Chapter One

Janeway stepped out of her quarters, equal parts excited and nervous about their new discovery. This was what she liked best about being out in the Delta quadrant, the surprises they faced daily, the excitement of finding phenomena no other Starfleet ship had ever encountered.

The downside was it highly increased their chances of stumbling upon something dangerous that would cause havoc amongst the crew.

Although they had managed to evade total destruction so far.

'Kathryn,' the familiar voice called her from behind.

She smiled both internally and externally. Here it was. The usual pep talk about how she didn't have to go, any officer on this ship could do the job, knowing perfectly well that she was far too curious to send other Voyager crew on every mission.

Turning around she faced Chakotay. His expression read the usual calm smile, with a slight edge of concern behind his eyes.

She enjoyed it. Knowing someone cared whether or not she came back. Not that the rest of the ship didn't, but somehow with him it was different. He didn't care about Captain Janeway coming back, he cared about Kathryn coming back.

'I'll be back for our weekly dinner tonight,' she smiled.

'I thought maybe I should cook this time,' he suggested, his smile spreading. 'Unless you were looking forward to burning another roast.'

She narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms. 'You make it sound like I'm forcing you to eat my terrible food.'

She turned and started walking, he instinctively took stride beside her – probably a few inches too close.

'I would eat cinders every night if it meant your company,' he said quietly.

For a moment she felt her insides do that thing they did whenever things got just a little too close between them. She didn't look at him, she'd learned over the years that it was better not to. Not that feeling his proximity so close to hers wasn't enough to send her system a little loopy, but that intense look in his eyes only served to make things ten times worse.

In different circumstances, if she weren't the Captain, if he wasn't her first officer, if they were still on that planet where they had let their feelings win -

'Having said that, I am happy to volunteer my not so terrible cooking skills just this once, since you'll be busy,' he continued.

He did that on purpose. Starting a sentence, leaving pause so she could overthink things, then finishing it off with something light. She'd tell him off for it if it didn't mean admitting that there was anything to bring up in the first place.

'As long as you don't use the opportunity to poison me and take my job, Commander,' she smiled as she stopped to face him.

'Good luck,' he said, holding his hands behind his back and smiling at her.

'You too,' she responded, lightly touching his arm with her hand before turning to meet Paris.

She could feel his eyes on her back as she walked off. It comforted her.

'Ready Captain?' Paris asked as she took her seat.

'Always,' she responded.

He ran through the usual protocols, radioing through to the Bridge. Chakotay's voice responded, again bringing that familiar warmth to her whole system. Every time she heard him talk it was like the entire universe seemed like a safe place. She wondered how long it would have taken her to have a nervous breakdown had she not had him by her side through all of this.

She suspected not long.


As Paris took off into open space she let herself think back to their dinner the week before. She had burnt the spaghetti sauce, not just a little, but to the point where they had eaten toast and peanut butter instead. It wasn't even something she was that bad at, particularly using a replicator, but it was like the more often she had dinner with him, the more nervous she got about it.

It was the only moment they had, once a week, to just be two people who ate food and talked about their lives. She didn't have that with anyone else, he was the only one who really understood her responsibilities. After all, he had been Captain of his own ship. He had lived that feeling.

But that last dinner she felt like they had finally crossed the line into complete comfort. Too far almost. Given the complete failure of a dinner, they had allowed themselves a couple of extra glasses of wine. Maybe a couple too many, which had lead them to sitting on the sofa, laughing over something or other, she couldn't even remember what.

His hand landed on hers, lying casually over the back of the sofa. Instantly her gaze shot back to him. He was still laughing as he took a sip from his wine glass, as though there was nothing unusual about this.

Or maybe because he wasn't the one putting the stops on anything.

'Chakotay,' she said quietly.

He pulled the glass away from his lips - his slightly separated, and suddenly very attractive, lips, making eye contact with her.

'Yes, Kathryn?' he asked.

He made no move to acknowledge their hand situation, and she none to remove hers from under his. She waited, expecting him to notice, to remove himself as he always did. But it became apparent to her quite quickly that he wasn't intending to. He was testing the line.

She pulled her hand away abruptly.

'Perhaps it's best I turn in for the night,' she whispered after a few moments, standing up and placing her wine glass firmly on the nearby table.

She saw him physically slump, only for a moment, before he composed himself and stood up.

'As you wish,' he responded. 'Thank you for dinner.'

'Thank you for coming.'

He watched her for a few moments – thinking, feeling, considering – then he smiled and turned to leave.

As he reached the door she felt the familiar disappointment she did every week when this time came.

'Same time next week?' she asked, a little too eager.

He turned and smiled at her. 'Always.'

And with that he had been gone and she had had another sleepless night staring at the ceiling and wondering 'what if'. She would cut it off completely except they knew that would never work. She needed something to cling to each week, even if it was an entirely emotionally relationship where they never discuss anything. The physical contact was one step too far, her crew would lose respect for her and they need her to -

'You're awfully quiet today, Captain,' Paris cut into her thoughts.

She turned to look at him. She had almost forgotten what they were doing. Something far more exciting than her weekly dinner. In theory anyway.

'I haven't had my coffee,' she replied. 'But this should wake me up.'

They were fast approaching the event horizon. She glanced at her screen, it was definitely some kind of rip in space but of what kind she wasn't sure.

'It's beautiful!' she proclaimed.

Tom Paris seemed equally in awe of it as they approached, but didn't feel the need to say anything.

'Any idea what it might be?' Paris asked.

'From what I can see I believe it's some kind of portal, but to what I'm not sure,' she responded. 'We'll need to take this data back to Seven so that she can properly analyse it.'

At that moment the rip in space began to grow rapidly.

'Uh, Captain?'

'Get us out of here as fast as you can, Lieutenant,' she replied.

'Yes, ma'am.'


Chakotay hated it when she left him in charge, not because he didn't enjoy the part where he got to run the ship for a day, but because he hated her leaving the ship without him there. He was years beyond pretending he wasn't in love with her, he just wished she would let him in a little more.

He had tried the week before, tested the line, but it seemed to be firmly lodged in the ground where she had nailed in her protective wall. She was good at that, putting up a wall. He seemed to be the only person who could even get an invitation to view the other side but every time he tried to go through it she was very good at reminding him it wasn't allowed.

If it was simply lust this would all be much easier. They could have slept together once, twice, maybe even ten times and then moved on.

But this was something entirely different and he would rather be by her side every day than to have her shut him out completely. That thought alone broke his heart and he couldn't imagine what it would be like not to have her around. Not having their weekly dinners and their ready room disagreements.

He lived for those moments.

And for simply sitting by her side day in and day out.

He could think of no greater honour.

'Report on their progress,' he spoke suddenly, breaking the still silence on the bridge he hadn't realised was there his words rang out.

'They've just reached the event horizon,' Harry informed him.

He felt a little relieved but not entirely.

'Thank you, Harry,' he replied, settling back into his seat.

He wanted dinner that night to be perfect. She was always the host, and he was rather looking forward to being the host for once. It was a matter of practicality, she had the larger quarters. However, he figured smaller quarters may not be such a hindrance after the previous week.

He hadn't intended his hand to land on hers, yet somehow once it had it felt so right that he couldn't bring himself to remove it. What he had wanted to do in that moment was take her hand into his properly, run his thumb over her soft skin and then pull her in close for a kiss.

That was what he wanted to do most of the time, but at that moment something had been different. He had almost felt like he could.

He wanted to know if she would shut him out completely tonight, bring out the water, rather than the wine, and make small chit chat about unimportant gossip, or if things would head down that road again. He already savoured every moment spent in the privacy of her quarters, but that one had been one step further and he couldn't shake it from his mind.

It had been six years. How much longer was she going to deprive herself of anything?

It was conceited to think she would jump straight into his arms given the opportunity, but he couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't just a one way thing. He had gotten through to her all those years earlier, had they had a few days longer alone on that planet things would have gone far beyond the flirtation and promise that had rung so strong between them.

It was so long ago but he couldn't let it go, the feeling of her hand clutched in his, her eyes showing exactly how she felt even if her words didn't. The way they had slept that night, fully clothed but in each other's arms, and the way he had woken up in the morning to find her cooking up vegetables for them to eat as breakfast. It was all like some strange fantasy he had had, except he knew it had been real –

'Sir?'

Harry's voice sounded concerned. Chakotay turned to face him.

'Yes, Ensign?'

'They've just disappeared off my radar,' he responded.

Chakotay was on his feet and by Harry's side in a matter of seconds. 'What do you mean disappeared?'

'There was a large burst of energy from the rip and now they're gone.'

He could hear the fear in Harry's voice, but it was outshadowed by what he heard in his mind. He hit the button on the console to contact the ship.

'Captain, Lieutenant, we've lost you on our radar, please respond,' Chakotay spoke.

The silence shattered the bridge.

'I repeat, we have lost you on our radar, if you can hear this please respond.'

Nothing.

'Kathryn,' he used as a last resort, as though using her first name would help.

There was a crackle.

'Chakotay?'

It was her. He smiled at Harry.

'Yes, Captain, it's me,' he replied. 'Is Lieutenant Paris okay?'

There was silence for a moment and his heart hung in his chest as though suspended in time.

'Captain?' she responded. 'Chakotay, Tom Paris died three years ago.'

Chakotay looked up at Harry, the look of confusion echoed on his face.

Something was very wrong.