Hi guys, I wanted to get Chapter 2 up quickly, for you, because it's really all I have that makes sense to me right now. I was going to wait awhile to publish anything, to be honest, and then 10x20 happened and I knew I needed an outlet. This story is a lot my head cannon for the holes in the second half of the season. Trust me, if I wish we'd been shown a scene, I'll write it in this fic. I think it sort of has a direction, but that might change. I tend to hold on to stories for awhile, so expect it to be long, just warning you!:) Thanks for the great response, and keep letting me know what you think, please. Not sure how long until the next update, school's probably going to take up a lot of my time in the next few weeks.
It started horribly. And hadn't gotten better. Catherine had come in with a purpose, and she wasn't letting up. She'd moved from commenting on April's lack of togetherness ("Wet hair, bare feet, what is this a slumber party?"), to her less than stellar energy level that night ("I never thought I'd see Jackson have more enthusiasm for cooking than anyone, let alone his wife..."). Three quarters of the way through dinner, the newlyweds felt like they were losing the fight. Jackson, for what it was worth, had a comeback for every quip against April, although he hadn't mustered the courage to kick his mother out just yet. He stole quick kisses, which Catherine glared at from the corner of her eye.
"Eat, Jellybean, it's good I promise," Jackson whispered as they waited for Catherine to come out of the bathroom to start round three. His tone was somewhere between a plea and an apology.
"I'm not hungry. And I'm not your Jellybean right now. I'm a perfectly rational, exhausted, frustrated, sad Bean, thank you very much." April pouted against Jackson's shoulder and yawned.
"I'm sorry April, I don't know what to do…"
"You can both kindly lend your signatures to these documents," Catherine said, entering the room with her arms full of papers. "His and hers. Your exes are marked in blue ink, baby." She nodded toward Jackson. "And yours in pink, look carefully please. The great thing about being an Avery, lawyers at your beck and call. William drew these up in an hour and e-mailed them right to me."
As April slowly read through the document, her mouth widened in horror with each new line. "Babe, I don't want a…I don't want your…" She looked toward Jackson, but he was intently reading the document, his face getting angrier as he skimmed each page.
When he'd had enough he stood up, picked up both documents from the table, and shredded them, page by page, throwing a pile of confetti at his mother's feet as he did so. When both documents were sufficiently torn up, he turned on his heels and headed to the bedroom, without a word to either woman.
"Well that certainly wasn't the reaction I was hoping for," Catherine's practically amused reaction annoyed April. She stood up and brought the trash bin over to the confetti pile, fighting back tears.
"I don't want his money, Catherine." She almost jumped at the sound of her own voice, startled by its venom-laced tone. "And the Catherine Avery I know wouldn't come here for just cheap insults and accusations. The woman I know would want answers. So ask, I'll answer."
"Alright. Why? Why did you run from your wedding to the paramedic, right into a wedding with my son?"
"Because I have always loved him, it was the only choice I could make."
"No, honey it wasn't…you were at the alter, supposedly ready to marry another man."
"Not only in my heart, but down to the soles of my feet I knew the answer as soon as he asked the question." The honesty and intensity of her own answers was scaring April, but she wasn't flinching, she was staring Catherine straight on.
"Yes but why…why did he even have to ask? If you knew, you should have told him." Something about the arrogance of Catherine's tone in that moment, the audacity of her accusation, mixed with the attitude she'd had all night, and all of the emotions Jackson was begging her to keep inside, to ignore in favor of a happy bubble, caused April to snap.
"I DID," April seethed, through clenched teeth, slapping her fist on the table and surprising Catherine. It was the first time the older woman looked shaken all night. "I TOLD HIM WHEN WE KNEW I WASN'T PREGNANT. I SAID 'LET'S DATE, I'LL GO ON THE PILL.' BUT I'd hurt his feelings, because I was relieved I wasn't pregnant out of wedlock. So, your PERFECT BOY said no. He broke up with me." Her tone was wavering now. April was somewhere between blind rage and tears. Some words were mumbled. Others came out like nails on a chalkboard, sharp, deliberate. "I told him when he suggested we be friends while he was dating Stephanie. I said 'I CAN'T. BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND looking at you and not kissing you….'"
From the bedroom, where he was pacing uncontrollably, staring at the floor, hands over his face, trying to gather himself, Jackson could hear that April was losing her battle to stay calm. But, it wasn't until he opened the door that he heard her words.
"…And then, when he almost DIED, the day he almost BLEW UP, right after I got ENGAGED, I tried again. I said 'I want you, Jackson. Give me a reason not to get married.' AND HE PUSHED ME AWAY AGAIN. He told me that I was being unfair, that I only realized I wanted him because he almost died…."
When Jackson realized April's outburst was directed more at him than at his mother, he took a deep breath and left his room. In the kitchen, April's back was to him, but he made eye contact with his mother, who motioned for him to stay where he was and not make a sound. Catherine Avery was not a stupid woman. She knew none of this was directed at her, and that April probably didn't want Jackson to hear it, but she knew he had to. April thought Catherine's gestures were directed at her, and reacted.
"NO Catherine, you asked me a question, you're going to let me answer it…Your perfect son told me that I should marry Matthew or not, but leave him OUT OF IT. So I did. I took the man I knew I was in love with OUT of the picture, and chose to marry the man I knew I could love enough. What was I supposed to do, wait FOREVER until MAYBE he gave me a chance? He pushed me away, and hurt me more than ANYONE EVER WILL. So, I planned a wedding, and I invited my BEST FRIEND. But I let him know that I wanted his blessing. And I walked down that AISLE, thinking this was it. Ready to take the vows of forever with another man and MEAN THEM, knowing I would always be in love with someone else, but that a marriage vow was NOT something I would ever break. JACKSON KNEW THAT. And if it took that for him to realize he was in love with me, if it took me on the verge of vows, OF COURSE I'm going to run to him before I say the vows I NEVER wanted to say in the first place. OF COURSE. OF COURSE I'm going to run away and say the vows I've been wanting to say for MONTHS. I KNOW THIS IS RIGHT. And I wake up every morning and thank GOD he realized he loved me when he did, but I wonder WHY. I don't doubt he loves me, but I wonder WHY he pushed his feelings away for so long. Why he was afraid. How long he'll want to hide it. I would live in a cardboard BOX with your son, just US, forever. But, EVERYDAY, I wonder what I could have done. What I could have done to make him love me before the moment he did. Because I know that what I did HURT a lot of people. What we did. But I'm in love and I'm NOT SORRY. I DON'T WANT TO HIDE IT ANYMORE. So, you can question if I want his MONEY, you can question how I'll raise his KIDS, or if I'm good enough to be an AVERY, but please don't you EVER again suggest that I had ANYTHING to do with the timing of this. That there's anything wrong with the fact that we knew, so we didn't want to wait. Sure, when we had the pregnancy scare I was nervous. BUT I'M NOT THE ONE WHO PUSHED HIM AWAY."
April had nothing left to say. She collapsed into hysterics, her knees weakening. But she managed to stay standing, and turn on her heels.
Jackson stared at her, his face full of pain. He was devastated; because he now officially knew the amount of hurt he had caused the love of his life. He didn't know what to do, he wanted to reach out to her, but couldn't. She was staring, too. Her face slowly revealing a horrified expression at the idea that he'd heard it all. Still crying, she rushed past him and into the bedroom.
When he heard the door slam, Jackson winced. "I don't…," he started, but his mother stopped him quickly.
"You don't say anything, you listen to me and you listen carefully, Jackson Harper Avery…" Catherine's voice was steady, her tone loving, but in control.
"That woman loves you more than anyone in the world…"
"I know mom, I…"
"I said, listen Jackson." His mouth closed, and his shoulders slumped like they've done since he was a mischievous five –year-old boy, always in trouble. "She loves you so much that she knew she had to run away with you, you no longer gave her an excuse to ignore her heart. She even married you, because your marriage was inevitable, right? I mean, who would burn the lives of two innocent people to the ground, and run away from a wedding for…nothing? But that doesn't mean you didn't cause her the worst pain she's ever experienced in her life, by your unfortunate timing. What kind of wife would she be if she told you? Anyway, she's happy you did it; you saved her from living a lie. But, you can't ignore that pain Jackson, she's in so much pain."
"I know, I don't know what to do. I…we…both made mistakes. She…" Jackson was frustrated, confused.
"She wasn't accusing you of anything. Not exactly. I'm sure she's got some fault in this and would admit it."
"I don't know what to do…what do I do?" He ran his hand down his face, covering his eyes and mouth, a nervous habit. Catherine was gathering her things, zipping up her coat to leave.
"You will fix this. You will go in there and talk and yell and scream about it until you can't anymore."
"I don't want to yell, I…"
"Well, let her at you then, for as long as she needs. Until it's done. Yes, this is a big issue, but it doesn't have to be a shadow over your marriage if you don't allow it to be. You were both allowing it because, well you just ran away together a week ago. You're supposed to be happy."
"Thanks mom, I really apprecia…" They headed through the living room, toward the door. Catherine whirled around and pointed her finger at her son, shoving his shoulder slightly to show she meant business.
"I'm not done, listen carefully to this part, mister. When it's over, you get your wife an engagement ring. Before or after you tell everyone you're already married, I don't care. But you buy her a ring she deserves, for being patient, for keeping a secret that she never wanted to keep. You use that trust fund that you pretend abhor so much, get her the ring of her dreams, and you get down on your knee Jackson Harper. On two knees, maybe…"
"Mom April doesn't care about…"
"I'm not talking about the ring she wants, son. Clearly she'd take a ring pop from you. But if he can provide it, a husband should give his wife only what she deserves. That woman sure as hell deserves one wedding, but because she loves you, I guess…technically she'll have three…"
"Mom…what?" Jackson asked, raising his eyebrows.
"You will give her the wedding she deserves…In Ohio or wherever," Catherine lifted her hands, dismissing that wedding from her thoughts. "And Harper and I will give her an Avery wedding, which you will make sure she accepts. I'll call Harper and tell him you're engaged tonight. He'll never speak to you again if he knows you eloped. So be very careful about who you disclose that to, seriously. Harper would forget about you and your children, just like that," Catherine snapped her fingers. "And don't you think that I'm happy about any of this for one minute. It's just, clearly you've got bigger problems than me right now."
"Thanks for the courtesy," Jackson snapped. "I'm not going to force her to have three weddings, she's traumatized enough by one because it's a secret..."
"Oh, but you won't have to. You've been to an Avery wedding or two, just describe it to her…April Kepner will tell you anything you want to hear. All she needed was the wedding you had, if you call it that, in Lake Tahoe or wherever you ran off to, that's true. But, what she wanted was…"
"A wedding in a field with butterflies, and mints and her family."
"Sure, OK…" Catherine's expression shifted into a look that was a mixture of both amusement and disgust. "And what she deserves is…"
"To experience an Avery wedding. Where the bride is literally queen for a day, and suddenly understands what it means to be related to Harper Avery." Jackson practically whined. He hated Avery weddings. So stuffy and official. But he knew if he didn't play along, and carefully, his grandpa would find out and hold his inheritance or trust fund over his head. No matter how much he hated the pressure of the name Avery, he liked his trust fund. His mother was right, he just pretended not to. Plus, he was married now. Anything that helped him take care of his wife was a good thing. "She always does encourage me to at least try to live up to the responsibilities of my name. I guess she will agree to it." Jackson resigned.
"I'm delighted to hear that. Now, I'm headed out. You've got a lot of work to do." Catherine kissed her son on the cheek and was out the door. Jackson held on to the doorknob for an extra second before he headed in the bedroom to face April.
She was curled up on the bed in a fetal position, glass of wine next to her on the nightstand, and wearing a light blue nightgown with moons all over it, one she was mortified that Jackson found when they were unpacking. One she swore he'd never see her in. Silent sobs were shaking her body. Jackson didn't know how to begin.
He climbed into bed and put his arms around her, relieved when she didn't pull away. He steadied her body with his hands, pulling her shoulders against him. Feeling bold, he kissed her neck and whispered in her ear, "I love you. And I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. I am so sorry April."
His apology sent a new wave of tears through her, and he closed his eyes against her back, rocking her back and forth and waiting for them to pass. "I l-l-l-o-o-o-o-v-v-v-e-e-e you t-t-t-t-o-o-o-o," she managed, hiccuping.
"But you're mad. And I deserve it. And all week when you tried to be mad I wouldn't let you. I'm sorry."
April's breathing steadied. "I'm not mad. I'm exhausted and embarrassed."
"Embarrassed?"
"I just told Catherine Avery where to get off."
Jackson chuckled a little. "Catherine Avery deserved every bit of it," he said, placing a kiss of gratitude on his wife's cheek. "Plus you weren't yelling at her. You were yelling at me. Because you're mad." He tried again.
"She's my idol, and I…"
"Number one, she's your mother-in-law now, so you'd do good to take her off of that pedestal. And number two, I assure you she left here thinking you were a badass."
April turned her face toward Jackson for the first time since he'd entered the room. "She did?"
"She did. And she told me all the ways I'm failing as a husband."
"You're not failing. It's not a test. I'm tired. I want to sleep."
"…Except you can't. It's nine thirty. And we need to talk. Come on, come eat peach cobbler and talk to me. We're trying to communicate better on our own, remember?"
"Peach cobbler?" Her face brightened and she sat up, swinging her legs over the bed and throwing a pair of sweats on over her nightgown. If they were going to talk, she was going to be comfortable.
Jackson laughed. He should've known that's the only thing that would get her attention. "When I knew my mom was probably coming I ordered it from the bakery. It was a peace offering. I was going to surprise you for dessert but well…we didn't get there this time around."
"Fine," April said, heading to the doorway. "But if we're gonna talk I hope you bought something for yourself to have. I'm too mad at you to share peach cobbler. I'm eating it right out of the tin, and I dare you to look at me sideways when I finish it all."
He followed her out of the room. "That's not exactly healthy but, do whatever you want."
"I eat when I'm stressed. And drink wine," April confessed, taking the cobbler and the milk out of the refrigerator. She then got one glass and one fork out, poured the milk and sat at the table. "I love you, but you're stressing me out man. This week I drank four bottles of wine," she informed him, through her first bites of cobbler.
Jackson brought his own glass of milk to the table and sat down, facing his wife. He didn't have much of a sweet tooth. He watched April take another bite, carefully thinking about how to proceed. She wasn't very good at expressing her feelings; he'd figured that out immediately after they'd had sex for the first time, when she'd lost her virginity. He'd figured out a long time ago that she wanted him to stay that night, but whenever she felt something that scared her, she either pushed it away completely or catastrophized the situation. He wasn't the best communicator either. They were both just…trying.
He figured she knew he wouldn't stand for her dooming their marriage to failure out of fear, so she was pushing all of her bad feelings away. Not that the good feelings she'd felt were lies, he knew that, April wasn't good at faking…anything. But, if they were going to address their issues tonight, like his mother said they should, he was going to have to approach the topic creatively to get her to say what he needed to hear. "April, it pisses me off when you avoid talking about things you know we need to talk about," he said, letting the anger come through clearly in his voice. "And you hurt me when you told me you wanted me the day I almost died. I felt like you didn't know what you wanted. I felt like if I let us happen, that you would blame me for your broken engagement, just like you sort of blamed me for taking your virginity."
"Funny how that worked out though, huh?" April laughed nervously through a bite of cobbler.
He knew what she meant, but he pushed the other way, knowing it was his only choice. "Oh yeah, hysterical how all of your guilt trips on me made me afraid to tell you how I felt. So funny how, because I took your virginity and because we had a pregnancy scare, I was made to feel guilty. So then, any feeling I had for you I pushed away because I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you. You kept telling me I wasn't."
"I kept telling you you weren't good enough for me? How did you just turn this all around to be my fault?"
"It's no one's fault, or both of our faults. I asked when I did, and you answered. I'm just trying to help you understand why I asked when I did. Because even then, standing there and confessing my love for you at your wedding, I was pretty sure you loved me, but I didn't know if you thought I was worthy of your love."
"Worthy? I…Jackson I…" She put down her fork and looked into his eyes, lacing her fingers with his over the kitchen table. "Jackson, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. ….You made me feel angry, when you pushed me away. Sure I thought you didn't want me but…you never made me feel unworthy, Jackson. You never made me feel like I didn't deserve your love, just that you didn't want to give it to me. Sometimes, I felt angry with you for telling me why I was feeling what I felt. It was frustrating that you couldn't tell that even though my timing was bad, or my response to something was weird, I meant it with my whole heart."
"If I could've read your mind, there would never have been a wedding to run away from, and a ring from me would be the only one that was on your finger, April. I'm sorry."
"Don't be ridiculous. Don't start apologizing for not reading my mind." She took a bite of cobbler and dug her fork in again, offering him a bite. He smiled and accepted, even though he didn't want it. It was more than just a bite of peach cobbler, it meant progress. "This ring is the only one that matters, babe. It's the only one I ever wanted. I mean that." Her voice was sad, and she had a pensive look on her face as she played with her wedding ring. "I think I knew I loved you before I kissed you, that's why I had sex with you. That scared me, knowing that. I was afraid to tell you that until right now."
"I think I knew I loved you on the day of the pregnancy scare. Because it never scared me, the thought of marrying you, of having a baby together. But then…"
"I didn't fight for you enough that day. I didn't make sure you knew I wanted it too, just not that day," she said, through a mouthful.
They both sat silent for a moment, thinking of their missteps. None of it seemed to matter, because they were married. But it felt good to get everything out. "You looked like a mess on your wedding day morning…."
"I know, you told me."
"…But I thought 'I wish she was getting ready for me…'"
"I hated the way Matthew proposed. A flash mob? " She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "When I was little, I always wanted my husband to hide the ring somewhere so I'd find it. Maybe make a scavenger hunt out of it. I remember feeling suffocated when Matthew hugged me. Overwhelmed. Your hugs have always felt the safest."
Jackson filed the information he'd just gathered away, but said, "I'm sorry we were never engaged."
April shrugged. "That superficial stuff doesn't matter. I'm glad we said our vows alone, in front of God…well God and Melinda, I guess."
They were quiet for a few more minutes. April only ate half of the peach cobbler before getting up and putting it back in the fridge. "Jackson?" She came over and sat on his lap, finishing her glass of milk.
"Hmm?" he was still deep in thought.
"I hope you can forgive me for how I made you feel. I never thought about your side of things. I'm really sorry. I'm honestly not mad anymore; because now I realize we both could have done things differently. And I love that you're the only man I've ever been in love with. I know, well…you don't have to say that back. But it's the truth for me."
He kissed her, realizing how difficult that confession must have been for her. For the fist time all day, she really let him kiss her deeply. He liked that he missed kissing her after only a few hours. "I just hope that one day you can truly forgive me. I know we're both glad to be married, but it must be a horrible feeling, running away from a wedding. "
"No." April shook her head vigorously. "Didn't you see how happy I was? Scared, yes. And guilty later. But I attacked you in the car….Can this talk be over now? I'm exhausted. Your mother alone is exhausting. Dealing with your mother while fighting with you, and talking about all of these feelings? I'm a zombie."
Jackson picked her up and headed for the bedroom. "Mmmm…" he accepted a kiss, throwing her down on the bed and lacing his fingers with hers.
"A zombie too tired for the tilt-a-whirl?"
April tilted her head, feigning contemplation, then giggled and shook her head, her red hair flying like crazy all over the bed. "You should know I'm never too tired for the tilt-a-whirl, Jackson Avery."
