Chapter 1: The Guilty Survivor

He was numb.

He watched helpless as his Swan plunged the sword into herself, falling to the ground. He fell next to her, trying to do something, anything, and yet he could just watch helplessly as the light left her eyes.

He couldn't think or move. He just sat there, feeling like a thousand shards of glass were piercing his heart, just one thought in his mind.

This is all my fault.


Everything reminded him of her. He couldn't go anywhere; wherever he went, he would be confronted by memories of Emma, which came with a sharp pain to his heart.

Rum, he needed rum. At least it will numb the pain.

But as soon as he touched his flask he froze again.

"Is rum your solution to everything?"

"It certainly doesn't hurt."

Well, it did now. He couldn't even look at his rum flask without remembering all their moments around it. Without remembering that they couldn't have any more, and it was all because of him.

It was his fault Henry lost his mother, Snow and David lost their daughter. That he lost the woman he loved, who he had come to value more than his own life.

All because of a pointless revenge that was never going to happen and getting back at her for saving his bloody life.

He would have laughed, however mirthlessly, at his own pettiness, if the enormous guilt he felt pushing him down with every moment gave him a moment's respite.

He gave in, picking up his flask and gulping down the alcohol as fast as he could, hoping it could kill him. Death was better than this.

But he knew this was what he deserved, to survive, to life with what he had done. Survival had always been his curse, however disguised as a blessing. Death would have been too easy.


He woke up terribly hungover, and clutching a photo of Emma to himself. He had fallen asleep on one of the benches near the docks, where he had spent most of the previous night. His head was throbbing, and he tried to regain his senses... and registered a strange whispering sound.

It was familiar, but it didn't immediately strike him. And then it clicked: the Dark One's dagger.

But how was that possible? He wasn't still a dark one, was he? And Emma...

He followed the whispers; a quest was a good way to distract himself from thoughts of Emma, though the pain never really left.

He wasn't particularly surprised when it led him to Rumpelstiltskin's shop.

But how was it possible? He had seen the Excalibur get destroyed along with the darkness.

The whispers were strongest at the front shelf. He climbed over it and started searching, soon finding the dagger, wrapped up in a cloth pouch.

He took a deep breath, and took it out, and saw the name written on it.

Rumpelstiltskin

Of course. The bloody crocodile had found a way, and got back his precious dagger, and the power he couldn't live without.

And, to think of it, he had probably goaded him into it. And now, because of his idiocy, Emma's sacrifice had been fruitless. One more thing to add to the growing list of his mistakes, he thought, sighing.

In that moment, he made a crazy, split second decision. He wouldn't let Emma die for no reason. He had the perfect idea to save his lady love, with the added bonus of making the Dark One suffer.

"Dark One, I command thee, appear!" he commanded.

Rumpelstiltskin appeared in a puff of smoke, his look of bewilderment quickly masked by understanding when he saw the pirate.

"I see you've found my dagger." He said calmly, but with an air of intimidation. "And as you can see, it has returned to its rightful owner."

Killian lunged at him, face contorted with fury, but was pushed back.

"After all these years, you learn nothing. I now have the combined power of every Dark One that ever existed, including you and your dearly departed Miss Swan. Don't delude yourself into thinking you can hurt me. Now, my dagger if you please." He said with the right amount of threat, outstretching his hand.

Killian let out a mirthless laugh. "Oh, Crocodile. Why would I have taken it if I intended to return it?"

Rumpelstiltskin tried to take the dagger, but was thwarted.

"Now, my first command." Killian said, "Don't try to take the dagger."

Rumple was forced to stop his attempts immediately.

Killian smirked slightly despite himself. "Let's see how you enjoy being my slave. I haven't forgotten."

"You will pay for this." Rumple hissed.

"I don't care." Killian stated. "Now, better get ready, Dark One... I've got a job for you."


He hadn't seen any of the others since Emma died. How could he even look at them, knowing what his actions had cost them? Snow, David, Henry... They must all hate him. They should, really, he deserved it.

So when he saw them while walking back from the pawnshop, he immediately turned around and decided to take some other route, even if it was longer. He couldn't face them. Couldn't bear to see the sorrow in their eyes, the sorrow he had caused. Couldn't bear to hear that they forgave him, when he knew they couldn't, when he couldn't ever forgive himself, even if he managed to save Emma.

"Killian." A voice called from behind, making him stop in his tracks.

"Killian again? It seems you're losing your touch, your majesty." The jibe lacked the usual force and mirth behind it.

Regina ignored the comment and went to stand facing him.

"You can't keep blaming yourself." She said with a sigh.

"Really? Because from where I stand, there's no one to blame but me. I've ruined everything." He said, voice thick with emotion. He made to walk away, but Regina stopped him.

"They forgave you, Killian." She insisted, "We know you weren't thinking straight. It isn't your fault. You have to forgive yourself."

He chuckled. "You of all people should know that it's easier said than done, Regina, and you haven't even gone that far."

"Really? How do you think I cast the dark curse?" Regina said in a broken voice. "We've both done terrible, terrible things, hurt the ones closest to us. But what's happened, has happened, and our regret can't change that. But we can't just fall into a pit of self-loathing. We have to live with it. Move on."

"Unless I can correct my mistakes." He blurted out before he could stop himself.

"What?" Regina asked, confusion fading into realization and curiosity. "You've found something. What is it? What are you planning to do?"

Killian sighed. "You have to promise you won't tell anyone else." Regina reluctantly nodded.

"I'm getting her back."