2nd Night - Anime-kun decides that he's not fucking around with introduction and goes for the plot

*eerie mountain side where bat-like creatures are flapping, sound of panting could be heard*

ME: Is someone having sex up there?

ALLEN: *is climbing on the mountain without any kind of suspension*

ME: *purses lips Obama style* Not bad. But wait, why's Allen climbing the mountain, isn't he supposed to meet up with Jan?

ANIME: I bought the rights, I decide what happens next. Deal with it.

ALLEN: Why *pants* Why the heck did they build this place all the way up here? *hauls himself up* Finally. *stands up, rolls down sleeves and approaches building*

*meanwhile audience enjoys the peep show of the shota who climbed a freakin' mountain to join*

UNKOWN VOICE: Who is this kid?

*a group of white-coated men (scientists?) stalk our shota meanwhile a chick in black is sticking her butt out to those questionable men in a mini skirt that leaves little to the imagination.*

ME: I thought this was the end of the 19th century?

HOSHINO: Alternative, remember?

BERET: Wha? Why did you let him climb up? Kick him down, outsiders can't come in.

CHICK IN BLACK: Brother, he has General Marian's golem with him.

ALLEN: *through the loudspeaker* Yo, sup. I was sent here by Cross Marian. The name is Allen Walker. I came to discuss some things with you... Like, are you ready to accept me as your lord and saviour?

BERET: Nope. But test him whether he has anything to rip off. *to Allen* Go to the Gatekeeper for X-Raying.

GATEKEEPER: *creeps forward* Begin Examination, let's see whether this guy is a human or Akuma.

*pentacle appears*

GATEKEEPER: NOPE! THIS GUY IS A NOPE!

ALLEN: What?

GATEKEEPER: HE HAS A FREAKING CURSED PENTACLE ON HIS FOREHEAD! HE IS THE MILLENIUM EARL'S MINION!

SCIENTISTS: *panic* The Exorcists?!

STRANGE TAPED-MOUTH GHOST(?): They're all ok.

CHICK IN BLACK: KANDA(DADADADADADADA!) IS ALREADY THERE!

*outside a black figure with open coat lands on top of the gate*

*Allen's and Kanda's murderous eyes meet, no, not romantic at all*

KANDA: You sure have courage coming here all alone.

ALLEN: *realises that Kanda wants to kill him* Wait! I'm your lord and saviour! *jumps back before gets struck and activates arm to block attack* *thinks: He damaged my Anti-Akuma weapon! That sword-*

KANDA: You. What's with that arm?

ALLEN: This is an Anti-Akuma weapon you oaf, I'm an Exorcist.

KANDA: GATEKEEPER!

GATEKEEPER: *is close to a nervous breakdown, if he doesn't already have one* But I can't see his insides? How can we know for sure that he's not an Akuma?!

ALLEN: Your problem is that you can't see a minor naked? Duuuuuudeee...

KANDA: That's fine by me. I'll just have to cut you up and check. *lunges at him*

ALLEN: Wait! I'm seriously not your enemy! A recommendation letter of my arrival should have been received by now.

KANDA: *stops sword 1 cm away from head*

ALLEN: *struggles to keep smiling politely*

KANDA: A recommendation level? From the General?

ALLEN: Yea, addressed to a person named Komui.

*all eyes turn to the guy in beret AKA Komui*

KOMUI: *points at scapegoat* You. Search on my desk. *Said desk is sad, 'cause covered in spider-webs*

CHICK IN BLACK: *sweatdrops* Brother Komui...

KOMUI: I'm going too~!

SCAPEGOAT: Found it!

ME: *slaps herself* Read too much yaoi. Gotta get my mind out of the gutter.

KOMUI: Read it!

SCAPEGOAT: To Komui: Soon, I will be sending a kid named Allen there. Thanks. From Cross.

KOMUI: It's true! Squad Leader Reever, stop Kanda from gutting that guy. Lenalee, help me set up.

CHICK IN BLACK/LENALEE: *Now that I have an actual look at her, I can deduce that she's too "old" to be loli, so moe it is. Especially with those wide eyes.*

ME: Kanda still wants to kill Allen? *scene changes to them* Yes, he does.

KOMUI: You shall not past, Allen Walker.

ALLEN: *moe eyes* I shall pass.

KOMUI: You shall pass, Allen Walker. *to himself* A kid sent by Cross. I'll have fun dissecting him~

*outside the gate opens*

KANDA: *still points blade at Allen's throat* Ain't gonna happen.

TIMCAMPY: *sweatdrops*

KOMUI: Calm your tits, he's with us, the snitch is proof of that.

KANDA: *glare intensifies*

DEVIOUS CLIPBOARD: *deactivates Kanda, also shatters his manly pride*

LENALEE: *acting 100% moe* Gosh~ He told you to stop. If you don't come in I'll close you out. Get your ass in. I'm the Sups' assistant, Lenalee, I'll take you to him.

KANDA: *turns to leave*

ALLEN: Kanda! You'd think that I'd let you go without my divine guidance!

KANDA: Yup. *leaves for good*

ALLEN: HERETIC!

*whispers in the background*

ALLEN: Good, worship me, maggots.

*Lenalee shows him around*

LENALEE: So how is Cross? He was in India, right?

*3 months ago somewhere in India, in a huge house, which's window overlooks two elephants bathing*

MYSTERIOUS HAND: *swirls some beverage, probably alcohol* Allen.

ALLEN: *sits Japanese style* Yes, Master?

MASTER: I'm tired of babysitting your sorry ass for 3 years, go to the Exorcist Headquarters and eat them out of their budget.

ALLEN: You say that, as if I was the one leeching on you.

MASTER: *knocks him unconscious for his impertinence and leaves him to bleed away*

*flashback ends*

KOMUI: Yo, sup. I'm Komui Lee, the Sup! *leads him to operation room* I'm going to fix your arm.

ALLEN: 'K.

KOMUI: *takes out huge drills and injections* Now don't move~

ALLEN: *shrieks from pain and shock*

ME: Seeing Allen's face react like that, I'd say that the anaesthesia haven't kicked in yet.

LENALEE: *completely unfazed by the dead look on Allen's face* Are you sure he's really human? *tilts her head to the side with wide eyes 100% moe*

KOMUI: Yup. Only humans can get cursed.

ALLEN: *grumbles* I'm your God, you little bitch.

*scene changes*

KOMUI: The stuff won't wear off for a looong time, but you're all fixed.

ALLEN: Never. Again.

KOMUI: Nah, don't be like that. Side effects aside, Parasitic Type is the best.

*five figures are lit from under in their creepy existence* Yet again, I have my hands on God.

ALLEN: I am your God.

KOMUI: Show your value to these people.

ALLEN: Wha- *tentacles wrap around him, pulling him up* WHA?!

HUGE TENTACLE DRAGON WOMAN: I-Ino- Innocence. *penetrates him*

ME: *to myself* Get your mind out of the gutter, get your mind out of the gutter, get you mind-

KOMUI: No use, the drug won't wear down until tomorrow.

ALLEN: I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!

KOMUI: *ignores him* How is he Hevlaska! How is this Apostle of God? Does he satisfy your needs?

ME: I give up.

ALLEN: *struggles in Hevlaska's grip* It feels like she's searching inside of me.

ME: I ALREADY GAVE UP, STOP OVERKILLING ME!

ALLEN: FUCK THE SYSTEM! *activates arm*

LEFT ARM: *activates disfigured*

ALLEN: *screams in pain*

HEVLASKA: Your nerves are paralyzed, don't push yourself. I'm not your enemy. *foreheads touch* Activating the anti-Akuma weapon when you're not fully synchronized is dangerous. 83%. That's how much you can synchro with the Innocence. Your Innocence will create an Extraordinary Destroyer of Time. In a nutshell, you'll fuck shit up in the future.

ALLEN: Really?

KOMUI: *claps* Amazing! Listen to what she says, she always nails it. *blocks Allen's killer punch*

ALLEN: Can I kill you? Just a little bit?

KOMUI: Nope.

*Aaaand comes the explanation that I'm too lazy to write. So insert Hoshino-styled abstract drawings, an LSD parade, ancient prophecies and explanation mentally.*

GREAT GENERAL: Fight!

ALLEN: Bitch, you just don't order me around! Even if you pay me for this!

KOMUI: You ain't getting paid.

ALLEN: FUUUUUU-!

HEVLASKA: May God be with you.

ALLEN: DIDN'T YOU PAY ATTENTION WHEN I SAID I WAS GOD?