Striker but his was thick and fell straight to his shoulders. Both twins had honey-colored eyes. Boom's vest was purple.

"And lastly is your best friend Burnie," red eyes glared at me and he sank lower in his chair. His auburn hair was choppy and looked like flames when he moved. His vest was of course red.

"Nice to meet all of you," I said, "You all seem to have personalities unlike my sisters who you would probably kick out on sight. I'd actually encourage it." I ran a hand through my hair and smiled as I saw the stony Onyx smirk.

"Well Slush, in order for you to stay here, you'll have to earn your keep. Can you cook or clean?" Timber asked.

"I can't cook anything more than stew but I have a sister named Tornado, I know how to clean," I smiled.

"Good, I'mthecookandtheonethingIcan'tcookisstew!" Striker babbled from his spot. Why didn't it surprise me that he was the cook?

"We work all day and have to take extra time to clean so that works out well," Timber gave a small smile; his weathered skin reminded me of bark.

"Thank you, most people I know wouldn't let me stay," Burnie gave a derisive snort; I ignored him but planned to put a bucket of water above his door tomorrow.

"Our cousins are infamous for taking in guests, we normally don't, unless Splash is around," Splash gave a grin and a small giggle.

"Your cousins? You mean the ones who took in Snow White?" Timber looked surprised but nodded. "She's my cousin."

Arid smirked, "Knew it."

"Hopefully you have more sense than that silly princess did," Burnie muttered.

"I pride myself on my sense," I shot back. Timber looked between me and Burnie and cleared his throat.

"Alright, we've all had a long day; let's get some sleep shall we?"

"Which is my room? There are seven of you and eight rooms," I said as the Dwarbishies stood.

"Seven for us, one guest room," Arid said shortly as he walked lazily up the stairs.

Burnie smirked, "The guest room is next to Boom's," Striker smiled.

"My brother snores." Oh great and again, why doesn't it surprise me?

"So does my sister," I smirked at their looks of shock.

"There are clothes in the wardrobe if you need," Splash gave me a smile and a tender hug, I almost wondered why until I saw him do the same to all the dwarves.

"Thank you," I wandered up the stairs after the Dwarbishies as they all disappeared into their separate rooms. I smirked as I saw each door was labeled with the inhabitant's name.

How quaint, I wonder if they had sharing circles too. Okay, I think that's the exhaustion talking.

I found Boom's door and went to the one next to it, it had no label.

I went inside and almost cried in relief at the huge comfy bed. I took a flying leap and curled into it gratefully.

Sleep took me instantly, I felt my eyelids lowering until a big thunder-like rumble jolted me awake. I looked around in panic then realized that the sound was Boom's snoring.

Oh joy.

I settled down into the bed, pulling the pillow over my head as another loud snore rang out.

Maybe I should have taken my chances with the darkness and monsters.

888

And ta-da, there are my dwarves. I took the idea of them being tall from Apple and Kiwi's Red Tales Book 2, an awesome read I highly recommend.

If you can't tell, each dwarf is named after an element or thing in nature. Timber = Tree, Splash = River, Arid = Desert (Arid means dry), Onyx = Rock, Striker and Boom = Lightning and Thunder, and Burnie = Fire.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, sorry the middle wasn't very funny but describing the dwarves is hard to make humorous, I tried. More to come soon but only if you review.

If anyone would like to be the best person ever and maybe draw me a picture of the Dwarbishies, I'd be eternally grateful, just contact me if you decide to take up the challenge.

Also any jokes or ideas you have for this story would be awesome.

Thank you my lovelies and until next time.

Review and Read.