Thank you all for the encouraging reviews.

However, I don´t really like the way this chapter turned out. It was necessary though to introduce the following one.

I hope you enjoy it, though ;-)


I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself;
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D. H. (David Herbert) Lawrence

----------------------------------

I knew I was awake the moment my mind woke up from subconsciousness. The very moment I finished sleeping I felt a stinging wave of pain washing over me, making me wish to fall back into the world of dreams, as unpleasant and cruel as they might have been.

My head felt as if someone had thrown me against a brick wall, my pulse insanely loud in my ears. A pressure on my eyes prevented me from opening them, something inside me also telling me that the awaiting light would be an even harder torture to bear.

I could barely feel my arms and legs, numb as they were. All feelings in them concentrated on a slightly stabbing pain which seemed to flow from my neck to my toes.

But there were two other pains, much worse than everything else. Never before had my back hurt as it did right now. I wondered if there were needles underneath me and shuddered at the thought.

The pain mixed with the one in my lower stomach, a stinging pressure as if something had been ripped apart, was driving me insane.

What in the name of god was going on? Maybe I was still dreaming. Then again, I could not remember a dream in which pain had been so omnipresent.

So this must be reality. But why did it hurt so much?

Had I been in a car accident and just awoken from a long coma? No… there would be pain medication. Or maybe I was still in my car. No… I was laying on something smooth and soft, pleasant and warm.

My fingers twitched when memory struck me harder than the agonizing pain all over my body.

Vivid, blurry and rapid pictures appeared inside my head, loud and painful.

Me, with a bottle in my hands.

Me, in Mike Newton's arms.

Me, dancing around like a maniac.

Me, shouting into the microphone.

Me, on a table.

Me, kissing Eric on his cheek.

Me, sharing a death-glare with Jessica as Mike carried me over to his table.

……..

Jacob, crashing through the door early in the morning.

Jacob, pulling me out of Taylor's lap.

Jacob, dragging me out of the backdoor.

Me and Jacob, fighting.

Me…… kissing him…..

Me… and Jacob……

My eyes shot open, ignoring the flash of light penetrating my irises, my hands trembling. I sat up straight, moaning as I felt the stabbing in my back and stomach increase, blood pulsating behind my temples. My heart was beating fast and I felt my throat tightening.

My eyelids blinked uncontrolled as I slowly realized where I was. This was my room. My bed I was laying in. My house.

Unwillingly I wandered through my memories, searching for my way home. But the last thing in my blurry chain of memories was myself falling on my knees as my feet touched the ground, all strength leaving my body.

It was him, was all I thought, knowing without remembering what had happened after that.

He had taken me home.

I prayed that Charlie had not caught us. Being grounded would be a pleasure compared to his rage if he found out what had really happened. Me, drunk and out of control at Mike Newton's birthday party.

I should have known. Jessica had insisted on me to come, for whatever reason. And without thinking I had admitted. Why?

Another memory which was lost in the fuss of pain and blur.

For months I was keeping myself out of public, out of the life I should be living. And then I throw myself into it without any security. What else should have happened?

I took a deep breath and checked my clock. 3 p.m. Great.

Guilt washed through me and so I slowly let my legs drop out of my bed, pushing against the mattress with my numb fingers.

I violently pushed myself out of bed, immediately feeling dizzy as I stood. Walking was a challenge and the pain only got worse but I kept on telling myself that it would surely faint….

It didn't.

Two hours later I stood in the kitchen, my hands swollen and puffy from the warm water in which my hands were deeply sunken.

Doing the dishes had always been distracting, but today it didn't work it´s miracle. Instead it caused me to think about the rare memories which were left.

Jacob….

Why did I let this happen?

Wasn't it something I tried to avoid all the time, something I put all my fragile strength in?

Keeping him away from me, trying to make him forget me, making him see the non-existing chances, carefully destroying his dream of us. And now?

Now I destroyed everything with one single, thoughtless night. A singular step. One step too far. The kiss I should never have granted him. And all which followed it.

The thought of it made me shiver, my knees turning into jelly.

Why?

What was I supposed to do now? Just go and tell him that it was all a mistake?

No. More than anything else I wanted Jacob to be happy and hurting him was an impossibility.

My grip around a plate tightened as I realized that hurting Jacob was inevitable.

Tears gathered in my eyes as crucial images of our future forced themselves into my head. Us, broken and torn apart. Our friendship just another fading memory, overshadowed by a single mistake.

But was it a single mistake after all?

Hadn't there been too many occasions in which I let him reach out a bit more, too tired to keep on denying him his one and only wish – me ? Situations, as innocent and platonic as they might have been, in which I made have made him feel as if there was the possibility of us?

Was this a longshot?

A knock on the doors ripped me out of my sorrow and I turned around quickly, regretting it the moment my brain crashed against my skull, biting my nerves.

It was hell and I had already sworn to myself never to touch a bottle of alcohol again in my life.

The pain I felt when I looked out of the window however was even more sorely.

There was no car in the driveway. I knew who was at the door.

Someone who was probably in as much pain as me. Just that the difference was immense. The dominant part of my pain was physical.

His was the pain of the unknown.

Rejection? Acceptation?

A nightmare. One I had to face.


So, what do you think? Like it, hate it? Tell me ;-)